After exactly a month of no contact, I reached out to my ex on December 16. We have been talking on WeChat (similar to Facebook) every other day for the first week after that, and everyday for the last 3-4 days. My ex is less passive and less bitter now, but she is sometimes giving me the hot-cold treatment. She also doesn’t contact me unless I contact her first, although she always replies. When she does, her sentences are always full and complete. She also laughs at my jokes, sends me pictures from her day and usually asks me questions. In general, our conversations aren’t different from conversations with girls I have been dating since the breakup.
Does anyone have any idea on where to take it from here? I plan on asking her out in a few weeks, and if that doesn’t work then I’ll just cut my losses and move on.
@Hayt You were with your ex for almost 5 years and engaged to her, so I find it amazing that in the space of two short months, you’re already dating others. You emotionally cheated on her while together and now you’re dating… Sorry, but it doesn’t seem like you’re really in love with your ex! And if she knows you’ve been dating, I wonder how she could ever trust you again…
It’s nice she’s answering your messages, but the fact she didn’t contact you during your NC and doesn’t initiate contact more recently might mean she’s still holding on to some resentments…
Yes, you could ask her out, but don’t be too shocked if she doesn’t accept.
I hope it works out for the best for both of you… Did you study conflict resolution?
I’m not dating others seriously. I just dated others during no contact to not send her messages and to not obsess over her as much. This is something the guides in this website recommend.
I did study conflict resolution a lot during the first two weeks. The trick here is to disarm the person peacefully before the fight escalates. I struggled for months to trust her after she cheated with a co-worker, and I know for a fact that she will struggle trusting me.
The thing about cheating is that it’s not as black and white as people sometimes make it out to be. When she cheated, I was working overtime a lot, going on business trips, and wasn’t there much. A co-worker of her found out and started showering her with attention. In my case, it was largely because of her anger management issues, which are also a problem around her friends and family. It’s not about lack of love, but about drama making monogamy hard.
@Hayt Yes, it’s black & white… It’s common sense and simple! People who really love each other don’t cheat, period! Sounds like she could benefit from anger management classes and you could learn a lot by attending too.
Saying you’re not dating “seriously” is funny and most likely insincere. I understand the guide suggests it, but most often it backfires causing more hurt or angry feelings and bitterness.
There’s always time to date after a relationship is definitely over for good…
It’s common sense. But that’s not the first thing you think of after a big fight. I know several couples who do indeed love each other who have cheated in the past. One of them is still very strong almost 25 years after. That’s not to say that cheating should be justified or encouraged in any way, though.
If it’s likely to backfire if I date others, then I should peobably not do so.
@Hayt The first thing you should think of after a big fight is how to resolve the issue! Thinking of going out with someone else is very childish and immature. Cheating is never the right thing to do!
Cheating most often leads to permanent breakups because unfaithfulness is extremely difficult to forgive. The trust has been broken and usually can’t be repaired. It’s very rare couples are able to reunite happily afterwards…
If you really love your ex, I suggest you stop dating and focus on how to make amends!
Making amends is what I tried to do before NC. She wouldn’t listen and it ended up pushing her further away. I need to get her to let her guard down before I try that again. This is the most difficult part — and it’s what I’m trying to do now.
My trust in her recovered after her cheating, but I also told her I wouldn’t forgive her twice.
@Hayt You emotionally cheated on her by being on Tinder and even met up with another girl while you were engaged! And now you’re dating… Of course you pushed her further away when you tried to make amends, but so soon after the breakup, how was she supposed to believe you or forgive you for what you did? I guess you don’t understand the horrible impact cheating is to a woman. The bad memory of what you did outweighed the lovely memories you two made over the years.
You say she cheated because a guy at her work showed her attention, but how did she respond? IE: what do you mean by she cheated?
You wrote:“I need to get her to let her guard down before I try that again.” This is a very strange comment, but I’m curious as to how do you plan to do that?
I stand by my suggestion if you don’t want to lose her forever. Stop dating and focus and trying to win her back slowly over time… You have to show her that you can be trusted again.
I do understand the impact it has. I did understand back then too. Although I don’t justify it, I didn’t really think of the impact it would have after my ex had called me names or thrown kitchen utensils at the wall in a fit of rage. The guilt would come when things returned to normal after the fights.
She had an affair with a coworker a while ago, like I previously mentioned. I had previously asked her if she did because of suspicious behavior. She denied it, but a few months later admitted it. I wanted to break up with her at first, but decided not to after I saw that she was genuinely remorseful for what she did.
By getting her to let her guard down, I mean building trust. That’s the hard part I need help with.
@Hayt Okay, I’m assuming you’re the one who was acting in suspicious ways.
I’m almost sure that you’ve accepted responsibility for your part in the breakup and sincerely apologized. Vowing never to repeat the same mistakes would also be a good thing to do.
Be there for her when she needs you. Don’t ever break your word or a promise. Don’t ever lie or try to manipulate her. Don’t rehash the past. Always be honest! Ask her what you can do to earn her forgiveness and rebuild trust. Consider couples counseling.
Be patient and over time, let her know your feelings, wants and needs. And ask her to share the same.
But, if she doesn’t want to get help for her anger issues, you might consider if she’s the right person for you in the long run!
I did try deactivating my Tinder account and cutting contact with her for a few more weeks. At the end of the day, I’m not ready to jump into a new relationship tomorrow anyway. She seemed more angry than cold when I tried to reach out and ask her what I could do to rebuild trust, though. She also said that I was too stuck in the past.
She also seemed offended when I said it would be difficult to remain in contact with her on just a casual level. I didn’t try any manipulation BS, as this would be morally wrong.
Seems like the only logical thing to do now would be to cut my losses and move on. Thanks for your advice, nevertheless. Venting this out has helped.