What are the chances?

Breakup Help reconciliation
1

So I’ve been reading through all of the information on the website and a lot of it makes complete sense and has helped drive me to become a better person.

I will try to keep my explanation of my situation short and to the point.

I’m completely to blame for the breakup in February of my relationship with my ex-girlfriend of 18 months because i cheated on her, and then lied about it…

I have two kids whom she took in and loved so dearly, our relationship was great and we were really good together in all ways. She would do anything for me and my kids. Our relationship started quite soon after i split with an ex who moved away. At the time i was still in love and was struggling with the break-up however i did not want this chance with my new girlfirend to pass me by because she was amazing from Day 1.

After a year i agreed to move in with her, i served notice on my rented flat and we moved my kids room into hers ready for christmas. My rent ended in January so we took a month or so to move all my bits across.

Between Christmas and new year i begun to feel a bit ‘trapped’ id spent two years living in my own place and suddenly i was settling down again, she worked nights and late evenings and i felt lonely at times and needed some attention so i started swiping on tinder to boost my ego.

I started to chatting to a girl and arranged to meet, after a couple of dates she came to my flat as i was moving things out and we had sex, from there i started to say i was working away whilst my girlfriend was working nights but i was actually staying at this other girls, it felt new and fresh but i knew it wouldn’t last, i knew it wasn’t what i wanted long term but i couldn’t end it.
Then i got caught out and was asked where i was, i lied and she pushed me to tell her but i kept lying saying i was staying away at work, she asked me to come home but i said id been drinking so i couldn’t. The next day after work i went home and she gave me another chance to spill but i kept lying trying to wriggle my way out until she eventually told me she knew everything including the conversations i had with a girl from spain on facebook on and off for a year, and that i met up with her when i went to Valencia before Christmas. We met up for a drink and that was it, no sexual attraction just my ego.

I was given so many chances to tell the truth and salvage our relationship but i kept the lie going. I was a coward and incredibly selfish and regret everything i did. I’d been to counselling since for 12 weeks and haven’t had any contact with the other girl.

My ex and i saw each other a lot for 4 months until the end of May and kept chatting and catching up, i told her so many times how sorry i was and begged to have her back, i did everything i shouldn’t have done to make myself look weak, just like the weak guy who ruined her life… then she told me she had started dating.

I told her i could not stay in contact if she was seeing other people and so stopped contact. We didn’t speak at all for a month until my mum told me she saw she had chicken pox so i got in touch to ask her how she was.

I followed the texting patterns on here and we chatted for a week until she didn’t reply. I left it a few days until she said i had some mail at hers to collect. I went over last Monday it was only one letter and from may, she could have posted it at my mums, we chatted for a couple of hours, i apologised for everything and told her how i have turned myself around. She said she could see that and she said i looked really well and happy. So did she, she looked amazing. I kind of used the elephant in the room text but in person and I told her i understood the break up was for the best and understood we would probably not be in contact again.

A week on i haven’t heard from her or made contact with her.

Should i keep no contact going again? And for how long? Then how should i start contact up again? I really want to get her back because she was perfect for me. I took advantage of her kindness and at a key moment where i was weak and cowardly i didnt communicate with her.

Im in a much better place now to put everything ive got into her and not hurt her, my children or her family again.

Thanks

2

@cyclingmad - You cheated physically with one girl and emotionally with another. You lied repeatedly. She has lost all trust in you and probably doesn’t want to reconcile. She’s dating now and apparently trying to move on. You’ve apologized and she knows how you feel, so don’t try to convince her to get back together. Counseling might have helped you understand why you cheated and lied and maybe you learned a few things about faithfulness while in a relationship. Do you understand it would be extremely difficult for your ex to trust you again? For now, try to accept the breakup and don’t contact her. The ball is in her court so to speak. If she wants to reach out, she will. Focus on your children and try to move on. You’ve done all you could and only time will tell what happens…

3

Thanks Patricia, Yes she has lost all trust, she is beginning to forgive and we are on ‘good terms’ I would do anything to rebuild the trust but understand It would be very difficult for her to trust me again.

After the first month of NC during June i felt really good, since speaking to her again and seeing her briefly it feels like ive taken a whole step back. It will be two weeks on Monday since i picked up my post and had a positive meet up with her so i will continue the second NC period and hope she reaches out at some point. If i am ready ill respond if not what should i do?

4

@cyclingmad - It’s not a matter of whether you’re ready to reach out, she the one who is hurting from your cheating and lies and who has lost all trust in you. You picked up your mail (post) almost 2 weeks ago and that’s not nearly enough time for her to grieve the loss of the relationship and be in a better frame of mind! She knows how you feel about her, so she should be the one to contact you if she has a change of heart.

My advice is to NEVER cheat on a woman while you’re in a relationship! And if you truly love a woman and don’t want to lose her, be faithful. Most guys never get a 2nd chance, but there’s some hope if you can earn back her trust and stay devoted to her only…

Good luck:)

5

Thanks Patricia, We’ve been separated for nearly 6 months now. And the most we have had no contact for was the month before i found out she had chicken pox. Since we saw each other we have had another 2 and a half weeks no contact. I haven’t attempted to contact her, like you say its up to her when to.

She did text me today though, as she is looking at houses due to a new job where i am buying one so she asked what plot i’ve bought. Shes asked how my trip to the alps went and i’ve congratulated her on her job but i’m not sure where i should go now with the conversation??

Thanks, Gary

6

Let it end there for now with that conversation as it seemed kind, but casual.

7

What do i do if she carries on the conversation? Should i shut it down or continue it without any leading questions? Longish delays with replies?

8

Just be sweet and supportive. Take everything slow and don’t bring up anything about the relationship or the breakup. You’ll know if she wants to get back together.