Hi,
Please give me advice, I feel kind of lost. Sorry in advance for the lengthy piece.
Note, until two days ago, when I started “no contact”, we talked EVERY day (fact checked with datamining lol) since we “broke up” half an year ago.
Last September we broke up with my girlfriend, after 5 years of relationship. Last year we moved abroad together, didn’t work out, and after moving back we kind of lost touch during the summer. In August she moved out, saying let’s see if this solves things and I was kind of glad about this. In September we still went on a holiday and after a fight I said that we are de facto broken up due to moving out, even though we haven’t said this. She was planning on going on a SE Asia trip and tried to convince me a for some time, and I always had some excuse - after this she said she would go alone. During September I tried to reach out a few times to fix things but she was resistant. In October she packed up and moved abroad, then in November moved to Vietnam. When I last saw her in October she tried to kiss me and I turned only my cheek, I was really angry - only later did I realize I was angry because I didn’t want her to leave, but couldn’t say it properly. When she left it was supposed to be only two months and I was really expecting her to come back. We talked every day and once every week either she or me said to love and miss the other, mostly her as I am quite bad with expressing feelings. By December it turned out she is not coming back in two months, by January she decided to renew visa for three more months. By the end of January something broke in me - I was quite composed before but then I realized I miss her so much and I feel so alone, and then the crazy started. I ended up bringing up the idea that I visit her - she said I shouldn’t go just because of her. I started preparing and taking vaccination. In mid February she told me she met someone last week and interested in dating him. I still decided to go, I travelled 16 hours flight to see her in a country I always had excuses not to go. I spent two weeks in Hanoi and we met many times, spent whole days together, travelled together a bit. Once she was happy and almost carefree, then next day very distant and cold. As this angered me, I asked her to decide what to do with me - I broght a love letter she draw me and asked her to tear it apart, this can be a real breakup now as we never had real closure - she refused for three hours, when she finally gave in, both of us in tears. Then I asked her not to communicate after this - 10 minutes later she asks if I am all right. I told her of course not and I was crying on the phone, and she kept telling me that she hopes that we end up somehow again together, and I could consider this as her “camino” referring how I left for pilgramage at the beginning of our relationship, 40 days no contact. We ended up meeting the next few days again, but while in good mood (ended up going to a romantic restaurant then got drunk 'til 6am) and having a good time, she was still not really approchable and I sometimes felt the desperation on my face. I even told her how I changed my view during the winter on marrige (no worries, didnt propose out of desperation), and while this is indeed true now it feels so weak of me. As I wanted to travel a bit around I left for Thailand three days ago. Almost 48 hours ago I wrote her that I want to keep some distance now as I need time to focus on myself, and deleted on all social media as well as her friends. No contact since. What I feel now is that since January I kept pushing her away, making things worse and worse. I still have hard time determining if I really do love her (I told her this very few times during our relationship, even though I couldnt imagine my life without her) and why in January this attacked me so hard. I started researching blogs and such on breakup and found this idea of no contact - however given that this is a special case, does it even make sense? I feel that I am trapped - no good choices: no matter what I do, will weaken my possibilities for romantic relationship. Should I just talk with her and lock out the crazy, go home to my life and hope that she comes back? I feel castrated if I stay friends with her and she really starts dating someone. What do you think?
Real love is never this difficult! I think you should not initiate any more contact. If there ever comes a time when she’s willing to work through the problems with you, there might be some hope, but for now, move on with your life and date someone else.