Well, I'm here

reconciliation
1

Like most that visit sites like this, I’m here because I find myself out of options.
My ex of 10 years left me 55 days ago. It caught me completley off guard. Her reason is that she has lost feelings for me due to me not listening to her. and me not showing the affection i should have

Some back ground on us, we were together 10 years friends for 13, been engaged for 4 years and have a 3 year old daughter, and i have an 11 year old from a prior relationship. Everything was great up until about 2 months before the split. I spent every waking hour trying to figure outhow to make our lives better and be sure this family has anything they could ever want. and because of work we didnt spend much time together and any free time was spent with the kids. (she works too)
Never was there a fight not even a disagreement.

The day of the split.
Idid not go quietly into the night!
I made all the mistakes we all make. begging, cussing, loving, etc…
3 days later she had sex with a coworker and called saying she messed up and how it was a huge mistake.
instead of being mad i told her it was ok and its not that big of a deal, just come back and we will work it out. She did not.

a couple more weeks of me begging, I guess I wore her down, for 4 days she came over after work and we had sex. Then she grew cold and distant again, and met another guy on POF and moved in with him. for the next couple weeks I was an ass about it. But that next guy ended within 2 weeks.

I thought that was my chance tomake things right. but she insisted that my words could not be taken back and the feelings are still gone, and shes never coming back.
(now i was hateful but not that bad)

the next couple weeks I kept on nice message, needy message, mean meaasge repeat.
over the last couple days shes went silent only to break that silence today to let me know
shes seeing yet another guy, and she will never come back, we only share a kid and thats it. our past was just that, in the past, amd she will not be reading anymore of my messages.

I told her I understood and wished her the best and now im here

i should say over the 55 days she has not made any atempt to contact her daughter and the days she was here made sure that the kids were in bed before she came over.

so whats next
sorry for typos
wireless keyboard turned sideways

2

Hey,

Sorry for tha pain you must be going through but start NC and only talk to her when its necessary ( about your kid) keep the convo short and to the point. Don’t say anything about getting back together, the breakup or her new relationships. Continue NC for 2-3 months and see how things go.

3

Well for a month Ive done very limited contact and it seems to have the opposite effect as it should. Just the other day there was a medical issue with our daughter and my ex being a nurse I sought advice from her and had my messages and calls ignored. (fb messenger so i know she read them) She did contact me later on and so did her new boyfriend. Both saying that she is never coming back and that they are in love and to leave her alone.(they’ve been together 1 day shy of a month) Now, for a month I have not mentioned getting back together with her and our only contact has been about our child once and maybe twice a week, just one or two messages max. All my messages have been short and to the point while being respectful. The following day she changed her relationship status to being with him and posted a months worth of pics of them for the world to see. Its clear to me that her mind is made up. And if Im being truly honest her happiness has been my number one priority for 10+ years. If shes really happy now then I should be happy for her Right? Well, Im not. Thats selfish of me and i know that. It was selfish of her to walk out on her family, leaving her baby, step daughter, and me to run around looking for something better. Her new guy looks like me(weird).
Over the past 3 months Ive done alot of work improving myself, Ive lost 40 lbs still got 40-50 to go (yeah I was big). And in the last month Ive not let my ex see me in person, part of limited contact and im just not where I want to be just yet, appearance wise.
So basically my next question is what the hell do i do now? Now i did send one message last night to her and my doppelganger just telling them both that I was happy they was happy and good luck in whatever comes next. (I Lied, Obviously)

4

@seiko43 - I’m assuming you have full custody of the 3 year old. And shocked she doesn’t want to visit that her own daughter. Are you sure it’s yours? Have you started divorce proceedings?

Does she ever call to speak to the child? Does she ever initiate messages to ask about the child? If not, it seems she doesn’t care too much. And if so, stop sending weekly messages.

Not much for you to do or say while she’s with the other guy. Continue to send messages regarding the kids, but maybe once a month and don’t mention the other guy at all.

This is heartbreaking due to the many years you spent together and especially because the kids are also involved. Do some more introspection regarding why she broke up with you other than the weight.

5

thank you, and yes I have custody for now anyway, Ive filed some papers with the court to be sure she cant just take her whenever. She is mine, and no she never initiates a conversation about our daughter. She has only called to speak with her on 2 occasions in which very little was said because she seemed to be too occupied with her new man. she has only visited with her 4 days in the last 3 months. I know how it sounds. I hear it as I type it, and part of me feels like just throwing my hands up. But Im not that guy, I will exhaust every possible solution before giving up. Thing were literally perfect for so many years and I want that back. I have no interest in starting over again, and surprisingly I have options to start over. Also my weight was never an issue for her, it became an insecurity of my own.

6

@seiko43 - Being together 10 years and engaged for 4 is strange. Why didn’t you ever get married?
“3 days later (after the split) she had sex with a coworker. a couple more weeks of me begging, I guess I wore her down, for 4 days she came over after work and we had sex.” Didn’t you try to work things out before having sex?

“met another guy on POF and moved in with him; shes seeing yet another guy.”
“i should say over the 55 days she has not made any attempt to contact her daughter and the days she was here made sure that the kids were in bed before she came over.” Obviously she didn’t want to visit with the children, so what was the purpose of her visits? Sex only? What about trying to resolve the issues?

Do you see a pattern here?

Apparently she’s not interested in being a mother and she’s not interested in reconciling with you. Sounds like she’s done with you. If you want to continue to try and get her back, that’s your choice and I hope all turns out best for all of you… Good luck.

7

I absolutely see the pattern. And thats the truth, she is not interested in being a mom, and not interested in me. I should run away as fast as i can. But every day our 3 year old says everything she sees is mommas. mommas cat, mommas bed, mommas jeep, mommas house, etc. She says momma coming home soon.
And I have to tell her Its ok Momma is at work and WILL be home soon.
My 11 year old sees my ex as the only mother shes ever had. She tries to give me 11yr old advice on how to get my ex back. The first words out of her mouth when schools out is did you talk to her today, is she coming back? I have to tell her I’m doing the best I can and Still trying.

Now out of all the crap we have had to deal with, I also feel the exact same way I felt before the split.
Even though reconciliation does not seem to be on the table anytime soon.
It would be easy for me to get another girlfriend. But what message would that be sending to the kids?
I would be telling them to give up on the ones you love. I’d be telling them that I give up on them as well by not fighting to get their mother back.

Now I actually have a date Tonight and one Tomorrow Night, but the kids dont know that and they wont know that. Its not exactly a romantic date, just more like meeting a couple new people to talk to while I have a babysitter for the first time in 3 months.
I’m not looking for a replacement for my ex. At least not right now.

And answering some of your questions, we didnt get married because I wanted to have everything lined out first, and finally did, fixing our credit, buying a new house, being absolutely sure we had the money for the wedding she deserved and honeymoon. She was ok with just going to the courthouse and doing it, but I wanted it perfect. Life also got in the way at times.

Those 4 days of just sex. I did try to work things out, she seemed to want the same thing, and things were alot better and back on track. Except for the 5th day when I told her her jeep was in my name and I didnt want one of her friends riding with her to work without paying for gas, or at least taking turns driving (her friend has a car). She said I was being controlling still and left.
She is right I was on the controlling side, and that one of the changes Ive made in myself almost immediately after she left.

as Im typing this I got a message from her

“Please do not send me anymore messages unless they are about (name) our daughter. Or I will Block you”

I guess this is a response to my text the other day saying i was happy she was happy and good luck…IDK

8

@seiko43 - If the children were older, they would be more understanding of the situation. I divorced my children’s father when they were young and they hated me for it, but when they got a little older, they were more understanding and even said they were glad I did as he wasn’t a good husband OR father.

She was okay with getting married at the courthouse, but you wanted everything ‘perfect’. I understand and yet I think it was a mistake and you got your way. People get married everyday and work through ‘life’ together.

Controlling issues are a big factor in breakups! No woman wants or needs a man who is trying to control her life as it shows total disrespect. In this situation, her unhappiness and resentment grows. And you’re teaching your children a bad example of how a man treats the woman he professes to love. I advise therapy if you think it will help you…

If you feel like you want to meet other woman after only a few months, I’m glad you’re not letting your children know about it.

Please respect the request not to message your ex unless it concerns the children.

9

Thank you patricia12 for taking the time to respond to a stranger.
You did say one thing that I need to clarify “And you’re teaching your children a bad example of how a man treats the woman he professes to love”
Anything I may have done that was perceived as controlling was never in front of the children, as an example of some of the things she has brought to my attention. I would not let her go spend money we didn’t have whenever she wanted, she saw it as me just saying she couldn’t go and do anything without my permission, which was never the case, and Ive tried to explain that to her but she didn’t want to hear it.

Another example is I was uncomfortable with a guy she met at work that was messaging her regularly and I told her that and she stopped. But she says I was controlling who she can and cant talk to, which I never said she couldn’t do, only that I didn’t like it and only that one specific guy.

There are a few more things that happened over the years, that I know now bothered her, but my top priority was giving to this family. I spent so much time trying to give her and the kids a perfect life that we lost the connection we once had. Instead of listening to her, I was focused on how to buy her that specific item she mentioned months ago.

It has taken me until now to realize that all she wanted was me, and all I wanted was to give her everything she ever ask for. So I worked longer hours, she even had to take a job because I over extended myself by over providing.
My heart was always in the right place even if I wasn’t physically. I have a ton of regret for all the things Ive done no matter how small they seemed to me; They weren’t small to her, and I just didnt see it. (she sure didn’t tell me)

Also I didn’t go on my date last night, as the time got closer the more it felt wrong, so I canceled.

Now I came to this site to maybe hear from people in similar situations, or to get some support and advice on what I can do next. My road to a better me, is far from over, but I make small gains every single day.

The obvious thing for me to do and the thing that I’m going to do is just leave her alone and accept the fact that she has moved on and is no longer the girl she once was. I guess I just want someone to tell me I’m doing the right thing, IDK Ive never sought validation before.

10

Well after I posted earlier today Ive came to a realization.
Its doesnt matter why we split up anymore, Ive said my apologies, Ive done all the wrong things followed by all the right things. I can no longer sit and blame myself for everything thats happened to me.
Relationships are a two way street with road work, wrecks, and potholes to navigate through.

In my situation if things were so bad for her that she felt she needed to get away, then thats her choice. Honestly when things started taking a turn for her, she should have spoke up, and we could have worked through it together. That was not the case, she took the easy way out and because of my constant texting whether it good or bad, she never looked back.

So Im giving myself some advice and anyone who finds their self in a similar situation.

We cannot change the things we’ve done to the ones we love, and all of us know that. The only thing we can do is stop obsessing over the things we cant change, and make damn sure we dont make them same mistakes again.

For me I’m still totally in love with a girl that removed herself from my life indefinitely; as is everyone that’s here

The plan for me is simple “hard” but simple. If I really love this girl like I say and its obvious what I do. I have to completely let go of the idea that I can win her back.
This is not a game to win. This is real life with real serious consequences.
She knows how I feel, Ive made it clear time and time again.
Now its time to stop. That does not mean Ive gave up hope. That does not mean Im moving on.

I have to be everything I once was and more. I have to fix this issues I had that lead to the break for myself as well as her.
She loved me for many years, and no matter what mean txt she sends, or what she puts on social media about her new love interest.
None of those things can phase me, we have a past that cant be erased.
She will at some point look back at our relationship and have doubts about her choices shes made since. she may not want to come back home, but if she looks hard enough she will see a better man than the one she left; even better than when things were great.

So every day from this point forward I will strive to be the best version of myself i can be, for me for her, or whoever comes next later on.

It could be easier for me to show what changes ive made since we do have a child together, and there will be constant contact. At the same time it could be harder for me if I dont make the necessary
changes. With that said, I cant look at it that way any longer, Im changing for myself
if she sees the changes and likes the changes, and wants to talk or try again, then maybe. It will depend on where Im at and it will be up to her to regain my trust.

She did walk out with no warning, so what if I slip up does that mean she walks out again?
that is something she will have to prove to me, I will not jump right back into a relationship with her no matter how much I want to until im as certain as i can be that we are both ready for a long happy future together.

Thank you to anyone thats has tried to help me, and good luck to anyone who is facing similar circumstances! Thing will get better, and the change in your mindset will just hit you out of nowhere like it has me today.

take back control, life is what you make of it and I am going to make the best out of mine and my family

thanks all, good luck

11

@seiko43 - Your outlook on life and advice to others is great.

Wishing you and your family the best… God Bless.