My ex and I have been dating for 8 months. We have met online and we had a great connection from there. We are both 24.
We have been spending so much time together through this relationship, and this man was good to me. He treated me right, was very mature. We loved each other so much. He was very loyal and loving, told me everyday that we was blessed to have me, told me how much he loved me, always complimented me.
Though during the relationship, he would talk about how he wasn’t used to being in a relationship and how he was used to being alone which I find unusual. He was very focused on his career, he just became a realtor and found a job he wanted. It takes a few months to have a good money flow and I noticed since he left his last job, he’s been stressed about this new one as he was losing his savings. I have been there offering to help him out but he is the type that just wouldn’t take any help from a girl. He always was the one that wanted to provide. He has done a lot for me during the relationship even when I told him he didn’t have to.
Just a week ago, we were going out together, that same day he told me he he couldn’t wait to see me and he was excited. I was in the car with him telling me how much he missed me and loved me and he complimented me like usual. 15 minutes into the car ride we were talking and all of a sudden he became silent and started tearing. I asked him what’s wrong and he told me it’s the hardest thing ever.
I said what is it? And he told me he doesn’t think we should be together anymore. With shock, I asked him why? And he said he just wanted to be alone and he realized he wasn’t ready for a relationship after he thought about how serious this relationship was getting. He told me maybe in the future we will connect again.
Of course I cried and tried to talk to him but he acted cold towards me and didn’t talk that much. He drove me back to my car and just left. I felt my heart drop.
I just texted him telling him I would leave the stuff he got me outside my door and he said to just throw it away or sell it. I texted him a long text about how much I loved him and can’t believe he did this to me, how much my heart was broken basically how I felt and he didn’t answer my text at all. I just didn’t say anything back and left it at that. It was extremely painful.
We shared so many memories, we had a perfect relationship without fighting once, we had not one issue at all. He even planned and brought up the future a lot. Telling me we would live together many times, brought up trips we would be taking, even asked for my ring size. Even talked a lot about his family and I talked a lot about mine. I just don’t get why this happened. We loved each other so much and had a strong bond. My heart is shattered.
I will be doing the 5 step plan but I’m scared he won’t message me again after I message him in 3 more weeks. What do you all think about this?
It’s unfortunate that this has happened to you. The way I see this is you are not to blame. Here are a few points that you could consider:
guys often get cold feet when they feel a relationship is getting too deep, too fast. They don’t feel ready to deal with the commitment and they start pulling back. For us, women, this is hurtful and insensitive; it’s hard to understand why. What’s worse is that most of these men will not even openly admit to being commitment-phobes. So in a way I do appreciate this guy for coming out in the open and being honest with you.
when a guy tells you he is not “ready”, then you should take his words at face value. He is not lying. If he is not ready, there is nothing you can do to “convince” him to return other than respect his need to be away and hope that one day he will realise how much he misses you and wants to be back together. In fact, if you start begging or pleading with him to reconsider, this will only backfire and push him further away from you.
I know you have invested a lot of your emotions in this relationship and that’s alright. If nothing too bad has happened between you two and you have separated in decent terms, chances are high, this guy will one day return to you if his feelings are strong. But you need to be patient. Start the NC, give him plenty of time and space - a few good weeks or even 2-3 months - during this time, do not wait by the phone or stalk him on social media. This will only make you go crazy. Instead, try to focus on yourself - go out with your friends, travel, learn something new, visit the gym more often.
Finally, there is little point feeling anxious that he may never get in touch with you again. I can assure you that this guy will not forget you during the NC; in fact, the NC will make him think of you far more often than you think. If his feelings are strong yet he is afraid of dealing with reality, most likely he will return once he has processed everything in his mind and knows what to do next. On the other hand, if you reach out in a couple of months and he does not respond or his response is just lukewarm, then you’ve got your answer anyway and you can start moving on.
Thank you for your response! Yes Laura I do agree with you. I just have that feeling he needed the time to think it out. He does not have any social media so that part helps a lot. I am just hoping this whole thing works. It’s weird how he is the one that was talking about our future but then he probably got scared maybe due to the fact that he started that job and financially he wasn’t ready? Who knows.
I just hope everything goes well. Trust me it hurt me really bad. And still does. I miss him already.
It’s been a little more than a week since we have talked and I’m freaking out. I feel like he will never contact me again. This is harder than I thought.
One week is not much time and neither is even one month…we women tend to freak out if we have no communication with the guy for one month while this is absolutely normal for many men out there. Remember, he said he was not ready for a relationship. So if he came back now after just one week and told you he was ready, would you actually believe him? I would not. Try to distract yourself from what seems to be like a waiting game (in reality, there may be no game at all and who knows, this guy is peacefully moving on with his life meanwhile…). The sooner you start accepting the reality (that he may not return or it may take a long time to hear from him again), the earlier your recovery can kick off. Easier said than done, I agree, but I am sure you can do this. Good luck!
Thank you Laura. I know it’s just a scary place for me I know what you mean. I’m hoping for the worst so I won’t get my hopes up. It just tears me up inside how now I feel like he was fake to me. Does that mean he doesn’t love me?
I’ve been also hanging out with friends it did take my mind off a bit. I’m getting there.
Hard to say - I have been asking myself the same thing about my own situation over and over again and I do not have an answer. Besides, love alone is not enough, you know? This guy may love you but then there may be other things going through his mind - for example, compatibility issues, long term perspective, sharing same goals in life - just to name a few…these days, I feel that love is often overpowered by excessive calculations/judgements. You should not beat yourself up because you do not have control over these things anyway.
I totally understand Laura. It’s just crazy to me how one person can be so affectionate and one second boom he just cuts you off. I know it’s not a last minute thing and it’s probably something that’s been on his mind. If he does come back I’m going to talk to him about communication between one another about our feelings so surprises like this don’t happen. And I will firmly say it because I know I totally didn’t deserve it.
Then again, I’m not having any hope of him coming out to me at all. Time will tell.
So update, one of my older friends that have been through many relationships told me to text him “thinking of you”. After two weeks of NC. I told her I wanted to wait another 2 weeks at least but she told me to trust her so I did it.
As soon as I texted him this he texted me paragraphs saying how much he wanted to see me and how depressed he was about our break up and his job. My friend told me to tell him I’m not leaving his side and I’m not accepting the break up. I thought it was going to be pretty demanding for him but it wasn’t. He told me he loved me and said he just didn’t want to dig me into a hole with him. But I still said I’m not leaving his side. And he just said he wants to get out of this situation on his own still.
But he’s coming back when he’s pulled himself out and said we can see each other today although he’s not ready for a relationship yet he asked to see me. Will see how it goes. I will not have my hopes too high still but I’ll just be calm around him.
Thanks for the advice this blogging helped me a lot.
