We broke up because I moved away, what to do when I get back?

Hi there,

First of all, thanks for taking the time to read my story. My name is Fred and I’m a 25 years old. I will try to explain everything in as much detail as possible. I would like to have your advises on what my strategy should be.

I met this great girl about 5 months ago, and we dated quite intensively for about 3 months. I told her that I would be moving away to another country for my job. I think because of this, she broke up with me, saying that “It would be better to stop this relationship now, instead of waiting for 2 more months until you leave, and having the risk of developing more feelings”. So I started a no contact period of a month.

It worked: after a month she drunk texted me that she missed me. Soon afterwards, she texted me she wanted to see me again. So we met and had a great night, I didn’t start talking about the brake up whatsoever so it went very well and we had a lot of fun. After that, we sort of picked it up where we left it, and had another month before I left the country to work abroad.

Before I left, we talked about what we were gonna do with the situation. I would be away for 6 months, while she would stay at home. I said I was willing to start a long-distance relationship. She said she wouldn’t be able to do that, since she was not in love with me. I said I was fine with it, thinking it would maybe be a bit fast to start such a relationship if you’ve only known each other for 5 months. So I left, thinking that I would give it another shot once I get back home.

The problem is, that she said the following: “I think it would be better if we both agree that we will not see each other anymore if you get back. Otherwise, if we start dating other people in the meantime, you will be in the back of my head and I can’t deal with that.” Not wanting to be needy, I agreed that it maybe would be better. So I started a new no contact period about 3 weeks ago and we haven’t spoken since.

I want to give it another shot if I get back, although we agreed not to do such a thing. I’d like to know what my strategy should be. Should I text her after a month of no contact, even though she is far away, we can’t see each other, and we agreed not to? Or should I contact her once I get back?

Also, something I don’t understand: she broke up with me, but came back to me because she missed me. She doesn’t love me she said, but she does really like me. She might fall in love with me later, but I have the feeling that she doesn’t want to give it a shot. Judging from the story, what do you think of this?

Thanks in advance and I’m very interested in what you guys have to say!

  • Fred

@fredfred - Apparently you were dating 3 months when you told her you were leaving for 6 months. Three months is about the time people start to realize they are falling in love, but it seems she stopped her feelings from progressing due to the long absence coming up. She said she wasn’t in love with you even though you two had lots of fun together. There’s a possibility things could work out if your job would not require you to take long absences again after this one. I think you need to respect her request for no contact and try again after you return home. Another possibility is to just send one short note a month or so before you are due to return, letting her know how you’re doing and asking how she’s doing. Drunk texting about missing you isn’t the same as wanting a relationship … it’s just maybe that she missed the fun times with you. If she dates other guys while you’re gone, maybe she will come to understand she had more fun with you than them and likes you more than she thought. I don’t know how old she is, but it might be that she needs the experience of going out with some more guys to reach the point of knowing you are the best:) Anyway, I wish the the best and hope you two can somehow resolve this issue!

Hi Patricia,

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and reply!

I also thought it would be the best option to get in touch with her again once I get back. There might be a chance that I’ll be over her by then, but that would be fine as well. So thanks for confirming my thoughts.

Something else that I’ve been thinking about. It’s just that I have the feeling that I get mixed signals from her side. Two examples:

She slept at my place 4 nights in a row, and a few days later when we talked about our future, she said she doesn’t love me. It just feels a bit weird, hanging out for 4 consecutive days nonstop at my place, then saying you don’t see a future. I have the feeling that she is suppressing her feelings, or not giving at a fair chance because of the fact that I left the country. Another example:

In our prior break-up of a month, I started dating other girls and I had sex with one of them. It was a one night stand. So a few weeks later, my ex and I got back together, had a great night and had sex as well. The morning after, she asked me if I did anything with other girls in the meantime. I was honest to her and told her I had been dating other women and that I had sex with one of them. She got really mad at me and wouldn’t talk to me for a week, after which she came back to me again. We talked it over and we had a good run for the last month again. But then, in the end, she wouldn’t want to start a long distance relationship. So she does get really mad if I do something else with other women, even when we aren’t officially together, but then doesn’t have strong enough feelings to start a long distance relationship, or even to say to give it another shot when I get back. It just sounds to me that she is confused about her own feelings, or that she is suppressing her own feelings, so she can’t get hurt in the long run. I have the feeling that she prefers to be hurt right, instead of being hurt in the future. Do you agree that this is a big possibility? What do you think of this?

Thanks!

  • Fred

@fredfred

Dating someone for only 3 months is way too soon to be talking about a future! And dating a few girls and having sex with one of them within a month of the breakup is amazing to me and to her too. And because of this, she probably thought you weren’t serious about her or any plans for a future with her. It’s just that when someone who loves someone else and gets dumped, doesn’t usually jump right back into dating so soon and certainly wouldn’t have sex with someone else so soon! It seems she didn’t want to start a long distant relationship with you because she thinks you will date and have sex while she’s patiently waiting for your return. Yes, I agree she might be confused as to her feelings for you, but it didn’t help your cause to have a one night stand even though you weren’t officially together at the time. Only time will tell how this plays out over the next few months. Wishing you both the best…