Shorter version:
My girlfriend of 3 years and I are back together, but things aren’t the same. She doesn’t say she loves me anymore (unless I say it first), and she hasn’t moved back in. I would like to get back to where we were, and potentially get married within the next year. At this point I’ve lost 45lbs since the breakup (2 months ago) and I’m still losing more. I feel great about myself and I feel like I could move on and be happy as well. I’m 30 years old, attractive, don’t have any kids, I’m not an asshole, rarely drink, and I make a good living as a network engineer. How many single, attractive, non-abusive & non-asshole guys are there that make good money and don’t have any kids at the age of 30? Maybe there are more than I think, I don’t know. I just feel like I deserve more than what I’m getting. I realize the mistakes that I made, and if it just takes a little more time for things to get back to normal then I’m OK with that. After-all how many single, attractive, non-abusive & non-bitchy girls are there that make a decent living and don’t have any kids at the age of 28? She is a great catch, and I would hate to let things go if we can get back to normal. I just need some advice/help getting there!!! If anybody has any please respond!
Long version (this doesn’t include everything that I had in previous posts, but it gives you an idea of the background.):
My girlfriend broke up with me after 3 years together. I start NC the day of the breakup, and starting working on what I thought were some of the reasons why she broke up with me. She ended up calling me after 2 weeks, and that night I ended up going to her apartment and sleeping with her. A few days later she called and asked if we could get together later that week and talk. We actually talked every night that week, and when I went to her apartment that Friday to have our “talk” she didn’t really want to talk anymore. She ended up saying that she just wanted to be friends. That night we only made it about 30 minutes into a movie before we headed to the bedroom and had sex again though, and for the next 3 weeks we were basically “friends with benefits”.
One night she asked me to come over even though we couldn’t have sex (her period). That night we were laying in bed and she could tell something was on my mind. She started asking questions. At first she thought that I was seeing somebody else, because she saw me texting a girl a few times. I told her that she was just a friend, but she was really a potential rebound that I was working on (we hadn’t done anything yet though, so technically just friends). She finally got it out of me that I thought what we were doing would end badly, and that I wanted to say goodbye and stop talking to her.
At this point we were both upset and crying. I felt like I needed to leave because it was really hard on me. She didn’t want me to go though. I started asking her some questions, like why she didn’t want to try again. She said that “in her mind it was just already over”. At that point I really felt like I needed to leave, so I got up and started getting dressed. She started crying more saying she didn’t want me to leave. I told her that, “It’s already over. You said so yourself! This is just making it hard on both of us!”. She started to hyperventilate uncontrollably, and kept saying “No, I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to go.” I couldn’t get her to stop. I went to get her water, but she wouldn’t drink it unless I promised to stay until morning (so I did).
I did not sleep very well that night, and as soon as the sun came up I started getting dressed again. She heard me, and started crying again and asked me not to leave. I told her that I really needed to go and think about some things, and she let me. She called me several times that day crying, but never had anything to say. Once she called for help with her homework, and after I helped her she said that she wanted to try again. I told her that I didn’t believe her, and that I thought she was just upset. I said that we needed to take some time and make sure that’s what we both want before we do it again. She didn’t seem to understand, but agreed.
The next week we kept talking and seeing each other like we did when we were “friends with benefits”, except now she finally started to come back over to my place. She basically lived with me before the breakup, and only kept her apartment for her parents sake (so they didn’t think we had lived together / had sex). Things seemed OK, but they weren’t back to normal. I asked her one night if she really wanted to try again, because I didn’t feel like she was trying very hard. She said yes, she wanted to, and didn’t understand what else I wanted her to do. I told her the following things that were bothering me:
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She hasn’t told her family that were are back together (her parents or her sisters). Her answer to this was that she didn’t really know what we were at this point.
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She still stays at her apartment more than she comes over. Her answer to this was that she basically lived with me when we were together before and she just thought that I could come over to her place for a little while. The main reason why we didn’t do that before though was because I have a dog, and her place doesn’t allow dogs. I found out that this was something she was upset about though, and she wanted me to come stay at her place more instead of her always staying at my place (even though she never said anything).
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She doesn’t say that she loves me anymore. If I say it she says it back, but it doesn’t seem the same. She almost says it at times. Like before sometimes she would say my full name loudly in a harsh tone (like I did something wrong), and then she would say she loves me. Now, she still says my name but instead of saying she loves me she backs off and says, “I don’t know”. It’s like she forgets that she doesn’t say that anymore sometimes and starts to, and then backs down. She did not give me an answer to this one, which is what worries me the most.
We are having sex more now than we did when we first started dating. Most of that is because I stopped taking some medication that made me not want to have sex. When we are together things are great. They just aren’t the way they used to be. I want to get back to where we were before. Should I just keep taking things slow and see where they lead? Should I force her to talk to me about why she is holding back? Should I tell her that I’m not happy with the way things are and do another 30 days NC? The truth is that I won’t be happy unless we can get back to where we were.
I just need some advice/help getting there!!! If anybody has any please respond!