I’m not sure if I will get a reply on here but it’s a long shot as I really need help.
my girlfriend of over 2 years left me this weekend. we had been good friends for about 4 months before we made it exclusive.
we had lived with each other for a year and then this last year we been in distance relationship where we would see each other once a month. until recently I went abroad for a month and when I returned in August we met and she told me she had lost her feelings for me and didn’t feel like she missed me that much and that she is falling out of love. we agreed to try to relight the spark by meeting up more often and doing fun things again together. but we never ended up meeting and 2 months later (October this weekend) she met me and told me it’s over. Our relationship was passionate and very intimate where we loved each other very much. But her reason is that she didn’t see a future as she was scared I would be controlling. I admit that in the first year of the relationship I would be jealous/controlling but I have matured a lot in the latter half. however, she said she still fears I could go back to that again.
since the breakup(2 days) she has rang me and text like normal. which has confused me as I wanted to start the no contact rule. But today when she rang I told her that it is best to stop talking. I’ve then text her wishing her luck and telling her that I will give her all the space to think over the breaks up and workout her feelings and that in this time off I will work on improving myself and making them necessary changes too. my plan was to start the 30 day no contact from today as that is why I stopped talking.
I am really confused as it obviously feels so good that she is messaging still and I feel scared that I’ve told her that we shouldn’t talk and that in the coming weeks she may contact me and confirm that it’s over once she has gone through this emotional period as she is a very strong character and someone who lives in the moment and generally stronger than me.
what should I do? have I done right by starting the 30 day no contact? can you give me some guidance as I am really struggling right now and have been really strong to tell her to stop talking. she may text me in the coming days as I know she will ask if I ask okay and I’m sacred that if I ignore her she will end up ignoring me once the 30 days is up. is there any other solution to get her back slightly sooner than 30 days. please help thanks so much.
she messaged me last night asking if I was okay and how things are. I ignored her and haven’t messaged back.
it’s been about 5 days now since we spoken. she seems to be wanting to hear from me.
can anyone offer any guidance?
I am quite sure she won’t hang around for 30 days and if I don’t message she will feel like I’ve ignored her so she will do the same.
You can either go NC for 30 days then reach out via a letter like I did.
Or you can text her (if you don’t want to play games) saying that you need more time to process this and that you will reach back out to her when you feel more comfortable.
Right now she is just keeping you around. Honestly. I’ve been through it worse than most here if you read some of my old posts. She will keep you around, almost friendly, almost flirty, almost distant and cold.
But don’t make the same mistake I did getting too wrapped up in her. It’s been 3 months since my break up and I played this program correctly-- I gave the distance, did the letter which turned into a phone call, which turned into fun text messages, and she would respond.
Now comes to find out she’s out dating other people-- that is just what needs to happen and we can’t control it no matter what Ex Back Program you subscribe to.
If you read my other posts you will see that there are ways to keep in touch (at a distance). Her not cutting you out of her life completely is huge right now. Just wait the initial 30 days to reach out. Mine still hasn’t shut me out completely because it didn’t end badly (i.e. there was no cheating, abuse, or anything-- the break up, like yours, came out of the blue).
We are here to help.
Wondering.
thanks a million for the message. it feels good to have some support. and makes complete sense what you say about her jus having me around for the time being. I will try and stay strong and jus shut her out for 30 days and see what happeno. thanks a lot
Hey I just got a call from her which I didn’t answer. and then a message saying: Just rang to say hi it would be nice to hear from you… Hope all is well x
I’m not sure if I should maybe call her tomorrow afternoon and see if she changed her mind. or jus leave it for another week?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
How soon was this message sent into your NC?
Mine too also rang me 12 days in to NC, but did not leave a voicemail.
I didn’t respond for a day, but how I did could have possibly led to my current situation now-- which is now a request from me for her to never contact me again.
She called me like she called you-- and I took a bag back to her place and that was it. She then text me 2 days later thanking me for her bag and that she wouldn’t be coming to my show.
Anyways… This is a touchy topic. She is reaching out. But I say… Keep going no contact. Perhaps that simple action of me taking her bag back to her place, was enough to set her off.
For you, I’d wait a week. Then text. “Hey, I saw that you called, but I was ________________________. (some shitty response that’s not exactly true) Then say you got busy this week and needed some time to process your thoughts. Then you can ask how she’s doing?”
Try that. Let me know.
really apprecoated that. as your speaking from your own experience I reckon I should follow what you say. so today it’s been 8 days since she dumped me and 6 days of no contact. in my head I was planning on calling her in the morning to see how she was and if she is reconsidering. my only fear was that in another week do you reckon she will be like why the hell should she bother if I ignored her for 2 weeks. I really am unsure
Stay at the NC Gazs…
You can do it, trust me.
I don’t want to say much, but I have had it very hard, if you’re following my story.
Keep at it–stay around people. It’s the best thing you can do.
Go out. Eat around others, go to the movies, honestly, sit in the theater all night or day if you can. Whatever you do, don’t stay on your computer, or your phone-- please–learn this from me. Turn all media off.
How old are you and your ex if you don’t mind my asking?
hi wondering. I am 24 and she is 22.
Basically last night she rang again and I picked up as I thought she wanted to talk about us 2. she said she was jus wanting to say hello. but we spoke for about an hour and I stayed positive and didn’t act needy. she kept saying she missed me but doesn’t know if she should take me back or not.
she then followed with a text…
I really do miss you don’t ever forget that. I’m just so scared. Your changing in a positive way and I feel like I’m stuck in the same way when I last saw you. I’m not asking you for answers just wanna share it with you. I don’t know what’s right to do. Loved the chat thanks for picking up means a lot. Goodnight x x
after we spoke on the phone I said I can give space but she said all she wants is for me to reply when she texts which I said we will see as I need this space too to work on myself and she needs to come back to me with a answer as to whether she wants me back. she was really unsure on the phone but genuinely sounded like she was considering taking me back.
I haven’t contacted her since and probably won’t reply if she does text during this week.
Well you’re young so you have a life to live.
Stay at it.
in my opinion the hour phone call was too long, but her texting is a very good sign.
Yes try not to respond to every text, or if you do, keep it short, and tell her you’re going places.
You should feel very positive about this.
It will probably work out for you.
Best!
thanks a lot you been a huge help. yep I will jus play it low now and stay busy see what happens. I will leave a message if anything changes as your help has been really useful for me especially in my self motivation of NC. thanks a lot.
just an update.
was doing very well with NC.
then this weekend she started talking via text and then rang and I spoke to her. was general chit chat. then I realised I made a mistake of talking to her. this morning she text saying good morning like normal and I replied saying nice to hear from her.
then after a few text I brought up that I been thinking about the relationship and if it will ever be back. and she said…
Let’s see what the future holds don’t take this the wrong way but can we not relate everything back to that sometimes it’s nice to talk about other things 
then I said;
Yeh it’s true but I feel like I would rather either be with you properly cos tbh it hurts. last few days since we been talking I noticed my mood hasn’t been right as I keep thinking hmm am I jus jus a friend or do we have a future. like I don’t know where I stand.
and her reply was this…
Yeah I get you… I guess it’s friendly terms at the moment sorry. I need to feel more right with this than ever but yeah your right we both need to be at ease so we can get on with life. Maybe less contact again that seemed to work to an extent.
so far that is it. I haven’t replied and decided not to cos it hurts when she seems to be wanting to keep me around as a friend which is unfair.
please can you guide me here from experience. I don’t know what I should do? I need to put a plan back in place now. I was planning on not talking for a further 2 weeks and then jus ask her straight up. but I really don’t know. please help put I been feeling real low about this again since this weekend. thanks so much!
The best thing that you can do, for now. Really, truly and honestly. After still hurting from this experience, is finally disappear.
Everything, Facebook, texts, social media, phone calls. Defriend and delete her from am of it. She can’t know where you are, ever. Change her name in your phone to Ex.
I learned this too late.
I was stuck in trying to win her back, for too long, and it became a problem for me.
She would reply to texts, even initiated once in a while. But when it came down to reconciling and having a face to face, she did not wish to grant me even 5 minutes in person to hear me out. I still have no closure, but I closed the door and told her never to speak to me again… She apologized, twice.
But again, I did this too late.
If your ex wants to reconcile, she will call you.
At least give it 30 days. Then I can give you further assistance if you still wish to open that door again.
I’m not saying to quit.
But do give it more space than I did. You don’t want to be in my position 112 days after your break up and still wondering.
I am sorry to hear that man.
your posts have been a massive help for me.
I will go underground to her now and jus vanish.
2 days and I never got back to her.
She did mention that she would love to meet up. but I won’t hold my breath and jus see if she does make any contact of importance.
Will see what the future holds, it seems like I will have to close this chapter of my life with her as you have mentioned.
I am glad I could be of help.
Still struggling here myself.
Went on a date, and all I could was think about my Ex.
I feel bad because the girl is really starting to like me too, and I just can’t focus on her.
I’m a terrible person.
trust me you are not terrible.
I’ve been on a few dates and it’s same with me. can’t get her out my head. but your experience has helped and today I been dying to call my ex but haven’t done because of what you said. thanks
Guys! I really hate playing games when it comes to this stuff, but by what you wrote, these exes of yours seem to like them. And if that’s the case, you need to play better than they do to win this.
gazs, I’m sorry if this comes off a bit harsh (so please do forgive me) but the reason why you can’t stop thinking about her, it seems, isn’t necessarily because you love her, but because she keeps you on your toes. All the ambiguity she sends off and her insistence in breaking your NC period to simply chit chat, even though you already told her it’s important to you to get yourself together, shows that she needs to be in control of this relationship, being it friendly or romantic.
The fact that you told her you were hurting and that you expected an answer gave her back the power she thought she lost, even if briefly. And her giving you the “we’ll see, sorry” answer really shows that, in my opinion. From what you described, I’m convinced she’s a power player and only felt things improved in the relationship when that power shifted (during the NC period) and she lost her footing. Some people are attracted to that kind of thing. Of not being overly secure. It’s what attracts them, makes them chase after. Unconsciously, you are obviously attracted to it either because you made yourself vulnerable to her and invested your feelings on someone who keeps pushing and pulling and stringing you along.
So, I can’t believe I’m about to say this (because I’m a hopeless romantic and believe in true love blah blah blah), but in this particular case: let her grovel for a bit, if she really wants you in her life. She’s put you through a lot and she doesn’t seem too upset over it, so the only way I can see a girl like that become truly invested in a loving guy like you is if you turn the tables on her and make her insecure instead. It’s basic psychology, really. The next time she contacts you, it is YOU who is unsure of your feelings and you’d have to really think whether you’d like her as a partner. And for that you need more time. Let her steam and NEVER answer any of her texts after that. And then, some times later, contact her casually and avoid relationship topics, even if she brings them up. She’ll be really curious and more invested, thinking about you and why you have changed so much. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries to be flirty again. (This sounds really horrible, I know!!) Good luck!
That’s really good advice Teresaa. I do very much agree with what you are saying here and I see that evident first hand in Gazs and my situation.
I don’t think I waited long enough into the No Contact to reach out. I thought 33 days was enough for my situation because there wasn’t a lot of damage done. Basically we left it at “we’ll talk soon”. I told her “I’m not going down easy, I will fight for you” and she smiled and said “Okay.”
That being said looking back on my letter, it was fun, lively, struck good memories. Some texts were better than others when I reached out to her, and some didn’t get a response. Regardless, in the end I think I didn’t wait long enough during NC (should have gone 45 days clean), and number 2 I didn’t act quick enough after having good communication to set up a face-to-face. I waited some time between good communication, to letting it fade, then asking for a face-to-face because I was busy, and she was busy. Somewhere during this time she started dating other people, and I think now she’s found 1 guy (the second guy she went out with) who has her attention. She doesn’t “date around”, it’s one and if he doesn’t pass it’s the next. Nonetheless, she still has her issues. She’ll never be truly happy.
You do have to turn the tables though. I feel better since I did that. 12 days ago I removed her and her family and friends from facebook and I told her politely to never speak to me again. I still expect one day she will have a break down and call, but I’m not waiting by the phone anymore.
I still think of her every day, and it is still very tough wrapping my head around this whole thing. I can’t believe it’s been so long since it happened July 5. The pain is still there and it feels like yesterday. But she can no longer see my every move. I’m hoping when I do run into her I’m looking my best, with a gorgeous intelligent girl at my side.
that was hard to read wondering. I really feel for you bro. sounds like we fell for a similar type of girl as Teresaa mentioned
I want to say thanks Teresaa your reply was interesting to say the least. It makes complete sense and I best take your advice. you are correct about her being in power and control as that is how she acted in the relationship too. so that is spot on and I should try follow your helpful advice and see how it goes. thanks again.
Thanks, guys! I have to say I’m at a point in my life where I’m very disillusioned about relationships. If you guys have time to check out my ridiculous thread (about being blocked on FB), I’d appreciate any male input into my situation.
Reading your posts and others on this site and watching other relationships unfold around me I notice these patterns and they are really killing the romantic illusions I grew up with. I was always determined to refuse to play mind games, even though I rationally understand exactly how and why they work. Deep down, and being a hopeless romantic, I guess I still expect one day I’ll meet a guy who really loves me for me, not someone who I trick into loving me because I said and did the right things at the right time. Because in the end, I’d always have that nagging doubt: is that real love or is it just a result of a long con in which I pulled all the right strings?
My sad story is no better than yours. The last few guys I dated all seem to be intelligent, but emotionally unavailable and I keep falling into the same old traps because I always choose to ignore the facts. And since I refuse to play games on principle, it’s all over pretty soon. I guess I have a type too, huh?
Anyway, I hope that my post helped you guys in some way… but to be honest, I wish for once that all these stupid mind tricks and games would end up being useless and that in the meantime you find other people who are wired differently and treat you as you deserve to be treated.