When me and my ex got into fights, I would say some nasty things over text. I didn’t know my ex always sent those to this mutual friend of ours (who had a crush on my ex for years) as well as others. Of course they good stuff never gets sent. There was a point where my ex disclosed all private secrets between us to members of our friend group and lied to me about the extent to which info was disclosed. I just learned that today. These were things my ex said would be kept secret just a week ago. When I broke up with my ex, the mutual friend became the support. When I became desperate to get back together, the mutual friend got more involved and made my ex say things that were once only said to me. Now my ex tells people that between me and this mutual friend, fuck x (mutual friend), marry x, kill me. I don’t know what to make of this. My ex acted very obviously in love with this mutual friend when we were all together and tried to tell me that nothing was going on. Every time my ex tried to comfort me when I was desperate, the mutual friend was contacted before or after and told about how bad my ex felt for having to comfort me and treat my coldly. I didn’t even get to initiate no contact because I was scared of how the friend would affect the situation, and my ex ended up initiating it. My ex told me we were both blocked for a month, but it turns out only I am blocked for a month and the friend is blocked for a week. I know they’re going to start dating and things will work out well because I treated my ex poorly and he won’t have enough time to see my improvements. What do I do? I don’t know how to feel. I still love my ex. We share a friend group and will see each other VERY often. My ex plans on stringing me along as a bff. I still want to get back together, but the mutual friend is now an obstacle. Any advice is appreciated.
@mittermyer Since you started 2 topics, it makes it difficult to keep track of what’s going on. But, you both sound very immature and the “relationship” seemed toxic. How long were you dating or together as a couple? A word of advice: Never put anything in writing (text) that you will regret later. Think before you speak and always treat others with respect and kindness. You can’t have a relationship with the guy if he doesn’t also want the same thing! I suggest you avoid the friend group for awhile to give both of you a chance to cool off. To me, it seems there is much anger and resentments on both sides… Go no contact for a month and see what happens.
What does “friend group” do? Meet ups, hanging out doing what? etc…
@patricia12 Apologies for starting two topics. Hearing all these new details made me very anxious. This was the first relationship for us both and it lasted 8 months. We went through a toxic cycle of fighting every 3 months due to a lack of emotional communication skills and my insecurity of admitting to the friend group that we were a couple. I now know exactly what to work on to make sure if and when I get my ex back, it lasts forever. While I didn’t mean the nasty things I said and my ex knows that, it still hurt him to hear and he needs time to forget that negative experience. We are part of an online friend group. He recently reestablished contact with me and I spoke normally with him for about 20 minutes before telling him I need more time and continuing no contact. He has continued to message me since then. I believe he is now dating our mutual friend as he struggled to say his name to me. I also believe he currently intends to keep me around as an emotional support.
@mittermeyer Was this a homosexual type relationship? Curious due to your use of pronouns, Anyway;
When you say mean and nasty things, you can’t take them back! And apologies don’t mean much if you continue the same sort of bad behaviors. Love and caring for someone means you always treat them with respect and kindness. You never say something that will hurt the other…
When you say he recently reestablished contact and you spoke for about 20 minutes, was that by text or a phone call??
You wrote:“the mutual friend got more involved and made my ex say things that were once only said to me.” Nobody makes someone say something they don’t want to say!
The fact this guy continues to message you after you told him you need more time, is disrespectful. If he needs excessive amounts of attention, let him get it from someone else! Don’t respond to his messages!
Stay focused on improving your behaviors and continue no contact.
Sorry, but to me it sounds like you both need time to mature and you will learn from your mistakes. During no contact, you should consider whether or not he is the kind of person who could possibly be in a happy relationship with you.
If you both apologized to each other and you both try to improve the way you interact with each other, and both of you want to work through the problems, there might be a chance for reconciliation.
Since the friend group is online, I suggest you don’t participate for awhile.
Good luck:)
@patricia12 Yes it was.
The mutual friend lied to me a whole bunch in saying he wouldn’t get involved and that everyone needed time to think but is now actively calling my ex and knowingly getting into a rebound. The mutual friend fed me a number of lies about not worrying that they’re talking and focusing on other things while he, out of desperation, backstabs me and gets with my ex.
The 20 minutes was through a public channel within our friend group.
I didn’t mean to say that he made my ex say those things. My ex doesn’t know how to control his feelings at times and ends up saying more than he would like.
They are now doing things that me and my ex used to do alone. I know that rebounds usually don’t last, but it’s a scary feeling. Especially when this rebound is someone who my ex rejected while we were dating and had lined up for a long time as a reserve. It feels like I am being replaced, and even though I was recovering, I am feeling renewed pain.
Despite it all, I would like to get back together with my ex. We had a meaningful relationship that I know he hasn’t forgotten and there is potential once we mature and learn to communicate effectively. The insecurity issue is no longer there either. I am considering not participating in the group to scare my ex into thinking he’ll lose me. I know that he is still thinking of me and is doing this because he doesn’t know how to handle his feelings.
Thank you so much for the advice. I will continue no contact. The tricky part will be after, dealing with the rebound without getting friend-zoned or pushing him further into it.
@mittermeyer How do you know your ex is in a relationship/dating the mutual friend? And after the mutual friend lied to you, he doesn’t sound like a good friend of yours!
Correct, rebound relationships usually don’t last, but if he treats your ex better than you did, they might end up together for some time… I know it’s a scary feeling, but try not to dwell on them and focus on other things in your life. If you stay no contact, your ex might start thinking of the better times with you and want to reconcile.
Yes, good communication is one of the keys to a happy successful relationship. Don’t ever be offended by something said that you don’t understand or think you might have misinterpreted. During those times, nicely ask for clarification.
I’m not sure what you mean by your insecurity issue. Was it jealousy? If so, never jump to conclusions when you’re in a loving relationship! Always trust the other person unless you have solid evidence of an upsetting suspicion. And never display jealousy by word or deed unless you have proof… and then calmly discuss your feelings about the situation.
If any sort of insecurity is displayed by wanting extreme amounts of time with your partner, remember, that type of smothering behavior is abusive and will eventually drive away your partner!
I suggested avoiding the friend group for a while, not to scare or manipulate your ex, but to give you both a chance to adjust to the breakup and allow time for the bad memories to fade. Right now, every time you contact him, he will immediately think of the negative parts of the relationship because it’s fresh in the memory. Over time, without contact, most people begin to think of the happier moments.
You may still get friend zoned, but you won’t know until later on… Be patient and stay calm no-matter-what.
I wish you luck and please take good care of yourself:)
@patricia12 No, he is not a friend at all. I know he is depressed and self-conscious of his looks, but his desperation in getting with my ex like this demonstrates extremely poor character. He knows my ex needs more time after the break-up but doesn’t care. His actions are despicable.
I am slightly worried about no contact in this situation because this new guy knows what he is doing. He is trying to appeal to my ex and get involved with him very quickly so he forgets about me while I stay away and improve myself. This article: https://www.themodernman.com/blog/is-it-a-rebound-if-they-were-friends-before-getting-together.html gives me great concern. The new guy fits number 10, the friend who always comforted my ex after fights/the break-up which led my ex to mistake neediness and dependence for love.
The insecurity was admitting to my friends that I was gay for my ex. I already opened up to all of them and got over it. Just way too late. Other problems involve stress from school and some envy issues which turned my ex off.
The month before the break-up, I was busy with school work and heavily reflecting on my life choices and thought I wanted to break-up with my ex because of my insecurity. My ex messaged me every day and although I responded when I had time, it obviously wasn’t enough. My ex does actively seek attention so no contact does worry me quite a bit.
One of the last messages he sent me was “no hard feelings” before he asked me if I was okay and invited me to an activity with the new guy and another friend. I don’t know what to make of this.
I will continue no contact with the motivation to improve myself, but at this moment in time I am unsure of whether or not it is the right choice for the situation. Perhaps ending it earlier so I can re-attract my partner before he gets too committed to the rebound.
Thank you once more for everything. I hope you have a pleasant night.
@mittermeyer You wrote:“I wanted to break-up with my ex because of my insecurity.” Specifically which insecurity??
You wrote:“The new guy fits number 10” I don’t see a number 10??
Don’t go to the activity with him, the new guy, and another friend! If you attend the activity, it will show your ex that you’re okay with their relationship.
Not responding immediately or quickly to his messages should not be cause for concern because most people are sometimes busy with other things and he should understand that.
I understand stress from school, but what do you mean by envy issues??
When was the last contact with the ex and how early would you end no contact?? It might be a good idea to end it if you are able to change the behaviors that caused the breakup and are able to communicate properly and avoid arguments!
Due to some of the things you’ve written, I’m of the opinion that your ex is immature. What are your ages if you don’t mind my asking??
@patricia12 “The insecurity was admitting to my friends that I was gay for my ex.”
Apologies, I linked the wrong article. While the one I linked does give me concern to act quickly, I meant number 10 from here: https://pairedlife.com/relationships/Signs-you-are-in-a-rebound-relationship-How-to-know-if-you-have-rushed-into-a-rebound-relationship
I completely ignored the offer to attend the activity. I haven’t replied to my ex since they said “no hard feelings” and wished me a good day. The last contact was Thursday, when he unblocked me. I am thinking about ending it in 2 weeks, but will see how my ex acts in between now and then before deciding. I already changed the most important of the behaviors and am now working on the last parts.
Envy issues just mean I get jealous when people have accomplished more than me in some field I care about. I am working on these and already feel much better about myself.
The biggest concern about ending no contact early is the rebound relationship. I don’t feel like getting friend-zoned and at this point may respond negatively if it goes on for too long.
My ex is quite emotionally immature despite being older than me. We’re both still in college. I’m considering whether or not I should wait until he fixes that about himself.
@mittermeyer Sorry, I don’t understand this:“The insecurity was admitting to my friends that I was gay for my ex.” You also wrote:”I wanted to break-up with my ex because of my insecurity.” So does that mean your friends didn’t know you’re gay and you didn’t want to admit it? That you were willing or thinking of breaking up with your ex because of this reason?
Thanks for the other link and I saw #10. So the new relationship might be “based on dependency and need instead of love.” Okay, try not to think about why your ex is going with the other guy. It will drive you crazy and you still won’t have an answer. What concerns me more is what you wrote:“My ex acted very obviously in love with this mutual friend when we were all together and tried to tell me that nothing was going on.”
You wrote:“I already changed the most important of the behaviors and am now working on the last parts.” What was the most important behavior you changed? And what parts are you working on?
I’m glad you’re feeling better about yourself! Never compare yourself to anyone else. You are unique and have qualities and talents some others do not. Be proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished. And always be grateful for what you have in this life, even the little things.
I know you don’t want to get friend-zoned, but it might be better if you wait to see if they breakup. If they do, you have a chance. You also have the option to date someone who who is more mature than your ex… Waiting for him to ‘fix’ his immaturity and grow up emotionally might take several years.
@patricia12 Yes.
I meant that either my ex was trying to make me feel jealous or did not care/realize how I felt when he treated someone else the way he used to treat me.
The most important thing I resolved was being ashamed to admit to my friends that we were a couple. I can get passive aggressive sometimes when people hurt me in some way and I assume they realized what they did. I’ve reflected heavily on that and looked up strategies to use when a similar situation arises. So far it’s been going well. Apart from bottling things up, I am working on being more open with people, not “negging,” communicating emotions effectively, and more.
Since they got together, they have called each other whenever they have free time. I know this for a fact. I am working on not worrying about what they are doing and it’s been getting easier.
Still unsure about how much longer to continue no contact. I have the feeling he’s still thinking about me, but I also believe the new guy is manipulating him into not doing so. I know him well and he would do that.
@mittermeyer I find it odd that you know they call each other whenever they have free time… And I honestly don’t know how the new guy could manipulate your ex into not thinking of you…
Do whatever you think best regarding no contact.
Good luck:)
@patricia12 I know it sounds odd. It’s a result of the online platforms we use. It makes things very obvious.
He’s trying to replace me, essentially. By spending time with my ex and doing the exact same activities we used to, he’s taking up all of my ex’s attention. I remember some things my ex said. Before we got together, my ex apparently had some feelings for this new guy but focused entirely on me when I entered the picture because he saw more potential. And apparently he repressed his feelings for the new guy because he was committed to me. I think he was just saying things after the break-up to try and make me move on.
I’ve since removed myself from the platforms since it’s detrimental to my improvement at the moment.
Thank you for everything.