Unique Situation - Maybe?

Breakup Help reconciliation
1

I want to share my story with the hope that someone can share their honest perspective and help me see things I am perhaps not wanting to see or maybe just not seeing …

I’m an Indian male who has been in US for over a decade now but parents are still back home. At work, I had a co-worker with whom I’ve worked for over 4 years until I moved overseas for a year for an international assignment. We were a great team and worked well together and never really had any issues between us, she was also considered my work-wife.

Anyways, while I went on the international assignment, the colleague came over for a business trip. We both were very excited to see each other and that’s where things between us started but I wouldn’t say it was serious because I was at that time talking to other women for arranged marriage and she wasn’t an option. However, during this trip I learned that she was going thru issues with her husband (yes she was married with 2 very young kids) and was contemplating divorce and this was not the first time she had thought about divorce. I had moved to a new place for work and she was going thru this in her personal life and given our history of working together and being friends, all this collectively put us in a place of wanting someone known to share ourselves with and that’s what happened.

From here on, we both saw each other couple more times due to business trips and each time we were extremely excited and happy to see each other. Anyhow this is when she got serious about her divorce and filed for it. In parallel, we started talking about officially dating each other as my arranged marriage thing did not work out (and no it wasn’t because of me being in this situation with her, it was more to do with the families not getting along). However, I was also aware that its going to be practically impossible to convince my parents because as an Indian, while my parents are pretty modern in values and traditions, asking them to letting me marry someone who is couple years older than me, divorced (would have been) with two kids and eastern european would be over the top for them too. I had already told her this from the get go but she convinced me and give me hope that how’d we know its impossible if we never gave it a shot and I should come out of my “box”.

Over the past 2+ years, we’ve been on and off with this relationship and the on and off has mainly been that she wanting me to commit regardless of my parents consent to a future - a marriage - a fight. And, I on the other hand told her that I will not and cannot ever go against my parents but I will definitely try and fight for us which I did every visit home over the past 2+ years and after every visit when hope died, I told her that we should end this or she would end it … only for us to find each other back again together because I couldn’t live without her and would go after her begging to give me another chance and let me try again with my parents. Also, after I moved back to US, I got a place very close to hers so knowing that she is so close to me and not being able to be together was impossible for me. Each time we broke up, I had anxiety attacks, I’d drive past her house just to catch her glimpse, show up at her desk at work or pass by it to see her (she had changed teams when I returned) etc.

Anyways earlier this year I left the company and moved out of state and at that point we were done for good. However, once again, distance didn’t change anything and we got back together on and doing long distance all over again. Finally over this christmas break she had her dad visiting (her mom lives with her) and she wanted me to come over and tell her dad about us and commit to him about us having a future and I told no this is not possible because until I have my parents consent I cannot move forward with us or tell something to your dad that is not certain. This was the final straw that broke the camel’s back and we’ve not spoken over past 2 weeks because I told her that we cannot go into another year with this uncertainty and we need to end it or go for it but I cannot go for it like the way you want it (which was commit to her dad, getting married by next dec, use the one year to convince my parents more but regardless if my parents agree or not at the end, we get married in dec 2019).

One thing I did not mention was the kids in all this, I love them and they equally love me and we’ve spent numerous hours together. While she feels hurt and sad that I am leaving her and the kids just like that, she doesn’t realize that its equally hard for me because i am losing 3 people / my family vs. them only losing 1 person (me) in all of this.

I guess, after all the background which is super brief and there is so much more to this story, the bottom line i am trying to get to, is seek some advise from here is that, over these 2 years we got more and more emotionally strong and attached. In the meantime, I’ve tried to bring her up with my parents few times and each time its been an nightmare and fiasco. We are now in the NC phase but what hurts me the most is the fact that we both are not together is not because I or she wanted to call this off but we had to part ways because of my parents and nothing else. My parents on the other hand have been constantly sharing profiles of women for me to seek for arrange marriage but obviously I can’t see any of them from that view and my parents don’t care about it and continue to force me into this arrange meeting thing for several years now … they however do say that if she did not have kids, they would still be open to this relationship but kids is their biggest reason of not accepting this relationship. They’ve also told that if I were to bring another girl similar to her but without kids, they’d not hesitate to get me married to that girl.

In all of this, should I let her go, or should I go against my parents and hope things will come around and at some point we all will be one happy family … or this is asking for too much and there are too many things at cross-roads here that while our love maybe worth it, the journey there may ruin that love.

Appreciate candid response and open to clarification on any of the things noted.

PS - I miss her every single day and each morning my first thought is her. I am trying very hard to get past this but I am struggling.

2

If you care about her, you would let her go as it’s obvious there is no future for the two of you. Follow your parents advice.

3

Thanks for the candid feedback but if you don’t mind, can you please state the obvious here? Because I am not understanding what the parents advise here is other than letting this go w/o reasoning

Are you also suggesting that me fighting with my parents and keeping them upset until (and hopefully) they come around and accept us is not worth it for our relationship? If so, can you just elaborate more on why, like because you think that parents / culture is quite strong here and our relationship will be damaged and worse due to this? Sorry, just trying to find closure / acceptance to the situation w/ a little more reasoning.

4

I am not sure that any of the advice on this website really applies here, and I am not sure what NC will accomplish in your situation. NC seems to be more for when your ex is unsure of you, not for when you are unsure of your ex, or that you and your girlfriend love each other and want to be together but external forces keep you apart.

This is really a cultural issue, and this isn’t completely about your parents’ values. This is about your own values too, as you feel compelled to heed your parents’ wishes at the cost of your relationship.

If your parents’ consent is really that important to you, and you don’t see any way to reconcile the lack of consent with being with the woman you love, then maybe, just let this go and find someone else someday. Or, look within yourself and figure out if maybe, you do understand your parents’ perspective about it all, and maybe it’s not about them at all, but that you, yourself aren’t sure of this situation.

Even if it is you who is unsure, that doesn’t make it any easier to get over a relationship.

5

You wrote:“I told no this is not possible because until I have my parents consent I cannot move forward with us…” AND “We had to part ways because of my parents,”

You also wrote:" I’ve tried to bring her up with my parents few times and each time its been an nightmare and fiasco."
You’ve already talked with your parents a few times, they won’t change their opinion, and you don’t want to go against their rules.

And you wrote:“…kids is their biggest reason of not accepting this relationship.”
Your ex has 2 children.

Breaking up with your ex several times isn’t good and it’s very hurtful. That’s why I said if you care about her, you will let her go. She needs a man who will commit to her regardless of his parents consent and that would be a modern man raised in a less restrictive culture.

6

@Hijack and @Patricia12 - First of all, thank you both for taking the time to respond to my concerns.

@Hijack - To be honest, yes I was not sure about this relationship initially due to all the cultural taboo, reaction / abandonment by the society, etc. etc. but overtime I’ve come past it and I wouldn’t say I am 100% there because I often contemplate, how will it be bringing it up to extended family and their reaction, broader set of friends, people at work etc … but you know these are passing thoughts but the only constant thought is her. Having said that and coming back to the point, I will never be 100% about anything in life based on how I know myself, regardless of this situation, so that is moot in this case but I am as close to 100% as I can be about her. The only reason I want my parents to be on board is because of everything they’ve done for me and the sacrifices they’ve made all over the years to give me the best life I can have and I just don’t want to do this which will come across as a slap in their face, hence the hesitation. Since this is cultural and probably the biggest joy in the life of Indian parents of getting their kids married off and last “responsibility” of them as parents, I just don’t want to rob them off it, that’s all. There are many other situations where I’ve done as I pleased because the implications were not on them. Anyways, I feel like bottom line is that I should let her go if I don’t want to upset my parents because really we both don’t have all the time in the world to continue to wait around for my parents to come on board. And as far as the NC rule I am applying, its because in my mind I want to continue to bring her up with my parents and if they do agree, I will reach out to her (provided not enough time has lapsed and she has not found someone else) but until then I don’t want to give her any hope, hence NC. Not sure if this is truly NC but that’s what my version is.

@Patricia12 - Your last paragraph really hit the nail on the head, especially the last line which basically said she needs a modern man to commit regardless of parents consent. Unfortunately for me parents consent is the only cultural aspect that is deep engrained within and more because of my parents history and health issues that any such move of mine can have ripple effects on them, health wise as well as the society backlash that I will never face being out of the country but they will.

I am sure as you all read this, you are thinking that i keep finding excuses to not be with her than be with her but I am just trying to look at it holistically coz marriages for indians are not just about the guy and girl but about the families too.