Trying to do this the Right Way

reconciliation
1

So my ex broke up with me the 22nd of March. We had been in random sporadic contact afterwards but have not shared any dialogue in about 2-3 days now. The break up was pretty amicable, there was some intense negative energy but never any hatred or anger, more of ‘how could you do this to us?’.

I didn’t do any of the negative things minus trying to persuade her during our 20-30ish minute break up session but I’d like to think that’s kind of normal. I didn’t want to jeopardize the relationship she wanted to keep with me and even though my feelings were telling me to fight I kind of felt like I would be pushing her away so I didn’t do the negative things much to my happiness. (this website confirmed what I felt before I even knew if what I was doing was right).

We broke up because I wasn’t doing certain things that created some resentment in her. It’s not like we were fighting all the time, we had a very good relationship and worked on our problems together very well. She’s someone who is very anxious and ambitious so the combination of those two things plus me not doing certain things to solidify a solid future together perturbed her (whether she knew it or not but I could tell and analyzing what happened afterward affirmed those feelings in me even more). She said maybe we could connect together in the future but not to wait for her and she wouldn’t be upset if I moved on and fell in love again even though it was the furthest thing in my mind. She also still wanted to be best friends and said she couldn’t imagine me not in her life. I think that’s her way to have me without having me not realizing this break up could have been me being so pissed that we just ceased to ever talk again.

But I’m in a good place now surprisingly happy and motivated because I know she still loves and is in love with me. I just have this weird unshakable feeling we will end up together again but I don’t know if it’s because our bond is that strong or I’ve somehow fooled myself into thinking she would ever take me back. Maybe it’s because of how relatively amicable the split was and that I respected her boundaries very well even though it was hard.

2ish days ago she poked me on facebook and I hadn’t been on in 1-2 hours to respond so I just decided to poke her back when I got the notification because she pokes a lot of people and usually responds pretty systematically to the pokes with not much thought or emotion. Then I get a poke back which was strange cuz even sometimes when we were together she wouldn’t respond that quickly. I just poked her back again and we engaged in this ‘poke war’ where we poke each other consistently every second until one person taps out. This was a popular thing we did when we were together and it gave me strong hope because it wasn’t even contact I initiated and it felt good to know she missed me strongly and gave me hope that she would be easily convinced to get back together.

I’m in a better place, making moves, happy (somehow. I was a wreck when the realities started setting in). I’m doing what she always wanted I just needed a little trauma to shake the cobwebs off and understand myself.

i guess my question is though what should I be doing next after No Contact? I plan on reaching out to her around the end of the month with a letter if her family will give me her current address since she’s living in a new place for her internship. If not I’m just gonna text her a little later then I may have sent out the letter. I just don’t know how I would set up planning a date with her if she’s in Washington DC and I’m still in NJ. Any help would be appreciated because I feel like I’ve done well thus far in every aspect of this plan I just want to tread lightly and keep my chances as high as they currently feel.

2

bump, please

3

I would do the letter. Its seems more personal and romantic. Much better than a text. Shows u really put effort in it. Your situation is very similar to mine. I wasn’t doing things that I needed to do and it frustrated her. We still talk and have recently had some positive conversations with some playful joking. She still misses me and will contact me once or twice a week. I think u guys will work out. Just don’t let her use u as an emotional crutch. Sometimes girls do that and that’s why they stay in touch. They want the connection and and the closeness without being with u. Not saying she’s doing that but it’s possible. Give it time before u send the letter. I did mine to soon and it didn’t work like I wanted. At least a month. If I would of waited things could be better for me.

4

@ericson thank you for your response. i feel lucky having someone who has been in my position before.

since this I posted this she reached out to me verbally and we spoke briefly with not much feeling. Then she reached out again but I didn’t respond in fear of making myself too available. Then she reached out saying we shouldn’t speak even though it was my plan from the get go. It got more emotionally intense because it felt like old times briefly. There were a lot of intense emotions from both sides and I felt like I pushed her away a bit but she said the same thing to me she said when we originally broke up that she is confused and doesn’t understand her feeling yet still? I feel like being the subject of what caused her pain I know what she is feeling and know what I have to do so that she doesn’t have to feel that way again if we ever do get back together.

I asked her to tell me she didn’t love me or that she wasn’t in love with me or that there was no chance in the future again but she still refused I guess because that’s not the way she genuinely felt? At least I hope and once again it still left me with a bit of hope. So we aren’t speaking again and I can see it being much longer than the foreseeable future this time cuz she finally got it through her thick self that it was something that needed to happen from the get go. I think in 4-6 weeks I will send her a letter that I expect no response to but I just want to send it as a positive gesture regardless and to let her sit on it.

She definitely was using me as an emotional crutch though. I had said to her that she is getting what she wants, she gets to have the parts of me she wants without being with me.

How is it going with your situation, do you see hope or is it still too early to tell? How long have you been with her and how long have you guys been broken up? For reference we’ve been seeing each other sans relationship for over 3 years, in a relationship for almost 2. we’ve been broken up for 2ish weeks now.

5

I really think are situations are very similar. We were together almost two years. Tomorrow would’ve been are anniversary. We’ve been broken up for two months. The first month I tried to get her back. I begged and pleaded with her. I wrote her a letter. I’ve been really working on being a better me. Last month I went over to see her at her house. Stayed for about three hours. We talked mostly just catching up. We ended up having see. She thought I would feel hurt afterwards. I thought the connection was there. It felt great to be intimate with her. But she said she didn’t feel the same as she used to. She sent me a text the next day saying that it was over for good. I was devastated. So I left her alone for awhile. But after 4 or 5 days she contacts me. Two weeks ago she was depressed and said she misses me sometimes and wanted to come over and have me hold her. She said when she’s down I make her feel better. I wasn’t home so she didn’t come over. I texted her and said I wish I made her feel good enough to be with me. Since then we’ve talked and texted each other. We had good conversations and talked for an hour on the phone Wednesday. We were teasing each other and no talking about are issues. I was feeling like things were headed in the right direction. Today I texted her and told her happy easter. Then I messed up and said I missed her. She said her day was bad and she wanted to be alone. Said she would call tomorrow. We broke up because I was in a funk and she was too. I wasn’t emotionally open as I was before. My lack of motivation was rubbing off on her and it was bringing her down. I’ve really turned things around quickly. I feel motivated and making myself better. She’s still in a run and she said it makes her feel bad I’m doing better without her. So what do u think? Does it sound like I have a chance?

6

I think u guys have a good chance to reunite. Pull back a little and I think she will come to u. It sounds like she loves u still. Why did u break up? Don’t call her and I think she will call u. I don’t think she will be able to stay away for month. I bet she calls in a week or two. Sometimes I think she might using me as an emotional crutch but it’s hard to tell. I hope u can give me some advice. Thanks for your help

7

One more thing. I was the same way. Wasn’t doing things I needed to do. Now I’m doing them. I also feel it was the kick in the ass to get me motivated. I wish I did it sooner but I just didn’t do it

8

Well… women are HARD AS HELL to understand (Well, no, they’re impossible to understand haha)

I’m also in an strange situation like you (Ericson & Burntreesplease). My ex dumped me 3 weeks ago (After 5 years) saying that she was not feeling the same as before (Eventhough I know that there was a third person involved, and that person dumped my ex 1 week after she dumped me :P)

She blocked me from EVERYWHERE after the break up, and then unblocked me from EVERYWHERE after that guy broke her heart, but I did NC for 3 weeks and finally, after watching a movie, I sent her a txt saying “I’ve seen that movie and remembered some of our good moments”, but really I wasn’t expecting a response… and then she responded to me, she even apologize for responding and said “Im sorry because maybe you don’t want to get a response from me, I thought you would never wanted to know about me” and she even told me that “We need some time right now but don’t worry, because someday…” (Incomplete sentence haha)

We had a mini-conversation and yesterday we met up (Was strange, she first asked me for a meeting, five munutes later she wrote to me saying that she changed her mind… five minutes later again she changed her mind and came to my house). The meeting was strange, I was wearing all new clothes, new haircut, I looked happy and she looked happy to see me, she even had some tears on her eyes… she gave me a few hugs… and then she changed her mood and told me things like “I was unhappy for one year but was afraid to tell it to you, there was noone else (It’s a lie, I know about that third person, her family knows, our common friends know :P) and you did nothing for our relationship all that time” and also “This is my decision and I won’t change it no matter the consequences”

All those things were lies, because I called to her everyday for 3 hours, I went to see she 3-4 days every week, I was there when she was depressed, I fullfilled her dreams this years (She wanted to go since she was a child to Disneyland, and I took her there this year, also to Tokyo and a lot of things)… I did EVERYTHING she wanted me to do and EVERYTHING I WAS CAPABLE TO DO for our relationship…

And then, after telling her those things (Not angry, I was very calm), she changed her mood again and told me “Well, maybe you did some little things for our relationship (Little? go to hell) but don’t worry, I want to meet you again this week and who knows, maybe I will call you again soon to go on a date again”

Really crazy and I wasn’t prepared for it, so here are my advices to you:

1 - You (And them) need more time (Just like me), If you feel that some more NC will be a good thing, do it for 2 or 3 or 4 weeks more.

2 - Contact them when you feel that you’re ready for it. And that means: Be SURE that you’re not expecting an answer. If they contact to you, just be honest to yourself and do WHATEVER you feel you WANT to do, Ignore them, answer them, send them to hell (Just kidding :P) . Before feeling sorry for not doing something , just do it and feel sorry later.

3 - Let them express their feelings first. Don’t ask them, don’t show yours. It’s their turn to take the first step.

4 - Work on yourself. I know that it’s hard as hell and that we just want our exes back (Me too), but it’s our LIFE, we can be happy by ourselves. Think of our exes as possible “SUPPLEMENTS” to our lives.

5 - Maybe I’m too optimist, but I think that we must NEVER loose our hope. In my life (I’m 33 years old) I had 3 exes before this one… and I had ALWAYS the chance to get back with them, 1 was 1 month after the break up, 1 was 3 years after, and another one was 1 year after the break up. And I said “NO” those three times :stuck_out_tongue:

6 - Don’t loose your hope, but don’t focus your efforts on that hope. Keep improving yourself, and maybe in the future your ex will realize that she wants you back… or maybe the “new you” will find another girl.

7 - And for me the most important… KEEP YOURSELVES STRONG. It’s hard and probably all of us will want to give up, but that’s not our style. We are here, suffering, asking for advice, improving ourselves, trying to “fix” our relationships… we are doing what we can, and one way or another, sooner or later, with our exes or with a new love, we will get our reward.

Good luck!!

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Sandorph I subscribe everything you said. Great message :slight_smile: Point 7 is spot on!

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@Sandorph , your comment was much appreciated. thank you for the encouragement. if you don’t mind me asking, with those 3 exes int he past who broke up with who and why did you say no to getting back with them? with this ex would you say no to her? and if you wouldn’t, why not?

since i feel such a strong connection with her and still for some reason feel like i have a really good chance if i keep doing things for myself and moving forward it’s so hard for me to not visualize things in a certain way even if logically i know that will not help me and that it may not even go the way i want it to. but the fact she still keeps me so close, not blocking me on any social media, reaching out herself a few times and just wanting to be close in the future gives me so much hope that may be detrimental for letting go mentally. does that make sense? i don’t know how i’ll feel in a month but i know that on may 4th or 5th i want to send her a letter regardless of where i’m at mentally. i’m sure i’ll be much happier but i don’t know if i’ll feel any less invested in this situation. i’m trying to make some dates with other women but it’s not going so well. fuck okcupid. i would care so much less if had something concrete from her whether it be what she’s feeling or if we were to have another chance, when that would be. but i know i may not get any of that.

@ericson she seems to be missing you a lot even if she won’t say it. She seems to be struggling and missing you a lot. i’m not one to predict the future but in a perfect world if you still keep playing your cards right i don’t see why she wouldn’t want to be with you again. it’s a matter of her feeling herself like she wants to be with you though, not that she needs to be convinced, you know? the only problem i see being which could apply to anyone’s situation is if they’re strong willed enough they could just want to keep the relationship in the past for the sole reason that they don’t want to go back on what they said. i really don’t know how’d i’d react if i were in her situation though. it’s a tough call. just keep doing you and maybe making yourself less available to her in terms of saying you miss her and whatnot.

so in closing, @Sandorph & @ericson besides the questions i asked in the post above i have a few more. i am going to send her a letter in a little less than a months time. she’s in washington dc for an internship living somewhere she’s never lived before. would you suggest emailing her out of convenience and staying far from her life or should i ask her mom for her new address? should i tell her mom not to tell my ex that i saw her or does it not matter? and what should i put in the letter/email when i send it?

11

In my case:

1st Ex - I broke up with her. And I said “no” because I was very young (18 years old) and I was enjoying my life hehe

2nd Ex - She broke with me. And I said “no” because she cheated on me.

3rd Ex - I broke with her. I asked her to return, she told me “no”, and 1 year after the break up she asked me to return and I said “no” because… I don’t remember, probably because it was a toxic relationship.

Right now, with this one… I really want to say “Yes” if she gives me the option (Or I hope that she’ll say yes if I give her the option). It was a very long relationship, we fulfilled a lot of dreams together, and I really think that she is my soulmate.

On the hand, and in my opinion (And maybe I’m wrong :P) I don’t like to involve my ex family in our issues… but it also depends on your relationship with her mother. If you have a good relationship, you can ask her for the new address.
And about what to write, just write whatever you feel comfortable with, I mean, after writing it and reading it you must say:

“Ok, that’s all, I don’t regret what I’m telling her, and I don’t expect an answer. If she answer me, that’s great (More chances and more doors opened), but if I don’t get an answer, at least I feel comfortable with myself”

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@Sandorph , thank you so much. I think I’m going to ask her for the address because I want to write a more personalized letter, I think my ex will be very impressed. And I have a great relationship with her mom, she always wanted us to get married and even if it may be a joke, she’s always really liked me and I’ve always really liked her. She’s treated me as her own and I can’t say any of the relationship was fabricated or falsified because of the interactions we’ve had while my ex wasn’t there…

13

Yeah burnt trees do the letter. It is much more thoughtful. I know it might get sticky asking for the address. I’d do it still. I still think with patience u have a great shot.

My situation is still tough but I’m super hopeful. She is having troubles with family and with herself. I think she’s depressed. She told me she loves me. I asked if we could hang out once in awhile she said she didn’t trust herself that she would get back with me if she did. Today she called me crying with some personal family things and I calmed her down and helped her. I know its a matter of time unless like u said that she doesn’t for the sake of not doing it but her feelings are still strong. I feel confident as long as I take my time

14

@ericson I don’t know if you read one of the latest emails but it seems even though everything seems good with your ex right now she’s probably trying to remain consistent and staying broken up because she doesn’t want to believe the break up was a mistake. hopefully the next email says something insighftul for your situation.