Good day all. I was in an almost 4 year relationship (41M & 43F). Everything was good for the most part except my biggest problem with her is she would never open up emotionally which totally threw me off because in my experience, women are all emotional creatures. In the 4 year relationship, she never once told me she loved me, ever. I also never forced the issue. About 2 years into the relationship, I decided to sit her down and let her know that I had serious feelings for her and that I did love her. She immediately clammed up and proceeded to tell me that it puts pressure on her hearing that and I need to let her come to me when she is ready to express herself in that way. Well, needless to say, two years after that talk, nothing. At year 3 she asked me to move in with her. I figured, this was a good sign that is progressing emotionally and wanted to take things to the next step. I moved in and everything went south from there. She got super lazy, was always in bed before 7pm, never wanted to have sex, and never wanted to do anything unless it was with her girlfriends. Once Covid hit, things just got worse. I finally came to my own personal conclusion that she was just emotionally unavailable and things would never progress, so I decided to pack my things up and move back to my hometown which was 900 miles away to basically start over and have a mental reset.
I moved back and things were great. Three weeks into being gone, she still contacted me on occasion and I was always polite but also didn’t always reply. She ended up booking a flight to come see me and did not even ask if she could come. She booked a flight and just sent me her flight information. I was a little put off by that but rolled with it anyways. Two weeks after she left, I was diagnosed with skin cancer. She found out through some mutual friends and next thing you know, she booked a flight to come be there for my surgery. By this time she was totally engaging, flirting heavily via phone and text, and we even hooked up when she came to see me. I was feeling she was actually showing more initiative since I have moved away from when I was living with her so I stayed cool and just sat back and kept working on myself and moving along with life.
All of the sudden she became cold and distant. I never blew her phone up, no emails, no nothing. I ended up flying back to where she lived to see some friends. She knew I was coming and told me I could stay at her place for the 5 days I was there. A few days before my flight I did text her out of respect to make sure it was still ok I stayed at her place and this is where things went very sideways. She proceeded to tell me I can stay there as long as I know where are only friends, that nothing will happen between us and she did not want to give me mixed signals. Um what? I never once asked her to get back together. She had been pursuing me and never once did I pursue her. This basically told me there was another dude in the picture. We are not together, she can do what she wants. I ended up staying with one of my friends instead because I am not the drama type. It would have been awkward now to stay with her. The entire time I was there, not once did she ask to see me or even meet up for a drink. Mind you she lives 2 blocks from where I was staying. She was cold and distant. I did receive one text from her trying to cause trouble and start an argument which I did not reply. Before I left, I finally told her it wasn’t a good idea that we talk to one another again. I called her out on giving mixed signals since the day I left to move back home and then being cold. I am great friends with her family and I keep them out of it however I do on occasion get calls from them asking what’s going on. Come to find out, people in her family have been calling her out on the BS she has been doing.
At this point I am on day 21 of no contact. I have zero intention of calling her and do not even want to. Of course there is a part of me that wants to hear from her but if I do, it will only be because she wants to stir things up or for selfish reasons. I feel I am her go-to when there is nothing else going on in her life. Plus I am having a hard time understanding how you can be in a relationship with someone for 4 years and never tell them you love them. Funny side note, once I left she was whining to her brother about how old she is and that she will never find anyone who will like her. Hahaha, like really? Anyways, for some odd reason I do still love her. She does have some good qualities however the emotionally unavailable part of her is a deal breaker. She continued to want more and more from me however was never willing to budge on things I needed from her. The first 21 days have been tough. This is the longest we have no talked in the 4 years. I know I made the right decision by leaving and the right decision to cut her off. I do feel a little bad for doing it however my mental health comes before her BS. I will hear from her again. Whether its in a week, few months, or years, she will be back and I am preparing myself mentally for when that happens and I will definitely be in a better place. Any input on thinking if I am right on her just being emotionally unavailable?
@vk2302 First of all, using common sense, you should have known by her previous 3 year behavior (concerning lack of loving emotions) that it would not be good to move in with her! Her “relationship” behavior was not normal!
How long after you moved in with her did you move out? Sounds like maybe a year…
I suggest you don’t contact her family anymore. You have your own family and friends I’m sure… You need to make a clean break from her and her family!
You say you love her, but it’s because you’re only thinking of the good times and not focusing on the the bad behaviors and all the misery she caused you. If you get some self respect, you would not want or allow someone to treat you the way she did!
Lots of women have “good qualities” and I hope you eventually find one who is a normal person.
Good luck:)
Hi Patricia, this message is very “spot on.” I should have known better than move in with her. It was destine for failure from the beginning. Live and learn I guess.
We lived together for just over a year. Is is time for me to move on which is why I left and moved back home and also set boundaries with asking her never to message me again. So far, she has done as I have asked. Hopefully it continues to be that way.
Thank you for your remarks.
@vk2302 If she starts hounding you with messages, don’t respond! Block her or change your contact details if you need to do so…
You might be a little sad now, but in the long run, you will be much happier!
Have a nice weekend and stay safe.
Wishing you well and pray your health issue is resolving/resolved.