So my ex girlfriend and I broke up a few days ago. She suffers from depression (not sure if that factors in anything), also telling me that I’ve done nothing wrong that it came down to her family disapproving, she ended up telling me that she does still have feelings for me but because she sometimes have negative spikes she says she can’t handle dealing with her own emotions while trying to cater to mine at the same time…I’m not sure on what to do…I read this article and while I do understand the idea of what NC is supposed to do for me the only thing holding me back is that I’m afraid what if it doesn’t work? How would I keep up with it? (I’m finding myself having the urge to message her every chance I get) The relationship was only for 5 months but we have been friends while interested in each other for 5-6 years now. On top of my questions on whether or not NC is effective I decided to try it and am only on my second day in and I have an urge to break it already…how do I keep myself from giving in to my urges?..
There are no guarantees in life about anything. You must stop causing her more distress by keeping no contact. You keep yourself from giving in to your urges by caring and doing what’s best for her! Stop thinking about what YOU want to do! Give her space and a chance to deal with her depression. Hopefully she will seek counseling.
Thank you for responding Patricia. I do understand that I need to give her time to herself. Since I posted this in the forum I have done my absolute best to work on myself and not contact her and the last I’ve heard from her was when she messaged me on social media congratulating me on getting a new job, I replied with a thank you hours later but since then I have not been keeping any contact. I’ve been looking up more information on NC but I am not sure as to how do I know if it is working? I understand that the process is really for me to fix myself and make myself better. Will there be specific signs that she will show that’ll let me know that there is a chance if I keep following no contact?
Why do her parents disapprove of you? The only sign I can think of is if she overcomes her depression and asks to try to work things out with you to possibly try again for a better relationship.
I know it’s difficult for you, but continue no contact. Good luck…
Well I met her through working at her family business so they say they know I’m a good person but their problem with me is that I am still in school. Is there a point when I should try to reach out again?
Is she living with her parents? Are they going to get her help for her depression? Is she still in school (high school or college) too? If so, is she getting good grades and when does she graduate? So you have a job and go to school? When do you graduate? How far apart do you live from each other?
Sorry for all the questions, but the answers might help me gain some insight.
You could continue giving her some space for a couple of weeks and then call or text to ask how she’s doing. Don’t ask to get back together, but make it a short cheerful conversation and maybe even say you miss her.
So to answer your questions, yes she is currently still living with her parents, she graduated college already but is going back to get her masters degree soon, she was seeing a therapist before but is now only on medication, yes I do have a job and go to school (should be done with nursing school in two years), and we live maybe 15 minutes apart.
She did message me yesterday only to say happy birthday to me and I responded with “thank you so much. Hope you’re doing well.” And immediately went back to no contact.
Update: So after going back into no contact she texted me back this morning but I am not sure if she is trying to have a conversation with me because she did check on me and so after I stopped messaging back because she sent me an “I see lol” message.
You might not be able to determine if her depression has been helped with the medication, but message back in a few days to ask how she’s doing. Then take it from there…
She has been taking the medication for a while but she says it doesn’t really help her much. I haven’t tried texting her back since then, i did however see her at work and tried to talk to her (not about the relationship) just asking her how she has been. She did ask me how my school business was going and how the new job was for me but I can sense the awkwardness between us…I did go back into no contact though. Not sure if it is working still.
Update: she did text me happy birthday last week and we had a light conversation (she actually responded to me faster than she was at the point of our break up) but after i asked her how she has been she never responded to me again. This was before I saw her at work.
Hi i came here because of your reply to my thread I think that depressed people needs space but also positive reinforcements once in a while. I think it is a good progress that you two have been in contact and asking each other’s wellbeing but I think you should try to sometimes text her of something that reminds you of her or something that might interest and her try to keep your tone upbeat.
If only we were still in contact. It has sadly been a week since I have spoken to her, decided to give her what she wanted which is space and the breakup. I have thought about sending out messages like that but I have not figured out the right things to say without sounding like a fool or coming off as me desperately trying to get her back. I have thought of messaging her but I know it’s selfish of me to do so when she obviously seems like she doesn’t want to talk at the moment. I know word play in messages could send off like different meanings but would you mind providing me with an example?
Well when you are ready to initiate contact or when she reaches out to you for a bit of a chat. I have seen a pattern in our chats my ex and I it was always monotonous like “hey how was your day?” but when they are suffering from depression even that mundane question seems hard for them to answer because they have these emotional turmoil inside them. Try to initiate contact in a way that you set a positive tone by using your knowledge of their hobbies for example my ex likes to play ps4 so much so I will try to initiate contact by saying “hey did you watch the trailer for the last of us? It’s coming out soon thought you might want to know.”
I understand how those texts are supposed to remind them that you know their hobbies or you know something about them and are supposed to make them think positively about you, but my question to that is how exactly do they usually react to those kinds of texts? Because in my mind I’m thinking they might be like “wow he/she is still thinking about me and can’t get over me”, I guess my fear would be like she would view it as a desperate attempt to get her back. Not sure if I’m right in thinking that way but if you could provide me with like how how your ex reacted to that message then it might help me see it in another perspective.