My partner and I (both NB 23) were together for almost 8 years. We started “dating” online in sophomore year of high school, April 3rd of 2018, after meeting over Omegle. We later met for the first time that summer. We were around each other for a few days, and on the last day they were staying in the area, I had my first kiss with them, as well as my first kiss ever. We would continue to date, visiting each other’s houses over weekends, during holidays, for school events like homecoming. The pandemic hit in 2020, and we still managed to see each other eventually. After things began to clear up, we continued seeing each other as we began our lives as adults.
Our progress as adults was rather slow, as we’re both on the spectrum as well as have a fear of driving. Despite this, our relationship was still amazing. We loved each other so deeply, and we were each other’s first practically everything. We’ve grown so close to each other, despite the moderate distance between us. We’d eventually begin spending WEEKS together. We’d text every day, call most every night. We would play things together. We loved spending time just being around one another. We gave each other gifts. We kissed and laughed and smiled so much around each other. Despite all of that though, there was one issue that continued to plague us and would eventually lead to the implosion of the single greatest thing of my life.
This all requires some context about myself that I am alright sharing, but some may be sensitive to. So I will be spoiler tagging it, as it deals with a very heavy, adult topic.
Summary
When I was 7 or 8, I was in a production of a musical being put on by my school district. During a rehearsal or show (I cannot recall which), two teenage or young adult girls got me high, drunk, and then proceeded to sexually assault me.
For years, my brain had totally hidden this memory from me, until it was suddenly “unlocked” so to speak during a conversation I was having with friends when we were maybe 19. This event, paired with unrestricted internet access as a kid, would lead me to develop what I now understand to be hypersexuality. And this is where the problem that would become a cycle arose. To me, engaging with adult content was like a rote, second-nature type thing.
The first instance of this being a major problem for our relationship came about several years ago, when I was just liking and following NSFW content creators on Twitter right in front of her. I never even thought anything of it until they brought it up to me, weeping about how deeply it hurt them. It made them feel insecure, self-conscious, like they weren’t good enough, and much more. I promised that I would stop. And for a while, I was good about policing my engagement with this content. But eventually, I’d start slipping again.
A year or two ago, another incident occurred, where they found that I was following these creators and liking this content still. They again confronted me about it, and I said that I would change. I again had broken their trust, making them feel like they constantly had to look over my shoulder or keep tabs on my following list. It became a major problem for them with constant worry about self-comparison. I really tried. I thought I could do it on my own. I thought if I just had enough willpower, I could conquer my issues and my hypersexuality. I was wrong.
The final instance happened about 4 months ago. This time, I didn’t even know that what I did it. I had followed a few accounts that were NSFW content creators because I had seen shitposts or memes that they posted, which I thought were funny, and followed without thinking. They found this, and it shattered them. They tried to hold out for a long time for the relationship, but ultimately ended things a month ago now. They’ve said that they don’t think they’ll ever forgive or forget what I did to them. They’ve said they don’t see a chance for starting something new once we heal and have time to grow. I feel as though this was said primarily as some subconscious survival tactic.
I am actively taking steps now to heal and grow for myself through a long-term inpatient program, as well as delving into the more spiritual aspects of my life that I’ve long left on the sidelines. I’ve done a lot of introspection and will be doing much much more. I feel as though we’ve been through so much together and known each other through such formative years of our lives, that to just be done forever feels untrue. I’d really appreciate any criticism, feedback, advice, etc. I’m also happy to answer any questions anyone may have. Thank you all for taking the time to read through this long ass post.