Below is my story (sorry for the long text, I wanted to put as much details as possible). I feel that it is different than the others that I’m seeing online (she never really was my girlfriend since we only saw each other for 2 months), so I decided to ask advices from you guys. Right now, I’ve been a week into NC and I’m planning to stay in NC until my problems are fixed. My questions are: 1. Do you think I can get a second chance? And 2. How would you approach this after the NC period? Have a discussion with her where I’m disclosing everything? Or stick to Kevin’s script? Or ditch NC and go talk to her right now (and maybe going back to NC afterwards)? Or something else?
Thanks!
I’ve met this girl in May 2015 and ever since I’ve been developing a crush on here. Since she was with someone else, I of course made no move on her and only became friend with her (my crush wasn’t that big at the beginning). We are both PhD students within the same university, but in different engineering department, meaning that we would see each other maybe 15-20 times a year (usually for academic stuff).
Towards the end of 2017, she became “free” as she broke up with her then boyfriend (after 8 years of relation). However, she had an internship overseas from January to October 2018 so we did not talk at all during that period. Afterwards, I started flirting with her when we would see each other during social events.
Now, here’s my problem:
Ever since Fall, I’m having some mental issues in that I’m totally unmotivated both in my PhD and in life in general (I used to run 5 times/week, read plenty of books, watch a ton of movies… not doing that for the last couple of months). I’ve grown quite indecisive and my “renowned” dry wit was suddenly gone. Reading this, I know this sounds like a depression, but that’s the strange part, I never felt depressed and still considered myself quite happy. I just wasn’t recognizing myself. And it’s the first time something like that happened to me.
Since I knew that something was off with me, I decided after thinking about it to stop pursuing her for a couple of weeks/months until I would 100% back to my old self. To reach that goal, I would go see a therapist.
But… right at that time, she asks me. And against my better judgment, I decided to jump into it without warning her about my issues. I told myself that maybe starting a new relationship with my crush could fix things so the therapy could wait. Of course, it did not fix anything. I was constantly sluggish with her. I did not initiate anything (she’s the one who first kissed me, she’s the one who initiated our first sexual intercourse…). I was really boring with her, never showing off my personality (not discussing my passion at all, not telling any jokes although I’ve always been a jokester…). I was really indecisive. None of these things ever happened to me before with a girl. The only thing that I felt I was good at with her was active listening. For a lack of better word, I was a total “beta” with her.
So, after two months of seeing each other, she ended it, stating that she saw me more as a friend.
Now, I don’t know whether our relationship would have worked or not if I was my old self. Maybe, Maybe not. Maybe I’m trying to put the blame for this failed relationship on my issues. I don’t know. And that’s the thing that is bugging me. That uncertainty about whether or not it could have worked. You know, when you have a crush, people tell you to not be afraid to ask her out, because if you do not, then you will regret it for many years (maybe even for lifetime). This is how I feel right now. I regret not having a chance to see her with my normal mind state.
You might say that I might not go back to my old self. And that’s true. But I’m feeling that I’m making progress. During the mid-part of my relationship, seeing that my issues were not improving, I started therapy. After a couple of weeks, I think I’m getting better. Unfortunately, it was too late for my relationship with her. I was dumb and I never told her anything about my issues during the time we were seeing each other. Only thing I told her about this is when she ended things. I told her that I understand her decision and that I know I have issues (never going in specifics as to what those issues are) and that I’m working on it.
So, I would like to try again in the future. I’m still not sure how. I’m doing NC to make sure that this is 100% what I want and to see how I’m going to go about it.