Hi guys,
I am writing here mainly cause this journey can sometimes be quite stresful and pretty lonely, so I would just like to share my story with the community and hopefully get some more advice or just words of encouragment.
My boyfriend (26) broke up with me (29) at the end of August. We have had problems for a while but I have slowly started recognising my patterns and issues and started seeing a therapist a couple weeks prior but it was too late.
I have always been a very happy person by myself. I have loved my life, I have enjoyed the small things what it has to offer, I was rarely a very negative person. I was a bit lonely at times but I would definitely not call myself a person that is looking for a relationship to fill their life and make them happy. With that being said, I never had much luck in love and until this relationship, I have always been single, situationships max. I had very low confidence when I was younger and later in my late 20s, when my confidence got much better, I just always ran into people in relationships 
So yeah, this was my first serious relationship and it showed.
We have been together for about 3 months, which were absolutely amazing, when our leases ended at the same time and we have decided to move into a new place together. I genuinely don’t think we rushed it, it felt right and we were in a good place. If it wasn’t for my inexperience and shitty dynamics, I genuinely think we would be fine now. The start was a bit rocky because neither one of us was used to living with another person for a while but we managed. However a month after our move in I started new job and it was a very stressful period in my life. I had a big impostor syndrome, I felt like I dont belong with my collegues, I suddenly had a completely different schedule which made me very tired and with little time for myself and the work was quite difficult. I went home crying every single day. My boyfriend was very supportive through this but I am sure it was not easy for him and often I was taking things out on him. Things at work got better within 2 months but by that time I was just so anxious about everything. I developed a strong anxious attachment, I felt unhappy about myself, I was increasingly more and more codependent. I stopped enjoying my hobbies, I always felt like I am just passing time for my partner to go home. I had these strong beliefs about certain things, that if we dont do them together, we are not a “proper” couple. All of this obviously pushed so much pressure on both me and my partner. Don’t get me wrong, about 60-70% of the time things were still amazing. We had a lot of fun, we had an amazing connection, we have so many good memories, we were talking kids names and future houses, sex was great. But the rest of the time, we had these repeating arguments. My boyfriend felt like he is never enough, I always look at just what he isn’t doing, I am trying to change who he is, I am upset no matter what he does for me because he doesn’t “want” to do it himself. Typical stuff. Not to mention, that my communication skills were awful. I started treating every argument as a war to win, not trying to find solutions as a team. And every small disagreement created such a panic in me that it was impossible to solve. He was trying to tell me, that things are not right and maybe I am feeling these things as well cause it is my first relationship, but I always got defensive and really offended.
In the end, after 10 months, 5 in living together, he came to me and said that even though he loves me so much, he needs to put himself first. That he doesn’t believe I am his future partner anymore, because he can’t believe when things will go really bad, I will be able to solve it with him, if I can’t solve the little things. That I am pushing him into someone who I want him to be, because I think that is what I want, but that he thinks I have no clue what I want. I obviously pleaded, begged, cried, said that I have already been working on it and ge is giving up on me. He believed he had given me many chances over the past few months and he just has to do this for the both of us. He still wants to do all the things we said we would together but it is not possible. I was devastated. But after a few days I realised that I feel a bit relieved. That I feel like I suddenly understand what was happening with us a bit more. I started reading the advice here, got the emails and I slowly saw that the dynamics between us drove us apart so badly. I felt guilty at first but I found a lot of compassion for myself eventually - I really did the best I could. I really didn’t have the self awarenes, skills, tools and experience in relationships to understand and do better.
In the end, we sat down and I agreed this is for the best. Despite me already trying in therapy, I admitted that knowing I might be pushing him away and causing a breakup put so much pressure on me that making changes was so much harder and stressful. And it is best if I do that outside of the relationship. That I really didn’t like my behaviors and before I change them I can’t be a good partner for anyone. Even though, I really hope it would be him in the future again.
At the beginning of the breakup he said he was devastated. He was really angry that he couldn’t make it work and make me see because he loves me so much. He said that he doesn’t think we are completely incompatible, but right now he knows what he doesn’t like but cannot be sure what is caused by my anxiety and insecurities and what is really me. But that the person he met at the beginning and fell in love with is not the person sitting infront of him right now. And I fully agree. He said never to say never, but he is not a person to date someone twice. However when we sat down later, he said he is purposefully telling me very little to not give me hope or on the other hand devastate me. But that he is glad he is seeing me already making positive changes and seeing things in a new light instead of turning the breakup into a complete hate towards him. He moved out and we started no contact, as we both kind of mutually agreed without specifically stating it that we need time and space.
I did 2 months of NC. During the time, I started really working on myself. Therapy. Books about attachments, self esteem, relationship skills. I lost weight. I re-learned how to drive. I reconnected with friends and family. I focused very much on who I really wanted to be - the person I used to be back when I was single and when we started dating. I started new hobbies, managed to beat my records in sports, I took time to dedicate to my old hobbies. I went on trips. I got praise at work and connected more with collegues. I started practicing gratitude and I absolutely love my life right now. I see how I am such a cool acomplished person, I am so proud of myself and of my life and I am so happy and grateful for everything I have. I became a calm, relaxed, secure person again. I did the worksheets and at the end, I really came to the conclusion that I want my partner in my life. He is such a wonderful person. I respect him so much, I love him as a partner, he was everything I could wish for. I am okey alone. I will be okey alone. Hell, eventually I will probably be okey even meeting someone new, even though now I absolutely abhor the thought because it feels so much like cheating to me internally because of all the love and warmth I still feel. So yeah, I would like to reconnect.
I reached out 3 days ago. Used the semi-direct approach. Told him I was working on myself a bit and that I would love to just catch up about what is new in his life but if he wasn’t comfortable to do that I woul’d understand. I felt so calm about it I almost shocked myself. I really expect more panic, but I went on my day, had some nice time with family and eventually saw he replied. He said he is glad I am doing well and that we can chat, no worries. We had a nice short interaction about how his work was, his hobbies we shared, talked about his recent trip. He was very warm, used emojis and the kind of familiar friendly tone I am used to, encouraged me about my driving which he used to help me with. Really pleasant exchange. However, he wasn’t asking me anything. He replied positively but didn’t continue with anything about myself - could have asked about work, it is publicly known that my company is in a tough spot now, but didn’t. Did not ask what car I am getting when I said I am about to buy one. You know, happy to reply and elaborate but now really initiating. I am keeping myself positive though. He replied. He opened the NC door haha. I understand that it must be possibly difficult for him still, he has defenses up, lot of different thoughts etc. Not sure if he even expected me to reach out. During NC he kept following me on instagram the whole time and has always been checking my stories. He is still in my steam family. He has kept photos of us together on his instagram profile. The weekend before I reached out was exactly 2 months from the breakup, our would be 1st anniversary and a wedding of his friend in his home country, all at the same day. I would assume that would not be an easy day. And once he got home in a few days after, he immediately deleted those photos of us. So yeah, maybe emotions are just all over the place right now. I am now giving the conversation a break and I will reach out with something more interesting I actually wanna talk about (shared hobbies and interests I actually wanna hear his opinion about because I am curious!). I am positive that the love and connection might still be there somewhere and now the person he absolutely adored is back and better. I have really grown and addressed our problems and I would love the happy ending. I am just so filled with love and adoration and care for this man. The whole time I couldn’t even be mad, which would probably help me a bit
Trying to reconcile has probably been so far the hardest thing I am ever gonna attempt in my life but it is worth it and I am willing to give it my best. As you can imagine though it is a tough and sometimes quite scary road, so I am just looking for some community. It is hard to find people who understand and don’t think that I am completely delusional or wasting my time.