Suggested Books for Self-improvement and reconciliation

not-your-ex
1

Hello. :slight_smile:

I’ve been reading a lot of books that involve self-help, relationship advice, and especially books about getting your ex back and maintaining a strong relationship. I was wondering if any of you had a list of books you could provide that I, and others, might want to read. During NC, I have found that reading books relative to my situation has helped me remain calm and learn things about myself that I wasn’t really aware of before. That’s what NC is about, right? Bettering ourselves, becoming stronger people so that no matter the outcome we are a happier us?

Here are some books that I have read lately: “Getting Back Together” and “We Love Each Other, But…” They are both upfront and honest about why relationships turn rocky and eventually end. Along with tons of real life accounts, lots of advice and steps to understanding and forgiving for the past “mistakes” our partners have made.

Another good book is, “Women Who Love Too Much” I recommend this one if you or your partner has had substance abuse problems, constant need to cause conflict in your relationship, etc. My relationship wasn’t relative to most of what was in the book, but there’s a “game” that I recognized that my ex and I were playing. “Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor” game. It explains it toward the back of the book. In the end, it is for the purpose of recovering and discovering that childhood circumstances and upbringing can lead to toxic and failing relationships. It is also for the purpose of identifying what your case may be and steps to recovering so that you can find real love and happiness for yourself.

2

Hey thanks for the book list!!
I haven’t read a lot of books because I was busy with school… But Kevin has recommended Relationship Rewind (you probably knew this already) by Ryan Rivers and Text Your Ex Back by Michael Fiore :slight_smile:

Also, I was watching the movie The Secret recently, and it helped me a ton to keep positive, maybe you could try :slight_smile:

3

Hey Sunshine,

I actually ordered relationship rewind, but cancelled it. I read from several reviews that it can end up being a scam. I’m not saying Kevin has anything to do with scamming people, but I have little money and I can’t have some company taking the liberty of taking money out when I haven’t purchased anything.
I will look into Text Your Ex Back, and I have read some of The Secret. I need to finish it! :slight_smile:

Thank you for the suggestions. Very much appreciated!

4

Great thread SL!

5

Thanks, Mordecai! I’m about to head to the bookstore in a bit. I’ll post more titles and subject matter here tonight. :slight_smile:

6

So, here’s some more books. I can’t wait to buy them!

The first one: The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong and Loving Marriage
by Susan Heitler, PH.D.

This book gives great examples of both everyday and intimate dialogue that benefits both partners. It said marriage in the title, but this can be for friends, girlfriends, etc. It is an eye opener on how to communicate appropriately with people.

This book also touches on how to help yourself when you’ve been hurt. It mentions 3 skill types for this: Self-soothing, Insight, and Reality Testing.
Quick summary of the 3 skill types:
Self-Soothing: don’t sit around punishing yourself for your partner’s bad mistake or behavior. They already hurt you, so why hurt yourself!? Instead, build yourself up, stay your attractive best…and your partner will be more likely to feel motivated to try to deserve you. (Hmm We’ve hear this before, EH!? :slight_smile: )

Insight: Find wisdom in every down moment. Learn to deal with what life hands you in an effective way. LEARN from what’s going on at the time so that it can make for a better future; whether that’s tomorrow or a month from now. This is a time for personal growth.

Reality testing: Self-soothing and insight by themselves can lead to a bad situation. Once you’ve been through self-soothing and insight, ask yourself, "What does the wrong doing committed say about your partner? Do you feel like there can be a strong and loving relationship? Does your mate understand the severity of their wrong doing? If not, then the situation is worse than just the wrong doing. If your partner is not empathizing; approaching it in a way that will benefit the relationship, then your partner lacks something. This could be emotional maturity, etc. If you and your partner are having constant “fouls”/major “fouls”, it is time to seek professional help.
This book has a lot in it that can really help with communication!! I recommend it highly.

The next book I really enjoyed was: "The Self-centered Marriage: Rebuilding your “We” by Reclaiming your “I” by Hal Edward Runkel (With Jenny Runkel)

This book asks you to focus on yourself and calm down, so that you can learn to embrace the natural changes and conflicts of marriage. A “formula” that is stressed in the book is: “Calm down, Grow up, Get closer, Repeat”
It gives great examples of what each step in the formula is and how it is used.
What’s great about this book is that “Intimacy starts with “I”” … that right there. lol I got a kick out of it. Maybe it’s because I’ve been really tired all day and everything is funny.

But yeah, it really touches on intimacy and how you must! have! intimacy! if it’s going to last. It coaches you on it, and I do believe there are exercises you can practice with in the book. I read a lot so forgive me if I am wrong. I haven’t bought them yet!

That’s it for now!

7

Tremendous… Thanks for sharing.

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Can you let me know who the authors of the first two are?

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I looked up “Getting back together” on Amazon but there is like 3 of them.