Sticky situation

reconciliation
1

Hello all, here is my story

2 months ago, after a 4 year relationship my girlfriend decided to end it. She states that she needs time and doesn’t know what she wants and she doesn’t find it fair to keep me this way on hold.
A bit of back story, this girl has always been by my side, trough and trough, be it good, or bad. Unfortunately, my family is a tough one and ethnical differences were a problem for my father, so she never got to meet my parents, due to previous negative experiences I had.Alltough I had some affairs, some serious. She would see me chatting up some girl and I would make something up on the moment. She eventually said that she wouldn’t have minded if I would have told her that it’s just a friend or such, and she was rather annoyed by secretive behaviour. Indeed, I was very secretive with my phone.

Last year I had a crossroads situation in my life and decided to put her on hold until I sorted out what I want in life, also she was going trough depression and just couldn’t helo her out of it. After about 2 months I took her back. She mentioned recently that she felt insecure about herself afterwards. After we got back together she was very supportive, and I finally got the job I always wanted.

This year tho, when I finally started working and having to face the harsh reality of adult life had a major impact on our relationship. The stress from the job, my bad habit of going around and later on an addiction made me shut down emotionally. I neglected the relationship and she felt like she isn’t being prioritised. She called me out on it but I always dodged these discussions with the excuse that I have enough on my mind, I don’t wanna talk about these things. We got to see each other once a week, and interaction was scarce, I was so numbed that all we did was just talk, have sex and go back to smoking and talking. I was lacking the drive to do anything together. I wasn’t sincere to her with my emotions as I was afraid to show my vulnerable side.

2 weeks prior to the breakup

2

Too many problems. Your family, your tendency to close up which indicates emotional immaturity, chatting up other women, putting your ex on hold, and an addiction of some sort.

It’s no wonder that your ex felt insecure and depressed. Sorry, but it sounds like you were not a good boyfriend. Maybe professional therapy would help you get you straightened out if you put in the time and determination to make changes and follow the advice of the therapist.

In the meantime, don’t meet up with her to have sex and talk. So far talking hasn’t solved anything.

Good luck.

3

We don’t meet up for sex and talking. We used to do that in the last part of our relationship as I didn’t have the initiative to do anything more meaningful. We used to have activities together before, but having a job really took up my time and my energy.

I admit, I wasn’t at all a good boyfriend and I admit my mistakes and really want to be a better person from now on.

As far as family goes, I confronted my parents after the breakup and made it very clear that I am not going to go by their wish anymore, as it caused me only pain. I always felt like I have to play by this rule because I always felt like I’m not good enough.

I came clean and haven’t touched weed in a while now and stopped talking to other girls. As far as emotional immaturity goes, yes, I was very immature, but I felt that she wouldn’t understand as she isn’t working yet, also the pressure was overwhelming and being treated like crap at work took it’s toll

4

It sounds like you’re striving to make improvements. I wish you luck…

5

Unfortunately the unfinished version of the story got moderated.

In this version it was omitted that 2 prior to our breakup I had a breakdown and I emptied all my frustrations on this girl, with name calling, accusations and I also told her that if she doesn’t like it, she can leave. I didn’t mean those things but I was under influence and had many bottled up emotions. During this conversation she said that she wanted and imagined a future with me, but it all drifted away as I drifted away from her by being distant.

2 days after our breakup I acted needy and I cried in front of her at an event, asking her to undo this situation, but she said that she would also like that but she is very upset that we got to this point.

We didn’t do NC as I thought that after neglecting her NC would make her feel like I really don’t care. We text daily, some days more, some days less. We also meet up near her home to chat but all my attempts to go somewhere with here are met with excuses. She still reaches out to me some days. When asked directly, she answered that she still cares a lot about me (with tears in her eyes) and that she still loves me (how can I not love you after 4 years?) also that she doesn’t exclude reconciliation. She was kind of frustrated that now I am open about my feelings and that I am willing to talk about our relationship and that I wasn’t willing to do that when we were together.

She also said that she is afraid we will get in the same situation so I assured her that I learnt from my mistakes and I am not going to repeat them, but she said that she is afraid that she will end up doing the same as before, but it was her reaction to how I acted. She stated that we are different, but I called BS on that, we wouldn’t have been together for 4 years if it was so, also different people complete each other out, but we never really did that in purpose.

I understand that I hurt her and that I broke her trust. I took responsibility in front of her for my actions, I told her I’m seeing a therapist and that I am realizing the reasons for acting bad. I am not secretive anymore with my phone.

She said that she isn’t feeling too well about herself, she is also entering final year in college with limited possibilities afterwards which makes her anxious about her future. She also stated that she doesn’t feel happy or confident and she wants stability and also that she felt not good enough when we were together. I told her that I would like to help her with that, I want to be the man she can rely on and be there for her. I confessed that I wanted to move alone and wanted to spend more time together doing nice stuff but I didn’t do it because substance was at arm’s reach where I live now. I am looking for a new place to stay and she told me to keep searching, I will find something nice eventually, I told her that I want the whole package.

Bottom line is that I realized that I didn’t take responsibility to grow up. It was a hard piece to chew for me as I was having a very easy going lifestyle during college and I wanted to keep the craze a bit more, but it ended up costing me much more than I ever thought it would. I took this girl for granted, thinking she will always be there for me but I ended up wasting precious time.

6

Wow, you mistreated her and now of course she doesn’t believe you will be different and better. Continue therapy, but realize it will take time for you to make solid improvements and for her to see that and trust you again…

Glad you stopped using weed as it can have a negative impact on your thoughts and actions.

If you stay clean from drug use, get a nice place to live, continue to be a good stable employee at your workplace, continue therapy and treat her very nicely then you might have a chance for reconciliation sometime in the future. You must want to be a better person and boyfriend and then make it happen!

Good luck…

7

She said that it takes time for changes to happen, I agree to that, but if she doesn’t grant me another chance I can’t really show her that I am a better boyfriend. 2 days ago she sent me some pictures from one of our trips, I don’t really know how to interpret this. I also realized I need to work on my communication skills and be more.

2 months have passed. She said that she doesn’t want to lose me but she knows that staying friends is not an option in my book. She said that she still doesn’t know what she wants. I asked her if she wanted to end it, just do so, as I am mature enough to respect her decision but she said that it not the case. I am kind of getting a taste of my own medicine.
I would just ask her to make up her her mind because a long time has passed already and this situation isn’t going anywhere really. Maybe the thought of an end would make her think about the situation and grant another chance?

If anyone here could help me with some advice how to rebuild trust that would be nice.

8

It’s only been 2 months since the breakup and that’s not enough time to prove you can be a better person and not treat her badly again. The best way to rebuild trust is not to pressure her into reuniting or ending it! Don’t give her an ultimatum! If you continue as a friend, you’ll get the opportunities to show her the good changes and improvements you’re making. Another thing you can do is not contact her everyday because right now her wounds are fresh and she will think more of the way you mistreated her. Give her a little space to allow the bad memories to fade a little and for the better memories to come to the forefront.

Maybe the reason she sent the pictures of one of your trips is because she was thinking of another time in the past when she was happy with you. But it doesn’t mean she wants to take you back as a boyfriend right away… You are going to have to be patient and more understanding of her feelings about her reluctance to want you back… Remember, you treated her poorly and she didn’t deserve that treatment.

Once in a while you could invite her to meet you for coffee, lunch, or dinner… it will give you the chance to have a nice conversation and show her how you’re changing…

9

A quick update:
Yesterday i proposed to go to an event and was met with “we shall see” and also with other plans. I asked her if she is avoiding me and explained that I feel like that because she is always rejecting going out somewhere else than near her place. She said that she doesn’t want me to think that if we go somewhere it will mean that it is 100% that we’ll get back together and she doesn’t want to make things more harder on me and to make ne suffer even more.

We started discussing and she said that she considers getting back together, but also that it hurts her that we had to break up and that things didn’t go as well as she would have wanted to. She also said that if I find someone else then go, she is not judging me. We ended up discussing that the breakup ended the vicious cycle that I got myself into and talked about feeling. I admitted again to being unavailable and taking her for granted and expressed my regret about it.

She said that our problems are solveable and that she isn’t considering our relationship not worthy to invest anymore. I responded that we need to work together and as a team we could solve our common and individual problems. She agreed to that but she kept her stance with being afraid that things will go the same. I told her that we need to take the responsibility for this and act accordingly, we both have to want to make stuff right, even if it takes time. She still kept her stance with being afraid. I don’t really know what could I do to keep proving her that I am really changing. Any advice?

10

It seems you’re not giving her any space to think about things. You’re moving too fast. Apparently she’s not ready to discuss reconciliation yet, so don’t pressure her.

Did you even read the message above that I wrote on the 11th?

11

I have read your message from 11. We managed to settle that we will go out this week, but sincerely I am starting to doubt it if I really want to go, also I have to leave town for most part of the week.
Is it a good idea to go to see that exposition or should I just not mention it again?
I haven’t contacted her at all for 2-3 days and she reached out to me daily. I was also busy and didn’t respond promptly and when I did respond, I did it kind of in a rush as I was busy with work. Somehow I saw that it made her talk more. I am wondering if she isn’t just tricking me into being friends after breakup even though I told her that is not an option in my book and she said that she doesn’t like that idea, but she respects my decision. I also thought about the eventuality of applying no contact, but I don’t really know if that would help or worsen the situation.
Any advice?

12

Don’t mention the exposition again. (When is it?) Go alone or with a friend if she doesn’t ask you about it.

She doesn’t want to be with you and you don’t want to be her friend… therefore you two are at a stale mate.

When she reaches out, is it just casual conversation? Did she ever give you a plan of possibly reuniting and what it would require to achieve it? If not, let her know you want no contact so you can process the breakup. Then go no contact, maybe she will reassess the situation. If you had accepted a (perhaps temporary) friendship, you would have had opportunities to show her your improvements in person. But as it is now, she has no reason to trust you and she’s thinking you will mistreat her again…

13

The exposition is on until the end of october.
Well she reaches out to ask about my day, how am I doing, we talk casual stuff usually. She never gave me a plan about reuniting, but she mentioned what bothered her and hurt her in our relationship. We never talked about temporary friendship, we just naturally kept talking. During this time we saw each other, I was away on trips and on holiday, I always brought a small symbolic gift, I also brought her a flower once just to brighten her day, which she appreciated.

She mentioned last friday that I am suffering. I am over suffering some time ago now, but maybe she thinks that I am acting the way I’m acting because I need her back to feel good about myself.

She had some exams at the end of the month but she didn’t go to any of those because she felt overwhelmed and she couldn’t prepare properly for them, also she said that she is not feeling good about herself. Maybe she is going trough depression of some sort.

Yesterday she reached out again after not contacting her, she was also more talkative and also sent me the good night message and hug we used to send each other, which she stopped sending after the breakup. Should I meet up and ask for no contact until she makes up her mind or just be more reserved and not contact her?

14

How many times have you seen her in person since the breakup 2 months ago?

“During this time we saw each other, I was away on trips and on holiday…” What does that mean? Are you two long distance from each other? Otherwise if you were away, how could you see her?

“She mentioned last friday that I am suffering. I am over suffering some time ago now, but maybe she thinks that I am acting the way I’m acting because I need her back to feel good about myself.” What?? Are you acting like you’re suffering (in person or through messages)?? If so, stop it!

You don’t need to meet up with her to ask for no contact.

15

We’ve met about 10 times since the breakup. We live in the same city.
Since the breakup I left town for hiking, also for a wedding at the seaside.
Before the breakup she mentioned that it’s okay for me to do stuff without her but not every single time and she was ticked that I never even said that I wish she would have been there with me. Having this in mind, I invited her on every ocasion but she always refused. Afterwards we would see eachother for a quick meetup.

Tomorrow I will leave town until Sunday and she mentioned that she would like to visit that place too, but I didn’t invite her this time. If she considered going to the exposition a bit awkward, then I don’t really see a point in inviting her.

As far as I’m concerned, I haven’t acted like I was suffering, but maybe she thinks that because I brought up reconciliation and that I talked about what went on in our relationship.

Since I stopped contacting her she started being more talkative and started sharing more about her day and all and she kept contacting me daily. Also, before the breakup when I had the mental breakdown and treated her bad I told her that I don’t like it that we don’t see each other that often, maybe she saw that as me being needy.

I was thinking to tell her to let’s just stop communication until she makes up her mind, and then she should contact me. I feel like she never really got to miss me fully after the breakup as we talked daily, this way maybe she would really see how it is if it’s really over. Is this a good idea?

16

“Before the breakup she mentioned that it’s okay for me to do stuff without her but not every single time and she was ticked that I never even said that I wish she would have been there with me.” A man, even in a relationship, should be free to do things and go places sometimes without the girlfriend! And it’s not really necessary to say you wished she had been with you! Sorry, but she sounds like a needy person. All she had to say when you returned from trips or events with family or friends etc…was I hope you had a nice time…

“Tomorrow I will leave town until Sunday and she mentioned that she would like to visit that place too, but I didn’t invite her this time.” Good, now that your split up, you don’t have to invite her anywhere and she shouldn’t expect that you would!!

“I was thinking to tell her to let’s just stop communication until she makes up her mind, and then she should contact me.” That sounds like an ultimatum and since this would be the first no contact, it would seem like you’re pressuring her too much. Just tell her you need no contact for a month or two in order to process the breakup. During this time, she might re-evaluate the situation and ask for a conversation about a possible reconciliation and what that would have to entail. But if after the no contact, she continues to talk about very casual things that have nothing to do with reuniting, then give the ultimatum.

That’s correct, she hasn’t had time to miss you…

17

As a side note. She mentioned the “you never even said I wish you were here” in the context of me not prioritising her. I went out with colleagues from work and never invited her to meet them. Also on the 8th of March I went out with people from work, even though she would have wanted to spend time with me, but she didn’t express that directly. She just asked me what am I doing the rest of the day after I brought her some flowers, but I got mad because I had my schedule full already with trips to give flowers to my mother and another girl I was seeing. Bad-bad, I know I really messed up that day…

18

You can’t give her an ultimatum that’s not the point of no contact. You definitely should do no contact.