Hi, my girlfriend/fiancé of 10 years broke up with me about a month ago. This is the only time we’ve ever broken up She said she’d been considering it for a while and that she wasn’t in love with me anymore, but she does still love me.
She was staying at her Dads due to lockdown and wanting some time apart, and after 5 days she ended it.
We had a lot of financial stuff to sort out which took us two weeks - we remained in contact during this time while we sorted it all. My Nan then died 2 weeks ago from the virus and I thought it only right to tell her, she was a part of her life for 10 years after all. We spoke about that and I planned to go into no contact afterwards.
This is when I started making mistakes; I’ve begged and pleaded for 2 weeks. I made several calls/texts/emails asking her to give me another chance, telling her how I was planning to make myself better and happier as an individual. She told me that ‘it’s (her feelings) not coming back’ and that even though she appreciates she may realise in time that she’s made a mistake, for now she doesn’t want to try again with me and needs space to heal.
I’m now 4 days into no contact and it’s not got any easier. All I can think about is when/if/how I can try and reconcile with her. I’m not checking up on her but she’s just there on my mind all the time, this is despite me starting running, picking up my guitar again and writing, going on solo walks, and binge watching shows I know have nothing to do with love and relationships.
What makes it so hard is that she’s in a different environment with no physical memories around her, while I’m waking up every day in the same room, same bed we’ve shared for years and also grieving my Nan.
What is the best route I can take to aim for reconciliation? I really don’t want to give up on 10 years of happiness and our future without at least a bit of a fight - but the right sort of fight, not begging and pleading again.
Context (Relationship): We’re both 27 and have been together for 10 years, engaged for 2. We understand each other very well and very rarely argue. Any time we do have a minor argument, we’re normally laughing it off half an hour later or the next day. We never stopped each other from doing anything, never got jealous, never interfered with each other’s plans with friends, but we always made sure we had time for each other. Our shared interests are travelling, cooking, animals, documentaries, and our unwavering support for each other. Our differences didn’t matter, they reminded us we were individuals working together to create something special. A flaw if I had to pick one? Sometimes we both close ourselves off a bit too much and communicate problems to our friends/families rather than each other.
Context (Break Up): Having been together so long she gave me a full explanation as to why she no longer felt she was in love with me. She said we drifted apart, that we weren’t talking like we used to, we’d got stuck in a routine and she felt like a child at times. I know where I went wrong in all this - I was smoking a lot of weed and it made me lazy and unwilling to go out and have fun (when we could), I was more interested in just sitting and watching TV with her than doing anything excited. I’ve been off weed since the day she left (it feels great and she knows this). I was very miserable with my job and brought this home with me a lot, it must have weighed heavily on her. She said we ‘went too slow’ - we were meant to move to Canada in July so hadn’t started planning the wedding. I thought this is what she wanted, but when breaking up she said she would have preferred to get married and settle down in the UK (but she never told me this prior to the breakup).
What I’ve done since breaking up a month ago (besides 2 weeks of begging):
- started exercising daily, mostly running to make myself feel better about myself both physically and emotionally.
- quit smoking weed. I’m not much more attentive and motivated in pretty much every aspect of my life (especially when concerning getting her back).
- bought a car; we used to share one which was hers and even though we’re currently locked down, I found a good deal and thought it worth getting while it was available.
- cut down on video game time. Sometimes when we weren’t just sitting watching TV I’d play video games and ignore her towards the end, so I’m limiting my weekly play time.
Please help me guys, I really believe this girl is the love of my life and I know exactly how to fix it, but I don’t know what I should do to try and get that chance to fix it. As time goes on I’m more and more convinced that I want to spend my life with her, it’s actually getting harder being without her and not easier (probably because I’m not clouded by weed brain anymore!). How long should I go NC before I apologise? I don’t want her to slip away from me.
Thanks for reading!