Hello everyone… I want to share my story, although it is a bit long… I hope some of you will read it and may be able to give some advice on how I should react from now on.
I was with my boyfriend for 1,5 years. I am 31 he is 40. We were very much in love and both loved each other equally, in fact, I think he loved me even more than I loved him (at least he always told me so). We were the loves of each other’s lives, and constantly told each other so. We got along amazingly, were the perfect match, and everyone who knew us said we were the dream couple, and everybody saw both of us as happiest as we’ve ever been.
Now to the bad stuff… I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for years, and he knew that when we got together. At first, it was not a problem for us… 4 months into dating he asked me to be in an official relationship and I agreed. He said I needed to trust him fully for this to work because he was ALL IN (for good, forever, etc). I said I would. Now, the reason I have trust issues has nothing to do with him, that’s due to other bad experiences in my life… but it constantly sickered into our relationship and I think after a while it really took a toll on him. He started to feel helpless, said that it seems our relationship is constantly hanging on a thin thread, and it’s destructive and he kept reminding me that this was the only prerequisite for us to be together, and it seems my mistrust for him was just getting worse… the problem is that last February I fell into a deep depression again but I didn’t acknowledge it until recently.
I started therapy again 1,5 months ago, and a week into my therapy he comes over and tells me he wants to break up!!! That was August 30. It was an absolute shock for me. I didn’t know how to handle it, I thought it was so unfair because I finally was ready to be proactive and work on myself. We talked for 24 hours and cried and professed our love for each other, and I never felt more loved by him than then. I hated myself at that moment, realized I never truly accepted his love. In therapy, I learned that it is due to my inability to truly love myself, that I cannot accept his love. It was a real eye-opener and I hated that I only realized too late. After those 24 hours of us talking, he went home saying he will sleep on it. He called the next morning saying that he wants to see that we can work it out. We also had a big 8-day long vacation planned coming up October 4 to Tuscany and he said he hopes we can work things out so we can still go on the trip together. The first week after the break up, we had little contact, he initiated but I kinda backed off a bit. I knew he was busy with work and it was the most stressful week of the year for him. This man always goes above and beyond for everyone, he is very loyal and always wants to ‘fix everything’ for everyone. So it was clear he wanted to ‘fix’ us as well. He told me he had given his all, and had nothing left to give. He did not know how to ‘fix’ me/us.
Two weeks after the breakup he still initiated phone calls. He became cold in them, though… said he feels it’s better to still have some space, and that he didn’t know what to think and that he was confused. One week later – he calls me crying that he thinks it’s best to not go on the vacation together and that I should give him up. I was in tears, and so was he. Constant professions of love, how I am ‘the one’, how he loves me so much and there’s no one like me for him. That we were the perfect match. But that we have foundational trust problems and that we have shown that we cannot be together right now. He said he feels terrible, his heart hurts, but he also knew he couldn’t continue the way we had been. So I went silent again for a few days. This time for longer.
A week later he called again and was crying hysterically - he loves me, misses me, misses us, sees me everywhere he goes, thinks of me all the time, he is impossible to be around for anyone, has balded more and greyed more in this short time, and cries his nights through. I cried with him and we both are miserable. I decided that I can’t do this anymore though - these constant phone calls where we both whine about how we love each other but can’t be together. It’s grotesque.
This week, he tried to call a few times, I ignored. I answered his call on Tuesday. He was crying again, said that weekends aren’t great anymore, that nothing makes sense. That he’s lonely, that he has nobody like me in his life. I was cold and just said ‘ok’ and ‘mh’, I did not cry with him this time, and I did not reciprocate his feelings. He was in a terrible condition and said how everything sucks and this was the worst phone call ever. I told him I had to go. He called again last night. Same thing. He misses me, misses us, loves me endlessly and that I am the most wonderful person ever, that we met is a chance of one in a billion and that he is sorry that “he could not deal with our issues”. I said that it does not make me feel any better to hear this over and over again and that this is not helping me to move on from him. He cried and said “Fine, forget that I even called” – I could tell he expected a different reaction from me. I ended the phone call then.
This is where I am at. I feel like I did put my foot down now. Since the break up 1 month ago, I have had many therapy sessions, I have reorganized/redesigned/refurnished my apartment, I have spent two full days at the spa, I joined a fitness club and go to workouts, yoga and pilates 5 times a week, and I am noticing changes in the way I feel and perceive things. I feel I am finally working on myself for me, and that’s a really good feeling. I still have trouble truly loving myself, but I know I will get there. Meanwhile, I can tell he knows he made a mistake but due to his stubbornness, he cannot just go back now, he knows he’s fucked up a pretty good thing just because he was weak. And he’s been working and dwelling in his misery… drinking alcohol alone at home and not doing anything good for himself.
I actually have been doing things that people are supposed to do during NO CONTACT, even though I have had contact with him in the past month. I feel I have come so much further in one month than in the whole past year. Of course, I wish he would have stood by my side this past month, but this break up has really shown me that I needed to acknowledge that my depression came back and that I really needed to address it. (My main problem is that I can’t really find out what I wanna do career-wise, so this has been giving me identity issues for several years now). The relationship was great for me and it distracted me from the fact that I had to focus on some basic things for ME. That also meant I put too much pressure on the relationship, and couldn’t enjoy it in a relaxed way. I think this also subconsciously damanged our love.
Of course I want him back, and I know deep in my heart he will be back. But I also know it will take some time, it needs to take time, for change to be visible, on both sides. It is hard to be so harsh to him on the phone, but I also think he needs to hear it. And I feel really lonely, also. I don’t have much of a support system where I live and I often get sad and lonely (I live in his country away from family and friends, but we do live in different cities). And I miss him so so much. And I know he feels the same way, but I cannot keep crying with him on the phone and not get to a solution. He needs to figure this out for himself just like I have. I suppose men take a bit longer for this, I don’t know.
I truly believe we are supposed to be together, but I also know that we can’t go back to the way things were. This relationship is not broken completely, it had some issues that were personal on both sides, me with my inability to love myself, and him unable to deal with my lack of trust. Our issues were not things one cannot fix, and the love was so big that I know it can work again in the future.
Anyway, I really struggle with the missing part and I cry every day about it. I can hardly find anything to distract me from it because I am actually able to function (like do my work and do all my daily chores) whilst also at the same time crying like crazy. I was in my yoga class this morning and I cried cried cried all the way through it.
He will go on our vacation that we planned for us coming Thursday. He will go alone… it was too late to cancel. He actually said on the phone a few days ago that he was still looking for places that he could take me to, while we are there… and that he is so sad that it won’t happen now. He cried, saying he doesn’t really wanna go, and is not looking forward to it at all, because it was not supposed to happen like this.
He does not know that I now have booked a little trip for myself… Coming Friday I will go to Paris for 5 days. I have never been, so I am excited. I booked a really cute Airbnb and can’t wait to just walk around all day and see the beauty of the city… all the while he will sit in the romantic cabin I picked for us, staring into the mountains and wishing I was there with him…
Anyway, that’s where I am at. I am really sad and lonely and I wish someone has some nice words for me… is there any way I can make this situation easier? Do you think I should go completely No Contact? As I said, I stopped reciprocating his whining sine Monday and will not initiate any form of contact anymore. But I do not know how to react when he calls me.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you in advance.
The only solace I have is that I know he misses me too and that he is also in pain and that he loves me… But I just want to be with him.