Should I reset No Contact?

[patricia12]

@soupcat Her liking your posts is a trivial thing and doesn’t mean much - when you stop and think about it. Lots of people like posts. And yes, if she really wanted to get back together, she would have tried to work things out with you. Since she broke up with you, she’s had a boyfriend, and now a girlfriend (by the sound of it - lack of pronouns) and it’s unkind to even tell you about them!

I don’t remember you mentioning she is bi-sexual! That alone would make most men run! A friendship might be accepted, but certainly not a romantic relationship! Yes, it seems she’s feeding you breadcrumbs and there’s no need to respond to her last message. I know you’ve invested a lot of time (years) with her, but you need to think about your future happiness over the long term… Maybe it’s best to try and find a suitable partner who doesn’t have so many issues.

[soupcat]

Hey @patricia

Been a while. I found out the guy she was seeing wasn’t a girl. Just some guy. She texted me about how he gets upset whenever she talks to him about me and the relationship we had. She wanted to know how I deal with “having had such a long relationship”.
I got upset at her for asking me for dating advice. She said “sorry you felt so attacked”.
We had a video call after that to clear things out because I felt there was a bit of miscommunication.

During the video call she called the new guy her boyfriend and I asked her why she said “we used to be so cute”. She said “It was the peak of our relationship and I guess I’m sad that I’ll never have that back”.
I asked if she’d want it back and she looked away from the camera and said “I don’t think I do.” I told her that it’s stringing me along and she can’t do that. She apologized.

We talked about some other things but whatever. I’m trying to use this as a way of closure but my brain is still playing tricks on me.
She kept sending me messages congratulating me on how well my comics are doing and how she keeps seeing them on the frontpage of reddit. How she’s happy I’m doing well. At some point she sent a message about a cake she made and a day later I told her we should stop talking.
How it’s unhealthy and becoming toxic.

Our last exchange went like this:

- Hey I appreciate the compliments but I’ve noticed these sporadic messages you sent are becoming kind of toxic. So maybe it’s for the best we cut it out.

• Ok
• Is it anything specific ive said or you just dont want to talk to me anymore period?
• No it’s nothing specific. It’s just the breadcrumbs are not healthy.

I still regret making this decision and wished I just kept talking to her but my grief was too strong. This was May 14th so about half a year ago and it feels like everyday is harder than the next.
I have notifications on messenger on mute, but keep checking in if she said anything.
I have her disabled on Facebook (we’re still “friends” but she doesn’t show up on my feed), but I keep looking at her profile.
I have her muted on Instagram so I don’t see her posts or stories, but I still check in on her account manually.
I have her entire family and everything related to her disabled to show up, but I still go and look it up. I feel like an addict.

Every story I post on Instagram I check if she has seen it and she always looks at them. She has liked a few of my comics so I stopped posting them. I can’t focus at work, I’m obsessed with looking for signs. I am waiting for her to post on social media about her new boyfriend, making it official but she doesn’t (she tagged him in one of her stories).

I am in a toxic relationship with a girl now that I have been seeing since March. We were dating casually and when things got rocky I tried to break it off, but she didn’t accept that. I have blocked this girl recently to really stop seeing her but she came out for drinks with my friends (she became friends with my friends) and we reconciled that night for the third time. She knows about my ex and my problems I have with it and even though she doesn’t like it, she accepts it.
She’s gorgeous, fun, adventurous, intelligent, extroverted, financially independent. Basically everything my ex isn’t. I am trying to love her but I can’t.
We went to Italy for 12 days together and it was a lot of fun and something I never got to do with my ex. This makes me feel sad.

So yeah there’s your update. I think I’m going to be fucked up for a long time. I’m on the brink of texting my ex asking her to take me back every day. I have typed messages I want to send to her but I never do.

I try to not talk about her to my friends about this so whenever someone asks about it, I end up in a tirade about it.

Bye thanks

[patricia12]

@soupcat OMG! You jump from one toxic relationship to another… You have to stop!! And quit talking about your ex with your friends as I’m sure they are sick and tired of it and that’s no way to treat them. Is this the way you want to waste your time and life by agonizing over someone who doesn’t honestly care about you anymore? Stop torturing yourself by checking her social media and looking at yours for “signs” that mean nothing. Take it day by day and before you know it, this terrible “habit” will fade away and you can spend your time doing productive things:)

You definitely need counseling by a professional! Please seek out the help you so desperately need!

I know this advice seems tough, but you have to muster up the strength you need to do what you know in your heart to be the right thing for your own mental health and well-being in the long run… Cut all contact with both girls… And when you’re in a good state of mind, start dating, but watch out for red flags early on and thereby avoid the heartache and drama that you’re been experiencing.

[soupcat]

@patricia12 I have broken off with the girl. There was again a disagreement about how much I cared for her and I said “this was it”. She came to my house and called me over and over. I just ignored everything and decided that this needs to stop. I have been engaging in toxic behavior (I still am) but every day is a bit better than the other. One day this will stop and I’m doing my best.

I’m still on dating apps but only as a form to talk to people that are outside of my friend group (who I personally think don’t even understand what I’m going through and give horrible advice). They’re not entirely sick of it, they just don’t know how I feel because I’m always having a good time and laughing and dating girls. So they think I’m over it.
I have no intention to date girls anymore (or not even casual sex) for a long time. I’ve had enough drama this year and I think it’s time to date myself for a bit. I feel horrible for the girl and the way I treated her. I wished she had stronger boundaries and me too.

I have stopped going on my ex her social media (2 weeks and counting). I’ve also stopped looking at my stories to see if she checked in on me.

My ex reached out again last Sunday after 6 months of no contact (which is triggering this post now). She asked:

"Hey, i would like to stay in some kind of touch if possible, but if you dont want this then i understand, let me know"

I got anxiety and started going on Discord channels asking what to say and one channel from Magnet of Success suggested I say “Hey, let’s keep no contact unless it’s an emergency or important please”. Which I did.

I wanted to ask her “why” I wanted to ask her “whats up” I wanted to know what triggered this. I wanted to tell her she doesnt deserve me after all shes done. But I waited 24 hours and just kept my cool.

I dont’t know how things are going to go. I feel myself relapsing again, checking her Spotify for activity (she has a new “Sad” playlist), talking about her to everyone again. But I hope this feeling will pass.

Maybe one day I will block her and I will finally move on.

[patricia12]

@soupcat I’m assuming the girl your broke off with is the one your dated after your ex and went to Italy with… (?). Talking excessively about troubles with your ex to anyone can be exhausting and depressing for most people listening to you. Therefore, I suggest you keep it to a minimum. You’re not hiding your sadness if you say things that are more positive/upbeat because that’s part of who you are - you have a joyful/grateful side too, right? Grateful for blessings in your life that have nothing to do with girls. I’m not sure if you feel badly for the way your treated your ex, the other girl, or maybe both! Try your best not to stalk Spotify or other social media. And I think you have a good plan for the remainder of the year to focus on yourself!

I suggest you NOT date just to get sex, but date someone a few times and evaluate whether that person is a good match and mentally stable before you go into a relationship… You did treat your ex badly at times, but you attributed it to stress with your job. You must learn to separate work from other parts of your life and people!! It seems your ex is a nice person, but maybe with some psychological problems that need working through… over time maybe all will be better with you and her, but since she’s so far away, it might be best to get yourself together mentally and then start dating in 2022.

Actually, since your ex reached out to you after 6 months of no contact, maybe you could get in touch with her after the holidays and ask her all the questions you wanted to recently. And at that time, if you think she hasn’t made any progress in her confused thinking patterns, then block her and move on for good.

I’m so sorry all this has happened to you! I pray for the best outcome for you whatever that might be!

PS: How is your career going??

[patricia12]

@soupcat How’s it going??

[soupcat]

@patricia12

Hey.

To answer your previous post. Yes, this is the girl I went to Italy with. I have basically been in an on / off rebound relationship with her for almost 8 months (I started seeing her in April). She’s really pretty, Polish, vegan, and fun to hang out with and my friends love her. It’s an absolute disaster because I don’t want her as my girlfriend. She feels like a repetition of my previous relationship (different attachment styles, being with each other just to not be alone,…) and she is also not what I’m looking for in a girl. I first started dating her because I thought we had a lot in common and I could feel myself falling in love with her and I said this to her (“I think Im falling in love with you”).
She came out of a very abusive relationship and I think she was also falling in love with me. I mean I was being very respectful and nice and genuine, something she was clearly missing in her previous relationship and we clicked on a spiritual level.

But now it has just turned into a disgusting, toxic mess that I have created. I invited her for New Years eve because she doesn’t know anyone in this city and would be all alone.
We ended up shopping together for food for the party (we had a few friends over, all vaccinated and tested negative) and cooking together. We slept with other again. I initiated sex with her. Honestly she hates me and tells me that she doesn’t deserve this treatment. But she keeps reaching out to me at the same time. It’s a very frustrating situation and I want it to end.

She is now getting close with my sister (she was there at new years eve) and are hanging out together. I don’t know what she’s playing at but I told her last week again that we cant see each other anymore and that I went out with other girls (I went on 2 dates with 2 different girls over the holidays).

So that’s the situation with her. I’m going to try to just not see her anymore ever again. I haven’t seen her since the start of the year and I’m going to keep it that way. I think as long as I don’t physically be around her, it can work to let her go. Last time I tried blocking her she became extremely erratic.

But now for some good news! My work/career is actually doing really well.
Besides my comics slowly getting followers on Instagram and getting a lot of positive feedback. I’m now officially self employed with a VAT number and have my own Motion Design business. Money is consistent and I got to buy a new laptop and everything for the company and clients are happy. I’m keeping up with my own expenses, talking to my accountant and scheduling my tasks.
I get to pick my own hours and work from my home office. I’m doing a pitch next Wednesday to apply for some extra funding. Hope it goes well! (I should be working on the presentation now haha). All my friends are very supportive and keep find work for me to do on top and I love doing it.
I’m also focusing on my comics a lot, trying to make that a side business. I have a Patreon (like a crowdfunding website) and people are donating money and buying my shirts.

Honestly, these comics are the one thing that I have done consistently since the break up and have been my therapy. My anchor, my rock. Its the one thing that I know no one can judge me on and that I do for myself. It started out as a way to get my ex back but now it has transformed into a community with other webcomic artist and I’m learning so much because of them. And yes, I still see my ex looking at the stories I post of these comics.

I started stalking her again on social media. Trying to find any sign of activity. She’s very inactive on social media so I have no idea what she’s up to. She posted a few pictures of a cat, I think she has a new cat. I heard from mutual friends its getting serious with her new boyfriend, but I see no “in a relationship” status on Facebook. She tagged a guy in one of her stories last year, I think it’s her boyfriend, I have no idea honestly. But this guy is still on single status on Facebook. She also posted something on Facebook about looking for a flat. She didn’t specify that it’s for a couple and the price she posted is really low, it doesn’t really feel like she’s moving in with the guy. I have no idea what is happening, and its for the best and I should stop analyzing and stalking.

I guess I just miss her so, and I’m so used to her being in my life after 7 years, it feels fucking strange. I keep thinking about how I asked her to marry me. I was a guy who was always against this system. When I was a 20 year old I believed marriage was just a piece of paper that was an institute of patriarchy. And then I found this girl and I just wanted to spend my whole life with her. I wanted her to know that.

I want to text her every day. Every minute of the hour I have to hold myself back from sending her a message. When she sent me that message of wanting to stay in touch it gave me a whole bunch of hope again. It is spooking in my head like a ghost. “She wants to stay in touch, she still loves me, she wants me back but doesn’t know how to say it, she misses me”
All these toxic thoughts.

I am swiping on these apps looking for her. Someone that can replace her. Someone so amazing that I will completely forget about her. But I’m very sure that this person does not exist at this point and that I am not ready for them. I went out with a beautifully intelligent girl a few weeks back. Everything I always wanted. And I feel nothing. I have talked to dozens of women through these apps and went out with most of them. They all fall head over heals in love with me. They start sending me hearts and can’t wait to see me again. I just get uncomfortable and avoidant and just shut them down.

My roommate so far has proven to be an amazing human in all this. I cooked him a nice meal last night because he’s been a great distraction and I can talk to him about anything. He knows how I feel but I stopped bringing her up out of respect for him. He’s in quarantine now so we get to spend a little more time together. He has actually gotten a girlfriend recently that I kind of helped him with. I have gotten so good at dating that I gave him some pointers and now he has find a beautiful intelligent girl and they’re in love. She is very sweet and I get to talk to her a bit about my issues. I keep it in moderation, don’t worry.

Our birthdays are coming up. Mine is next week Friday. Hers is one month after that. I think after those two dates I might send a message checking in with her what’s up. Hopefully I will have moved on by then and don’t feel the need for it anymore. But I doubt it.

That is how its going. Ups and downs. 1 step forward 2 back.
I have saved up enough money now to find myself a good therapist this time and get a drivers license.

[patricia12]

@soupcat I think you invited her for New Year’s Eve because you knew you could get sex from her and you did. Her not knowing anyone in the city or being alone for the holiday is NOT a good reason for inviting a toxic situation back into your life! She is correct… she doesn’t deserve to be treated like a sex toy. It’s as if you’re leading her on and maybe she keeps reaching out because she thinks you will start caring more. Last week you told her you can’t see each other anymore so now you have to be strong/firm about that and not see her again under any circumstances!!

Get some self control and stop stalking your ex. I know it’s hard to let go because of the years you spent together, but you also said it was a toxic relationship, so why continue to torture yourself with random thoughts and stalking?? What possible good can come of it?

You say you’ve gone out with dozens of girls… In my opinion, I don’t think you’re in the proper frame of mind to date!! First you need to get rid of your obsession with your ex and start seeing other women as individuals, not sex object. It seems you’re a playboy serial dater type. Get control of your emotions and place your focus more on your career before you start dating again!! If that means no dating for several months, so be it. Then start dating slowly (one at a time) and take some time to assess the situation as to whether you would be a good match.

Congratulations on your comics budding success and Motion Design business:) I pray you continue to do well with your endeavors!!

Glad you have a good roommate:) You say he’s in quarantine, so I guess that means he tested positive for covid. Are you taking precaution? It’s nice you helped him find a nice girlfriend too…

Early Happy Birthday wishes for your upcoming birthday on Friday! When you say “Hers is one month after that” … are you referring to the ex you’ve been stalking?

You have to stop talking to people about your relationship woes!! When you talk about them over & over, most people will get exhausted/frustrated. Talking with the therapist is the proper time to express anything that’s bothering you. And this forum of course…

Glad you saved enough money to hire a good therapist:) And hope you’ll be able to get a driver’s license and a good car too:)

[soupcat]

I texted my ex last night when I was very drunk.

Its been almost a year since that last message she send about wanting to stay in touch. I was getting really good at not wanting to text her, but I still stalked her on social media.

I have almost completely stopped dating. Sadly enough I did see that poor girl I mistreated one more time this summer. One of my friends is still in touch with her and he keeps asking her out (which I told him is a stupid idea). She came out one time to a party in a club where I was with him. All of us did mdma and I ended up at her place in her bed. The next day on the come down I realized how stupid I was. I apologized and we haven’t spoken since then (this is a few months ago. I hope she’s okay but I probably severely damaged this girl and I am not proud of it. My karma took a severe hit with this. Worst chapter of my dating life.

I have moved into my own place because my friend decided to move in with his girlfriend. I’m very happy for him and it’s nice to be back on my own. I get some more privacy and space to think. Focus on myself for real this time.

There was a moment this summer where my ex was visiting a friend in town. This was very upsetting actually because we were still not talking. I spiraled a bit out of control that week. It’s so bizarre to know she was back in the country and I didn’t see her.

However, I did meet someone that shifted my perception a bit. There was an evening where I went out with my friends and I met a Swedish girl. She was very pretty and smart and a nice accent. We ended up kissing and she said things how hot I am etc.
I don’t know what happened but I actually felt myself falling in love. It was a feeling I haven’t felt since I was with my ex. This kind of made me realize there is some hope for me perhaps. That I could love someone else.
Sadly enough it turned out this girl has a boyfriend back in Sweden so I was not able to continue seeing her. It was sad to find this out and that I was involved with cheating, but there is not a lot I can do about it. So I’m letting it rest. I’m happy that I was able to feel something again.

I had a really fun summer with my friends, lots of partying and festivals. It feels like the country finally recovering from the Covid craze.

I don’t know why I actually texted my ex last night. I’ve thought a lot about it but for some reason I was stupid enough to actually press send this time.

We ended up talking today a bit. She seems to want to keep the conversation going a lot. She’d say something and I wouldn’t respond for hours and she’d send follow up texts. She asks things like “does this mean we’re talking again” which I would ignore.
She mentioned that I appeared in a dream of hers which made her think of me lately and how I’m doing.

I am slowly realizing that we’re not at the same wavelength as we used to and that this is not the right person for me as a girlfriend. But this could be a form of denial.
I guess I’m just so used to her being in my life it’s weird for her to not be there.

Anyway yeah, that was it kind of. A lot more drama happened with girls but I will spare you the details. I’m not actively dating. I still to girls on these apps but it’s mainly out of boredom and distraction.
It’s going to take some time for me to actually be ready to be in a relationship again. I’m currently pretty happy being single. I like the freedom.

Thanks for reading. I hope you’re well.

[patricia12]

As time goes by you’ll come to understand what is in your best interest and who might be a suitable for a good relationship… How’s the business and did you get your driver license yet? Glad you found your own apartment:) Take good care…