I’m sorry this is so long, I would love some input on my situation. My ex-partner and I are both 28, were together for six years (in three cities), lived together for five years, and broke up 3.5 weeks ago. Our connection was extremely strong and we’re very compatible in terms of lifestyle/values/work/family, but we were both immature early in our relationship and held on to some pretty bad resentment we never really got past. He was impulsive and emotionally inexpressive, I didn’t trust his judgement, I was insecure, controlling, and emotionally over-expressive in ways that overwhelmed him. I wanted every problem addressed immediately and he was avoidant. We had a lot of bad fights in which I threatened to break up with him and a pattern of “recovering” from them too fast and swinging wildly toward planning our wedding. He never ever made these threats. We were always “working on” these issues but never made fast enough progress to satisfy either of us.
Six weeks ago he told me he thought we needed to “break the cycle”. I asked for a second chance and he agreed to “try” for a short time, but he continued requesting more space and I continued saying no. I did start seeing a therapist and digging through what I’d done to us, but it was too late. About a month ago he actually broke up with me and left for a last-minute trip. A couple days later I sent him a long letter about what I did wrong, why I loved him, and how sorry I was. He said he really respected this but still needed the breakup to be real, but that maybe when he got home we could meet with our therapist. A few days later we talked on the phone to “check in” and he sounded very different, told me he feels “much better” and that he isn’t going to want to get back together. I cried but didn’t get angry or beg, said I understood and asked for no contact until we are both back in our city in a few weeks. I also said that I wasn’t going to be in a hurry to move out of our apartment immediately, which he said was fine. That was the last time we had any contact, and it was two weeks ago. We haven’t seen each other since the breakup since we both arranged to be traveling and not home at the same time.
I got back home today, and he will be home in a week. I’m still in shock, but I’ve learned so much about myself, reconnected with a lot of friends and family. I still really badly want to try this again and want to do everything right to create as wide an opening for that as possible. I’m debating between:
a) moving out of our apartment (temporarily with my parents out of our city) fully this weekend before he comes home
and b) packing up my stuff, finding a new place this week, and leaving to visit my parents so I’m not here when he gets back, but not actually moving my stuff out until Dec 1 when I can get my own place.
Option A might be better because it gives him more space + he’s more likely to miss me if my stuff is gone. But I’m worried that if I actually leave before we talk, it will create inertia on the side of not-talking at all and he won’t get to see how much I’ve changed. I know he will want to dig in his heels having finally come to the decision to break up and told people about it, so I’m wondering if option B might be better since it will create a natural opportunity for us to see each other depending on how our initial contact goes. I’m probably being overly optimistic, but I also wonder if he might have planned to reconsider the relationship upon his return since I told him I wouldn’t be moving out right away. I do think moving out (temporarily) is the right call even if we do get back together since we clearly need to cultivate more independence than we had before, so I’m not trying to get out of moving. Thoughts?