My girlfriend and I were together for about 2 years. Our relationship was really good, we used to get along and sex was great. We usually didn’t fight, and when we did we were able to fix things with ease. I respected her and valued her so much. There was a lot of confidence and I wasn’t jealous, controlling or possessive (she neither).
We met while we were in college. I graduated about six months before our break up and I started to think what should I do and about my goals in life. I told her that I was thinking to go abroad and look for a job. Later, I decided that I want to try building my own company and I started working on that for months, she was really supportive. Later on, things didn’t go as expected and I could not make my company idea a reality. A lot of times I told her about my dream job abroad. She always pushed me to apply but I was scared and didn’t do it. Things were going well in our relationship, we traveled a couple of times and it was amazing.
The last 3 weeks that we were together things started to get bad. I have to admit that I was kind of lost and was not sure about what do I want to do with my career. I think that affected my focus and the relationship became boring. The week of our break up I felt that she wasn’t as loving and caring as she used to be. I went ahead and asked her about it. She told me, between tears, that she was confused and that she think that maybe she was starting to get bored. Listening to those words hit me in the gut. I tried to act calmly and told her that I was happy that she had told me and that she shouldn’t feel bad. I told her that we can’t control what we feel. She told me that she felt so relief after telling me. The next day we were with some friends and everything was fine, but when they leave I let my emotions control me and couldn’t hide my sadness. My eyes were wet and she noticed and was concerned. The day after that we went outside the city with some of her friends and we spend a good day. I slept at her house and we had sex before going to sleep and in the morning again. The next day, I remember what she had told me and let my emotions control me again. This time was bad, I told her I was really sad and scared that she will never feel the same for me. She told me that the last days she felt good with me. In my sadness I told her that it will be better if we talked the next day. She probably stayed all night thinking about us and took the decision to break up.
The next day I woke up motivated, I was decided to fix things but I do had the feeling that she was going to break up with me. I bought her some chocolates and went to pick her up in my car. I hided the chocolates under her seat and I decided that I will tried to fix things first and then I will gave her the chocolates to marked a new beginning. She was cold and serious, she told me that she was decided to break up. That it was the best decision to avoid any of us getting hurt. We cried and hug. I gave her the chocolates and told her goodbye. She asked me to let her know when I get home so she knows that I got there safe. The next day I was destroyed. I was feeling that my life was falling apart. I wrote her a letter telling her how much I loved her and also the things I loved about her that I had never told her. I had borrow a cellphone from her so I asked if I could go to her house to give it back. I went there just as an excused to talk and give her the letter. I was so out of myself that I tried to talk her out of her decision, I cried, begged and pledged. She asked me to please not make it harder for her. She told me that she loved me but that she wasn’t sure if she was in loved with me anymore.
I told her that she was right and apologized for trying to change her mind. I gave her the letter and leaved. Then next day I started NC, I did really good until a week after our break up. I started looking for jobs and find one that she told me that she could help me get. I didn’t hold myself and text her. I asked her if she still could help me with that job application. She told me that she would have to ask, but she was so cold and cutting, that I told her not to worry about it and I ended the conversation. I didn’t mention anything about our break up and didn’t beg or pledge.
It has been 23 days since that last contact (about 30 since the break up). I have to admit that the break up open my eyes and I started searching jobs. I applied to that dream job abroad (and got a rejection). I started running and biking, I have been hitting the gym in the mornings. I’m applying for jobs (it has been hard to pass the first filters due to my lack of working experience). I’m even trying to launch my company idea again. I’m feeling way better than the first weeks. But I have to accept that I still miss her and feel that the break up was a mistake, at least at that time. I think we could have make it work. I wish I have opened my eyes before loosing her. I think the best thing will be to stick to NC, I feel that I have to respect her decision. I’m not really active on social media but she has been watching all my instagram stories. Last weekend I posted a photo of myself and she liked it. I know it probably doesn’t mean anything. But I’m not being able to let go hope and I’m scared to crash with reality when she finds someone else. I will love to hear some advice and support. I’m sorry if there are grammar mistakes, but English is not my main language.