I made a post a few days ago but it appears it is still under moderation. I am a first time poster and I’m not sure how long moderation takes but just incase it’s been denied I’m going to make a post that better follows guidelines. Apologies in advance, and I’ll try to keep this short.
Me and my ex were LDR for 8 months. We met up once in real life at month 6, and it was the best time of both of our lives. Broke up because he was unhappy with the lack of connection and face-to-face video calling (I have body dysmorphia, I had a hard time doing it.).
At first he wanted to not talk to me again so he could move on. I respected his wishes, and didn’t plan on talking to him again. However, only 4 days later, he came back to me and apologized, saying he still wanted to be my friend because he cared about me. I told him no, because I was still hurting. He handled it gracefully and left me alone.
I found out he got a girlfriend (who shows every single telltale sound of a rebound). I got mad, messaged him about it. Big mistake, but he forgave me after I realized it was rude of me to do so when we’re not together. Stopped talking again. I mostly panicked because she goes to his university, and I was deathly afraid of him forgetting about me since she’s in a physical relationship with him.
His birthday came around, I wished him a happy birthday. We both got emotional, he was intoxicated, he felt really bad. Decided to stop talking. Told me the next morning “I still miss you horribly, so we can’t keep talking like that. It sets me back.”
I didn’t talk to him again until I found out he did something to betray my trust (it’s hard to explain and a long story.) a while back, so I messaged him again in tears. He felt really bad about it, and talked with me for 3 days because he knew he did something really bad. The first day we talked about the incident and forgave each other. The second day we kind of both broke down emotionally, mostly him. He told me he still had dreams about me and that we were still together in them, he told me he was still crazy in love with me, he told me he missed me so much it hurt. But he started panicking, telling me “I don’t want to mess up with this new girl, I really like her.” I think I gained the patience and willpower from some being above, because even though it felt like a gunshot to the heart, I told him “I’m glad you’re happy with her.” And I’m glad I didn’t freak out. The last thing he said before he went to bed was “I love you.” And the last day, he said he made a lot of mistakes and set me back in moving on, and he said he was sorry. He also told me “Distance was the downfall of our relationship” even though I’m skeptical of it being an actual reason. We aren’t able to move in together for 5 years or more due to education, but the entire 8 months we were together we were so happy and didn’t care about the distance, and felt like the one time we met up was so happy. I wanted to fight tooth and nail to have that experience with him again and again, until we eventually could be together in real life. I think he felt the same, but told me “it’s a moneysink” even though every single time we brought it up while we were together, he said “I don’t care, I’m willing to pay whatever to see you again”. So even though it makes me panicked, I don’t think he really believes it. I always let him know I still love him and if he ever wants to come back, he can, but I don’t want to sit around and wither away waiting for him. I think this was a mistake on my part, but we were just always honest and he thinks nothing bad of me and never has.
We only had casual conversation a few times past that blowup, until yesterday, when I made what I hoped wasn’t a mistake, but only blew up because a mutual friend made it worse. We have a mutual chatroom on the app discord, where we both talk a crazy amount. He started talking about his girlfriend a lot, and what felt like it was only when I was talking in chat and it was usually out of absolutely nowhere. I didn’t want to demonize him for being happy, even though it felt like a stab at my attention and slightly hurt, so I left the server. I told the owner of the server why I left (mutual friend) but he freaked out and started attacking my ex. So my ex came to me telling me to “cut the drama” I told him drama wasn’t my intention, I did it to help me heal better. (server owner) is the one creating drama. I want no bad blood, yada yada. He apologized for attacking me, realized why I left, and told me he was “happy to see me in that server again”. And now I’m here.
I’m not sure if I should go back into no contact or continue to try to be his friend. I feel like this recent explosion/drama/whatever it is set me back. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in this breakup, my only saving grace is he thinks of me very highly and understands that I’m hurt, and he is too. I’m deathly scared of him forgetting about me, which I know every article about no contact says, but the thing is his new girlfriend is physical, and they’re with each other all the time. We talked all the time when we were together, but it was only through a screen. But he still wants to be in contact and talk and cares a lot about me, and I know he still has a lot of feelings for me and doesn’t think bad of me at all, so I feel like being his friend will make him miss me, because it’s worked in the past when we started talking a lot. I’m just not sure, and I would like any advice as to how I should go about this. (Again, I’m sorry if this is clutter to the moderators! Forgive a forum noobie, just unsure if my last post was denied or not :()
