I don’t know if I should call him my “ex” but here we go.
We live in different countries. We met when he was on vacation in my country on dating app. The first date was magical, almost electric, instant connection, that we basically went on two dates in a day as he had business-related plan already scheduled that day and met up again afterwards, spent 7 hours in total. We didn’t spend the night together or have sex but we kissed. We went on a date again before he left, and he said that he thinks jumping into a relationship now is not a good idea because it’s too soon and it’s LDR, but wants to see where it goes and is planning to come back to my country in autumn.
We kept on texting everyday and calling/video chatting several times on weekends for the following month. We got really close and we missed each other so much, he said he wish someday I can come to his country to be with him. As I’ve never been to his country and it was on my wishlist, I decided that I will visit him in June. Then I went to his country, spent the weekend together for 4 days. We had wonderful time together and he said that he really enjoys spending time with me. During my stay we become physically intimate as well. But on the last day he said “I think we have something to discuss but for now have a safe flight home and write to me when you got back”.
After I came back, he became distant, was still texting daily and checking on me but sounded like trying not to let me have high hopes, and also avoided to have “the talk” on the phone though saying he wants to talk to me about it. After two weeks of that I couldn’t take it anymore and asked him what he think about us over texts. I stated that I’m not asking him to defining it or be exclusive, just want to know his feeling because it’s hard for me not knowing his feeling.
Two days later, he sent me a text saying that he was thinking about having a serious relationship with me including marriage, and he really likes me, but he does not have the feeling to have a relationship with me because he isn’t attracted enough. He wanted to discuss this in person in autumn or on phone but because I asked, he is giving me an answer now. He asked my opinion and also told me that he still wants to discuss this over the phone or in person when we meet up in autumn.
Because he asked for my opinion and it seemed like we wouldn’t be able to talk on the phone soon, I sent him several long texts describing my take on the situation that, though I personally think it’s too early to call it off, I respect his opinion. No intention of convincing him and I stated that clearly, no begging or pleading, but I’m pretty sure it looked a bit desperate. Then I found about No Contact.
A week later he texted me saying he didn’t forget about me, just couldn’t reply because he was reading my messages again and again and was thinking about it and needed some time to reply, but he just wanted to make sure that I’m doing okay. I told him that I’m good, apologized that I dragged him out like this to have this conversation when he was not ready, and reminded him again that I respect his decision and had no intention of convincing him otherwise. I thanked him for everything he had done to me and told him that I’m glad that we had met. Then I told him not to worry about me and told him to have a great summer and entered No Contact. He read it but didn’t reply.
Now it’s 11 days into No Contact. As we were not exclusive, I don’t even know he still misses me. We are still connected on FB(he almost never updates, but sometimes active online) and he hasn’t blocked me on anything.
What I think as one of the reasons behind this is my insecurity and lack of confidence. So many things happened this year I was unsure about my job, worried about my future, and I have low self-esteem. Our first date went truly awesome and I think we fell for each other instantly. I was true to myself and laid back because I didn’t have much expectation, purely happy that we had found each other and just focused on having a great time. But afterwards, especially during my stay, because of my low self-esteem and my situation of life, I was insecure, nervous and made negative comments about my life and myself. At the same time I couldn’t be vulnerable enough with him to build emotional connection. I think because of this, he lost attraction towards me.
Another reason I can think of is that I rushed everything because of my insecurity. He was a bit distant but he kept on contacting me almost daily like he used to, sending sweet messages and checking on me, so maybe he still had feelings for me, just wasn’t sure because he was losing attraction. Maybe I killed that by asking him about our future, and he decides to break up because currently he doesn’t have the feeling to commit.
What I want to do with this situation is, I want to give it another try. I don’t know how it’ll turn out. I couldn’t get to know him well to think he is definitely “the one”, but I still miss him and believe in the incredible chemistry we had on the day we met as I’ve never felt like that. Also he has all the qualities I look for in a partner. I know I screwed up and feel like I ruined a great opportunity. But I think it taught me a great lesson and now I know that I need to work on my self-esteem and confidence.
I wasn’t dating anyone else since I met him but after entering No Contact I started talking to new people. I’m open to a new relationship eventually when I find someone who’s a better match for me. But since I know he will visit my country in October, I want to work on improving myself, and after no contact I’ll try to rebuild connection with him. Hope I can build enough attraction to actually meeting up in person during his visit. I think I’ll be okay if he still doesn’t want to have a relationship with new and improved me, but if he does reconsider his decision, I’ll give it a try even with difficulties and I’m willing to move to his country to be with him in the future.
Any advice/comment on this situation? I’m not sure No Contact was the right choice for this situation. Some say NC is not for short term relationship. I know the chance is slim and I don’t have high hopes because it’s LDR and our relationship was brief. However this breakup(?) was a great opportunity to reflect on myself, find my problem, and also enabled me to appreciate my life including my job, so I want to give it another shot on him with me after all the improvements I can make. I also think it will be a good motivation.
Men want to date confident women who are fun to be with… Your negativity when you visited him was off putting and caused him to rethink whether he wanted to continue with you or not.
You wrote:“…he does not have the feeling to have a relationship with me because he isn’t attracted enough.” Ouch, that must’ve hurt your feelings, but he remembered you as a fun person until you revealed your insecurities.
You wrote:“I know that I need to work on my self-esteem and confidence.” Yes, please work through them! Seek counseling if you need extra help.
Okay, so you pushed him to answer your questions. Now you need to stop bugging him and continue no contact. If he contacts you first, you could give an appropriate short reply.
In the meantime, date local guys. Hopefully in October when he visits your country, you will find out more as to what he’s been thinking over the summer…
Actually two days ago, on 13th day of No Contact(I wrote this post on Friday), he texted me asking how I am doing after I posted some pictures at the party on FB. I didn’t expect him to have this textbook reaction. He also mentioned that he has been thinking about us and he doesn’t feel that I rushed and made him feel bad in anyway as I said. I still kind of feel like he is trying to rationalize his idea, and most importantly, I still need some time to heal, so I’m thinking about not replying him and keep on doing No Contact for a bit more, maybe till 30th day.
One thing I’m not sure is the read receipt. The app we are using has no choice to turn it off. I only checked his texts through notification so the read receipt is not sent for now, but is it better to let him know that I’ve actually read them and intentionally not replied, or to keep him in the dark whether I’ve even received them or not. Leaving his texts unread for so long might make him think that I blocked him and I haven’t even received his texts.
About my low self-esteem and lack of confidence, it’s getting a bit better with meeting new people and talking about my anxieties with my friends. I also know the root cause of my low self-esteem… It’s very difficult to work on this but I think I need it anyway even without this breakkup. Also I became friends with a person who is going through similar situation; dumped and still attatched to our ex, and talking with him helps me a lot. Also writing out my situation to post here helped me a lot as well, thank you!
Since he’s the one who rebuffed you and yet he initiated a contact (text) to you, it would be appropriate to briefly answer it. Even if just to say you’re fine. IE: don’t ignore him completely because it will make you look like you’re playing a game.
When a “dumper” says he’s not interested in dating or meeting and doesn’t want contact. Then the “dumpee” initiates complete no contact to give the dumper a chance to think things over.
Glad you want to resolve your insecurities and have a friend to talk with…
Oh really? I’m kind of confused, because Kevin was saying you shouldn’t reply during no contact no matter what, and my ex is just casually checking on me. I think two weeks is a bit too short for no contact. I haven’t replied to him yet, not because I’m playing games, but because I feel like I’m not ready. Maybe I can just send him a really short reply telling him I’m doing fine.
I’m glad you sent a short note that you’re doing fine. It was the polite thing to do…
But I hope you didn’t say any more than that!
After 30 days you could send him a message asking how he is, but DO NOT overwhelm him with messages and DO NOT say a word regarding relationships or feelings etc…
You will find out more when he visits in October. Good luck:)
PS: I think you already know that long distant relationships are very difficult for men to maintain.
For my reply I told him; sorry for my late reply, I’m doing great, hope all is fine with him. That’s it.
Almost mentioned about things he said about our relationship, but I could hold it back.
Not expecting him to reply because I didn’t ask him question and did not keep our conversation going, but anxiety like “will he read it?” “how does he react?” “did I screw it up” came back afer a while and now it’s kind of hard, I’m not sure if it was a right decision to text him back…but at least I wasn’t being rude to him and that’s a good thing, right?
I know LDRs are really hard for men. He didn’t list it as a reason but I’m pretty sure the loss of physical contact must be one of the major factor for sure. Thanks anyway
OMG! I’m so glad you kept it short and that you did not reply to anything else he said!! Anymore more talk about the “relationship” would be uncomfortable for both of you.
Please stop fretting about it. Yes, you did the right thing by not being rude.
LDRs are difficult for both men & women to maintain, maybe a little more so for men…
Well, after my reply, he texted me back saying he is doing fine though his work is quite busy and mentioned that some staffs from my country visited his office(not really sure of his intention). I repied to him to take care and enjoy summer after a few days, got a reply within hours from him saying thank you and also complimenting on my new profile picture. I said thanks and told him to have fun at the music festival that he will attend this week.
So. We kind of got back to texting each other slowly. Not exactly the way I planned to do this because my NC got cut short by him contacting me. I don’t know if I gave hime enough time to “miss me” but I guess him telling about his daily life without me asking or complimenting on my profile pic are not so bad.
Should I keep on texting him to rebuild connection or wait a little bit more to actually engage in conversation?
No, you shouldn’t continue texting. What he wrote is casual and doesn’t mean he wants to continue pursing you as a possible girlfriend! And remember, texting can become boring.
It’s nice he replied, but unless he asks you a specific question, you don’t have to respond. IE: Don’t become needy. Don’t create drama. Don’t complain about your life. Be more positive. Work on your insecurities.
No, you haven’t given him enough time to miss you and maybe he even put you in the friend zone. Don’t post so much on social media. Let him wonder what’s going on in your life…
Try to be patient and when he visits in October, you will probably learn more as to his intentions.
I replied to him because he was asking me a question again when he made a comment about my profile pic, I never iniciated contact and not texting him since my last post. He sent me texts and pitures from the festival like we used to, as if nothing happened, and I also smell friendzoning.
Now I feel like completely screwed up NC. It was much easier to ignore him completely, because if I ignore him in any way now, it actually makes it look more like I’m playing games. My original 30 days ends this Friday but as I totally screwed up and I don’t think I’m ready, I won’t initiate contact with him soon since I don’t even know if there’s any chances left anymore and not doing it soon is better for my mental health. I’ll give him short replies if he asks any questions but nothing else.
For social media thing, it’s more like my friends tagging me on pictures, but I didn’t and won’t answer his questions about them in detail.
