I’m 26 and the guy I was seeing was 28. We met on a dating app and we went on about 4 dates in 3 weeks. After the 4th date, he tells me that he is going to a different state for over a week to see his father’s childhood home, which he has never visited before (His father passed away when he was a baby), but he is still interested in seeing me after he comes back. I only tried to check up on him twice during his trip, he would only respond once each time.
After he comes back from his trip, I texted him asking if he’s still interested in meeting up. His response sounded very non-committal (“yeah maybe”). So I went on instinct mode and told him that he can tell me the truth if he doesn’t want to see me again, but I needed an answer from him. He went on defense mode and told me that he WAS open to seeing me again, but he doesn’t think he’s where I am at emotionally. I took this in stride and wished him best of luck and he told me the same. That was the of our conversation.
He’s since unmatched me from the dating app. I realize my mistake now, and understand that I didn’t give him enough time to reel back from an emotional trip and was cornering him to give me a straight answer. I was insecure that he had lost attraction during his trip. Is there still a chance I can get him back, or should I walk away from this situation? I think he’s such a wonderful person with a kind heart. He just had a lot of walls up protecting himself, and when I pressured him, he felt attacked and probably thought I was pressuring him into a relationship.
Good grief. You only had 4 dates. He told you he was going out of state on the trip to visit his father’s childhood home and would be interested in seeing you after he gets back. First you bugged him twice during his trip and then you texted him after he returned to ask if he’s still interested in meeting up. It’s no wonder he replied “maybe”. You came on too strong for a person he barely knows and I’m sure he thought you were much too aggressive! Then to top it off, you asked him to tell you the truth if he doesn’t want to see you again and you need an answer.
It’s funny you said you only contacted him twice while he was on the trip. What you should’ve done is NOT contact him DURING his trip. And after he returned, you should’ve given him time to initiate the first contact! But since you made a pest of yourself, he was probably wondering how needy and smothering you would be in a real relationship.
The damage is done and the reasonable thing to do is NOT contact him again. But if you want to risk looking even more desperate, you could sent an apology admitting your mistakes. No one knows how he might react to that, but at least you might find out if he wants to pursue you any further…
In the meantime, try to understand why you’re so insecure and attempt to resolve the issue so that it won’t be a problem in the future.
Thanks for your honest reply, Patricia. I’ve actually come to the same conclusion as you have this past week. I was very insecure because all my friends were telling me that he’s not interested in me, and he should’ve maintaied contact with me, even though he is out of state. But i’ve stepped back from the situation and put myself in his shoes since. It was much too early in the relationship to have demanded any of these things. I kept texting because my friends were telling me to in order to gauge his feelings. But what I needed to realize was he’s an introverted person who doesn’t like to express his feelings, and if he weren’t interested, he wouldn’t have gone on all these dates before he left.
I want to admit to my mistakes because I did feel a connection, but I’m not sure how he’ll react to it especially after I went berserk and pressured him to answer me. I realize I shouldn’t have let so many other voices to get inside my head, and just went with my initial instinct and let him take his time.
Also just wanted to add that another reason for my insecurity is due to my repressed memories of sexual abuse. I am very wary of men and their intentions, so I wasn’t as receptive to his touch as most other girls would be. So I was insecure that he had lost interest due to my actions, which could be conveyed as disinterest. He doesn’t know this because I hadn’t talked to him about it. I thought in order to make up for that, I could show my interest through texting, which is completely the wrong mindset. I’m trying to go through therapy so I can get through this barrier.
All I know is that I would very much like to talk to him again in the future. Not now, but once I’ve worked through my issues. Would you advise even trying again in the future?
Glad you’re in therapy:) Yes, once you get control of your issue, you could contact him again.
Don’t allow friends to influence your own thoughts and actions.
Good luck.