She is slowly killing me...

reconciliation
1

Hi,
I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years now. We used to see each other 5 to 6 times a year.

3 months ago, my ex gave me an ultimatum to marry her, or she’d be done with the relationship.

Since I didn’t like at all the way she was pressuring me, I refused and she quit.
After she quit I started missing her badly, couldn’t sleep couldn’t eat.

So I started chasing her telling her how much I missed her, how much I couldn’t live without her…did not work. I even proposed to her. She said no.

The more I chased the meaner she was with me.
She said I was controlling and difficult to be with…which I am.

Towards the end of our relationship she would cry and beg every day on the phone asking me to give her attention, but I was in a depression of my own and unable to attend to her needs. I really took her for granted.

So after a few days of begging I started no contact, and every 2 to 3 days she would contact me telling me how much she missed me, and I would answer the same.
I didn’t know I should’ve ignored her or asked her for space. I never initiated contact myself.

1 month later, I flew to where she was, and after several hours of discussion I find out she has been dating someone for a week.
My heart was shattered. Couldn’t sleep for 2 days :frowning:

So I stayed for 20 days in the same city and she knew I was over there.

I maintained no contact after that initial meetup, but every 2 days she would message me that she missed me and whe I would set a date she would pretend she was busy and had no time.

Sometimes she would say “I want to see you tomorrow and work on our relationship” and when I would ask her what time, she would say “I changed my mind” and laugh.

Eventually she accepted to see me 3 times.
Every time in the morning for coffee, because she would see the other guy in the evening.

We would discuss our relationship, our future marriage and we would hug and kiss but I would feel her cold and distant.
But later in the evening she would see the other guy.

So I got fed up and gave her an ultimatum to chose and after a few days she chose no one. She said she doesn’t want me and that she was going to tell the other guy that she doesn’t want him that same night. But maybe it is a lie.

Now I am back to where I live, and slowly we are now at the point where we text every day but we are not officially back together…

She is hot and cold. Some days she wakes up and she texts me some random things and kisses, some days she wakes up and she said she is pissed at me as she remembers the relationship and doesn’t text at all.

She sends me kisses and we flirt, but I can’t help feeling that she is lying and is still with the other guy but using me to not feel the separation anxiety from me. I have no way to verify that.

2 days ago I asked her again about that other guy and she said that she stopped seeing him but he still call her from time to time to check on her. But I can feel she is lying.

The reason I say so is that sometime she disappears for hours with no answer and then comes back with lame excuses like my battery was dead, or I was sleeping.

When I try to confront her, she sais pls don’t hold me accountable and don’t blame me.

What should I do? Should I confront her with her lies (even though I am not sure)? Should I continue texting her? Should I initiate contact that day if she doesn’t or let her do all the initiating?

The current situation is killing me slowly. I am non functional in my day to day life.

I am completely lost.

I need help ?

2

“She said I was controlling and difficult to be with…which I am.” OMG! This isn’t good at all and legitimate grounds for any normal girl to break up with a guy. What normal person wants to be with a guy like that… Then on the other hand, she sounds like she has mental issues too demonstrated by “Sometimes she would say “I want to see you tomorrow and work on our relationship” and when I would ask her what time, she would say “I changed my mind” and laugh.” I think both of you would benefit from psychological therapy. Then after some time passes and you both improve, there’s a chance you could reconcile:)

Please try not to stress out too much. Eat proper meals and get plenty of sleep. You both sound very young, so if you’re in school, focus on your studies. If you have a job, make that your focus. Spend more time with family and friends. Work on any hobbies you might have. As a last resort, if things don’t work out with your ex, date only local girls. Sad to say, but long distance relationships usually don’t work out in the long run…

Take care of yourself and good luck:)

3

Thanks Patricia for your response. But this forum is for reconciliation, which I am hoping will occur.

I know that is not good that I was controlling. I am working on it.

I am 41 she is 32 ?

As far as the long distance relationship, I want to marry her and bring her over to where I live.

We are still texting everyday but she seems to be getting colder.

She used to ask me every day how my day was going, now nothing. She doesn’t ask me anything about myself anymore for the last 2 days.

She used to kiss me good night and I kissed her back. For the last 2 days, nothing, and she answers with very short replies.

Should I initiate contact and maintain? Or be cold like she is and pull away and wait until she initiates?

4

Seeing someone 5 or 6 times a year for 2 years (about 12 times in total) is not enough time to get to know someone well enough to decide to marry. Have you recently asked her to marry you?

How far apart are you from each other?? Do either of you have children? If so, have you met her kids or has she met yours? If so, how will moving affect the children?

If you continue to contact her with nice messages, maybe she will warm up a bit.

Good luck and just be kind and respectful… time will tell where all this goes…

5

Patricia,

We would see each other and live together for a month everytime…

She is not writing anymore. She is really cold.

I tought the best idea was to do no contact. So I am really cold with her as well.

So you are suggesting I keep texting her even though she seems really uninterested at the moment?

6

You didn’t answer this question; do either of you have children?

Where do you live? Where does she live?

You could try responding to her texts for awhile even if she seems uninterested, but if she starts being rude and disrespectful, go no contact.

And if she shows no sign of wanting to reconcile, go on with your life and find a local girls to date.

7

I have children. She doesn’t. We wanted to start a family together.

We live in 2 different countries, far apart.

At the end of our relationship I took her for granted and she said that I was really cold towards her and ignoring her needs. She felt i didn’t love her anymore.

I would not answer her text messages or if I did answer, it would be something short and cold.

3 days ago she was really cold and distant, so I decided to ignore her and take a distance.

So yersterday, she texts me something out of the blue, and then proceeds to tell me she misses me, a lot. I told her I miss having her in between my arms, she seemed really happy about it. She kissed me good night.

Today, nothing, no morning texts, nothing.

So I decided to initiate contact, she replies “I am tired I am going to sleep a little bit” and it is 7pm!

I am not sure what to think or how to act with her anymore.

8

This kind of back and forth texting (hot and cold) can go on for a very long time. But it won’t help resolve the issues you have with each other and won’t help reconciling. Someone needs to break the ice and ask for an honest conversation.