Hi Kevin i broke up with my gf for 6 years recently because i caught her with an affair. During our first month together i was not sure of her so i left with no call and no text at all for 2 months and i was with another girl during that time. Within me spending time with that other woman for 2 months my ex suddenly messaged me wanting to get something back i borrowed that belongs to her son. I obviously didn’t reply until one day i decided to break up with the girl coz i found out she was connected to someone in politics who supports her. After a few days i messaged my ex and asked if it was ok to come over. She said yes. She then fixed dinner and i ended up sleeping there and with her. That was the start of everything um the beginning of the 6 year rel. There are arguements like normal couples but when i feel deeply lonely because of how she ignores me, i tend to look for someone to talk to so i messaged a few women to only converse. Those never went anywhere but she caught it on my fb. Then one time i had this instinct that something was wrong. But i didnt have evidence so we moved on with our rel. There was one time we went very broke she fought with me and threatened me. It was so pressuring that i ended up going out with a gay aquaintance which made me steal the persons phone because i was scared she would kick me out. It was a dead end for me. that was the only way out. The next thing i know i was in jail for theft. You see for her i would do anything. Anything. So while i was waitjnv for bail i contacted a female friend and told her my situation and i borrowed money to help my bail. Truth is i didnt tell my ex. I was able to get bail. While i was out i was busy looking for oppurtunities on looking for money. Everything was OK till the female friend messaged my ex and said something like she trying to get the money, obviously my ex reacted and she beat me up. Well in the past we hurt each other physicaly so its not the first time. Then after beating me up she kicked me out and broke up So i left and went home. I spent christmas alone and new years then suddenly she messaged like “lets go to the gym” which i responded and we moved on then one time we had a buffet dinner wherein we had a heart to heart talk and she exolained i have to prove myself, give her a reason etc then i dropped her. One the way home i felt strange and like i was why am i bring treated like a worker. Like everything is a rush. A close source to me and her took a leap of faith. She told me that my ex has been seeing this 40 year old married man and was falling for him because he treats always. The source also explained the my ex loves me due to my short comings in finances she had to do escort service previously. To pay the rent the bills and other billables. The source would explain that if i can recall those days where the arguement was just a tiny thing but my ex would prolong my agony simply because she was buying more time to make money. Then after she is done she would contact me and we would be together again. Those silly fights seemed to be a pattern but i was so blind to figure it out. The source said this new one she has is different because she has feelings for this one. She is 35 im 37 he is 41 and married. It makes sense. He is not available during day time while i am avail 24/7 so my ex obviously would contact me for her day agendas and send me home after. I knew i needed more proof before i confront her. So i did and i got pictures. I sent it to her viber and she started texting denial stuff. She would not even apologize. And she even said i had the mistake. She was traumatized by what my female friemd did by messaging her in fb. Then in the latter part she would then admit and say “now you know can you stop bothering me now?” I was like “ok i am gonna leave you alone for good. just remember when things go wrong i am here for you and for your son. everything is perfect for us except money. i know your being with him to milk money but i am more pained because you made me hope. I met up with you all the time and acted like your driver all the time becausd of the word you said i have to prove myself to win you. I would even continue that but not with a 3rd party involved. I cant bear this pain so i am gonna go now.” I apolgized for my failures and said thanks for everything. she said “no problem!” That was one of the few last messages i sent her. If i love her? Yes! Do i still want her? Yes! But i want her to feel sorry. This time i want her to run after me and fight for me. I obviously cant match the money the 41 year old has but i love my more truly than he does. As long as there is money flowing me and my ex are like romeo and juliet loke we dont care as long as we are inlove. It seems every mistake i make she makes a big deal to the point of break up when after all she was scared of her own ghost. I dont know what to do. I have locked at home just watching tv. What are my chances here? Even though her kid is not mine i got to love him like my own. Even my friends i lost because they said i was a martyr and my ex was changing me into one. I wanna stop being needy and pleading. Im so tired of doing those. I lost my self esteem and pride. I would appreciate your advices.
The only thing you can do is get a grip on your emotions. If I were you, I’d go 3 months of NC. Even if she came to you wanting to reconcile, you’d only be hurt and angry about what has happened… which in turn will cause another split. You need time to heal.
Also, NC is an amazing way for you to gain perspective. You make excuses for her and yourself. You need to recognize your worth (and a person’s worth is not measured in $). If she is doing this because of money, she could’ve explained her need for financial security before ever getting involved with anyone else.
Her reaction to you finding out is selfish and insensitive. She could be being defensive because you found out and she never wanted that.
So yeah: NC 90 days. Find your worth and have some self respect. DO NOT CHASE THIS WOMAN. SHE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU! If you chase her and beg, you become a doormat that she will keep wiping her shoes on. NC will give you time to heal and think clearly.
If you two end up trying to reconcile, you need to go to a therapist to assist you. The way your ex is isn’t healthy, and I doubt it is all about money. If it is all about money (which is doubtful), then it isn’t real love and you need to realize how many people are out there waiting to meet their match. (You)
thank you Labound um i had a word with her friend. And her friend was told that my ex understood we were ovef and i was the one expecting. My ex has feelings for me but when she thinks of all the bad things i did she feela angry and doesnt want me back. I guess i can handle 3 months but who should text first? Me or her? And she told her friend she isnt guilty for what she did. She told her friend also that she is not trying to fall inlove, she is just trying to enjoy the moment. I really dont want to chase her. I really want her to be the first one to message me. Labound im curious to know what you meant by ypu doubt it was all about the money. I understand also i am useless to her at the moment because she has someone to get busy with. She lives about an hour away although i have been controling myself not to go there. But yes if there is a chance she agrees to reconcile and the feeling is there then of course i will forgive her. Oh yeah before i forget i heard she was watching my fb and every post i made since the past 4 days of NC. Thank you for your response.
When I said it’s not all about the money, I meant that there was something severely lacking in the relationship. You mentioned money quite a few times, but some of the poorest couples have the happiest relationships. Only open and heartfelt communication can fix what was truly lacking in your relationship.
If she gets angry thinking about your PAST relationship, then that definitely means give her the space and time she requires to get over it a bit. This means NC!
What bad things did you do to her to cause her to be so upset?
If she texts or calls before the 90 days are up, just politely tell her that you need time and space to evaluate some things and to concentrate on some things you have going on right now. (be somewhat vague when telling her) And then cease communication. After the 90 day mark, you can get in touch with her. Try to open a line of communication and eventually ask her to join you for coffee.
If I were you, I’d tell your ex’s friends to not get in touch with you to discuss your ex. Tell them you are moving on from that situation. If they are going out of their way to discuss it with you (and you didn’t ask for the info) they are doing it for your ex. Unless they really want to see you two back together.
Work on yourself during NC. Exercise, adopt a new style, read self-help books…pick up new hobbies and friends. Do not sit idle.
@labound thank you again. Well all i cqn really think of is the fighting. We say bad things to each other we swear all things you would not expect and even hurting each other too. Some of those she cant forget. And believe me those things i paid a huge price. I get out of control too at times but after 2 hours i am back to my normal self. As of now that is what i can think of. Because like i said i really did and gave up alot for her. I loved her more than any of my other rel and i am a mess now. But i dont feel mad at her unlike the past 4 days. Im holdong myself from going crazy because my mind wants to think of her. But the whole me is like wanting me to stand and just ignore the situation.
@labound i figured she will contact me to tell me to get my clothes coz last time she mentioned i get have it taken or have someone take it for me. She might use that as a reason to get in touch with me. In 90 day period if she contacts me about it i intemd to tell her to give me time because i busy thats why i could not give my clothes the priority or i can just ignore her message about it.
If she contacts you within that time, just use what I gave you and if she includes the clothes…tell her you will try to get them when you aren’t so busy. And be sure to stay upbeat and don’t add anything extra. and don’t get sucked in to anything else she says besides that.
@labound yes i will do everything i can to apply what you said. because besides the physical fights there is nothing i can think of. Financial stability is like 70%of the issue the way she explains it. 30% is the arguements, the physical fights, the trust. I realize she gets so mad because it becomes repetitive. And one thing that killed me was my female friend who messaged her about what i owed her. I guess the stress piled up to a situation wherein she would drink and think of the negative stuff. Well i do think alot too except i dont need a drink to think. Knowing she is laughing with someone else is painful something i am trying to control now. I am happy i didnt hurt any of them when i found out whats going on. I guess god was there holding my arms. I didnt even get a chance to say goodbye to her kid. He is also probably confused now too.
@Labound hi i just received news unwantedly from my ex’s bestfriend that my ex broke up with the guy. I know i’m not supposed to be in contact with the bestfriend but she used a different number coz i was ignoring her calls. My is currently freaking out, wants to scream and can’t breathe. I dunno if mean anything but i wanted to share. Well as for me i’m currently in the gym while typing this. Sweating out the pain and the agony. I see alot of hot women which makes me flex my muscles but i guess i still miss my ex because we always work out together. Well she has not gone back since our break up but i still continued. As mentioned she used me remember to go with her to the gym to drive her around her agendas etc. But since i quit then the ballgame changes. Sigh. I’m ok though. Baby steps and NC continues.
Just wanted to keep you guys posted. I have surpassed 1 week of NC today is day number 8, the first week i didn’t feel anything and no sorrow. Just today did i start feeling i missed my ex very bad. A day ago i dated my brothers female friend. The dinner went fine the movie went fine. Conversation? Hmm i must say it went well coz we were in starbucks till it closed. The only thing was i started the conversation for 2 hours but the rest of the hours she was the one talking. As much as i wanted to talk i couldnt… Why? Coz images of my ex would drop by and make me flash backwards. There were instances when i look at my date i see my ex’s face. My date would ask me a question and i was like “give me a moment hon” sheesh i would like say sorry right away. She would like smile and say “thats ok. I know where your coming from and i will not judge you. at least you were not masking it unlike most assholes i have dated” then i would like say thanks.
Guys how am i doing? What is happening or i mean is it normal what i am going thru? Seems like the more i try to be happy and not think it seems like its the opposite. Although i still process what needs to be done. I just cant seem to figure out myself now. Thank you all.
@labound Nope she didnt call or text except i was doing great till she messaged me earlier thru whatsapp
ex: Stop harassing me!!
me: what are you talking about? i havent messaged you for about a week now.
ex: You motherfucking trying hard
me: what did i do? what you mad about
ex: you and your big mouth
me: you know what? I’m busy right now. our car got rented out and i have a passenger. i cant drive and message at the same time.
ex: whatever asshole
That was the end of the conversation. Obviously because i didnt message back but i wanted to. Guys i swear on my grandpops grave. I never messaged anything for the last 8 to 7 days. I know she is drinking or drunk because when she uses the MF word that is the sign she is drinking. Im very confused. I feel like swearing at this woman seriously. She is a strong woman meaning swearing is just an ordinary word to us so im sure besides taunting me she is up to something. I cant figure it out. And yes i still love her. For what its worth this time i was smiling while reading the message instead of feeling sorrow. Well i will leave the comments to the experts for now. Il be up in the next 6 hours. Thank you.
Hi guys.Sorry to disturb you all. I was hoping to get a comment on the last message. She messaged again today. I didnt respond anymore. Thank you guys.
Hi guys its been awhile since my last post. The past 3 days she reached out to me for help. Well i did help because i just felt like it. She returned what she borrowed the past 3 days then she asked to see me. I felt quite ok so i decided to meet up with her. We were supposed to hit the gym then suddenly we ended up in the salon. While in the salon i tried to open a conversation where no past was involved but she kept hitting my wrong doings. I was being patient and held my ground. Everytime she spoke the past i answer with the future like i told her i dont care what happened in the past coz i buried it. What i care now is the future. I want her to be happy despite all the sacrifices she made for me. I said its my turn to return the favor but if she keeps hitting me with the past i confidently said then you are just drowning me from succeeding to be the man you want. I even told her are you sure its ok with your rebound that your with me now. I dont want to be in the middle of the mess because you are playing me and him and the game she got herself into is dangerous. She replied im just being paranoid and there is no one involved now. Well of course like i cared. So i said ok then. I dont mind being with you all the time but it has to be me only. If there is someone else then please spare me the heartache. Just be with him. She replied again that there is really no one. So ok then we had dinner then i dropped her to her friend place then i went to my friend. Around 4 she asked me to fetch her so i did. She asked to make a stopover at IHOP for breakfast. So we had a little chit chat and she said to be honest she wants to have a future with me alone. She told me that this is my last chance to chamge for her. Well i was like all you want is for yourself but did you bother to think what i want? I mean you have to be patient with me. I cant snap fingers and be a millionaire instantly. Anyhow she was like calling me hon again and holding my hand then the next thing i know she says she is horny. Of course i responded intimately and we stopped over at a motel. She was quite tipsy but knew everything where we went and what we were doing. Our sex turned out to be making love. And i was like why did you cum so fast? She replied i havent had sex since the last time we had. That made me confused. Up to now. From that day to today we started going out again. We even went to church together with her kid. But my guard is up at all times like im just going with flow. Then yesterday she messaged me like the last call i made to her bro in law turned out bad because he is now accusing her to have an affair with his friend. Which i already caught. And she was like this where my patience for you temporarily ends. I am crossing the line because of my big mouth. Well i to myself apologized and simply said ok now you know the gravity of what you did. You have no one to blame because of what you did. You had anaffair with a married man. Since then till today i havent messaged her. Girls and boys this is the part where i must say i badly need a concrete advice. Yes i still love her and i am basicaly followimg her instructions of go with the flow. And i know she was vulnerable the past few days coz i heard the guy is not providing any efforts to be with her (Obviously coz he has a family!) So there it is. I am ready to go NC again. @labound sorry i tried to follow your advice. Almost but not quite lol.
P.S. i dunno if this mattered. I told her I love you and she accidentaly slipped and said i love then gathered herself. I was laughing to her and said i gotcha! She was like in denial and said i didnt say anything. And i was like yeah right. well i just wanted to share for what its worth.
