She doesn't love me back

reconciliation
1

Me and my ex dated for 6 months until she broke up with me last Thursday. I am completely heartbroken, she is the greatest person I have ever dated and there was no signs of any issues. I am 32 she is 24. We had a very good relationship with each other (at least from my perspective). She is very smart & mature for her age.

We never fought, we would do all kinds of activities together, our dates always went extremely well and the sex was amazing for both of us (she admitted this). Also we would snap/text/game with each other multiple times a day, and speak by phone every few days. I would usually see her 2-3 times a week and almost always stay the night, and during the quarantine (we met just before that) I was staying with her about 4 nights week for close to 3 months.

It was this time during the quarantine that things were at their best (from my perspective). She treated me like a king and would do anything for me, and was sad when I went back to my house for a night or two. After quarantine ended she mentioned she needed to spend some weekends with her friends and family again and that’s when things shifted to more casual like how I described in the previous paragraph.

About a month ago she called me one day after I had asked for the 2nd time to go visit her cottage (where her parents lived) and she said she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship right now and needed to catch up on seeing her friends and family on her own and take things slower. She also mentioned she wasn’t ready to move in together as I had once casually dropped this idea since she had been planning to move to a new place with her same roommate at the end of summer. I told her it was fine to take our time, and respected her decision. I asked if there was any other issues she had, and she told me no.

2 Weeks ago she finally invited me up to her cottage and things went great with the parents and the weekend as a whole. I now was starting to develop strong feelings for her so last Tuesday I told her during an intense makeout session that “I love her”. She didn’t say anything back and about an hour later on our walk together she brought up how she is “freaking out” about what I said and how she doesn’t yet feel the same way or know if she ever will. She said she had been feeling this way since our first conversation about it and nothing had really changed since then about how she feels. She said she invited me to her parents as a make/break scenario and although I hit it off with the folks she didn’t have a change of heart. We agreed to bury it for the time being and had a great rest of the evening and following morning as well. I thought this would buy me a couple months more at least to try and really work on improving things

Then comes last Thursday. We got on a usual type date and on our walk she asks again if I thought more about everyhing…I was caught completely off-guard hearing about it again so soon. I explained how I think
we should give it more time and work on things but she had completely shifted into the decision that breaking up was the right thing and to do it now. Her reasoning was she didn’t want to waste my time as I am much older and she doesn’t know if it will ever go where I want it too. We had a deep heartfelt talk about it for an hour (we both teared up) but then we ended up having amazing (breakup?) sex before I left.

Since then we haven’t messaged each other but we still are playing a word game we were in the middle of back and forth, and I sent her a couple funny IG memes which she laughed at but didn’t say anything else. I desperately want to call her up tomorrow and see if she wants to show me her new place she just moved into and finish the show we were watching. I also want to ask if she has had a change of heart and suggest trying to give things another shot by working on our communication. I don’t plan to beg or make her feel guilty in any way, if she says no as hard as it is I will accept it. Any suggestions on how to approach this?

2

Update to this:

I called her we talked things out calmly, she expressed she still feels that she wants to separate and made the right decision. We still occasionally are snapping/gaming with each other on our phones.

Wondering what the best strategy to win her back in the long term is at this point, if it’s even possible?

3

@Nogulisprime OMG!! You came on too strong too quickly and completely smothered her by snap/texting/gaming everyday and dates/overnights many times a week!! You didn’t give her a chance to be on her own to do what she wanted to do…

You also asked to meet her parents twice, which is something she should have decided herself whenever she felt the time was right. You also asked to move in together. After the breakup, you’re playing word games with her and sent memes. Then less than a week after the breakup, you call to talk again.

What you don’t seem to understand is that she doesn’t want to talk about her feelings, the relationship you had, or reconciliation, especially this soon after the breakup! She gave you her reasons why she wanted to break up, but you’re obviously not accepting them!

I suggest you stop texting and playing games online. Give her a chance to breathe. Give her a chance to miss you. Let her be free to visit family and friends.

There’s no guarantee she will ever want you back, but no contact is better than what you’ve been doing to annoy her. Yes, annoy her…

I’m sorry you’re hurt and disappointed that things didn’t work out, but if you’re patient and give her time, there’s a slight chance she will reconsider her decision.

4

I think you got the totally wrong picture here, maybe it’s my fault and I didn’t explain things too well in my first post.

I did only ask to meet her parents once. She invited me on her own a few weeks later when she was ready.

Also going on 2 dates/overnights a week and staying in touch everyday I would say is normal for a 6 month old relationship for two adults. So is confessing love after 6 months. Anything less then that is not a real relationship and is going nowhere, I know this because I was stuck in a situation like that with a girl for 2 years that dragged on way too long. She spent many weekends/weekdays on her own with friends after quarantine ended and I never complained about it, so I was definitely not smothering her…she even told me in the breakup I was good about giving her space.

I agree at this point no contact may be the best option. However, am I really annoying her is she is returning my snaps and playing me back in the word games?

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Hey @nogulisprime, I just finished NC recently, and I can confidently say I am really, really happy I did it.
NC isn’t about getting her back, it’s about getting you back, and reading your messages I can sense that you might be a bit lost in the pain.

She will not want you back if you’re hurting. You need to be back in your own mental game, and confident. NC will help with that. There is the added bonus that NC can help your ex miss you, but that’s not the focus. You need to focus on you, and trust me, even after just 2 weeks of it, you will feel so much better for it.

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@Nogulisprime “…we would snap/text/game with each other multiple times a day”. AND “I would usually see her 2-3 times a week and almost always stay the night, and during the quarantine (we met just before that) I was staying with her about 4 nights week for close to 3 months”. Married people or people who live together see each other every day, but people in a loving, serious, and committed relationship give each other space from time to time. After quarantine ended is when she mentioned she needed to spend some weekends with her friends and family again, probably because you were trying to monopolize all her time…

Confessing you love for her after 6 months is normal, but she didn’t say it back. She confessed she doesn’t love you and doesn’t know if she ever will… She also mentioned the age difference, which is another reason for the breakup. Like I said before, less than a week after the breakup, you called to ask if she had a change of heart! You didn’t give her much time to even think about her decision.

"She said she had been feeling this way (freaked out) since our first conversation about it and nothing had really changed since then about how she feels. So I’m guessing you asked her about her feelings which is okay, but added up with all the intensity of daily contacts, many overnights, and asking to move in together just overwhelmed her and caused her to run in the opposite direction.

Did you ever stop to think she might be returning your snaps and playing word games because she is a nice person and just wants to be polite because she knows you’re also a nice person?
Matt is right. We know you’re in pain, but you need to back off a bit to gain a more logical perspective about the situation. Right now you’re reacting to the hurt you feel and you’re desperate to get her back. She knows this and it’s not attractive. The more you try to pull her back, the more she will resist. Please try no contact and hopefully she will start thinking of the good memories and miss you. But she can’t miss you if you’re ‘in her face’ all the time.

Good luck:)

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Ok well thanks for the opinions. I am going to try no contact for a few weeks and see what happens, but given the way she spoke on the phone it seems like it unfortunately is really over and she has made up her mind. It’s hard to think one person can see things in such a completely different perspective then the other. She really gave me no signs she was continuing to think about breaking up.

I really don’t think the reason she broke up had anything to do with too much contact though, because as I had mentioned she had told me I was good at giving her space in recent months. And during the quarantine when she had no friends/family around and only had me, she would ask me to usually stay over even more then 4 nights a week and I was the one trying to give us some space.

Somewhere around the time of quarantine ending and her going back to her more normal life (of seeing friends/family), she took a big step back and soon after is when the “call” happened so I am not sure what it was that caused things to change but it happened around then.

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So I’ve maintained no contact with her for a full 5 weeks, then I wished her a happy birthday. We exchanged a couple messages and I asked if she’d like to get together to meet for a drink/go for a walk. She said she would be “fine with it, and it’d be nice to see me again…but doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea”. I said sure, I’d just like to see her too and catch up.

Tomorrow we are meeting. What is the best way to play this? Do I just act like a friend, treat it like I would a first date with someone new? Do I try to address the relationship? Do I tell her I’d like to fuck with no strings attached?

Not sure what the play is here, leaning towards just acting like a friend and treating it like a first date. Maybe she will be interested in hanging out again if it goes well.

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@Nogulisprime Be polite and upbeat. Do not mention the relationship unless she brings it up!

No, don’t ask to be friends with benefits!!! That would be an insult to her and confirm your desperation!

Update us after the meetup…

10

So we met in the park and chatted for about 2.5 hours, catching up on everything that’s happened since we last spoke. I didn’t bring up anything about our relationship. At one point it started to rain and I cuddled up to her and covered her with my jacket, she even invited me back to her house if the rain didn’t let up but it did after about 5 minutes. We would’ve probably spent more time together and gotten a bite to eat for dinner, but she had to take care of some stuff.

At the end we shared a big warm hug, said it was nice to see each other and went our separate ways. I asked if she’d like to do this again sometime, to which she replied “yes although it will be getting cold soon”, so we would probably have to hang out inside at her place and I’m not sure how that would work. Anyways, I thought overall it went very well!

I’m not sure how to proceed from here. I feel like she either just wants to be friends now, or is unsure about what to do. What’s the best way to play this from here on out? Should I slowly start to re-initiate contact with her over social media/text? Or should I just go no-contact for a couple weeks and then ask if she’d like to meet up again?

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@Nogulisprime Definitely go no contact for 2 weeks in order to give her time to think about how nice the meetup in the park was!

If you text or chat over social media most likely she will think of you as a friendly buddy. You might have a better chance at more meetups or for her to regret her decision to break up with you if she has time to miss you.

Since the relationship was only 6 months long, she may or may not have strong emotional feelings for you, so the result could go either way… a desire to reconcile or continue on friendly terms.

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@Nogulisprime to be completely honest, my advice is the opposite of Patricia’s, and I’d like to explain why.

My own break up was a few months ago. My ex and I are an hour and a half away from each other and after I did no contact, we started talking again but it was kind of strained. During this time I ended up seeing another woman, and broke if off with her as I started becoming much more comfortable with myself, to the point where I realised that I didn’t need my ex, or anyone else for that matter to be happy with myself. For me, this revelation was huge. As fate would have it, weekend before last, I was out towards my ex on for a work meeting so I asked her if she wanted to catch up.

Now I only planned for a cafe afternoon, but I did pack some clothes to change into so I wasn’t in my business wear all day. My ex picked me up from the train station and mentioned that we could just pick up some food and stuff and go back to her place and I could change and then we could just chill there (she was also rather hungover from the night before). While I was there, we ended up having some really good chats, intellectually, we still had a very strong connection, even after not seeing each other for 3 months. Things progressed and we ended up having sex a few times.

We’ve been talking almost daily since. We’ve talked about the fact that while we both actually still love each other, neither of us want to launch back into a relationship yet. She’s working on herself, and I’m really enjoying not having to worry about anyone other than myself too. So we’re very casually involved. She’s even going to come and visit for the weekend next weekend. The whole weekend together.

The decisions that led to that were easy but also difficult. I was at ease because I knew I would be OK one way or another, but I had to make decisions based on what was going to move us forward in the best way possible. For me, I just wanted us to be comfortable around each other and talking to each other again, getting back together was not, and still is not really the goal.

My ex invited me back to her place, as yours has done too. This is not a decision either of them have made lightly. It is an invitation back into their most personal and intimate space.

I know this post is a long read, but I hope my experience can help you.
My advice is this: don’t go back to NC unless you are shaken and in turmoil. If you are mentally at ease with or without here, talk to her more openly, share some of the difficulties you’ve faced during NC, but learn to understand her patterns. If she isn’t responding as openly or as quickly as usual, give her a day to come back to you, don’t push it. This is going to be a make or break point for you, so take it slow, and deliberate over everything.

I also recommend looking into love languages. Don’t bother reading the books by Gary Chapman, but try to understand yours and your ex’s love languages. My ex and I have been doing this lately with each other and finding it very interesting.

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@Nogulisprime Anything new since the meetup in the park??

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Thanks for the feedback @patricia12 and @Matt11.

I sent her a couple memes and a snap since then, she replied but she’s still not actively sending anything my way. I’m busy with work this weekend so I am gonna wait until next weekend to ask if she’d like to hang out again. I have a feeling she still doesn’t want to get back together as she has not made an effort to reach out to me.

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@Nogulisprime I think you should’ve gone no contact until she initiated something like I suggested in my response Oct 11th. Hope you’re not going to be put in the friend zone permanently.
Good luck:)

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She finally reached back out to me today…only to wish me a happy birthday but still nice. I asked if she’d like to get together again, that it was nice to see her the last time in the park and she agreed to sometime next week.

I feel like if I don’t at least try to make a move or say something then it won’t be anything more then a friendly hangout like last time. I’m not sure that’s the case but I just get the sense.

What’s the right way to play it when I see her?

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@nogilusprime
Keep it as a friendly hangout.

At the end of every relationship is a loss of trust, and you cannot get that trust back instantly. You have to take that spark of friendship and nurture it into a flame. It won’t be quick fix, it will take time.

I know I’m spruiking a little bit here, but I signed up for the paid course, and to be honest with you, I found it extremely helpful, and I think you might too, but there’s a specific part regarding to approaches regarding the conversation of getting back together - Direct, Semi-Direct and Indirect. It sounds like you’re going to need to take the indirect approach, i.e. do not bring it up.

You need to be confident in and of yourself that you will be OK with or without her, because she will see straight through you. If you can’t do that, then you need to continue with NC, because that mindset it everything.

If you are at the point, then fantastic. Keep the hangout as friendly, but read the room. You might find your conversations are growing emotionally deeper, and you’re both physically getting closer to each other, these things are good, but the absence of them isn’t bad, keep this in mind. Keep your conversations positive where possible, but if you can’t, make sure you’re empathizing with her and being an understanding person, whatever you do, try to steer clear of the flaws in your relationship unless you can 100% take responsibility for your side and prove to her how you have grown past that, if she dwells on the flaws, you need to find someway to shift the conversation.

Honestly, the best advice here is going to be to read the room. It’s a hugely powerful strategy.

Also look into a book called Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. The second half of the book kind of carries on, but the first half was very enlightening for me. If you can read the first half before meeting your ex, you’ll find yourself much better prepared.

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@Nogulisprime I hope your next meetup will go well:) Please keep us posted…

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Unfortunately this isn’t working out as planned. She rescheduled on me twice in one week, both on days she originally suggested would work. Then she said she would let me know if she was around this weekend, I found out she was from an IG post but she never notified me. I asked her one last time if she would like to get together and again she gave me the response “I don’t want to give you the wrong idea” like she did before the park date last time. I feel like at this point I need to just let it go…Thoughts?

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@Nogulisprime Sorry, it sounds like she’s not interested in you anymore.

Yes, maybe it’s time to let go…