She broke-up with me 3 days ago, I really need advice.

reconciliation
1

Hello,

I have been staring at the screen for 15 minutes trying to figure out how the hell am I going to write this post.
I am a very emotional person and that quirk makes me go off subject a lot of times and I find it hard to get my point across.

I am a 24 years old man who was in a relationship he really cherished with someone he loved very much.
we have been together for around a year and 6 months, ever since the beginning of our relationship until the moment it ended we both loved each other very much.
I know that for sure because our breakup was very “emotional and loving” (I have no idea if that is a good term for it but I think you know what I mean)

3 days ago I was supposed to go to my class after work (I have class twice a week in the evening, learning full-stack development)
about an hour before the class I got a call saying the class was canceled and postponed to next week.
I thought to myself “great, I’ll surprise my girlfriend with a visit to her place”.

Now I’ll stop for a second and go back in time to paint a clearer picture.
My ex is currently trying to ace her equivalent to SAT’s were we live (she wants to enter a good university), and she finds it extremely hard to succeed.
For the last 6 months of our relationship, she has been studying nonstop for almost 8 hours a day 6 days a week (which is a VERY hard thing to do and I totally understand that).

the problem that was created (which I only now understand now…) is that I was push back in her order of priorities.
Me, believing this is just a passing time frame totally ignored the fact that we didn’t have sex for almost 3 months.
for the last month and a half, she started asking to sleep alone claiming that she needed her sleep time and My snoring was something waking her up (something she mentioned before only last time we talked about it it was in a humoristic way).
From my point of view, I needed to give her space and let her study so I never argued with her about this (which was both correct and incorrect).
I think I should also add that during this time even though her attraction to me was clearly dropping she always cared for the relationship and never went on a “radio silence” with me.

jumping to the last week of December she did the SAT exam and failed quite badly.
of course, I was there for her and did everything I possibly could to cheer her up and I’d like to think I succeeded.
but even though I took her to restaurants and hugged her every moment I could (she started sleeping with me again) I kept ignoring the fact that her attraction was falling and falling.

jumping back to 3 days ago, I went to her house and surprised her.
She was supposed to come sleep at my house for the weekend and I planned a fun couple of days to try and lift her spirits as much as I could.
while we were at her house we casually talked about plans for her academic future (I have mine set already)
But suddenly out of the blue she says that she needs to be home early on Saturday because she has something planned with her family.
suddenly without even thinking about it much I just open my mouth as said “I think we are growing apart”
The MOMENT I said that I immediately regretted it because the answer that came from across the room was “I think you are right”.

I order for me not to cry at work (which is where I’m currently writing this) I am going to keep the details of the next half hour from that moment simple.
We both cried a ton and hugged nonstop, I kept weeping “don’t let me go”(which completely broke her and she cried and cried).
But she stood her ground and told me that it’s just not working anymore, her attraction towards me has died out and she doesn’t feel like being with me physically even though she loves me very much.
She kept saying that I deserve so much better and that I give so much yet lately I received almost nothing from her, she kept saying that I should move on and find someone better.

I didn’t want it to end but after some time in her room, I understood that this is not going anywhere and I need to leave.
I got up off her bed and hugged her, I asked for a last kiss and she agreed (even kissed me twice)
I got out of her house and looked back on her closing the door and waving me goodbye.

the next day was agony, no friend or family member was able to make me feel even slightly better.
All I felt was loss and more the loss I felt like a missed opportunity with someone I love (which stings even more).

Before I found this amazing site (thank you for the articles and words of logic during this awful time for me, it’s helping me beyond anything I expected and it gave me hope )
So before I found this site I decided to talk with her, I sent a text asking if she wanted to talk and she agreed.
we had a clam conversation (didn’t talk about getting back together even once).
She repeated that we should both move on, not just regarding romance but in general with our lives.
I said that I can’t put down her stuff that I have in my room and she told me she couldn’t either, but she told me to net let it elude me and I need to keep moving with life.

we ended the call on a positive note with her saying that she would like us to remain in contact but it needs time.
I also talked to her mother which was important for me in order to end things on a positive note with her family (her mother told me to keep on moving and that she was also in shock to hear about the breakup).

And now we reached the present, I am a wreak… I was totally unprepared for this and I feel as if a hot iron rod is piercing my heart nonstop.
Can’t eat much nither can I sleep in my room (filled with so much of her)
But I know one thing, this breakup was due to me not paying attention (ignoring the declining attraction)
and due to her going totally over the top with her studies and getting completely lost with what direction she wants her academic life to go towards.
I don’t want to end my romantic connection to that wonderful person over such things.
we were an incredible pair and think that we have much to give towards each other.

After talking to her I tried going to the gym for the first time in 4 months and I uploaded a story to Instagram with a caption of “comeback - new goal 90kg” (also did this before finding this site)
I immediately got a chest pain that just told me I’m stupid and it’s not the time so I deleted it.
Soon after she uploaded a picture of her with her gay friend at a bar but she also deleted it quickly,
I think it was really hard on her too (maybe hard to be happy and upload posts or maybe she knew that it would hurt me like I knew mine would hurt her).

So now to why I’m writing this post:
after reading the articles on this site I now know that I need some this for me to improve the “me” aspect of my life.
I want to get in shape and succeed in my studies (currently top of my class)
I started a diet 3 weeks ago and it’s going wonderful (I am doing everything I can in order to keep going with it).
I need to start shifting the reason for doing those things from “doing this for my girlfriend” towards “doing this for myself” (something she is very good at and I am really bad at).

I think I wrote this post in order to achieve some catharsis but it’s not helping that much since I’m feeling even worse typing this but I know this is part of the healing process.

I think I just need some advice, encouragement, opinions whatever you can give me (and thanks in advance for giving)
I know that she loves and cares for me and I love and care for her.
So I’m going to start a self-improving journey and maybe, in the end, I’ll get her back…

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@Eden I’m sorry for your situation… You did the right thing by telling her you think you’re growing apart because now you know she agrees and you don’t have to guess about it or feel like something is wrong, but not knowing for sure what it is. So don’t regret bringing up the topic. Open honest communication is always the best. Ignoring what you thought of as loss of attraction needed to be discussed earlier so the truth could be revealed. Therefore don’t ever hide whatever is bothering you…

Are you grossly overweight? Did you gain a lot of weight during the relationship? Do you think that’s why she lost attraction for you? More like loss of physical attraction? Snoring is one thing, but no sex is another. You could have had sex and then she goes to another room to sleep… If she was still in love with you and attracted, she would have done this.

I’m glad you talked with her mother, but don’t do it again as it will make her feel uncomfortable being put in the middle of the situation.

I think you should give your ex’s things back to her that are in your room! It won’t help to keep them and could even be interpreted as hanging on to her and not accepting the breakup.

Failing her SAT exam will definitely have a sad effect on her, but she was already distancing herself prior to the test so that doesn’t have anything to do with her decision to breakup. I’m glad you gave her lots of space and time to study because if you hadn’t, she might have held resentments about that.

She said she wants to stay in contact, but needs time. Time for what? I’m guessing it means she doesn’t want you to contact her for a while…

You can guess as to reasons for the breakup, but unless she tells you the reasons, it’s just guessing. Did she tell you exactly why she wanted to break up?

You can’t have a romantic connection with someone who doesn’t want it! It has to be a mutual desire.

I suggest you start no contact after you give her things back…

Good luck.

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Thanks for the reply!
As I said before I’m not that great in getting points across so I’ll try to explain some of the stuff you addressed.

  1. Her stuff I’m my room:
    I meant things she gave me (pictures, post cards, letters she wrote that are filled with love)
    I can’t give this stuff back and I don’t think I want to because then I’m just forgetting I ever had a relationship with her.

  2. my weight:
    I’m quite tall 1.95m
    And I weight around 110kg… It’s not great but im far from overweight.
    I have a small belly and I’m working on turning it into abs.
    If I’m truly honest I think I look great.

3.sex:
Yes we didn’t have sex for almost 4 months BUT we still had sexual acts
To each other.
To be exact the thing that bothers me most is the fact that she was very satisfied with how I made her reach orgasms 3-5 times in a “session”
The main reason we stopped actual sex is that she stopped taking her pills (they made her very hormonal and unpleasant)
Again, it might be an excuse of hers to not sleep with me but I don’t know…

4.snoring:
To put it simply, I was the one who didn’t want to sleep in separate rooms
If we didn’t sleep in the same bed I preferred to sleep at my house.
(Another thing I forgot to add - around a month ago I stopped eating 4 hours before bed and the snoring kinda stopped
She confirmed it and was quite happy)

5.staying in contact but needing time:
I was the first that asked her to stay in contact and she agreed, for the “keeping your distance” I think she wants to focus on her studies and she doesn’t want emotions getting in the way.

6.SATs:
They destroyed our relationship.
Before she started studying we were extremely happy but once she began it had a very depressing impact on her.

7.reason for breakup:
This is the thing that hurts me most.
She didn’t give me one!
She only said her attraction towards me died.
Why? Where? How? Is it something I did?

NOTHING, she gave me nothing…
And that is truly why I believe she made a huge mistake in one of the most confusing times of her life and that this breakup was a missed opportunity.

Now for me.
I have spoken with family and close friends yesterday.
And they are telling me to move on in order to heal.

The problem is that I can’t be alone.
Im 24 and I feel like a Damm child,
I’m driving my dad crazy with deep talks about life and how to move on.
I can’t work (when I do my hardest I reach about 15% productivity)
So Im spending today with my father at his work.

I am robbed of one of the things I love most.

Driving alone.

I cant drive anywhere alone for the last 4 days now.
I just cry and cry to the point its dangerous…
Why? Because I taught myself that when a person drives alone it’s his best time to think about things in his life (that worked great untill now…)

I just don’t know what to do.
I feel worthless because of this breakup and I don’t seem to be getting better
I don’t want to fall into a black hole of darkness but it seems I’m heading there.

As for getting her back.
I can’t think of ending NC (started yesterday) before I overcome being too emotional.
If I truly try to think of a reason for her leaving me I cant think of something other then me being very emotional (which is a great trait, no one wants a stone cold partner)
But the emotional states I enter sometimes are insane
Crying is something I do when I’m scared or terrified and I think it’s an extremely unattractive trait in a male…

Do you have any tips to try and combat the emotions?
Do you think this is a good reason for a breakup?

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@Eden As for the things she gave you, put them into a box so they won’t be kept of reminders and make you more sad than you are now.

Okay, guess the weight had nothing to do with the breakup.

No sex makes sense since she stopped taking the pill because of negative effects, but she could’ve talked with her doctor to see what other birth control measures she could take.

Snoring is irritating to the other person and prevents good sleep. You could have dealt with it by “sleeping” in another room, whether you were together at her place or yours. It would have been the considerate thing to do. Glad it “kinda stopped”, however, a doctor could have given you ideas on how to prevent it entirely and run tests to find out exactly why you snore. I’ve heard (don’t know if it’s true) that raising the head of the bed helps.

You say her studying for the SAT test destroyed the relationship, but I’m wondering if you wanted to spend more time with her when she was trying to focus on studying?

You say she lost attraction. The first few months up to about a year are the most passionate/exciting/happy, but as time goes by and lovers begin to see flaws realistically, they try to decide if those flaws are something they can put up with… Sometimes a couple will discuss the flaws they see in each other and try to resolve them. If nothing changes, one might decide to breakup.

You can’t drive alone because you taught yourself that when a person drives alone it’s his best time to think about things in his life. That’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard!! Driving should be the most important time to focus on driving and not much else…

Talking with your dad and close friends is okay up to a point… Since the breakup was only a few days ago, it’s reasonable, but you have to stop doing that very soon… It can become annoying because they want to help but feel helpless to do so.

Crying is normal for a man in certain situations, but can be very unattractive if overdone! A man is supposed to be in control of his emotions! It does sound like you have a great deal of trouble controlling displays of emotions and I suggest you see a therapist!

And yes, the inability to control your emotions could have been one of the reasons for the breakup. I suggest you talk with your ex and ask for the reasons… After being together a year and a half, you deserve that much…

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PS: People can talk with a passenger while driving as it doesn’t take the deeper thinking as trying to think about life situations! Driving takes a great deal of focus on other drivers and road conditions etc… You have to get out of that habit because it could be a danger to yourself and others!