Hi, my boyfriend (23) broke up with me (24) four months ago. We were together for 1.5 years.
The evening of the breakup was quite messy for both of us. We were both crying, he said he doesn’t know what he wants right now, that I’m a great person and that if I ever need someone to talk to (since I’m going through a rough time), he’s here for me. He apologized for hurting me. I asked if we want to take a break instead, he said he doesn’t believe in breaks, either it’s over or not. His last words before he left my apartment were “I love you”. I was desperate that evening, spamming him with messages, crying into voice messages, telling him I would do everything for him to take me back. He said he doesn’t know what he wants right now, that he won’t answer my messages tonight, and once again apologized. I stopped messaging him. Two days later he messaged me again, saying he still does not know if it was the right decision, only that the past two days he’s been feeling better. I told him that maybe we both need some time apart to sort our feelings, or that at least I need that, since I’ve decided to work on my confidence and communication style. Over the next few weeks we were only talking about organizational stuff like returning belongings. It all happened polite and respectfully.
Three weeks after no contact I asked him to reconsider. I apologized for not properly listening to him in the relationship when he was hurt by my behavior and that I’m sorry if it felt like I didn’t respect him. He accepted my apology but said he’s not interested in rekindling the relationship. He’s currently studying for his final exams, which he will write in 1.5 years and does not want to be thrown off balance again. I said I respect that decision and backed off.
Fast forward to 60 days of NC later, I reached out again. I said I wasn’t at a good place mentally back then and I thanked him for supporting me in these difficult times. I asked how he’s been and that I simply missed talking to him, but I’m fine if he doesn’t want that. His answer has been warm and positive, saying how happy he is now that I can handle these things on my own, that he gladly supported me back then and that he sometimes misses me too. We started messaging each other almost daily, immediately switching back to our old banter, talking about our day, even sending pictures of each other sometimes. We met up in person once and it felt just as easy as texting.
Afterwards he asked for my intentions. I said a part of me still hopes for a second chance but I respect his no and that I simply reached out because I wanted to see where this would go, if we could become friends again or maybe even more. After all, there was a time where we saw each other not just as partners but also as best friends. I also said that I’m fine with whatever our dynamic will turn out to be, since I’m at peace with myself now.
He answered that he still is not interested in a relationship with me, that after we broke up he closed the chapter and moved on. But talking to me made him realize he still feels attracted to me. He couldn’t imagine us just staying friends and trying to keep it platonic would only throw him off balance, he enjoys his peaceful life right now and that he needs to focus on his final exams, but he’s happy that I’m doing much better now. He instead suggested a friends with benefits situation. I declined as this is against my personal values. He accepted it but also said that it’s best for his own mental health to stop talking and meeting up then.
We haven’t talked since then. One day later I’ve downloaded a dating app again and saw his profile, where he explicitly stated he’s only interested in relationships, not something casual. Seeing that hurt so much.
I’ve spent the past months working a lot on myself. My depression and social anxiety are gone, I’ve learned to handle my abusive mother by myself. I went from having just one friend to having over a dozen. I’ve started new hobbies and met new people this way. My uni grades are better than ever. And I’ve worked a lot on developing a healthy communication style. Whenever my ex and I were talking after the breakup, we were polite and respectful, always respecting the other’s boundaries and communicating openly. I’ve been on a few dates over the past months and am now actively dating again.
But I still miss him and want him back. I know things wouldn’t be the same if we tried again, why can’t he see that? Is there any chance we still can get together?
Side note: We both go to the same weekly open ballroom dance night which will return from its summer break in a few weeks.
