Sexual Incompatibility Breakup

reconciliation
1

Hello everyone! I’m just going through something right now and I need your advice. I was dating this girl for a month, everything was going great, and then something embarrassing happened during sex. Almost 2 weeks ago, she wanted me to cum on her face at the end, so I obliged and I was trying to get the condom off but it was so tight I couldn’t get it off and it snapped back and some lube from the condom went onto her face. We both laughed, she said it was hilarious, and she still wanted to have sex a second time later that night. She even stated herself that she wanted to go on a trip with me, I didn’t even bring it up, just trying to point out that the rest of the night was fine.

The rest of the week she was rather distant/different, no flirting like she usually does, and she sent me a message a week ago saying that she’d like to make things casual if I’m up for it, but if not then she’d like to be friends. I said I’d be okay with making things casual but asked her if something happened in particular that changed her mind. She replied saying that she’s afraid things are moving too fast and she wants to get to know me better before jumping into a relationship. I said that I couldn’t agree with her more and that we’ll talk in person about it, she said okay. A day later she sends me a message asking if I’m okay and apologizing for what she said and that she was being a jerk. After she said that, she invited me over to her place. I went to her place and she told me that her mom’s boyfriend left her and she was crying on the phone with her mom for 30mins, this conversation with her mom happened a couple of hours before I got there. Also a couple of other bad things happened during the week and she’s been feeling down. Admittedly sex was on my mind before I went to her place, but as soon as I saw her she just looked emotionally drained and I just wanted to comfort her. We did kiss, but that’s it. I sleep over at her place and leave the next morning and then a few hours later she sends me this text:

“I’m so sorry for having to be this blunt, but last night confirmed my concerns. I don’t think we’re sexually compatible and after the incident that happened during out last sexual encounter I’ve lost that type of attraction to you. I know it’s really harsh to put it in those words but I don’t know how else to say it. I wish it wasn’t the truth because you’d be an amazing partner but I can’t fake those feelings. Thank you for everything. I’m sorry I’m a coward and am doing this by text. I really hope you find someone who makes you happy.”

It seems genuine, but a big part of me doesn’t want to believe it because of how compatible we were in every other way. It just seems like such a small problem that could easily be resolved by talking it out, I’m just so confused. I started thinking that it could have been because I didn’t try to have sex with her the night I comforted her, but is that really worth dumping someone over? I tried calling her a couple of times to talk about it, but she blocked my number and blocked me on instagram. I’m extremely hurt and I haven’t been able to get over it for a week now, we were so compatible in every other way, and I keep thinking that if I didn’t screw that up then none of this would have ever happened. What do you guys think about this situation? Should I try contacting her or just move on? I can’t stop thinking about her. I know we’ve only dated a month but I’ve never felt such compatibility with someone. She is much kinkier than me but I expressed interest in exploring and she’s told me that she’s “going to make me kinkier”. I’ve been trying to figure out how I screwed this up so badly. I keep going back to that moment in my head with the condom mishap because she was noticeably distant the rest of the week after it happened. She was fine the rest of the night after it happened, but the next day was when things changed.

I don’t know if this is relevant, and just to give you an idea of what kind of person she is, I should mention that she’s only been in 4 relationships. All of which the men have cheated on her. The first relationship she had was 7 years and it was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive according to her. When I took her out for Valentine’s Day, she said I’m the first person in her life to take her out on this day, I was shocked by that considering she’s 29 now. On our first date, we made out, she got drunk, and she was feeling me up hard. Saying things like “I want to ride your cock so badly right now”. I eventually found out that she’s incredibly kinky, she has toys, costumes, has been in a threesome, obviously way more sexual experience than me, but I was okay with that. We spoke about it and she said she’s okay with me being inexperienced, and I told her that I’m down to try anything. She did say that she’s only orgasmed twice in her life, and the first time wasn’t even from sex. I came to terms with that and didn’t let it affect my performance, but I can understand why she’s so kinky based on that fact, she’s been exploring all these ways to attain an orgasm.

ANYWAYS, what do you guys think about all of this?

2

Comforting her and not having sex that night she was distressed was appropriate. Her being much kinkier than you is a problem. I think she will lead you down a path that you will not be comfortable with… Since there’s been this much trouble in only a month long type relationship, I think you should move on and date others who would be more sexually compatible with you. Saying things like “I want to ride your cock so badly right now” isn’t appropriate on a first date!! I get the impression she has low moral values and would cheat on you just to get an orgasm. And saying all the men cheated on her? You don’t know that for a fact and maybe she cheated on them. This situation is a total mess already and you would be better off to forget the whole thing and move on!

3

I see where you’re coming from for sure, but I’d still like to be friends with her because I think she’s very fun. I actually caved yesterday and sent her a message on Facebook, the only place she hasn’t blocked me; I just reached out and apologized for how things turned out, I’ve made peace with it, think she’s cool, and would like to be friends, but she hasn’t responded. Would it be okay for me to send her a friend request or am I being too pushy?

4

You sent her a message on Facebook and that’s enough for now! Wait to see if she responds and what she has to say before you send a friend request. But I think you should move on and find another “fun” girl to date. Otherwise, it seems you’re being too desperate and needy.

5

Her being kinkier than you is not a problem. Being willing to learn and implement is key there. In the kink community, being open-minded is number 1. (Speaking from experience here.)

It sounds like she has poor communication skills, likely due to her previous relationships. This occurred for me in my own situation with the girl I’ve pined after for 2 years.

Really, I would implement no contact with her. She is trying to force distance from you, I would say it is good to give it to her. Even remaining friends with her or staying in touch would be a no-no at this point. Her view of you, sexually speaking, isn’t where she wants it.

You are compatible in many ways, but to her she really puts sex on a pedestal (for a big reason), but she doesn’t see how communicating parts of it to you was important and she just wanted to jump ship early. That is a fault of her’s, not you. It is likely that there were other things happening in her life that could have caused her to grow distant (life/family/friends,etc). The fact she didn’t see the merit of you being there with her to help process things and not just give her a distraction of sex also shows that she wants her life to have sex as a comfort, distraction, and a lifestyle. Kudos to her, but not a healthy way to handle life. I’m sure you can see that.

So what can you do?
Take this time to separate yourself from her. Don’t think about her not unblocking you or anything along those lines. She will unblock you in time. Someone who genuinely cares about someone else shows that you have her best interests at heart, she won’t want to run away from that. She can do it right now because you are chasing after her, she knows you are going to be there for her if she wanted to at this moment.

So don’t be. Focus on yourself.

Right now would also be a good time to start checking out the kink scene to see what you might be into. Look for local meetups, munches, etc to connect with people you can get ideas from or where you can learn more. Take a workshop on stuff that catches your eye-- Like rope tying/shibari, roleplaying, classes on different tools, etc. Trust me, they exist.
This way when you feel you are in a better headspace regarding her, she won’t have the control she had before in taking the lead for cutting things off. But, you shouldn’t let her communication skills go overlooked.
When you do speak again, it would be good to even lightly mention that her mentioning kinky things made you want to take a look at the space and you were getting (or got) into it.

In any case, she wants to run. Let her.
And in the meantime, work on taking off the condom for the money shot.

6

Thanks for the suggestions! I’ve really only had vanilla sex with my previous partners, spanking them being the kinkiest thing I’ve done, so I don’t have nearly as much experience as she does. I wish she was just a little more patient with me, I told her that I’m more than willing to explore but it’s going to take time to adjust myself. I wanted to explore with her as much as she wanted to explore with me.

She did say that she hasn’t done anal in years and would like to do it with me because she felt so comfortable with me.

It’s strange how all her feelings changed based on one condom mishap, according to her. And I’ve definitely been practicing since then, it ain’t perfect but I’m making progress. I’m going to focus on myself going forward.

I have another problem actually, she’s going to be attending a show on the 14th and 26th, and I’m going to both as well…if I happen to run into her, should I say anything?

7

Like I said, checking out classes/workshops to see if something might catch your interests would be helpful. It doesn’t hurt to do some exploring yourself without her.

For her attending the shows you are going to, I would say try not to look for her. If you do see her, acknowledge her but don’t engage.
If she tries to engage, you should say that you appreciate she really is taking time to talk to you but that you need time more time to process. This helps you to: 1) Establish you still care for her, 2) Respect yourself enough to keep distance until you are ready, and 3) Regain control on the overall conversation between the two of you so you can contact her when you are ready.

I hope this helps.