sex after breakup...is there hope?

Very complicated backstory. Was in a relationship with a woman for slightly over a year since I met her. She was head over heels into me in the beginning and I tried to slow it down, keeping us grounded. We even talked of marriage and she would’ve said yes had I proposed. Our families met, I met all her friends/family, they loved me, we went on vacations together, it was a magical time. Best sex and love making of our lives. Incredible passion and adventure. However, about 4-5 months into the relationship, my mother died so it added a lot of complications and pressures to the relationship. I gave her a promise ring instead of proposing because the timing was off to start planning a wedding, family was naturally in mourning. I fell for her because she was there for me when my mom died and I was convinced then that she was the one.

A month or so after the promise ring, her ex came back into her life and tried to win her over. Apparently she had feelings for him. I was wondering if I was a rebound relationship, maybe I was. From that point on there were so many issues in the relationship. She would tell me she’s not going back to him, that she promises it’s over, but in reality she would see him every so often and I got very suspicious, rightfully so. There were lies on her part. She’d invite me to a holiday party let’s say, and then disinvite me. Say she’s going alone. Then I found out later it was because she went with her ex. It’s unclear whether they actually hooked up, she denied it, but she did admit he came over a few times and they kissed, etc. He probably did sleep in her bed once but she denies sex. I found it hard to believe. Potentially, she could have cheated on me. It’s noteworthy that throughout the course of the relationship, I broke up with her, and told her I didn’t wanna talk to her anymore…and she’d call 6 times in a day and leave messages promising she’d do counseling. And she eventually started going to it. I fell for the bait. She wanted me to bear with her.

Anyway, there are so many other issues (at one point she suggested an open relationship, she also opened up a profile on a dating website, but when I said then I don’t wanna see her then, she deleted it and said she wanted to commit) but point is, we had a wonderful valentine’s day, which she said was the best date of her life, yet on vday she was crying about her ex! So shortly after, she made me break up with her afterwards…she had come back from vacation (I also went on vacation somewhere else) and she had a drunken make out with a guy, said if I had any self respected I’d break up with her. So I did. I was not needy, but a few days later she reinitiated contact and asked me to wait for her, and that she wanted time. I told her I’d give her some time but it was not a clean NC.

Everytime I gave her space, she kept breaking the NC within a few days. In fact, she drunk texted me and also on the phone asked me to come over because she missed me. We hooked up and it was very intimate. She cried. Then, we hung out at her place again and also hooked up a few more times, with even more intimate sex and she really felt connected. Just a few days ago, she invited me to her place and that was the last time we hooked up. This time it was hardcore sex. Since then, she told me she doesn’t want to hook up anymore and that it’s over between us.

I started NC from that point on, because I asked her to consider that we could still be right for each other, it was just the circumstances that affected the relationship. My mother’s death, and her not being over her ex. It seems that she has totally cut off her ex and she said she’s done with him. She cut off all communication with him and his family. With me, she hasn’t. She has our pics up on fb, etc. But she said that “we are done babe”. I haven’t messaged her since.

It’s been a few days and I’m feeling much better. She texted me a couple days ago, no reply from me. We both know about each other’s profiles on dating sites, and after she saw mine, she sent me pictures she liked of me and suggested i put them up. I ignored. She called me yesterday, I did not pick up. I feel like I should’ve done NC as soon as the relationship officially ended in early March, but I hadn’t come across this site.

What are the chances of it working out? What is the effect of us having sex 4-5 times after we broke up? Will NC still work now? What about the fact we both have dating profiles up? I want to think that deep down we both know we’re not over each other, I’m trying to move on and so is she, but I do want to try to reconcile. So I’m wondering what the post-breakup sex means.

Bump

By the looks of it theres still a chance because whenever you tried doing NC she would still contact you. Try NC again and this time be more strict. I believe you can still reply to her, but she has to be the one who initiates the first text. Your replies should be short and simple. If you text back a long reply back, she is going to know that you miss her and right now you are trying to make her think you dont. Also, try not to reply right away and try not to hold a long conversation. If she calls/texts dont sound depressed or angry. Sound like you are fine and maybe happy. Maybe tell her all the things you been doing to keep you busy and tell her all the fun things (hobbies) you been doing. Small talks only. Be the one to end the conversation.
Dont have sex unless you guys are officially back together.

Thanks for the reply Letty. I think i’ll do a 30 day NC. I don’t have a lot of hope right now but I think the best bet I have is to ignore her for sometime. The last time we met was over a week ago and that was the last time we hooked up. She mentioned after that “whoever I marry, whether it’s you or someone else…” She enjoyed the sex, it was wild and crazy but then throughout the weekend she was cold and we didn’t talk much…i called her a few days later and she felt it shouldn’t have happened because we’re not together anymore and made it clear that we were done and no more hooking up. She recently texted me and enthusiastic how are you, to which I did not respond.

I’ve already had those conversations and understandings with her on previous meetups, I never really discussed getting back together until our last phone convo, to which she had said (as described above) that she was done and didn’t wanna hook up anymore either. She knows she’s crazy attracted to me and I have that power on her (she’s said this before when we’d meet up post-break up - no sex, and yet it’d happen anyway cuz she’d initiate it).

I really wish I had started NC the day we officially broke up. Now it’s all muddled with this gray zone and i think time will be necessary to clear up all the confusion of the past 6 weeks.

I have been making major changes - been working out and it shows, getting a new car, and moving out of parent’s home into new swanky townhouse. In the times I had met up with her, i was flirtatious and friendly, casual, and did not act too needy, but a couple times I did talk to her about maybe down the road we could give it a try again.

Its been a week of NC. She called me yesterday and texted me she had just called to talk, And then called again.

i ignored. Should i keep ignoring?

Yes keep ignoring… She seems like a very confused woman. She might be contacting you earlier (when u met and had sex) because may be her ex rejected her and she needed comfort and loving…
I think u should wait until u are sure she is contacting u because she really wants u and its not out of desperation.
You seem very strong. Continue being that way!

Thinking about it, If you are pretty sure she cheated on you, i would even say move on to someone else, she is not worth it. And you deserve someone who you can trust.
People can be confused, its normal and it can happen. But cheating is i think very unfair to the other person and not acceptable …

Yes, it’s quite possible she did cheat on me, but it depends on what you called cheating. She admitted to having her ex sleep over in her bed once, they cuddled, and it was just hands and head. She said he slept on the couch on 2 other occasions. Is that cheating? Some would certainly say yes. But she adamantly denied having sex.

She also randomly made out with some guy on her vacation, but denies anything else happening. But from all of her comments…it seems like her eyes wandered and she wasn’t ready to commit.

She called again, this time after midnight…what should i respond…if at all?

She called me again this morning i had a brief convo. Shouldnt have picked up. But i told her i need space and time.

I think you should have just ignored the calls. Basically what your teaching her through hooking up with ther is that the end of the day no matter what she does she can rely on you to be there and that’s what the whole point of NC is. You teach them that they can’t have you when they want you they can’t come in and out of your life as they please.

the no contact will be good because I think you really need to decide if this girl deserves you. I mean it sounds to me like her actions are not matching her words. If she is wandering and making out with other people I would say that was cheating while she was on vacation.

You should be very strict about your no contact. I would say don’t answer any calls or any texts or meet for the full 30 days. In a case like this where she is confused and there as been a lot of grey in your and her relationship. I think you need to try and make it a little more black and white. She needs to get the idea that you won’t always be there when she calls or wants to hook up. She needs to learn to respect you.