Seeing My Ex After No Contact and Hoping to Reconcile

[jessk816]

Hi everyone! I just found this forum, and I’ve been reading through it. I think it’s a supportive place to be, and I could use some advice and outside perspectives right now.

I’m looking for some advice on how to handle an unavoidable meeting with my ex after several weeks of no contact, especially because I still want reconciliation.

Background: I’m 28F (27 for the majority of the relationship), American, and my ex is 28M, North African-French. We were together for about 1.5 years and lived together in Paris for almost a year.

We met shortly before I had to return to the US in 2025, continued our relationship long-distance for about four months, and then I moved back to France. He invited me to live with him, and we built a genuinely happy life together.

Overall, our relationship was healthy. We were very affectionate, extremely comfortable together, rarely fought, and communicated maturely when we did disagree. *We shared the same core values and had similar goals for the kind of life and future we wanted. There was no cheating, abuse, toxicity, etc. His friends liked me, and his family knew about me and seemed happy about our relationship. His dad is even still friends with me on Facebook.

The difficult part of the last year was everything happening around the relationship.

My school situation became extremely stressful and toxic, for reasons I won’t get into here. But it was my situation to deal with—which I did—not his. I asked for his support and comfort when things got bad, not for him to fix the situation.

That being said, the stress took a toll on me, and I admittedly became more anxious and somewhat emotionally dependent on him during that period. I can recognize that now.

From May through July, I also temporarily moved two hours away for an internship. I loved the work but was isolated there. At the same time, I was dealing with my visa, job searching, and uncertainty about my future in France.

I want to emphasize that I wasn’t unhappy with France, Paris, or our life together. I loved living in Paris and considered France home. The school situation and temporary isolation were what made me unhappy.

He was under significant stress of his own: a new job, finances, his parents’ health, family responsibilities, and being the oldest of four brothers who look to him almost like a father.

The first almost-breakup:

At the end of July, literally the day after I moved home from my internship, he suddenly told me he had doubts about our future.

I was completely blindsided.

He brought up cultural/language differences, old arguments, one political disagreement, uncertainty about whether I could remain in France, and whether I might eventually be happier in America.

These weren’t things I saw as fundamental problems in our relationship. Our cultural differences had never caused significant conflict; we both speak English and French; the political issue wasn’t important to me; and I felt that where I would ultimately be happiest was my decision to make. The uncertainty around staying in France was also already moving toward a solution through a PhD opportunity.

But he also told me he still loved me.

We had several very emotional conversations over the next few days. We both cried. He described having anxious, ruminating thoughts about our relationship and other areas of his life. I suggested therapy. He told me that this was a problem within himself and that he wanted to work on it.

He actually went to a therapist once. When he came home afterward, he held me for a long time and told me, “You calm my mind.” He told me he loved me and wanted to work on his anxiety.

So we stayed together.

And for the next month, things were genuinely good. He surprised me with Disneyland tickets for my birthday. We went a week before I left France at the end of August and had a wonderful time.

The second breakup:

I already had a month-long trip to the US planned for the end of August.

I was anxious before leaving. I specifically asked him before leaving whether we were okay. I asked how we should handle the month apart, whether anything was stressing him, and what he needed from me.

He reassured me. He said we were fine, we’d handled distance before, and we’d call and text.

When I left, he kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me, and seemed genuinely sad.

Five days later, he called and broke up with me.

He said he was tired and couldn’t handle a relationship right now. His explanations again centered largely around his stress, career, finances, family, the future, and everything feeling like too much.

That was about three weeks ago.

I haven’t begged, pleaded, repeatedly contacted him, or tried to convince him to reconsider. We’ve been in no contact. Neither of us has blocked the other, there hasn’t been any hostility since the breakup, and he still has our photo on his profile—though I know that means very little.

I’ve also started therapy and am working seriously on the anxiety and emotional dependence I developed during an extremely difficult year. I’m job searching (covering all my bases before the PhD), reconnecting with friends, networking, and rebuilding the parts of my life that became too centered around him.

The complication is the end of September.

I am flying back to France on a trip that was planned before the breakup, and half of my belongings are still in the apartment we shared.

So I’m going to have to see him.

And I still want reconciliation.

I don’t want to manipulate him into coming back or use collecting my belongings as an excuse to force a relationship conversation. I also don’t want to pretend I’ve suddenly stopped loving him.

I believe our relationship was fundamentally healthy and that most of our problems were either repairable or related to external pressures. I can see what I contributed, particularly my anxiety and dependence, and I’m actively working on them. Many of the pressures affecting him—family, finances, career, anxiety about the future—also exist independently of our relationship. One pattern I did notice on his side was that he sometimes bottled up stress rather than talking to me about it, until it seemed to become overwhelming.

What we had felt incredibly rare to me. Our relationship survived countries, distance, languages, and cultures before we eventually built a life together. I was ready to love this man for the rest of my life.

I know reconciliation can’t happen unless he independently decides he wants it too. But I don’t believe I need to pretend I don’t want it.

So my main question is how I should handle seeing him the first week of October (one month after the breakup).

Should I treat the first meeting purely as collecting my things and let him be the one to bring up the relationship? Or should I simply be warm and normal—not cold or performatively indifferent—without initiating an emotional conversation?

If the interaction goes well, should I eventually let him know that I’m still open to rebuilding the relationship, or does he already know that and the next move needs to come from him?

I’m also unsure what no contact should look like after an unavoidable in-person meeting. Does seeing each other change anything, or do I simply return to giving him space afterward?

Most importantly, how do I leave the door open without standing in the doorway waiting for him?.

I’d especially appreciate advice from anyone who went through something similar, including anyone who has navigated an unavoidable meeting with an ex while still hoping for reconciliation.

Thank you!

[Vic]

I think you’ve handled the breakup well so far

In my opinion, how to behave once you see him also depends on his behavior. Being warm and friendly is a good way to communicate that there are no hard feelings between you two. Whether or not to talk about reconciliation depends on his behavior. If he’s distant and more polite than friendly, I would not do it. If he himself is acting more open as well, maybe it’s worth a try.

If he acts cold or says he does not want to reconcile, but you still want to communicate that your door is still open, maybe thank him for the time you two had together and say that if he ever changes his mind, he knows how to contact you.

Don’t automatically expect a reconciliation once you see each other again. You should be at a point where you’re fine with however your dynamic may continue, whether you reconcile or decide to stay separate. If you don’t feel like you’ve reached the point yet, then continuing no contact may be better to gain more perspective and to not accidentally act desperate.

But all in all, this is just what I would do in your situation. But I know you know yourself, your ex and your situation way better that I ever could. I think you’ll know what to do and what’s best for you once the day arrives. I wish you all the best!

[jessk816]

Thank you, this is really helpful! I think you’re right that a lot will depend on how he behaves when I actually see him. My flight is a little over 24 hours away now, so I’m getting anxious, and I’m trying not to decide in advance that I have to say something about reconciliation.

We haven’t spoken in 22 days, so I genuinely don’t know what to expect. There have been a few ambiguous things—his mom unexpectedly added me on Facebook yesterday, and our old couple profile photo is still up—but I’m trying not to read too much into social media.

I also keep thinking about our last conversation. When I mentioned possibly sending movers or collecting my things while he was at work, he seemed genuinely shocked. He was also surprised that I’d already removed our photos from my social media. So I’m not entirely sure what he expects when I return either.

I really like your suggestion of being warm and friendly and taking my cues from him rather than going in with a predetermined conversation. If he’s distant, I’ll respect that; if he’s open, I’ll let things unfold naturally.

I’m not at the point where I’d be fine if he definitively didn’t want to reconcile—I still love him and that would hurt—but I do feel capable of respecting whatever he chooses without begging or trying to convince him. A good conversation about things would be nice though.

Thank you again, this gave me a helpful way to think about the meeting.

[jessk816]

Update: I saw him, and it was an emotional, confusing meeting.

I wanted to come back and update this thread since I got some helpful advice about taking my cues from him rather than deciding in advance how the conversation needed to go.

I arrived back in Paris and initially didn’t contact him. That evening, he texted me first to ask whether I’d made it to Paris. After I confirmed I had, he offered to get a car and bring all of my belongings to wherever I was staying. Since I’m currently in temporary accommodation and have a lot of things at the apartment, I told him I’d rather sort through everything myself. So I went to the apartment.

I wish I could say I handled the whole meeting as calmly as I’d hoped, but I didn’t. Walking back into the home we’d shared and seeing our life packed up hit me hard. There were sentimental things from our relationship among everything, and I had a pretty intense grief reaction.

We ended up talking about the breakup for quite a while. He said we had this conversation and it was over. I told him I didn’t feel that a short FaceTime conversation while I was thousands of miles away really counted.

I don’t think it would be accurate to describe him as cold, detached, or indifferent. He repeatedly said this was hard for him too and that he cared about me. He looked genuinely sad and emotional. Several times he lay on the couch covering/rubbing his eyes, and from being there with him, it looked to me like he was trying not to cry.

There were also some emotionally confusing moments alongside his insistence that the relationship was over. He kept trying to help me solve practical problems—which has always been one of the ways he shows love—and asking about where I was staying. At one point, using our names, he said something along the lines of, “You’re you, I’m me. We’re us. It’s always us.” He told me, “I care for you, I’ll always care for you,” thanked me for everything, and acknowledged that what we had was special.

I’m trying very hard not to turn those things into evidence that he secretly wants to reconcile. But I also don’t want to erase them from the story and describe the meeting as though I was emotional while he felt nothing. That wasn’t what it felt like in the room.

A big part of why I became angry wasn’t simply that he was maintaining the breakup. I was angry about how he ended the relationship.

Before I left France, I explicitly asked him whether we were okay, whether anything was wrong, what he needed from me, and how we should handle the month apart. He reassured me that everything was fine. He kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me, and then ended our 1.5-year relationship five days later while I was 3,500 miles away.

So during this conversation, I asked something I still genuinely don’t understand: Why did ending the relationship feel like the solution instead of coming to me and talking about what was happening?

He never really gave me a clear answer to that. The closest explanation was that he was dealing with a lot emotionally due to family issues and finances and didn’t want to put those things on me.
When he mentioned finances, I pointed out that I had repeatedly offered to pay for more and he often refused. I even told him he shouldn’t have spent money on Disneyland tickets and an Airbnb for my birthday if he was struggling financially.

I told him I never expected him to protect me from his emotions or solve everything alone. I wanted to be his partner through the difficult things. I also told him that he sometimes seemed to take responsibility for things that weren’t his decisions to make—whether I was happy, whether France or America was better for me, what happened with my career. Those are choices I can make for myself. Ending the relationship because he thought he was somehow protecting me took away my ability to have any say in what I was actually willing to work through with him.

I also told him that I’d spent the month apart reflecting on my own part in what happened. I took accountability for the ways my anxiety and dependence during such a difficult year might have affected him, and I’m working on it. I wasn’t trying to pretend that everything had been perfect or put all of the responsibility for what happened on him.

I told him I had been ready to love him for the rest of my life, and I still would, with all his emotional turmoil, and I would rather rebuild with him a thousand times over than start over with a stranger.
I did become angry during parts of this conversation. At one point, he said that my anger “confirmed his decision,” which obviously hurt. I took a breath, sat down, and apologized for how I had behaved, while also telling him that I thought I had a right to be angry about how this had happened and to hold him accountable for his part in it.

I eventually left with some of my important belongings, and we had a nice moment at the door. I told him he could tell me his emotions and what was going on in his head, that he didn’t always have to be the “big manly man” (an inside joke). He laughed and rubbed his eyes again. I exaggerated, “I am your safe space.” He laughed harder and said, “Now that’s Jess.”I told him I was still here.

He said my things were still there if I needed anything. I said, “I don’t need anything, I only need you.” Then immediately corrected myself: “I don’t need you. I want you.” And I walked away.

So I came away from the meeting holding two realities that seem contradictory but probably aren’t:
He is still choosing the breakup right now.
And he also clearly still cares about me and was emotionally affected by all of this.

I don’t know what the second fact ultimately means. Maybe nothing in terms of reconciliation.

But it does leave me struggling to understand how someone can still care this much, describe the breakup as difficult for himself too, acknowledge how special the relationship was, and yet seemingly view ending the relationship as preferable to bringing those fears and stresses—many of which exist outside the relationship—into the relationship and letting us face them together.

One thing I know now is that there’s very little ambiguity about how I feel. I was incredibly vulnerable with him. He knows I love him, that I didn’t want the relationship to end, that I’ve reflected on my own part in what happened, and that I still see what we had as something worth working through rather than throwing away. I never explicitly asked him to reconcile, but I can’t imagine he left that conversation unsure of how deeply I still care about him or of the fact that I haven’t closed the door on us.

So my instinct now is to step back because I don’t think there’s anything else I can explain or argue. If his decision ever changes, that realization has to come from him.

This actually brings me back to the question I asked in my original post about “leaving the door open without standing in the doorway.” I’ve made it very clear that the door is open on my side. Maybe my job now is simply to stop standing there trying to get him to walk through it.

I’m curious what people here think now that the meeting has actually happened.

Would you return to no contact from here? And how would you interpret the combination of someone being firm about the breakup while also being visibly emotional, saying it’s hard for him too, saying he cares and always will, acknowledging the relationship was special, and continuing to try to help?

I’m interested in what you would look for going forward to distinguish caring/missing me/grief from actually reconsidering the breakup.

If anyone here has had a first post-breakup meeting where their ex was emotionally affected and clearly still cared but maintained that the relationship was over, I’d be interested to hear what happened afterward, whether you eventually reconciled or not.

Thank you again for the advice, and sorry for such a long post. I wasn’t quite as good at calmly taking my cues from him once all the emotions hit as I thought I would be, but actually seeing him gave me a much more complicated picture than I had before.