Hi everyone! I just found this forum, and I’ve been reading through it. I think it’s a supportive place to be, and I could use some advice and outside perspectives right now.
I’m looking for some advice on how to handle an unavoidable meeting with my ex after several weeks of no contact, especially because I still want reconciliation.
Background: I’m 28F (27 for the majority of the relationship), American, and my ex is 28M, North African-French. We were together for about 1.5 years and lived together in Paris for almost a year.
We met shortly before I had to return to the US in 2025, continued our relationship long-distance for about four months, and then I moved back to France. He invited me to live with him, and we built a genuinely happy life together.
Overall, our relationship was healthy. We were very affectionate, extremely comfortable together, rarely fought, and communicated maturely when we did disagree. *We shared the same core values and had similar goals for the kind of life and future we wanted. There was no cheating, abuse, toxicity, etc. His friends liked me, and his family knew about me and seemed happy about our relationship. His dad is even still friends with me on Facebook.
The difficult part of the last year was everything happening around the relationship.
My school situation became extremely stressful and toxic, for reasons I won’t get into here. But it was my situation to deal with—which I did—not his. I asked for his support and comfort when things got bad, not for him to fix the situation.
That being said, the stress took a toll on me, and I admittedly became more anxious and somewhat emotionally dependent on him during that period. I can recognize that now.
From May through July, I also temporarily moved two hours away for an internship. I loved the work but was isolated there. At the same time, I was dealing with my visa, job searching, and uncertainty about my future in France.
I want to emphasize that I wasn’t unhappy with France, Paris, or our life together. I loved living in Paris and considered France home. The school situation and temporary isolation were what made me unhappy.
He was under significant stress of his own: a new job, finances, his parents’ health, family responsibilities, and being the oldest of four brothers who look to him almost like a father.
The first almost-breakup:
At the end of July, literally the day after I moved home from my internship, he suddenly told me he had doubts about our future.
I was completely blindsided.
He brought up cultural/language differences, old arguments, one political disagreement, uncertainty about whether I could remain in France, and whether I might eventually be happier in America.
These weren’t things I saw as fundamental problems in our relationship. Our cultural differences had never caused significant conflict; we both speak English and French; the political issue wasn’t important to me; and I felt that where I would ultimately be happiest was my decision to make. The uncertainty around staying in France was also already moving toward a solution through a PhD opportunity.
But he also told me he still loved me.
We had several very emotional conversations over the next few days. We both cried. He described having anxious, ruminating thoughts about our relationship and other areas of his life. I suggested therapy. He told me that this was a problem within himself and that he wanted to work on it.
He actually went to a therapist once. When he came home afterward, he held me for a long time and told me, “You calm my mind.” He told me he loved me and wanted to work on his anxiety.
So we stayed together.
And for the next month, things were genuinely good. He surprised me with Disneyland tickets for my birthday. We went a week before I left France at the end of August and had a wonderful time.
The second breakup:
I already had a month-long trip to the US planned for the end of August.
I was anxious before leaving. I specifically asked him before leaving whether we were okay. I asked how we should handle the month apart, whether anything was stressing him, and what he needed from me.
He reassured me. He said we were fine, we’d handled distance before, and we’d call and text.
When I left, he kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me, and seemed genuinely sad.
Five days later, he called and broke up with me.
He said he was tired and couldn’t handle a relationship right now. His explanations again centered largely around his stress, career, finances, family, the future, and everything feeling like too much.
That was about three weeks ago.
I haven’t begged, pleaded, repeatedly contacted him, or tried to convince him to reconsider. We’ve been in no contact. Neither of us has blocked the other, there hasn’t been any hostility since the breakup, and he still has our photo on his profile—though I know that means very little.
I’ve also started therapy and am working seriously on the anxiety and emotional dependence I developed during an extremely difficult year. I’m job searching (covering all my bases before the PhD), reconnecting with friends, networking, and rebuilding the parts of my life that became too centered around him.
The complication is the end of September.
I am flying back to France on a trip that was planned before the breakup, and half of my belongings are still in the apartment we shared.
So I’m going to have to see him.
And I still want reconciliation.
I don’t want to manipulate him into coming back or use collecting my belongings as an excuse to force a relationship conversation. I also don’t want to pretend I’ve suddenly stopped loving him.
I believe our relationship was fundamentally healthy and that most of our problems were either repairable or related to external pressures. I can see what I contributed, particularly my anxiety and dependence, and I’m actively working on them. Many of the pressures affecting him—family, finances, career, anxiety about the future—also exist independently of our relationship. One pattern I did notice on his side was that he sometimes bottled up stress rather than talking to me about it, until it seemed to become overwhelming.
What we had felt incredibly rare to me. Our relationship survived countries, distance, languages, and cultures before we eventually built a life together. I was ready to love this man for the rest of my life.
I know reconciliation can’t happen unless he independently decides he wants it too. But I don’t believe I need to pretend I don’t want it.
So my main question is how I should handle seeing him the first week of October (one month after the breakup).
Should I treat the first meeting purely as collecting my things and let him be the one to bring up the relationship? Or should I simply be warm and normal—not cold or performatively indifferent—without initiating an emotional conversation?
If the interaction goes well, should I eventually let him know that I’m still open to rebuilding the relationship, or does he already know that and the next move needs to come from him?
I’m also unsure what no contact should look like after an unavoidable in-person meeting. Does seeing each other change anything, or do I simply return to giving him space afterward?
Most importantly, how do I leave the door open without standing in the doorway waiting for him?.
I’d especially appreciate advice from anyone who went through something similar, including anyone who has navigated an unavoidable meeting with an ex while still hoping for reconciliation.
Thank you!