Regretting my actions and behavior in the past due to fear leading to lifetime hatred from my ex and his family

Breakup Help reconciliation
1

Hi, I need to know whether this is over because I am have anxious-avoidant attachment. I am not sure if I could move on. My ex hated me to the core.

I am 39y F. My Ex is 38y M. We are both Chinese Malaysian.

I met my ex on Reddit. We were in ldr from 2022 to 2024. We texted, voice call and video calls every day. We met 4 times during those years. He works in the US and I am from Southeasia Asia. His hometown and his family in my country. He stayed together for a few days every meet up. Our chemistry and attraction were strong.

What is the reason for break up

  • I refused to meet his parents or let him meet my parents over the course of 2y
  • He had to stop chatting, texting me if I dont do the things he wanted like meeting his parents. In the end I did because I dont want to lose him
  • He said he wanted to 2 kids. Specifically 2 kids but I wasnt really giving him the answer he needed to hear.
  • I did not introduce him to my parents at all until he broke up with me
  • he wanted me to meet his grandparents because he said before he wished to let his grandparents know that he has a girlfriend but I DID NOT VISIT THEM EVER. Now one of his grandparent died and he regretted it forever

Why I did what I did

  • I am scared of commitment. I am scared of moving out from my family. I am taking care of my sick dog. If we get married, I have to abandon all these
  • I am a fencesitter on children. I feel that if I married to the right person, it is okay to have children
  • I have BDD. The thoughts of childbirth and post partum scares me because my family is a bit dysfunctional. My mother often complained to me
  • I am scared that I lose the freedom after having children
  • I am selfish, indecisive, unable to communicate (this is what he told me) and he could not trust me being a partner
  • I am unable to communicate my fears to him because I am scared he would leave me
  • everytime he asked me about meeting parents, children I will freeze… unable to talk… that hurt him…
  • meeting parents feels like a step to immediate marriage which scares me. I feel I needed more time but my biological clock is ticking…

Since Apr 2024, he stopped calling me. He just texted me. His texts were getting short, sarcastic and less until he blocked me on whatsapp (our mode of communciation) on Dec 6. The reason is because I wasn’t able to let him know when to meet my parents, marriage and have 2 kids. I emailed him why he blocked me. He told me that if I dont have the plan to have kids then dont bother him and that the next email is my last chance to present a plan to make his dream a reality. He didnt block me on reddit so I still sent him msg and wishes. During those time I fell into depression and I have to think of a plan to save our relationship. I finally have the gut to send on Feb 2 through email. He then replied me “we are done. My grandparent died before chinese new year. Me and my family cannot accept you as part of our family due to your past actions and decisions”. This sent me into panic mode even more… I cried and finally opened up to my mother about him. We exchanged several emails because I wanted to salvage this relationship. I told him that I could visit his other living grandparents now so they dont have the regret. He said I am not his girlfriend anymore. I told him that we could try to have kids in 2025 and he said he dont think I am the right person. Lastly, I asked about his expectations and his last email said “I dont have expectation anymore. I have no hope on both of us anymore. I feel nothing for you. And I dont want to see you again. Thats it.

I guess this case is so severe because his family and him HATED me for not meeting grandparents before he died. I am not sure the cause of it. Sudden death or has been sick. I feel extreme guilt and wanted to salvage so badly…

And today he finally unfriend me on FB :cry:

He hated me so much. I messed up my relationship so badly because of my fear and inability to commit yet. Now his grandparent is dead and I did not fulfil his wish.
I told him I could pay a visit to his other living grandparents to introduce myself as his partner but he told me I am no that that person anymore. I know I cross the boundary because this sounds more like I want to fix me and make myself feeling better than putting myself in his shoes.

He was right. I AM SELFISH, INDECIVESIVE, FAILING TO COMMUNICATE MY NEEDS.

2

I’m very sorry you’re going through this but honestly I don’t believe you’re the one who is selfish. It sounds like he is. It’s at least a start that you’re admitting that you have trouble communicating and that you fear commitment and I completely can relate with you. I’m going through a similar situation myself. Have you told him all these fears that you’re having or that you’re going through? I understand it may be traditional to him and his family for you to meet his grandparents but if he really loves and respects you, he would also respect your views and with communication on both parts, you two should be able to at least compromise and try to work something out that you both can agree on for the sake of the relationship. I noticed one of the reasons you listed as your breakup as being he stopped talking or chatting with you if you didn’t do what he said? This relationship is supposed to be a two way street. It can’t be just about what he wants. It sounds like the two of you really should have a deep hearted discussion and I understand that it’s hard for you to communicate and you may have certain fears but you have to tell him these things. These are important and life changing details and decisions. Also you mentioned that you crossed boundaries by fixing yourself and making yourself feel better? That’s not at all crossing any boundaries on your part. That’s setting boundaries and doing what you feel you need or have to do for you and that’s what you’re supposed to do. Your mental health and physical well being is very important especially while going through a breakup or any hardship and taking care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally is a huge step in getting better and possibly even getting your ex back. But you need to communicate as well. As challenging as it may be, tell him your wants and needs as well.

1 Like
3

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. My emotion today is zero. I dont have any emotions. I keep scrolling back our conversation at the beginning of our relationship and they were the best. Thats where I fell in love with him. I missed the old him. I could communicate more openly with him last time because he truly cared.

He began to be so impatient, angry and always lashing out at me whenever I didnt do the things he wanted. He just wanted me to talk with me parents, visit my parents, vist his parents and family and have kids. This conversation started since March 2023 after our 2nd face to face meeting. He stopped talking to me because I refuse to talk with his parents yet. Until I said I could talk to his parents then he became normal back. So in between those months our chats were normal but no longer the same. He kept asking when I could meet my parents. I kept dragging him. Then on Oct 2023, he said he wanted to break up with me due to my advanced age and the inability to give him children. I told him that I could still give him children and statistics may not apply to every woman. I told him I would do a fertility test for him and he should do semen analysis. Turned out I was good and his was bad. We went back as couple again and we didnt talk about this until Apr 2024. He had a baby fever after meeting his nephew. He kept asking on the marriage and kids. He no longer video calling me, just half hearted text. I guess he already checked out at that moment. He also started to curse me like “Fuck you, etc etc, I would slap you if you are in front of me”. I told him to stop cursing and he said I can say whatever I want. If you cant accept me then leave…

Maybe it is my fault for meeting his expectations therefore I get this treatment.

Also I dont think I have the chance to salvage with him anymore because he and his family HATED me so much. Talking with me will RELIVE THE REGRET for not being able to bring a girl home to their grandparents.

4

Hi guys, I would like to provide some update.
It has been almost 8 - 10 months since our break up and I broke no contact a couple of times.
I really need some advice because I am still stuck, missing him and feeling hopeful. This hope is killing me because I feel like I am hoping for nothing. I have been going to counselling but not much help. I am still missing him strongly. I dont just miss our times but also our relationship. But I dont think it is possible anymore. I believe he is in a new relationship now. This is not a rebound because rebound is 1 - 2 months after a break up but this one is much longer. I will break down in points and hopefully someone could chimp in. I am in agony :frowning:

Blocked me : Dec 2024
Break up officially : Feb 2025
Break No Contact 1 : 31 March (sent a Happy Birthday e-card). No response
Break No Contact 2 : 3 July (a short well wishing email). No response
Break No Contact 3 : 2 Sep (a short email to tell him someone impersonated him on Facebook). No response.

I used another email for my 3rd email because I reckoned that he blocked me on Gmail. All my emails were probably sent to his junk. If he didnt read them, Gmail will automatically delete them in 30 days.

On 23 Sep, I sent him 2 mooncakes to his home in Malaysia. I did not specifically write out his full name. Just the surname. For the context, we were in LDR. After break up, he moved from US to Malaysia around June - July 2025. I have been stalking him on and off… (I feel so pathethic in doing so but it also makes me feel safe knowing that not much activities from his side, eg : new relationship)

I keep tab on his friends count on FB (I was unfriended but not blocked) so I know who he has added recently. So on 2 Sep, his friend count increased 1 number. It was a girl (we call her L). I keep tab on her as well. On 16 Sep, my ex changed his profile picture (he might have read my email regarding the impersonator acc so he changed it to another pic or he just changed it simply). He got more than 10 likes from his guy friends but none from girls. But on 29 September, this girl L has given him a heart for his profile picture.

From that moment on I feel like they are in a relationship because no girl would suddenly give a heart to a stranger she just met within a month. I am so heart broken… very heart broken. I wrote all my feelings and final goodbye on a notepad intended to send to him but I haven’t. I am scared of closing the door because what if they are not dating ? What if L is just liking the picture with a heart emoji ? But this is just a benefit of doubt. My ex is quite a catch so the girl L might have been attracted to him as well. So I truly believe he is in a relationship. L is also young and fertile. I am 39y and my window to have kids is extremely narrow. He is also rushing into marriage and kids so the thought of him being serious with this girl is not a doubt. I sabotaged our relationship by delaying him which made him and his family so mad. I have so much to say but I cant write it all out.

In the course of our 2y LDR relationship we only had a total of 6 days face to face meet ups while L gets probably more than me since he has moved back to Malaysia. I wish I could have more quality times with him.

What should I do ? Should I send him the letter ? Is there no hope left ?
@KevinKevin. Please advise. Will 1 to 1 coach or EXback advance help in this ?

P/S : My situation is very unique and English is not my native language therefore you might see errors here and there.

5

Just wanted to add that odds are of getting back together is so rare because.

  • my age. Fertility window is extremely narrow
  • he found someone younger and plenty of time to spend time together. their relationship will be stronger than with me
  • his last email to me in Feb 2025 was full of anger, grief (his grandparent) and disappointment. He told me that he has no feelings for me and never wanted to see me again.

I am really at lost and struggling to move on because if I move on I will have to erase him from my memory forever. I used chatgpt to analyze our convos (heated argument) and it said he was abusive and treated me with contempt. Chatgpt might be biased to my narrative but hasnt heard his. I can say that I contributed fairly in this break up but he has his issues too.

I really need some advice. I feel like time is running out for me. I read a lot of stories and none of them are similar to mine. It has ntg to do with age nor fertility. Some exes still spoke to each other. But mine just shut everywhere, radio silence. There is a lot more to share but I cannot type it all out. It will be a 5 hours long movie.

Thank you

6

Hi @Hopeless-Anxious ,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I understand you feel that your odds are rare, and to be honest, your instinct is probably right. There are a lot of things working against you.

So while I can not say that you will surely get him back, I can say that you will most definitely heal from this and feel much better. Whether or not you get him back.

I think the most healthy thing you can do for yourself right now is to make a decision to move on from him. If you feel you need to try to get him back one more time before making that decision, then do so. But ultimately, if it doesn’t work, you will have to make that choice.

You were together for 2 years and the breakup happened more than 8 months ago. So, it’s time to make that decision. No matter how difficult it is.

Yes, both the EBP Advanced system and coaching will help you get clarity. And I think you do need a lot of clarity right now. It can help you figure out how you want to try to get him back one last time. But it won’t guarantee you success.

I also think you should consider therapy as it can provide a lot of support during this difficult time.

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@Kevin-T Thank you for reaching out to me. Thanks for being brutally honest with me. With my age I stand no chance with the younger woman.

I am always in a panic attack because the thought of them marrying in a couple of months by next year. Knowing my ex… this will be it. I am not sure if he has NPD but I will also be signing an online course to heal myself. Also due to lingering hope (this what kills me and why I am still here) therefore I would still love to give myself one last change. I am not sure whether I will regret it or not. I really need clarity as well. I am seeing counsellor on a monthly basis but so far not helping me. I don’t have the budget to change counsellor yet.

Now I am desperately needed help. Will EBP Advance enough for me or I need 1 to 1 ? I can only afford 1 session for now.

Thank you in advance !

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Hi @Hopeless-Anxious ,

I understand how the thought of him marrying someone else can cause a panic attack. But even if it happens, it’s not going to be as bad as your mind is making out to be. It’s not going to be the end of the world. It’s not going to be the end of your life. You are still going to move forward. You are still going to heal. You are still going to start living your life again. And you are still going to find love. Perhaps it will take time. But all those things will happen.

As for the EBP Advanced System, if you have any questions about that, please contact our support at [email protected]

I prefer keeping discussions about my Advanced course to minimum on these message boards as this place is supposed to be a public support forum and talking too much about the course will make it feel salesy and promotional.

9

2 days ago he posted on his working blog with his new gf. He declared his love for her in a poetic loving manner. My hunch was right. He dated this girl since end of Aug and became official in the mid of Sep. She was a younger woman. I assumed she could provide everything I could not to him. It is over. My hope is gone. I was in a terrible mess after finding out. Couldnt eat or sleep. I held on hopes for 8 months+ but he moved on quickly. I dont think I have a chance of getting back together based on my odds. I am at lost of what to do. Is there someone with a similar situation having success get back together for good ? It sucks because rn I still feel like trying for one last time because I should be moving on.