Regretting my actions and behavior in the past due to fear leading to lifetime hatred from my ex and his family

[Hopeless-Anxious]

Hi, I need to know whether this is over because I am have anxious-avoidant attachment. I am not sure if I could move on. My ex hated me to the core.

I am 39y F. My Ex is 38y M. We are both Chinese Malaysian.

I met my ex on Reddit. We were in ldr from 2022 to 2024. We texted, voice call and video calls every day. We met 4 times during those years. He works in the US and I am from Southeasia Asia. His hometown and his family in my country. He stayed together for a few days every meet up. Our chemistry and attraction were strong.

What is the reason for break up

• I refused to meet his parents or let him meet my parents over the course of 2y
• He had to stop chatting, texting me if I dont do the things he wanted like meeting his parents. In the end I did because I dont want to lose him
• He said he wanted to 2 kids. Specifically 2 kids but I wasnt really giving him the answer he needed to hear.
• I did not introduce him to my parents at all until he broke up with me
• he wanted me to meet his grandparents because he said before he wished to let his grandparents know that he has a girlfriend but I DID NOT VISIT THEM EVER. Now one of his grandparent died and he regretted it forever

Why I did what I did

• I am scared of commitment. I am scared of moving out from my family. I am taking care of my sick dog. If we get married, I have to abandon all these
• I am a fencesitter on children. I feel that if I married to the right person, it is okay to have children
• I have BDD. The thoughts of childbirth and post partum scares me because my family is a bit dysfunctional. My mother often complained to me
• I am scared that I lose the freedom after having children
• I am selfish, indecisive, unable to communicate (this is what he told me) and he could not trust me being a partner
• I am unable to communicate my fears to him because I am scared he would leave me
• everytime he asked me about meeting parents, children I will freeze… unable to talk… that hurt him…
• meeting parents feels like a step to immediate marriage which scares me. I feel I needed more time but my biological clock is ticking…

Since Apr 2024, he stopped calling me. He just texted me. His texts were getting short, sarcastic and less until he blocked me on whatsapp (our mode of communciation) on Dec 6. The reason is because I wasn’t able to let him know when to meet my parents, marriage and have 2 kids. I emailed him why he blocked me. He told me that if I dont have the plan to have kids then dont bother him and that the next email is my last chance to present a plan to make his dream a reality. He didnt block me on reddit so I still sent him msg and wishes. During those time I fell into depression and I have to think of a plan to save our relationship. I finally have the gut to send on Feb 2 through email. He then replied me “we are done. My grandparent died before chinese new year. Me and my family cannot accept you as part of our family due to your past actions and decisions”. This sent me into panic mode even more… I cried and finally opened up to my mother about him. We exchanged several emails because I wanted to salvage this relationship. I told him that I could visit his other living grandparents now so they dont have the regret. He said I am not his girlfriend anymore. I told him that we could try to have kids in 2025 and he said he dont think I am the right person. Lastly, I asked about his expectations and his last email said “I dont have expectation anymore. I have no hope on both of us anymore. I feel nothing for you. And I dont want to see you again. Thats it.

I guess this case is so severe because his family and him HATED me for not meeting grandparents before he died. I am not sure the cause of it. Sudden death or has been sick. I feel extreme guilt and wanted to salvage so badly…

And today he finally unfriend me on FB

He hated me so much. I messed up my relationship so badly because of my fear and inability to commit yet. Now his grandparent is dead and I did not fulfil his wish.
I told him I could pay a visit to his other living grandparents to introduce myself as his partner but he told me I am no that that person anymore. I know I cross the boundary because this sounds more like I want to fix me and make myself feeling better than putting myself in his shoes.

He was right. I AM SELFISH, INDECIVESIVE, FAILING TO COMMUNICATE MY NEEDS.

[Breezybear1]

I’m very sorry you’re going through this but honestly I don’t believe you’re the one who is selfish. It sounds like he is. It’s at least a start that you’re admitting that you have trouble communicating and that you fear commitment and I completely can relate with you. I’m going through a similar situation myself. Have you told him all these fears that you’re having or that you’re going through? I understand it may be traditional to him and his family for you to meet his grandparents but if he really loves and respects you, he would also respect your views and with communication on both parts, you two should be able to at least compromise and try to work something out that you both can agree on for the sake of the relationship. I noticed one of the reasons you listed as your breakup as being he stopped talking or chatting with you if you didn’t do what he said? This relationship is supposed to be a two way street. It can’t be just about what he wants. It sounds like the two of you really should have a deep hearted discussion and I understand that it’s hard for you to communicate and you may have certain fears but you have to tell him these things. These are important and life changing details and decisions. Also you mentioned that you crossed boundaries by fixing yourself and making yourself feel better? That’s not at all crossing any boundaries on your part. That’s setting boundaries and doing what you feel you need or have to do for you and that’s what you’re supposed to do. Your mental health and physical well being is very important especially while going through a breakup or any hardship and taking care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally is a huge step in getting better and possibly even getting your ex back. But you need to communicate as well. As challenging as it may be, tell him your wants and needs as well.

[Hopeless-Anxious]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. My emotion today is zero. I dont have any emotions. I keep scrolling back our conversation at the beginning of our relationship and they were the best. Thats where I fell in love with him. I missed the old him. I could communicate more openly with him last time because he truly cared.

He began to be so impatient, angry and always lashing out at me whenever I didnt do the things he wanted. He just wanted me to talk with me parents, visit my parents, vist his parents and family and have kids. This conversation started since March 2023 after our 2nd face to face meeting. He stopped talking to me because I refuse to talk with his parents yet. Until I said I could talk to his parents then he became normal back. So in between those months our chats were normal but no longer the same. He kept asking when I could meet my parents. I kept dragging him. Then on Oct 2023, he said he wanted to break up with me due to my advanced age and the inability to give him children. I told him that I could still give him children and statistics may not apply to every woman. I told him I would do a fertility test for him and he should do semen analysis. Turned out I was good and his was bad. We went back as couple again and we didnt talk about this until Apr 2024. He had a baby fever after meeting his nephew. He kept asking on the marriage and kids. He no longer video calling me, just half hearted text. I guess he already checked out at that moment. He also started to curse me like “Fuck you, etc etc, I would slap you if you are in front of me”. I told him to stop cursing and he said I can say whatever I want. If you cant accept me then leave…

Maybe it is my fault for meeting his expectations therefore I get this treatment.

Also I dont think I have the chance to salvage with him anymore because he and his family HATED me so much. Talking with me will RELIVE THE REGRET for not being able to bring a girl home to their grandparents.