Reconciliation still stagnate.

[labound]

My ex is still a bit confused. She admitted the other day that I am who she wants long-term. Marriage, kids, etc. That sort of thing. However, right now she feels scared that either choice (to stay with me right now or break it off) will be the wrong one. We are together in the sense we act as a couple, we go places, and some affection is shared. The last few days, we have both been confused. My confusion comes from her confusion. One day she will act like she wants to put forth 100%, and the next, she seems distant.

I don’t talk to her about the past anymore. I told her I am choosing to be happy no matter what, and I will not be living in the past. That she should sort her confusion out because I can’t wait forever. I’m being patient with her, however, I do get frustrated because before I moved back to be closer to her… she was 100% invested. She wanted to go to therapy, she wanted to marry me. There was some suspicion that she was crushing on a guy on her coed sports team. She insists that there’s nothing going on and that she just enjoys him as a friend. I know they text sometimes, but they don’t hang out.

The other day, we sat down and I told her that I feel like whenever someone else shows her interest, I am put on the backburner and that is when she starts feeling confused. She said it has nothing to do with anyone else, and that she doesn’t want anyone. I asked her if she liked the guy. She said, “let me think”. I didn’t get upset, but I did say, “ask me if I like female friend’s name” She asked me, and I immediately said no. I then asked her, “Do you see the difference? I didn’t have to think about it because you either do or you don’t.” She then said that she thinks the guy is somewhat physically attractive and she likes his personality… but she doesn’t want to have sex with him. That was the last conversation I will have with her about anyone else, because even if she has a crush or whatever on someone else… it really has nothing to do with that person.

What it has to do with is that she has found it more difficult than she expected to work through what she’s done. I do not make it hard for her. We don’t argue or anything. But if I mention anything about my feelings and thoughts that is remotely associated with the past, she becomes worked up. She raises her voice, and she gets an attitude sometimes. I feel like she can’t cope with the work of building trust, having honest and open communication, and she’s even said that she feels like she doesn’t want me around when she goes out with her friends or teammates because she has to worry about how I feel when she’s trying to enjoy herself. <– That’s completely new.
She’s never not wanted me around, and I feel like it has something to do with “the guy”. From what she’s said, it comes off as her wanting to be around him and talk to him without having to worry about my comfort level. She said that she doesn’t want stipulations and that she wants to talk to this guy, and because I feel uncomfortable, she feels like it might not work.

We have both agreed she is emotionally immature, and I’m pretty sure if you looked up the term… you’d see her picture. lol

She has a lot of good qualities, but I might have to face facts. She may not be the one after all.

Isn’t it quite ridiculous that she says she wants to marry me and have a life with me, but she’s confused as to whether she wants it right now or not? She’s thrown so many excuses out at me, Idk what’s real or not…and if I try to open up communication for her to elaborate so that I am not confused… well, it doesn’t really go well. No fighting, but she gets worked up.

Bottom line: I told her no affection can be shared if she’s confused. I told her that she needs to think about things and be 100% for me or be 100% about moving on; I want someone that will fight with me to save something we both want. Not someone that wants the perks of a relationship but not the commitment! And that’s pretty much it.

I’m venting. It’s been a bit since I’ve been on the site. I hope all is well with you guys and gals. Stay strong. Reconciliation can be a long and bumpy road. I’m so close to it, but it takes two…ya know?

On another note: I am happy. I choose to be happy everyday. I still find things to do to keep me busy, and I still make sure I go to the gym at least 3 times a week. I’m working on my degree. I don’t make my girl my sole focus. Meaning, I don’t (and never will again) lose myself for the sake of any facet of her existence.

Love and positive vibes to all of you!

[charlie]

Hi.

I read most of your posts the other day as you seem to have one of the craziest stories on here.

Last I heard you had cut things off with her?

You’re definitely right in terms of how difficult it can be for the other party. They haven’t been processing the breakup in the same manner/at all, and usually go through it blind.

There’s one thing that’s off for me from what you’ve written.

‘She said that she doesn’t want stipulations and that she wants to talk to this guy, and because I feel uncomfortable, she feels like it might not work.’

That’s kind of playing games, isn’t it? If she wants to be with you, she should respect your wishes and not talk to him.

Obviously no one knows her on here like you do, but I would’ve thought telling you he’s physically attractive and has a nice personality would be a red flag. Then on the other hand she is forthcoming enough to tell you about him.

I think your response you gave her is pretty much perfect. Just make sure you’re not getting used.

Could I ask you to take a look at my thread if you get a chance? I think there are similarities between my situation and yours somewhat. Though for now I think things are over for me, it’d be nice to hear you opinion anyway.

[atea1234]

hi @LABound, good to hear from you again!!
as an outsider reading your situation, i think you deserve more. it doesnt sound like she is ready to give 100% to you and to the reconciliation. i think you are handling things the right way but there is a small part of her that is still not ready to commit. im not sure if you stick with it if it will come in time or not. trust your gut on this one.

i know how hard it is to walk away from someone you’ve spent so many years did. but i finally did cut my ex out and go complete NC. my friends set me up on a blind date with a guy a few weeks ago and we had an unbelievable connection. felt very natural and comfortable from the beginning. he treats me so well and is so willing and ready to commit and there are no games being played. it is such a nice change up from my ex. there are of course still days i miss my ex very much and there are things about the new guy that i compare to my ex but overall its nice to be with someone with no drama, baggage, or trust issues.

again, im not sure what the future holds. im still very young. but i know for right now if my ex isn’t wanting to give me 10000% and has an interest being with other girls then i deserve better. and for right now, I’ve found it. if down the road he feels differently, i will have to see how i feel.

but like you, i am happy. i think you deserve more. you’ve been more than fair and understanding with her throughout this whole ordeal. if she’s not giving you what you need, don’t be afraid to walk away. you deserve someone who wants all of you and you and only you. keep us updated

[labound]

@atea,

I’m happy for you! That’s great! You’ve come a long way, my friend. Keep that chin up, and keep me posted on this new man in your life.

@California

I’m not sure if I should call it “playing games”, but she is definitely not ready for a committed relationship. She is scared that no matter the choice, it will be the wrong one. And I feel partly responsible for how things have turned out lately because I have been so willing to trust and be understanding. I knew there were flags before I moved back to be closer to her. I chose to want to work them out with her rather than away from her.

However, I have been here for months now, and we are further from reconciliation then when I first arrived back here. Here’s why:

As anyone knows from reading my posts, my ex first ditched me when the ending of our (9yr) relationship that wasn’t even clearly defined. Our last year was rough, and she slept with another guy without hesitation at a party. I, trying to understand others’ feelings along with my own, tried to understand that stress and anxiety are linked to people lashing out and wanting any out they can take from a “threatening” situation. I chose to forgive her lies, her disrespect and her giving herself to another man without so much as a conversation to officially break it off and move on from me. I spent many months apart from her. During those months, she would hit me up a lot. She would speak lovingly to me, she’d sleep on the phone with me, but then a guy showed an interest in dating her, and my ex started to ignore me again. So, I went on NC. A few times. lol
Then, after she told me I soothe her soul and that she just wants some space to figure herself out, I asked her to not date the other guy and to work on us; to not give us up yet. Instead, she said she didn’t want to do that. She became hostile and yelled at me…and so I said goodbye. I believe it was over 2 months of straight NC, and she randomly messaged my sister, after multiple attempts to talk to me but getting ignored, so I had to let her know it’s not acceptable for her to reach out to my little sister. We ended up talking for 4hrs. She told me she changed, that she had certain revelations and that she wants to be mine. We agreed I should move closer to figure things out.

For a while, it felt new again. She planned dates for us, she wanted to touch me and show me affection. Then this issue about her teammate came up, and I was honest about my feelings. I told her that I was uncomfortable with her interaction with this guy. She said that I had nothing to worry about. After two months of suspicion due to sketchy behavior, noticing how she doesn’t interact with this guy when I’m around, after her comments about wanting to get to know him better, I finally got the TRUTH!

My ex told me she has thought about cuddling with this guy before and has thought about sex with this guy before but “it’s not like that. I don’t think about sex with him all the time, maybe once”, and that she didn’t want to hurt me so she didn’t tell me the complete truth. She also told me that this past Saturday she and the other guy expressed that they were attracted to each other as more than friends, but she then said that she has no intentions of sleeping with him. That they’re friends and she wants to get to know him better, and she wants to work on herself and figure us out. That she is confused about us, and that lately it has been rough (mainly because of her sketchy behavior). She says she wants to try, but that she’s scared of failure due to her attraction to other people. She says she doesn’t know what that means, and if that means that we’re officially done. She says she’s attracted to me, but the baggage from the past and recent betrayals on her part make her believe that there’s no coming back from it.

So I told her, that I have set intentions on removing the cancer from my life. She’s killing me with this shit. She says it has nothing to do with these other guys, but she ignores my feelings, she isn’t completely honest. She told me she found this guy attractive. I was okay with it because everyone finds other people attractive. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re out to sleep with them. And right now, she’s saying that there’s an attraction but that she only wants a friendship with him. I’m pretty sure that she only says friendship because she isn’t dating or sleeping with him yet. She did say that if we come to a solid agreement to reconcile, she would cut this person out of her life so that we may connect on a deeper level. But do I really want to be with someone that can look me in my face and lie?

I put my foot down 7 months ago, and I was just starting to move on when she began preaching to me how she changed and wanted to settle down. Now, she’s scared that she’s making a mistake by trying to reconcile, but wants to go to therapy to figure it out, and likes some other guy and wants to essentially date him (from her words she wants to spend more alone time with him)… She’s back to being a mess. She can give all the reasons for it that she wants. But it seems that she isn’t 100% wanting a committed relationship, especially if cute guys show interest.

I’m taking a brave and painful step forward, after taking a multitude of steps back, and I am cutting the cancer out of my life. I told her that I no longer wish to seek reconciliation (this was about 2 min ago. she texted me to tell me she doesn’t know how to fix it).

She didn’t take the adequate amount of time to progress and to find herself. So, she will always question our bond and what I perceived to be a marriage because she hasn’t experienced anything outside of me yet. She hasn’t done a thing except say she’s changed for the better. She has slept with two people besides me, and both of those flings didn’t last but 2 months each. I said to her, after she came out with all of the garbage, that she feels unhappy with me because she’s unhappy in general; that she will always try to find what makes her happy with other people, places and things. (she’s even getting a puppy today which has made her happy)… and one day, she will wake up and realize that she gave up someone that did their best to not give up on her.

The only thing I got in response was, “I’m scared to death to have you out of my life, and I do love you. You are my baby, but what does it mean if I find others attractive?” I told her that she hasn’t put forth any effort to this potential reconciliation, and all I ever hear is how she’s confused and she doesn’t know what she wants but yet does nothing about it. She only complains, but doesn’t care enough to try.

To me, an “IDK” is as good as a no. I can’t make anymore excuses for her. I thought it could be a crisis. She’s about to have another birthday, which she admits is freaking her out pretty bad. She’s simply not my girl. She’s not the girl I fell in love with when I was a kid. That girl is gone and might not come back, but all I know is that I am not happy being here anymore. All throughout our youth, we hated being apart. We felt physical pain and missed each other so much, but now I feel so much more pain being around her. To see her not care about it like she would have in the past, to see her face go blank when I ask about that guy because she doesn’t “want to hurt me” - when it really means, I don’t want you to leave because I don’t want to have to choose yet… and to see her confusion. The confusion is real! but someone can be confused and not lie to and disrespect the person they “love”.

The bottom line: She wasn’t completely honest when all I’ve asked for since deciding to come back is for brutal honesty. Even if what she says hurts me, at least I know I can trust her to tell me. But no… and she feels like she’s been pretty honest. But that’s coming from a woman that texted me that she’s not doing anything wrong while sitting next to this guy on a bus, letting him know that she is attracted to him in a more than friendly way. lol

So, that is the end to my journey with her. I am about to embark on many journeys solo.

Greatest lesson learned: knowing when to let it go. It’s not up to me to fix this, and it’s not up to me to make her feel whole by being here. It’s all a mess, and I just want to live out the rest of my days happy. I want to find someone who would never give up on me. I want a woman; not a confused little girl that’s freaking out about everything because she’s getting older…and I certainly don’t want someone who isn’t very honest about what’s in their head and heart.

I started up meditation again. It was nice. It forced all the fear, anger and sadness out, and I was able to lay and relax and make positive affirmations. I feel excited about my future still. I love my life, even if part of it has run its course. I am truly blessed and honored to have known my ex. I have learned so much from this entire experience.

NOW IT’S TIME TO BE HAPPY AND FULFILLED.

[charlie]

@LAbound

All I can say to that is, congratulations dude.

I would really appreciate some advice as to what’s going in my situation, if you don’t mind me asking.

Seems my ex has been having some kind of emotional affair with a long time friend of mine, and I’m trying to work out whether or not I simply walked her into his, step by step.

https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/please-help-me-guys/page/32/

Just the last few pages, you’d get the idea.

Long story short, in the past month or so we started seeing one another again. Only four times.

[atea1234]

@LAbound,
i am really happy/excited/proud of you and whats to come!! it is never easy to walk away, especially when you have to be the one to do it but you can go with your head high because you tried everything you could to salvage the relationship. it takes two though and she just wasnt ready to put in the effort. in my opinion, she never truly felt the void of losing you. she had two flings that fizzled quickly so she ran straight back. i think the only way she will ever appreciate your relationship is with real, significant time away and time to reflect and grow on her own. she isn’t ready. she is still chasing a shiny new toy.

you will be fine. you’ve been through it and it sucks but the second time around will be easier. you shouldn’t be with someone who thinks about sleeping with other people. sure we all find others attractive but this is more than that. her ambivalence isn’t good enough for you. you will move on to someone else who appreciates everything you have to offer and i am excited to see what you do next!

my new relationship is going great. i am thrilled. he treats me better than i ever thought anyone would and is the most amazing guy. we have so much fun together and i am getting excited about seeing where this progresses. of course, like you, i feel lucky to have all those years with my ex; it definitely shaped who i am today. we are still young and im not sure what the future holds but i know if my ex will ever be the type of boyfriend i would want him to, it would be after significant time like years away from me and dating others and being on his own. and to be honest, i think i will already be long gone by the time he appreciates what we had. if my ex came back tomorrow, i would choose my current boyfriend. life is good

[kaila]

I want to say you guys are some of my favorite people here. You give really good solid advice, you are mature and balanced, you give your honest opinion without being rude or mean, always in a kind way. I feel sad what this site has been turning into with people being super rude negative, pushy and meddlesome. I’ve learned a lot from you guys and I thank you for all the times you took the time to read my posts and give me the best advice.

@atea1234, I’m so SO happy for you! You give me hope for sure I love to see the word boyfriend. It seems it’s going great for you. Good friends you have uh, they hand picked the perfect guy for you! Congratulations and I wish you all the best.

@LAbound, I agree with @atea1234. Much strenght for you to move on, you definitely deserve someone who will want to make it work out as much as you do, and not this half assed commitment from here, pardon my language. Maybe with enough time she will see you are the right one for her and put in the effort. For now, enjoy being single, enjoy giving your 100% effort and commitment to YOU. It feels marvelous when you finally stand up, get your head high and raise the bar. You are finally putting yourself first and loving and respecting yourself. Getting our dignities back gives us a lot of strength and confidence Good luck to you!

@california1815 I have checked your post but you haven’t updated it in a while, any news?

When it comes to me, I am moving on. Sometimes I get these flashes from our past… It’s weird. Sometimes it seems I deleted what happened when we got back and just remember who he used to be to me. I haven’t contacted him, actually now that I think of it, it is now EXACTLY 3 weeks since he broke it off. At this exact time he was calling me to tell me we needed to talk. Funny ah. I still would like us to talk. We live really close, go to some of the same places, have some common friends. I don’t want negativity, resentments… At the same time I’m afraid to open up a wound. I still am open minded about it working out someday between us but not so soon.
I have been getting closer to someone else. It’s not an easy situation either as there is a distance issue. But I am really enjoying getting to know this person. All I can say is you sometimes find someone in the least likely and most ironic places

[labound]

@Kaila,

I encourage to to keep moving forward with this new person. Don’t give in to your ex so soon. Look what that did for me! lol I’m happy for you, and yes, I will be putting (and staying) on the right track this time. Unfortunately, for my ex, I will not be seeking reconciliation no matter what she does to change. I found out some rough stuff last night. She’s been seeing this guy behind my back. She says she’s going to practice, but goes to see him. She admitted to deleting text conversations and using her work phone to talk to him while at work, after work, and while heading to practice. I asked her why she deleted and hid conversations from me. She said that it was because I didn’t want her talking to him, and she wanted to keep me from feeling uncomfortable. I then countered with, “You were texting him for a while when we were at your parent’s house last weekend. I didn’t say anything to you. I had no problem with it, but then we went to a party and the two of you didn’t even say hi to each other. So why would you delete new text messages? Were they inappropriate in nature? Is that why?” She immediately became hostile and said she was done talking about it. After I cried for a few minutes because I know her behavior when I am right, she said, “How do I redeem myself? How do I make this better?” All I could say through red, teary eyes was, “There’s nothing you can do now. We had a chance and you had to lie to me. It’s one thing to be confused and not know yourself; it’s another to lie and go behind my back and do this kind of stuff. It took me two months to get to the truth, and you had ample opportunity to come clean. There’s no love or trust here. I’m done.”

She then went to bed. Today, I made it home and she was just pulling up. She took a shower, and then grabbed her new puppy. She said, “I’m taking the puppy to practice.” I said, “You’re taking the puppy to practice?? How can you practice and take care of her?” She got quiet, and then she said, “You’re right. I’m not going to practice.” LOL All I could respond with was, “WHY LIE?! It’s okay if you’re going to be with that guy. I don’t care anymore. It’s done.” She just finished grabbing her stuff and left. It is concluded ladies and gentleman. I am officially moving on with my life. She used to be such a different person. One that actually cared, at the very least! She can’t stop lying to me. And it isn’t to spare my feelings. It’s to make shit less awkward and less hard for herself.

I have great friends in my corner. I’m also going out with a nice girl this Sunday.
I have an even better job already lined up, and I will begin kickboxing later in the summer. My best friend is getting married in August. I get to travel to California for that, and then I am taking a vacation to Canada after that with another best friends. Great things are happening. She can rot in all of her mess. She’s upper 20’s going on 15. I’m upper 20’s going on awesome.

@atea,

Getting her to actually care and try only lasted until the beginning of May. It is exactly the one year anniversary of when she walked into my house and told me she slept with someone else. Beginning of May, she changed. And I now know why. That’s when she started sneaking around with this guy. This morning she sent me a song from youtube, and told me she was thinking of me all morning while having this particular song on repeat. She gave a speech about how sorry she was, and about how she knows I deserve better. That she is sorry for not reciprocating like she should have. The song is my perspective of the current situation. Pretty much, it’s about an unhealthy relationship due to one person not being honest and not reciprocating true love and affections or work toward a healthy relationship, but when the other tries to leave, after “having enough”, the toxic person says and does whatever they need to get the other to stay with them…but the cycle just keeps happening. Nothing gets better. And she’s right. That is exactly how it is. It’s a messed up cycle, and I know that I am worth more than that…this…her…the lies…the cheating…

She can have that guy. Good luck to him. lol If she does this to me, she will do it to anyone. This fling won’t last either. Then, she’ll hit me up again. haha But I already gave it a second chance. I’m getting too old for this shit. lol

I’m really happy for you! I often think to myself, “Man…I’m not going to know what to do with myself if I meet someone that actually tries. That actually shows me respect, caring, blunt and consistent honesty! I won’t know what to do with myself!” lol I’m glad you found someone that is amazing, and the fact you said you’d choose the new one over the old one says volumes about how far you’ve come…and how a bad thing can turn into something great. I wish you the best of luck, love!

@California

I will take a gander.

[atea1234]

@LAbound, I am so so sorry to hear she was sneaking around. After everything she has put you through, she at least owes you respect. But in a way I think this is a good thing for you because it really gave you the strength to walk away. Reconciliation is hard work and quite frankly she just doesn’t sound mature enough to commit to something like that right now. She is chasing whatever is new and exciting and sounds like she is running from stability. I don’t really get how our exes could walk away from people who love them so much and would do anything for them. It’s definitely hard to find.

I actually ran into my ex yesterday completely randomly. We ended up getting coffee and chatting for a half hour or so. It was actually nice. I’m glad he saw me happy since the past few times I’ve been so miserable. We caught up about surface things, didn’t discuss the relationship at all. I told him I was seeing someone and he didn’t ask for details just said he was happy im happy and I deserve the best.

I think in both our situations it’s hard to walk away from the comfort and the familiarity of a person we grew up with. It always feels very natural with my ex. He knows me inside and out and I feel an overwhelming sense of comfort and naturalness around him. Unfortunately though he was a lot like your ex in the relationship. He wasn’t a “bad” boyfriend but we definitely had some trust issues in the relationship - he would tell me small lies and I never truly felt like the top priority. I think partly due to age and immaturity but the further removed I get from the situation the more I recognize that anyone who wants to be away from me - who wants to date other girls - just doesn’t value me in the right way. Maybe we met too young but he made his choice and I am ok with that.

I can also 100% relate to what you said about not knowing how to react when someone treats you with respect and is honest and loving. I truly can’t believe the way my new boyfriend treats me. It’s such an amazing feeling to feel like someone’s top priority and to have someone be honest and genuine with you. Right now the only thing my ex has on my current boyfriend is so many years of history but I keep telling myself that it takes time to develop that sense of comfort. Definitely took time with my ex.

Yesterday my ex and I admitted we both want different things right now. He doesn’t want as serious of a commitment as I do. I’m sure there will always be something there though. I really do wonder how all of this will play out. Some days I think I would be happier never speaking to my ex again and others I still feel like maybe it’s meant to be deep down. I guess only time will tell.

Anyways It sounds like you have some great friends and exciting plans for the summer! I truthfully would not have survived this year without my friends. It’s amazing how much everyone stepped up. I know you will get through this just fine and you will find yourself in a committed, happy, and healthy stable relationship while your ex is still confused and jumping around from guy to guy. Big believer in everything works out the way it’s supposed to when we let things unfold naturally

[kaila]

@LAbound I’m so sorry you didn’t deserve this. I’m sending you strength and positiveness your way. At the same time, it just makes moving on easier, doesn’t it. Now you are even more sure of what you need to do and you’ll just move on and not look back easily. You deserve better and you will find someone that will truly appreciate you and as dedicated and together as you seem to be, I’m sure you will find a quality partner soon enough

[arjun]

@LAbound heeeeeey it’s been a while since I caught up with your scenario and tbh I got told that my ex kept me in a safety net and maybe that’s what you were at first when she would talk lovingly with you and then as soon as someone else came in the picture she ditched the loving moments you had together. If you haven’t heard of something called GIGS then I suggest checking it up.

Its basically when a person has second doubts because they think the Grass Is Greener on the other side so they begin to wonder if you are who they want to spend the rest of their life with, normally happens before a major commitment is about to happen. So she did that by sleeping with that guy, then she realized she has fucked up and tries reinventing herself pursuing different lifestyles so maybe sleeping around maybe clubbing every other day or week hanging around with different people or just doing drugs. They realize they don’t like anything else than you and they come back and try get you back and normally your natural instinct is to accept them because you miss them and have been doing so for ages. This is where you took her back. What you’re actually meant to do is say no and not give in to her wishes. She then may do the same round again of trying to find someone else but when she realized again that she fucked up, she will look at herself realize what she’s done wrong and this is where she grows and becomes a person she should have been like when she was with you, then she will try do anything she can to get you back.

You’re being too nice because you’re trying to make it work and I remember this exact situation happened with me. My ex had just slept with some guy after ending us which is fine because we weren’t together but she realized what she did and came back tried getting me back with a conversation and I took her back and tried to make it seem as easy as possible to go back to being the way we were but she just sometimes gave her all and other times had this giving up attitude and eventually we ended it a few days later. I made the mistake of taking her back rather than letting her realize what she’s done wrong. Try evaluate your situation with what I’ve said and you’ll notice it.

You’ve come along way tbh and 9 years is a long relationship to let go and of course she is the one because 9 years being together obviously isn’t like marriage but you basically were a married couple and that doesn’t come by with ease so clearly you had something deep. Maybe just try identify her problem and see what you need to do to help her realize it on her own because telling her what’s wrong with her won’t do anything but make her hostile towards you.

You’re improvement is amazing and I hope it all works out. Keep me updated.

[arjun]

@LAbouund I read the post again and noticed the additional comments that I hadn’t even read I just read the situation and replied but damn how crazy it is to see how things you plan out in your life just flat out fail and gives you a perspective and what you actually deserve and want. 9 years is a long time and maybe this attempted reconciliation failed to help you grow tired of your attempts so that you could move on easier and more swiftly. Sounds like you have an amazing summer lined up. You sound like a completely changed man and emphasis on the man lol definitely can see how you’ve grown to find happiness within yourself and by yourself. I hope everything works out actually I know everything will and you definitely deserve someone better. She is just completely emotionally immature whilst you are the complete opposite. Good luck with everything dude

[labound]

Hello all!

Atea,

I am so happy that you were able to present yourself to him in such a happy, positive way. You’ve come a long way, and idk what to say. I’m just so happy for you! lol
You two communicated about what you’re both looking for, and you’re fine without him in your life that way. I understand what you’re saying about the comfort and familiarity that a long-term partner can bring. At this point though, I don’t give a shit about any of that. I just want away from her and the toxic atmosphere she has once again submerged me in!

She wants me in her life, but I have decided to sever the ties that bind us as soon as I am able. I currently live with her. She had me leave a good paying job, a nice living arrangement, and happiness… just to tell me she wanted to be mine and get married… and then cheat on me.

Oh and here’s the kicker… she’s pulling the same shit she did before. She admits fault with lying and says she knows it was wrong…but does not think she cheated on me. I forgave her for cheating the first time because it was all such a mess…and honestly…I could see her point of view, but I still maintained that she had cheated…

lol I feel like she’s crazy or just can’t admit to herself what she did. She even thinks I should like her new boyfriend. LOL She actually said that! He took advantage of a fragile situation, and knew she had a man. LIKE HIM? HE’S A GOOD PERSON!? She needs to take the goggles off…

Any mention of what she’s done (because it has come up) and she gets hostile and leaves. She really can’t handle talking about her wrong doing. I’ve only brought it up a few times. She will ignore what I say, and then come in the apartment, she’ll kiss on my head, talk about how attractive I am, and hug me a lot. She’s even asked to go camping with me and to spend time with her this week. I feel like it’s the same game as before. She wants me around for comfort and familiarity…and to keep me on a string… and if this thing with this guy doesn’t work out…she’ll be back to me. That’s why I am pushing so hard to leave her life asap. I can’t take this toxic crap anymore. I know my worth, and she’s lost.

Kaila,

Thank you so much. I really could use all the positive vibes possible. This living situation is painful. I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I do feel happy most days. After I initially found out, I stopped eating again. For about two weeks… I lost all the weight I managed to put on…but now I am back to eating and exercising…and being somewhat happy. I will be really happy after I get out of here.

I’m more than positive that there’s someone out there that’s waiting for someone like me, and they’re exactly what I am looking for.

I did go on a date, but it was just weird. She wanted to have sex and kiss etc. I did kiss her, but I explained that I haven’t really touched anyone outside of my former relationship and that I don’t feel ready for that just yet. Idk if she was offended, but she got a little odd, handed me my keys, said she’d text me…and I haven’t heard from her since. LMAO

You’d think a lady would appreciate a guy that wanted to take it slow. I am not into simply rebounding with random dates. I want to heal naturally; not stick a band aid on it all and pretend I’m not wounded.

Arjun,

Hey buddy! Pretty much what I stated above. It has made it easier. The second time around didn’t hurt nearly as bad! Sad that she’s changed to the point I don’t recognize her, but sometimes life takes us on strange paths. I’m just going to keep my chin up and look toward a better future. Anything is better than what’s going on now. lol I hope you are well.

[kaila]

LAbound!

I actually checked your post earlier today while I went around answering other peoples threads as well.
I am so sorry you are going thru this! I guess there is no other way right now than for you to live under the same roof or else you would be out of there already. Just be strong and maybe spend as less time as possible in the house. Keep looking for alternatives. Don’t you have any friend or family member that you could go live with for just some time?

Exes just keep doing that isn’t it? Stringing people along, being idiots. Argh. And that girls reaction is funny to say the least. I guess in the end she wasn’t looking for a quality partner or “relationship”, just easy casual sex. You will find someone that will give you what you need at the moment which I guess is just some companinship, relaxed and fun moments. If it evolves to more, whatever you feel you want to take it, then good. But don’t feel bad if someone can’t apreciate you for who you are, or where you are at at the moment, or that you want to go slow. I had that happen to me too and just brushed it off.

I will keep sending positiveness your way, I know this dark stage will be over and you will come back with great news for us keep strong!

[makeupjunkie]

Hi @LABound
I have been reading your posts and I admire you for coming on here giving people advice despite what you are going through. You seem like a smart level headed man. I would like your feedback regarding my situation…I need a guys perspective I guess ?

[labound]

Kaila, thank you! I’m positive that everything is going gto work out for the best. I have to make sure that once I do leave, I truly let go of any hope That there is a future. Cant wait for the day that I wake up and my life is settled. Fun, spontaneous…but settled. Im very excited for it. My family and I do not see eye to eye on most things. they are very toxic people. I only have a couple friends here right now. I cant stay with them. Ill have my ex keep spending the night with her new man and Ill have the house and bed at night alone.
Today my ex came home after spending the night with her bf. She looked at me, smiled really big and complimented me. Said I look really good and I was dressed nice. I gave her a big smile back and went on with what I was doing. I went about the house talking to her. Casual conversation about my day and what has been up with me. She stopped and said, “what has you all happy?” With a smile on her face. I said, “Im just happy. It is a good day!” With a big smile. She just stared at me, and said “I like it. I really like it.” About an hour later she asked again, “So what has you so happy?” And again, I said, “Im just happy. It is a good day.” And she seemed down after that. And then made plans to go be with her guy.

I dont get her. It’s not like I care if she goes with him. It is over between us. I want someone that is wife material. However, the way she stares at me. The way she said, “I really like it.”, the compliments and still calls me baby…

This is why I have to get out asap. All the behavior she exhibits needs to be booted from my life.

Makeup-
Ill take a look asap.

[makeupjunkie]

LABound
I hope you are able to get out of that situation and move on. You sound like an awesome person…her loss. Thank you I await your advice…much appreciated!

[jburg32]

LA way Togo being strong man. Think best thing to do is get your self back to being settled. That’s what I want and most people do, it fair what she is doing really. However you’re stronger than most in your position. Could you guys both take a look at my most recent post. My heads fried after three months of mess tbh.

[atea1234]

good to hear from you @labound! im sorry what a mess this has all turned into for you but i think it gave you the strength you need to walk away.

killing the last ounce of hope was hard for me and to be honest i don’t think it completely fades until you meet someone else. you will be so strong for getting through this and find a girl worth of your love. your ex keeps boyfriend hopping and its not gonna get her anywhere.

as for me, im very happy in my relationship! i feel totally confident and secure and so much more appreciated than i was in my past relationship. we have met each others families and are moving forward. i couldn’t be happier my last ounce of hope died because i can say now that i don’t want my ex back. i don’t want to be with anyone who views me as a plan B. you’ll meet someone who makes you feel this way and i am sure of that!

[labound]

Atea,

That is great! Yeah, my ex is still looking for something. Hell, maybe she found it: serial lust and temporary happiness. ?

I am tremendously happy for you. Remember, never become complacent! Haha Meeting the parents eh? Nice. Glad that you’re moving forward.

This second round with my ex made me realize so much. Im not going to pretend that it doesn’t hurt, and that I haven’t been damaged. I have, but this time around I am so much better equipped to handle the sadness and frustration. Some days, my arms go numb like they did the first round. When she gets her things packed to go to her boyfriend’s place, I can’t help but think, “wtf. Im in the twilight zone. I woke up in someone else’s life. How are we not together?! How did this happen?”
Those feelings fade after she leaves, and I keep myself busy. Busy but in check about what she has done and how I should never pursue her again. I mean, her being with other people hasnt been the problem. It’s the lying, manipulation, and cheating that’s the problem. If she was hitting some milestone and panicked mindset, she shouldve at least left it clean cut; not ripped apart to where it can never be cleany sewn again. We cant even be friends after 9yrs!! Im pissed.

These boards help me so much. Ha. I love being able to vent. I love helping others too.

This morning, I sat and thought sbout how I feel about her. Honestly, she doesnt respect me or love me to the degree I need from her. Even on a friendship level, she doesnt have what it takes to be in my life. It makes me sad that this is what she turned into. There used to be so much love and good times. Now I see her face and have no idea who she is. That’s the saddest part. Having someone be part of you, to know them so well, and one day they wake up and the person you loved and knew so well is dead. And the only thing youre left with is a shell that was taken over by a body snatcher.

Im done. I guess it was a tough morning. She’s been more attentive to me lately. Even when she is with him. Even said I love you to me in front of him. It is aggravating.