Quarter Life Crisis

not-your-ex
1

Anyone ever have a bf/gf that went through a quarter life crisis which contributed to the breakup? Have any of you went through a quarter life crisis? From my understanding, the crisis can last for an extremely long time. I guess I am wondering if anyone has had an experience with an ex who went through a quarter life crisis, and because of that, you weren’t able to get them back for a long time or at all.? The description of a quarter life crisis has a picture of my ex right beside it, and everything she’s said doesn’t make sense unless you know what a quarter life crisis entails. lol

Thoughts?

2

I believe I kind of did. My ex of now 4 months fell into a very unhappy stage at the end. She didn’t like where she was at professionally or that she changed in her looks. She said she needs time to work on herself and get herself back to where she used to be. The last time we talked she said she is getting alittle better and she looked better. The first 3 months she really didn’t look good and I could tell she was still struggling and would bring up her insecurities and still did a few weeks ago. We are both close to 30 now. She has told me that she doesn’t know what will happen when she gets better but needs to do this for herself. I saw her brother a week ago and he said she is still unhappy.

I don’t know if that is a quarter life crisis or not but I thought I would share my experience.

3

It very well could be. My ex started comparing herself to her friends a lot. They are all married and planning families (some even pregnant). One day, we received a letter from friends. They announced they were pregnant. My ex cried and became really sad. I told her that I just needed time. Give me a year to get my degree and get things in our relationship in order. Well, all I heard from that day forward is how she is unhappy with her degrees (She is a nurse and massage therapist), she feels like she hasn’t done anything and is going on 29, how she doesn’t own her own home or even financially capable of having a child. All of these things she could change, but instead just became even more insecure about. I encouraged her, but it kind of blew up in my face. She started going out more, disappearing…etc. She started acting like one would think a teenager would act. During the breakup, she only speaks of her flaws and how she just wants time to figure out her life and see who she is without me. A lot has been said by her, and it’s all left me confused. After initiating NC, I am more clear headed about my role in the breakup, but she is in such a crisis at the moment, I am not sure if she’ll realize what and how she can improve in order to live a healthy life and have a great relationship. I’ve told her a lot throughout the early stage of the breakup that she is amazing, and she has a lot to feel good about. She has two degrees, she’s smart, she has charisma, and she is going to eventually make an awesome mother. I just feel like between growing up being ridiculed by her parents, and her hitting 29 and not feeling like she’s done much in life, I’m going to have a hard time winning her back.

I helped her through school and encouraged her to keep going, but I didn’t achieve much when it came to school. I feel like she judged me for that and it helped with her feeling of not being able to achieve the life she wanted. I molded myself to her life, which backfired, essentially. A quarter life crisis can last for a long time, from my understanding. If I make it through the NC stage, I’m not sure it will work due to her not being able to work on herself because of what I believe is her Quarter life crisis behavior. A sense of being somewhat wreckless, young, wild and free…and changing all the exterior things like her job, car and place of residence. She’s said enough to reinforce my belief that a crisis wasn’t the whole cause, but it was definitely a big part of it.

4

I understand your point and I believe the same happened to me. Even though she wouldn’t ever admit that she was upset about not having a family or being married I think that played a role. She is also turning 29 this year and I think all her friends having kids and getting married upset her. We had a good think for along time, but neither one of us could really financially make the next step. It wasn’t just one of use holding back but both. We never really had a talk about the next step or what we both wanted in life ( a big regret i still have after 4 months). I just felt since we couldn’t take the next step how i could never bring it up. Once we broke up and we met a few times, I told her what i wanted in life and that I always wanted to get married and have a family together and she said he never knew what I wanted because we didn’t ever talk about it, but i believe it was too late.

I also understand the I don’t know when she will get better and become happy. It is really weird how someone can get so down and things can wear on them. I saw it happening toward the end and I also wasn’t in the best place. We can never be happy unless we both get better and I am there now and she even said she realizes this. I know she is not better yet, and like she said she really doesn’t know how long its going to take her. She even told me that I don’t have to wait for her to get better because she just doesn’t know how long it will take and it isn’t fair to me. She has said she doesn’t want to lead me on. I so badly want to be there for her now and help her through this, but I know she wants to do it solo and that hurts me.

During the breakup, she only speaks of her flaws and how she just wants time to figure out her life and see who she is without me

This is exactly the same for my ex. It really is crazy that it is identical. Do you hold any hope for a reunion?

5

I do hold hope for a reunion. My ex came to me after about a month and asked if I wanted to work on things. I didn’t know about NC at the time or even how to go about a breakup. It’s my first time in over a decade I’ve been in a breakup! Anyway, she said she pictured a family and children with me. We had spent almost a week together in total, and she started spending the night. But I could see something was still disconnected. At times, she gives me the same loving stare, she tells me she loves me, she wants to touch my thigh or hold my hand in the car, etc. Then at other times, she speaks like a robot. Like she isn’t really on the same emotional level as before.

The day after speaking to me about family and marriage, she spoke to her rebound girl and then broke things off with me again. It was day 1 all over again. I broke down. I didn’t know how to stay strong after the second time she came in my door and said she had feelings for someone else and that she didn’t want to pursue things with me. She contacted me a couple days later and we went to see a movie. She paid for everything, but I told her it’s not right because this isn’t a date. She gave a cute smile and look and said ‘I know’…but she was attempting to make it a date. She then mentioned in a convo about having a child with me. I turned that down as well. Then when she left me, I broke down again. I cried to her and told her it’s too painful to see her say she loves me, give me the same loving looks and touches…even still calling me baby…then she walks out on me. She kissed me all over my face and body as she said sorry, but it was so empty. Like it was just something to say. No real meaning behind it. So, I told her to go. And that’s when I started NC.

My point in telling you all of that is that her behavior… her confusion…is enough for me to give it one final shot after NC. I haven’t set a time limit on NC because I need her to see that this rebound girl is just a rebound. I also need time to fix myself. The breakup was hurtful, and one of the bad things I did while she came to me with getting back together was I talked about everything that happened constantly…and I don’t trust her at the moment so I would let her know. I think my doubt helped her doubt evolve and she doubted her own honesty and actions…thus, she backed off. So, next time…I will be in a better place emotionally and mentally to deal with being around her. I also hope that she will be in a better position to know exactly what she wants. I have to let it all ride out. So yeah… I do have hope. Even better, I have faith.

Yeah… the things both of our exes have said are spot on each other. I’m sure there are plenty of people going through this type of thing. It can’t be easy for them either. To suddenly doubt everything about your life because you became unhappy…looked around and realized something just wasn’t right anymore. I think it’s important to understand the place they are at, and in the meantime, we have time to explore our own minds and hearts. In the end though, if NC doesn’t work and our exes don’t come back to us, we are still better people as result. I’m taking NC very serious in terms of it being a time for reflection and dedication to myself and what I need and want. I worry about my ex’s well being, but I worry about mine more now. Even right after the breakup and she broke my heart, I was still concerned with what she needed. How she was feeling. That’s not normal. That speaks volumes about who and what I had become in the relationship. I molded myself to her and revolved around her life. If there was something about my life she didn’t like, I was willing to change it without a fight. A good relationship is where both people have their own identities outside of each other, but can bring those identities together to form a beautiful union. Overtime, we lost that. Her issues with jealousy, insecurity and paranoia developed issues for me to where I had anxiety if I spoke to other people around her. If she walked into the door, I felt anxiety because I didn’t know if she was going to find something wrong with anything. That’s how bad it got. I’m glad that relationship ended. It wasn’t healthy for either one of us. All I can do now is become a confident, charismatic person again; and show my ex we can have happy, loving days that far outweigh anything that’s happened in the past. Then again, she also has to do some soul searching. And that’s what will make or break the outcome, I feel.

6

It is good that you have hope still, I also have some hope, but not as much as I did in the first two and a half months. I still think about her a lot and wonder if she is thinking about me. I really like a lot of things you wrote and agree with so much of it. Becoming a more confident person is something I am working towards as well and have showed her this side of me.

I’m on 3 weeks today of NC. We talked a lot the first 2 and a half months and even saw each other in July a few times. This is the first month that I have gone NC. I don’t know what will happen but it is something that has to be done.

I hope things work out for you. I never heard of a quarter life crisis, but I can relate to your situation.

7

Mike,

Definitely work on being confident. Confident (not cocky) people are generally more attractive. I’ve seen some of the most physically unattractive people carry themselves with such confidence, that they attract my attention. Even if you’re not feeling very confident, act like it. My confidence was so low at the point of breakup, that I had no idea if I was worth another breath of air. It was terrible.

I had to restart NC today. So I am on day 1. Yesterday, after 5 days of NC, I had to text her about something to do with the security deposit on the house I rent. I ignored her advances for communication after that and today. I did, however, get the chance to tell her that I need space and time to deal with the breakup, etc. It was a short and to the point statement. Now, here I go again.

I still have fear that NC won’t work, but all I can do is keep the faith!

I am sure she still thinks about you. Even if you became her worst enemy, she’d still think of you (at least from time to time). It’s not easy to remove people from your mind, even if they’ve been removed from your life. Especially if you become close to them on an intimate level.
I hope the best for you too, love.
Chin up. :slight_smile:

8

It really is tough. Feeling down especially in the beginning is the worst. Even now after these months I have my sad moments. I don’t necessary think that you by the definition of this site really broke NC. You kept it light and didn’t talk about the break. It appears you are on a good track with your life and that is great. It’s also good to see you are getting your confidence back. How long were the two of you together and how many months before the break did you start to notice her changing and this crisis take effect?

The weird thing is that we never became each other’s worst enemy or had any big fights. We were together for 8 years so yea she probably does still think about me. We had many great times and memories. She really was my best friend and not just someone I loved.

9

My ex and I were together for 12yrs. About three or four months before the concrete actions of breaking up occurred is when she started to change. She stopped speaking to me about her feelings. I tried to empathize, but she kept exhibiting bad behavior that wasn’t healthy for our relationship. Then, I started contributing to the bullshit that was dragging us down as a result. I didn’t know how to handle her complete cut off as an intimate partner. Eight years is a long time, friend. There’s a lot of good in there that she will eventually reflect on. Give her time. And give yourself time. It’s emotionally draining for everyone involved. It’s hard, I know. Everyone makes statements and it seems so easy…but we all know it’s hard as hell.

You were with your ex for a really long time. So many couples don’t make it that long. And if you didn’t have any big fights, etc… then I’d say you have a great chance.

10

I can definitely understand and sympathize with your situation. I feel like most of what you have said is what I been going thru and went through. I think out of everyone I talked to on these message board we have the most in common. I can relate so much and others don’t understand because they don’t have as long Of a history as we did with someone. It’s so hard to separate yourself from someone that you were with for so many years. Everything you do now you still feel intertwined with that person. Throughout the day so many small things come up that remind you of something. I still get the notion to text her about something that happened in that day to talk, but catch myself. It was such a routine to share everything with that person or talk about your likes with them. We still have magazine subscriptions. Ones she ordered for me and likewise that we get every month.

When you say she shut down a few months b4, the same happened for me. We didn’t argue over it, we both just shut down and stopped having serious conversations. We didn’t talk about what was bothering us,but we both knew we were not happy with certain insecurities individually. I didn’t lose my love for her, I just wasn’t well and she wasn’t well and it put a strain on us. I understood completely when she said she needed time to be selfish and work on herself. The only problem was something good happned for me right away and I got better fast. At this point I wanted to be there to help her and understood my mistake in not being there at the end. I showed her my positive side and she thanked me many times and said I wish you were like this the previous few months in showing
support, but she wasn’t well and needed to do it on her own explains she doesn’t know what will happen in the future.

And you are so right about others not understand and think its easy. They are not the ones who have to deal with the separation of a loved one who you spent so many years with growing and living you lives together.

11

You know what? It’s also because we were with them for so many years that we have a good chance. You probably have more a chance than I. My ex is extremely selfish and hasn’t shown sympathy for her actions (Like jumping right into bed with someone and lying about it, treating me bad, etc) and she straight up told me she doesn’t regret it. That’s why I think I am going to do way more than 30 days of NC. I’m only about a week in, but I still feel a lot of pain when I think about what she’s done. Asking myself, how can she go off the deep end like that? It’s always been me and her against the world! Sometimes, people do things as a result of stress and feelings of deep insecurity. That’s why during NC we need to focus only on ourselves. If we concentrate on fixing ourselves in whatever way we can only to hopefully change them, we have codependency issues…and that’s not a good thing. Create your own independent life. Cancel the magazine subscriptions. Change the way your home looks. Buy different bed sheets. It will help you. It helped me. The only place I still go that we both agreed to go for breakfast every Friday…is Dennys. I go every couple of weeks…but not on Friday. Besides that, I avoid places and things we did frequently together, as much as I can anyway.

You should look up some of the books I have suggested for reading. Even if we weren’t married to our exes, we were still on very long-term committed relationships that were like a marriage. Those books will help you understand more about yourself, and maybe even enlighten you about serious issues that you have never recognized. When people go through a crisis like quarter-life crisis, it can take them a very long time to snap out of it. Especially if feelings of depression set in with them.

It’s good that you showed her your positive side. And her thanking you and wishing it was there before…well, that’s her at least letting you know she likes it a bit… so keep it up!! When the time comes, you can show her that it wasn’t an act, but it’s a serious step toward bettering yourself. Hopefully, all the positive changes will show her that she can feel secure and have a new outlook on an everlasting relationship with you.

My ex texted me today. I posted about it in another thread in No contact. I never replied. I don’t know what to day, or if I should say anything. I think she thinks my no contact means I am angry with her. I’m not angry anymore. Still hurt, but not angry. Idk if I should let her know that or not.

Hope your day is well,

Suzy

12

I read you other posts and I will definitely respond tomorrow. I had a very long work day and just got home. I am spent and would feel bad giving a half a$$ response to you. I didn’t want you to think I’m it ignoring your posts. Hope your day has been well

13

I’ll be on tomorrow looking for your reply. :slight_smile:

I do have to make a correction though. I was looking at my ex’s texts again…and I was severely pissed off after thinking about them in depth. She has no remorse or sense of wrong doing at all. Pisses me off! Hopefully, eventually, she will.

14

Hey Suzy,

Hope you Saturday is going well. I had a chance to read your posts.

“I love you. Life is too short. I just started my day off with a death of a young lady. She only lived a month after finding out that she had cancer. Anything could happen to you or I and I just hope that things can smooth out quickly so we can be in each others life again. Tomorrow is not promised. I hope you are having a good day. Love you!”

When it comes to this quote, I believe she is torn in her thinking. She realizes she misses you, but is that enough to be back together? For her to say I love you is confusing to me. In what way does she love you? I do think explaining to her you are not made at some point isn’t a bad idea and explain how you are working on bettering yourself. I think it is fair to tell her

My mode of thinking on friend zone is that when you are with someone as long as we were, I don’t believe you can be just friends after a break. The history is to long to stop being lovers and start being friends only. If that is to happen it has to come way down the line and maybe years later. I think for me their will always be too many feeling for me to just be her friend. I will always see her as more than a friend and couldn’t put myself in that situations cause it would hurt to much. I guess every situation is different however.

I’m somewhat surprised that she jumped into a relationship so fast with someone. If she was struggling with insecurities and such I would think she wouldn’t be so open to putting herself out there. I dont believe she will be with that person long if she going through the crisis. At some point she will realize she needs to work on herself and have to do it solo. I am no expert however. I feel bad that you felt the brunt of her struggle and that she wasn’t so nice to you.

“When people go through a crisis like quarter-life crisis, it can take them a very long time to snap out of it. Especially if feelings of depression set in with them.”

This fits my ex perfectly. I do believe it’s going to take her a long time to snap out of it. It’s been 4 months now and the last time I saw her she said she is only a little bit better. When I saw her brother he said to me that she still isn’t happy. I don’t know what it’s going to take for her to get better and I guess I can’t let it bother me, but in reality it does. I often think when I stopped reaching out she felt like she had to as well. She did say originally that she really doesn’t know how long it was going to take her and that I don’t have to wait for her. I don’t think she knows what is going to happen.

I have more to say and will write more maybe tomorrow.

15

Even when she says, “I love you” in person…it’s with a deep loving stare. In the beginning she would say it like she used to, but then would say, “But there’s a disconnect. I feel differently about you and us. I love you…and always will. I’m just not in love with you.”

As far as the insecurity thing goes… this rebound fed her ego. She made her feel good, and they connected in a way that made my ex feel good. That’s all it took. It’s sad she is that weak, but hey… we are all built differently and handle things differently.

She said she wanted to maintain space between us because she wanted to work on herself for at least a year. She wants to know who she is without me. Then, she turned around and began a “relationship” with the rebound. I called her out on it, and eventually she did say that a relationship is the last thing she wants. So, she slowed down her interaction with the rebound. But she’s said a lot of things…and she’s so confused and messed up that I can’t believe much of anything she says.

I tried to be super understanding and even made excuses for everything she did and the lies she fed me, but now it comes down to THERE ARE NO EXCUSES.

Time will tell if she can give clear and logical reasons. If not, then to hell with her. That’s not anger talking. That’s just me realizing I deserve better than what she’s given me the last 6 months.

16

I have tried to stop doing a lot of things we did together. Many of the things we enjoyed together I no longer do because I still get an upsetting feeling. I won’t cancel the subscription to the magazine I got her. It was a present to her and it ends at the end of the year. She gets one every two weeks lol and I kind if feel good knowing she gets it and it’s a reminder of me.

I’m not really sure what to say to you about how your ex is making you feel. I have a hard time personally showing someone I care about anger. I can’t imagine how frustrating it has been for you. It really stinks that a person can change and that she isn’t giving you the respect you deserve. It can’t be easy being treated unfairly by her. I hope one day she does realize what she did. You seem like a very nice and genuine person and don’t deserve this esp from someone you were with for so long.

“That’s just me realizing I deserve better than what she’s given me the last 6 months.” You have to do what is best for you and like you said become a confident perfect. I know you still have hope for a reunion and it makes total sense because of the length of your relationship with her. It’s hard after such a lengthy time of being with someone to really picture starting over and because you still have love for her. Starting over after such a long relationship is something that really scares me. I built and put so much into a relationship and now it’s all gone and I’m finding it hard to move on more then a night with a girl. I just haven’t met anyone that I feel any connection with more than superficial looks. My ex was a really good girl and I find it hard after the few I met to imagine meeting someone better.

If you think you and your ex will reunite, how do you think it would happen?

As this NC continues for me I find it hard to imagine a situation where she reaches out to reunite. I feel like she now will think since I haven’t reached out that I have moved on without her… I know a stupid thought b/c she’s the one who walked away. Sometimes I wish she wasn’t as nice during this breakup because I never got any closure from her.

I hope you had a nice weekend Suzy

17

Hey Mike,

Sorry it took me so long to get this reply to you. I had written a novel, and then it was deleted. :frowning: So here goes again,

Yeah, when my ex first refused to come back to the relationship, I fought her on it and one of the first things that I’d say is, “you don’t walk away from 12yr!” I also felt like the love could be rekindled in the current state we were in. NC has allowed me to understand it’s not that simple. Twelve years is a long time to just throw away, but if it gets unhealthy…then it is important to walk away. Also, in a bad situation…no one can really concentrate on rekindling the love because, at least for me, I’d only concentrate on how she hurt me. Nothing would get accomplished.

I feel the same as you in terms of not imagining finding someone we can connect with in the same way. My ex has so many great qualities, and I can only imagine having babies and marriage with her. She feels the same about me. We had a conversation the other night, and she told me that everyone else is a “dumb dumb” compared to me. She said I’m all she ever wanted in a partner, but she feels like something is missing. I asked her to make a list of things that make her happy, and that I would do the same. We then compared the list and they were exactly the same. A bit later, she told me to let her come over and make love to me. During the phone conversation, she told me she felt the same as she used to… I played it cool, and I told her space and time is what will allow us to heal and forgive. That trying to connect now wouldn’t work.

If we reunite, it will be at least a year down the road. It will be when I can think about everything without feeling so much pain, and when I think she’s matured and really evaluated her actions and feelings. I’ll then plant the seed, if I am still in love with her, and we’ll go from there. I will NOT get my hopes up, though. I believe I can fix the disconnect, but at times…I don’t even think I want to…

You may have to be the one to try and reunite, but that’s not a bad thing. And I don’t think she will have it in her head that you forgot about her or are moving on. There is no way she isn’t missing you, and yeah…the magazines will probably keep you in her mind. lol

Closure may never come, and it’s unfortunate if it doesn’t. Just take steps to be prepared for that, and be okay with it if you never get it.

Have a good one!
Suzy

18

Thank you for your response Suzy. It has been awhile now since we last posted, I hope all is well with you and life is great. I don’t even know if you come on here anymore, but I still wanted to reach out and say hello. It has been great hearing the things you have had to said and I found comfort in your responses.

19

Hey there, SuzyLou and Mike2014 have described everything my boyfriend is going through. It’s good to know that it wasn’t me but he did say sudden success made him realise that he wasn’t ambitious enough and that he needs to find himself and be able to do things without worrying about me or anyone else’s feelings. Thanks you 2, I needed to read this. So applicable years later.