Please read, all advice will be taken on board!!

reconciliation
1

Hi all, I’ll be honest right from the start, I have never been the person to use forums full stop, never mind one trying to win back my ex, however at the moment she is the only thought in my mind from morning until night and the current lockdown makes it even harder.

I’m 29, she is 31, we would of been together 2 years next month, the first year and half were absolutely amazing, couldn’t of wished to have met a nicer girl, I’m not saying she isn’t nice now but she has changed, become more head strong, we never argued but I feel I would do little things that would annoy her that I thought nothing of but she wouldn’t say anything but instead bottle lots of little things up and every now and again throw them all at me at once instead of dealing with the little problems at the time, she has 2 children who I love very much and who love me very much (I hope) she said that i weren’t supportive enough by going to watch school concerts etc, but at times i couldn’t (work etc) she felt like she was in the relationship on her own and i wasn’t supportive, none of us ever raised our voice to each other, no violence nothing, in February we had a bit of a falling out, just to say again, through out the whole time, there have never been a voice raised, so February she says she can’t do it anymore, I am sad, I tell her how much I love her, anyway I go and collect my stuff, leave my laptop for her to do her university work on, I’m not spiteful, so I go but we still message everyday, not arguing just general messaging, she tells me she wants to be friends, at this point I’m sad but think being her friend is better than nothing, time goes by, she invites me over to see her and the boys, all getting on well, nothing sexual with her just the odd kiss…the just friends stuff starts getting me down to I say to her where is this going, I’m sorry but I can’t just be your friend, I love you too much so I can’t only be your friend…she breaks down crying, so do I, we cry, I comfort her for an hour whilst still crying and she asks me to leave, reluctantly I do…she messages to see if I got home safe and apologises for asking me to leave the way that she did, I said no worries I can understand you’re upset and you weren’t being nasty, this is about a week into March all this had happened…anyway I leave her be for a week, I go no contact, but she would message me saying she’d felt like I had died, she was sad, I didn’t reply, anyway after a week I reply, we start talking…a few days before lock down she sends me a message saying I just want to know if you want to come over when we’re both free and have a chat to see if we can work us out, I said yes that will be great and thank you, we still message and facetime, anyway the night I was meant to go and see her, lockdown happened so we both agreed that it would have to wait but we still messaged, in this time she has told me that she loves me and misses me etc, all nice stuff, we make plans for after it for all 4 of us…but again she has gone cold during lock down so I have asked why have you changed your tone again and she said I haven’t, we are just friends, so I say I can’t do this anymore, I have to leave you alone because it hurts too much, she replies can’t you just wait a bit longer, feels like men come into my life just to leave, my Dad did and now you, I agree to not stop messaging her and I will support her if she is feeling low, I have been to the shops for her, left them on her doorstep, done all the right things but she has gone so cold on me again, just seems like there is no spark for her anymore, I asked her when she broke up with me and I left her alone, why didn’t she just let me go, I feel like she kept me as a comfort blanket until she got over the break up and now she is stronger she doesn’t want to know me, there is nothing that I could of done in this lockdown to have messed things up, I even wrote her a handwritten letter which she should receive tomorrow, just about our relationship, the good times, how much they all mean to me and that I don’t dislike her for any of this but that i am sad that it has come to this

Sorry if this is long and if anything doesn’t make much sense let me know and I will try and explain better, thank you in advance

2

@DRL123 Almost 2 years of mostly good times/memories with her and her 2 children means history and emotional attachment for all of you. She states you weren’t supportive and in February, there was a bit of a falling out. Could you explain this falling out?

You visit her in early March and after that go no contact? I understand you don’t really want to be her “friend”, but by not contacting her for a week, it reinforces her thoughts about you not being supportive and also made it look like you did it (no contact) to retaliate. And to make it worse, you ignore her message saying she was sad etc…

You wrote:“a few days before lock down she sends me a message saying I just want to know if you want to come over when we’re both free and have a chat to see if we can work us out, I said yes that will be great…” You think she’s gone cold, you ask why she changed her tone and she says you’re just friends, then you told her you can’t do this anymore. OMG!! You should have been more patient! You could have been nice until you two have the talk about trying to reconcile (best in person, but even over the phone would be okay). Of course she wouldn’t be warmer with you until you work things out. But instead you agree to stop messaging her. No wonder she feels abandoned. No doubt you hurt her emotionally by what you’ve done! You should have been more patient and understanding! NO, SHE IS NOT USING YOU AS A COMFORT BLANKET!

It’s very sweet of you do do some shopping for her and I’m very sure she appreciates it. I don’t know exactly what you told her in the letter, but I’m sure she will appreciate it except for the part where you say you “don’t dislike her for any of this but that i am sad that it has come to this” My gosh! You just keep making the situation worse.

It seems you’re more concerned with your feelings than hers.

Sorry to be so blunt, but if you want another chance, you need to have a sincere calm talk with her to find out exactly why she feels unloved/unsupported AND what you can do to improve the situation!

3

@patrucia12 firstly can I just say thank you so so much for the reply!!

The falling out in February was her being cold towards me for a while, she would bring up things from the past that I hadn’t done but we had since got past, so basically firing old shots at me.

In early March I was so cut up about just being her friend, I was still in love with her very much but I wouldn’t be allowed to cuddle her or kiss her so I explained that this ‘friends’ situation was just hurting, how can she expect me to be friends after almost 2 years in a loving relationship, as long as we were friends she wasn’t hurting but I was so i said i will give you space and went no contact as I’d read to make her miss me and want me back, I got back to her, I felt happy that she missed me and we were back being loving towards each other (so I thought) but when anything was said, not trying anything sexual but she would throw the just friends in pretty quickly, I feel like I have done the best that I can to make her want me but I feel that she is now out of love with me, this week we have messaged back and forth a few times, nothing about me and her but mostly how she is getting on with her university work and the boys, but she will always just abruptly stop replying to me.

She hardly replies to me now so I know there would be no chance of her being prepared to have a phone call with me, I know that she would of received the letter by now but no mention that she has when we have messaged.

I would do anything to have her back and I honestly would be a new guy by making her happy and more supportive, she is my girl, I just feel it is too late, it is a very true saying, 'you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone,

Your message wasn’t blunt, just honest and I appreciate that, any further help would be appreciated,

Thank you

4

Right, this is a difficult one. Luckily I can relate because I’m going through almost the exact same thing. Quarantine has turned our girls cold ?.

She is a tricky one. Personally I think the hand written note was a mistake, and I’m not sure she will reply. As you know and have found out as soon as you start opening up and supporting them too much, they turn off. I don’t understand why either. How far are you into no contact? I’m 7 days in. You gotta make sure you arent posting much on facebook especially not relating to the break up. If you do get to the stage of seeing her again, dont mention the past and don’t ask where it’s going like before, they don’t seem to respond well to that.

It’s a shame about the letter because if you weren’t far into no contact then they was a bit killer but we will just have to roll with that for now

5

@DRL123 I slightly disagree with Jackzzv. The letter was okay except for the last part, but perhaps you sent it too soon after the breakup.

She needs time to sort through her thoughts and feelings. You need to understand and respect that it’s normal for a woman who has issues with a man to seem cold until those issues are resolved! She doesn’t “expect” you to be a friend, but she wants you to understand that she can’t display the same warmth as if you two were still in a loving relationship. I feel strongly that she still loves you and during this difficult time she doesn’t want you to abandon her! She wants you to give her time to work through her own feelings and also work together at some point to try and reconcile.

Since the breakup was so recent, have patience and be accepting and appreciative of the casual contacts. Don’t ignore her, but perhaps don’t contact her too often. Yes, it might be too soon for a phone call to discuss making amends, unless she brings it up. Hang in there and continue to be sweet and caring:)

It’s NOT too late. Remember, ‘absence often makes the heart grow fonder’.

Good luck…

6

Thanks for the messages both

I don’t have Facebook or any social media so I won’t be on there trying to make her jealous, it is not my style anyway, I just feel at the moment if two people are meant to be together they will always find a way back together.

I will be around to support her if she wants to message or even a chat, I am not currently doing no contact but I have replied not so long ago to her message, so it’s basically we are replying to each other but not very quickly, so I don’t know if this is a good thing or bad, the messages haven’t been about us, just about general work etc

I hope you are right Patricia that she still loves me and misses me but in all honesty, the ball is with her, I won’t force or rush her into a decision but she will have to be the one to want to work things out, I feel from my point of view that I have done and said enough things to prove to her that I love her and want to be with her

Thanks again

7

DR, you’re already doing the right thing. She wants to stay in contact, this where you do what you’re doing and don’t be pushy, just let it flow. You know what you’re doing. You’re in a much better position than nost people, at least she hasn’t said I don’t want to talk to you anymore so I can get over you.

8

I hope so, I will not bother her by keeping on but I also won’t bother her by not replying if she messages me, she knows how I feel about her and the boys so like I say ‘you can’t make someone be with you’ even if you could, why would you want someone there that doesn’t want to be, I don’t want that, keep the advice coming and I will keep updating

Thanks,

DR

9

I sent her a message saying I feel sad that we never had the chance to have that chat that she wanted to see if we could work things out, her reply was I don’t know whether I’m sad or grateful, it might of turned nasty

10

@DRL123 OMG! You wrote:“I sent her a message saying I feel sad that we never had the chance to have that chat that she wanted to see if we could work things out”. That sounded so negative!! YOU feel sad? Again, it’s all about you. Instead of writing that, you should have written that you were looking forward to having the chat sometime…

It seems you’re making no effort to improve the situation, but you’re making it worse. I can totally understand her response to your message.

11

Big error unfortunately, you shouldn’t have been writing a message at all. The closest thing you should have written was what Patricia said but even then, no contact right now was so important

12

And I agree with Patricia, you can’t make it about you, unfortunately it is all about them… might seem a little extreme but that is just from experience

13

@jackzzv121 Hi:) She is the one who broke up with him and later she wanted to know if they could have a chat to see if they could work things out! The virus shutdown prevented them getting together in person to do that.

She seemed upset with what he wrote the last time, so maybe he shouldn’t initiate contact for a while so she can cool off.

But if she initiates something, I think he should respond and be nicer to her.

14

Update guys, we talked and obviously we came back up into conversation, I told her that I respect her wishes to not have me in her life anymore and I will leave her be, she didn’t like that, she sent 4 messages without response and said to me I can’t believe that I am leaving her?? She ended it with me but yet I’m the one leaving her, can anyone understand that??

15

I only said I respect her wishes because she was still standing strong on there being no chance

16

@DRL123 “we talked and obviously we came back up into conversation” Who initiated the conversation?

“February she says she can’t do it anymore” & “she tells me she wants to be friends” She also wanted to have a chat about how to fix things! She is the one who left the relationship!

“I told her that I respect her wishes to not have me in her life anymore and I will leave her be” She didn’t say she didn’t want you in her life, did she? She said she wanted to be friends and have a chat. By saying you will leave her be, you’re rejecting friendship and a chat & giving up on the possibility to try and reconcile!

You did things to annoy her during the relationship which she would bottle up (probably because she knew talking with you is futile- like talking to a brick wall) and you continue to say things to her that would aggravate any woman. So it seems you don’t know how to properly interact with a woman. And you apparently know nothing about conflict resolution.

You are leaving her in that you gave up and didn’t even have the patience to try to work things out with her which shows you don’t care at all about her thoughts and feelings, only your own…

By everything you’ve written, I’m now of the opinion that she would be better off without you!

17

Hey, this is tricky. What was the last thing you said to her? I wouldn’t carry on ignoring her but keep her at a bit of distance. Say to her you just want her to be good…and I’m not leaving you, I’m just trying to listen to you.

It’s hard to word but don’t carry on ignoring her, try and make hrr laugh and reassure her, just try not to talk about the past. I know it’s difficult… I’m stuck in 10 days no contact initiated by her… funny thing is most people on here have more of a chance than me ?

18

Maybe you’re right that she would be better off without me, I have tried and tried, hurts me too much to be ignored and picked up and put down when it suits her, if she really loves me and cares for me she will swallow her pride and message me, I swallowed all my pride and she kept on throwing it in my face, I never did anything majorly wrong in the first place for it to happen, if she comes back she comes back, if she can’t find it in her heart to reconcile then so be it, I never said anything nasty, it can’t be a one way street, my letter wasn’t even acknowledged even though she told me she received it, I think if people are meant to be together they will find a way back no matter what

19

I didn’t carry on ignoring her, I said the last thing, she had told me previously that she didn’t want the chat anymore for no reason at all, I ain’t chasing her anymore, she knows how I felt about her, it is down to her whether she changes her mind, no man or woman should have to chase and tip toe around someone, it is weak and unattractive, there are only two outcomes, they either want you or they don’t, leave them alone and you will get your answer after time if you really mean as much to them as they do to you

20

I tried replying before and I have half forgot what I said but here goes.

Yeah this is a tricky one. I don’t understand why she is getting mad about you not being in her life when she done this? She clearly wants to talk to you.

I’d wait for her to say hey again and just talk about normal things, try not to bring up the past but just show her you are trying to be involved with her but not too much…she dumped you right? So she can’t expect you to be all over her.

If it’s gonna work you’ve gotta remind her why she got with you in the first place. You’ve got to create good feelings and good times. Just listen to her and talk to her if she is willing to talk but don’t get emotional yourself or have a go at her