Should’ve just said my parents were going to be around or something instead of being all vague, then admitting I couldn’t face it I think.
I got a text back:
“Hello, thank you replying. That’s ok, I understand. I’m afraid I really can’t next weekend as I have plans with family and the girls from uni. What about the weekend afterwards? Xxx”
What do you think this means?
The first thing I worry is that it’s Valentine’s day next weekend. Worry doesn’t even describe it. Is she seeing someone else?
Now the part of the conversation she had with my friend “I thought we were already over” seems more pertinent than the head or heart part.
Feel like I should have seen her this weekend. What about flowers for Valentine’s? Probably too needy.
Hello.
Here is a crazy thought. Maybe it means that she had plans with family and friends. Were you ever into valentines?
She hardly had a fella when she was crying not so long ago.
Or maybe she is playing the game. Women are clever. She took her time. You said no to this weekend. She says no to next. And maybe she is afraid because it’s valentines. Take up the offer for the next weekend. You have 2 weeks to be a new Charlie then. Reply tomorrow to her. Give a Good space until you reply.
2 weeks Charlie. Lots of time to work on you
So I replied an hour ago. She replied straight away. Asking again where. I said home for a christening then a trip. She asked where. She made a guess at London to visit a good mate. I said I dont know.
Was time to end the chat. So I said I was just gone from dinner. Tired. Good night.
She gets her answer on the trip. But I throw another teaser in with the dinner.
She just text again. Wants to meet after the exams. That’s in 2 weeks too.
We will help each other through these weeks. Ok? Guide each other. This is our chance
She never celebrated it before us, at least that’s what she said before we had our first one. I always made sure we did something, even if it was just a special dinner I made at home.
You’re right. I need to get a grip if I’m honest. It’s part of my problem. Always ignoring what’s in front of me and listening to my thoughts instead. I can’t do anything either way, and I wouldn’t want to be a part of it if it were the case anyway. It’s another two weeks that freaks me, but I should use them constructively, as opposed to how I’ve spent the last three or so. Maybe this is the test.
I can’t believe the results you’re getting Patrick. An instant reply says so much, let alone it’s content. Maybe you’re finally getting back to where you were at the start of your relationship, she wants to know about you. Who you are. Play it cool man. I think this is your opportunity to move things on from friends, so don’t give too much right away. You know that anyway I’m sure. Don’t reply to the meeting text tonight.
I have to thank you, it sounds crazy but you’ve really helped me a lot, more than anyone I have around me has honestly. Looks like you’ve helped others too. Everyone has been giving me ‘instant’ advice, emotionally charged advice. I get that I can’t see it that way if it’s to work at all.
Funny that isn’t it. I went to visit my friend before I found this site and was able to help him repair his relationship troubles simply from what I had learned from my mistakes.
What an odd coincidence that we’ll with any luck be meeting them around the same time. Please keep me updated with the contact you two have. I imagine my contact will be sparse but I’d love to hear about yours.
I’ll keep you updated for sure. I get this chat sent to my emails so I can usually reply and update you.
He last message was actually; “good night. Would be cool to meet you after the exams”.
No I will not reply. Gives her a reason to text again. She will probably all in the next few days when we can meet or something. It is hard I’ll admit to not reply straight away and get sucked in. So I make a point to wait at least a half hour before replying. It’s usually longer. I left it 6 hours today. And I won’t wish her good luck for the exams. Not unless she asks something. But I’ve said it enough times anyway.
2 weeks sounds like a long time. It’s not really. Have you got work? Or studying or what? Singeing to occupy the days. The evenings are tough. Do some exercise. Go for a jog and so on. It clears the head. Jog on grass if you can. Don’t be like me. My legs are destroyed from jogging on the roads every day when I was your age.
And you should try some meditation. And another thing. Your mind is not you. Think about that over the next few days. Your mind is not you. You are your body and the brain that keeps it going. But your mind is this other thing that creates random thoughts and emotions and feelings. It throws things things up at us. It’s not us making these things up. The mind does that. So when it throws up thoughts like everything is going to be a disaster, then just remember that it is your mind doing that. Not you.
This will take a few days to sink in, to understand. Maybe a better example; you know when you stand on a Bridge or up high somewhere and suddenly your mind says jump. I wonder what it’s like? That is not you actively creating that idea. That is your mind. And we can’t control or mind, but if we understand it better, we can control or actions and reactions. We can say that that right was ridiculous. Go away.
This sounds crazy but think about that. Another thing. Spend some time thinking about time and the concept of time. How we cannot undo the past so why be bothered by it. It’s done. If we constantly look back grappling for something that has happened and is gone then time will move on and leave us behind. I think this is what happened in your relationship. You have to now look forward. The future is coming. You can’t stop that. But you can enjoy it and have a certain amount of control on it. I think that there are an infinite number of paths that we can take in life. Stay on your path. Stay on it for you. She will walk alongside you on hers if you let time do its thing. Enjoy and look forward to what is coming and you will head into the future together. But by looking back for answers you will get left behind and she will move on. You will be out of step. And she will get further along her path and therefore farther away.
Sorry about the typos. I use the phone and it writes some awful trash sometimes.
It is an odd coincidence that we will meet them on the same weekend.
You sound like a man that likes to read? Check out Eckhart tolle: the power of now.
Just read in general. It helps you use your own imagination, create your own thoughts. Eat healthy (that’s one I’m not great at), and keep active. Even walking. Walking is good.
No need to thank me. I had people helping me. I hope it does help you in the long run and I’m not encourage you to make a mess of things. But a bit of space for you 2 for a few weeks will be good for you both. Ease the tension a bit.
Funny that, I have The Power Of Now on my shelf. Need to give it a go.
I’m a project manager at a web design company. I work with a really fantastic group of people, but the job is quite difficult as it’s mainly complaints. The workload is always pretty high too. Normally it would be water off a duck’s back, but it’s been getting me down a lot recently. I’m thinking about some unpaid leave next week just to try and get my head together.
This morning was bad, I dreamt she was ‘going to space’ (instead of going abroad I guess) and wouldn’t be able to ever see me again, but she was resolute in her decision to do so.
This evening hasn’t been amazing so far. I keep thinking that actually the heated emotion could’ve allowed me to say the things I wanted to and be heard. I feel like I actually made the decision to make things more casual by not seeing her. Like the situation wasn’t as dire as I thought, and yes I’ll be calmer now, but is that actually better? It’s better for me, but what about our relationship?
I haven’t text back, but thought about saying:
“Thank you. Sure thing, weekend after will be nice. That sounds like an excellent weekend, I hope you have fun. You know I miss you, right? Xxx”
Where do you work? Any more news from your end?
Hello. No news from my end. Wasn’t expecting any more for a few days. I work as a civil engineer for a property company that belongs to the state. So or department keep the buildings in order and if something goes wrong we get it sorted. I’m only there a month so learning still.
You think you have made things worse. But not long ago she was saying that if she came to you it definitely would not be too patch things up. It couldn’t have gotten any worse. Since that she has been thinking. She has been crying.
Play hard ball. She isn’t going anywhere soon. If she texts again then maybe say enjoy your weekend. See you the following one. Don’t bother with the missing her. Then you are back to square one. Running after her didn’t work before. Why would it now? But make your own decisions at the end of the day. You know she is missing you and thinking about you. She was crying. You need to get her to want you back. And she didn’t just days ago. So you need a new tactic. That’s what I think anyway .
Or did you send that already?
Maybe you’re right. I can only leave it up to her I guess. I do think she said what she said out of fear, not because she meant it. I think she was worried I was going to beg for her, but then I offered an easy time.
I don’t think she’ll text again honestly, it’ll be my reply that comes next. She’s not like that. She’s quite the tomboy in fact. Stronger than doing that, at least after the weekend.
Oh yes of course you mentioned before. That sounds like a pretty cool job. Where do you actually live at the moment?
Oh and I should say that I really took on board those things you said yesterday, the longer messages. Or at least I’m trying to!
I’m in Berlin. Been here for almost 5 years. Well, based here anyway. Work took me away during the week for far too long.
She will text. You don’t think it but she will. You might get one tonight yet. But usually after a few days the no contact starts doing it’s thing.
Most people ask me why I want to be with someone that didn’t want to be with me. I ignore that now. But she wanted to be with me but couldn’t go on. There was a problem that she could see no end to. If we never get back then yes I will regret it. For a long time. Maybe for the rest of my days. But if me ignoring her now gives me a chance of getting her back with a new me and a new improved relationship, then I will take that chance. I begged and cried and text non stop etc. It didn’t work. It did the opposite. “Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. So I changed the tactics. Changed myself in the process. And now I’ll see what happens. Let the future come. I’ve done almost everything I can. I have her texting me first always. I never text first. She is sending photos and asking about me. She thinks it will be cool to meet. I really don’t know if the new man is there. I don’t know if this is just all friendly. I just don’t know. But you know what? I’m realising that it doesn’t matter. I will continue with my plan. Improve me. Meet her. Act cool. Don’t mention the relationship. I’ll get her. Even if he is still there. I’ll get her back. Actually, I’d take great satisfaction from taking her back from him. Wouldn’t that be sweet.
So what I’m saying is that what you were doing want working. Whether she meant what she said or not (I don’t think she did mean much if any of what she said), it didn’t really matter. It’s the past. You cannot undo it. And it’s pointless to even think about it. Always look to what is coming. And get ready for it.
That would be most sweet indeed. I need to keep my head looking forward, you’re right. What’s done is done. I was trying to think like that earlier this evening, when I first got back from work. My anxiety still taunts me I guess, it takes over. I can feel it when it strikes. I’m working on it at counselling. I feel like I can shake it in time. It’s better than it was. I used to torture myself over what she was ‘up to’ when we were together, but just for hours. Days even. That’s gone now at least, to some degree. It’s stopped at home and with friends for sure.
Berlin must be very cool. Do you speak the language?
The new guy isn’t there. I don’t think so. I don’t think he ever really was if you see what I’m getting at. She wouldn’t have time for all of that. It might just be friends, but she wouldn’t go sending you old photos (are they of both of you, or of things?) if it were. She wouldn’t be dragging up old memories if it were just friends. Put yourself in her shoes I guess.
I got contact from her again, of sorts. A Facebook message:
“Hey, I was just wondering if you got my text? I don’t mean to pressure you to reply, it just sent as a text and not an iMessage so not sure if you received it.”
No kisses, but I forgot to send any on my last Facebook message (before this weekend etc), so she wouldn’t send any back.
I told you she would text tonight. I told you. She knows full well that you got the message. Why wouldn’t you? Unless you list the phone or it exploded. That is her subtle way of saying “what the fuck is going on Charlie? I’m scared. You were never like this.”
And in her head she is thinking. “Is he really that angry? Or has he just completely moved on? Why has he done that? I still love him. Shit, I can’t tell him that though now. After everything.”
Yeah Berlin is cool. You should bring herself here for a weekend. You would appreciate the history and culture. Most of Your countrymen (and mine) don’t see outside of the bars and brothels.
I speak german. At work I speak just german. I still make mistakes but they know what I’m talking about.
The photos were; one of 2 Kittens we hand reared. And one of us and my sister and her sisters in the countryside on a beautiful sunny evening enjoying the sun and having a beer. There was a photo of her letter confirming her work experience position. But the photos were on her computer. Buried in folders. She took a photo of the screen and sent that I think.
I think you are right about that. Who would drag up the past like that just to say goodbye. That would be cruel.
I was exactly like you. What is she up to? Who is she texting? Where is she going?
It was none of my business really. Fair enough, in a relationship you share things. But when you smother them and be jealous then you destroy them. Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine you wanted to go to meet some mates. Just a few hours. Have a chat. Then back home. Imagine getting home and somebody there assuming you were with another girl. Imagine that every time you went anywhere.
Go places yourself and that cuts that out a lot.
Yeah, those photos are exactly what you think they are. Whether she sent you the others or not, she would’ve been looking at all of them. Most people keep more than one photo in a folder. Speaking German, that’s awesome. You really have got a lot going for you.
What happened to the kittens?
Don’t get me wrong, I never directly texted her saying anything accusatory. I asked too many questions though. I did say things when we were living together, which I will always regret. Last time it got too much for her, we’d been texting and she said she was going to watch a movie with her parents. Later, I saw she was on Facebook, so I called her as we hadn’t spoken that day and I was thinking about her. She got really angry with me about it, I can see how it might have come across now. I admit that part of me was worrying a bit, she probably picked up on it. Like you said, I think lovers can sense each others emotions.
Really tempted to just go somewhere this weekend alone. France or something cheap, but somewhere far from all this.
I will text her in the morning.
Don’t text in the morning. What’s the point?
Leave it a bit. Wait and we can chat it all through tomorrow. Let her for once consider the decision.
Thanks for your words. Good night
I guess I’d like to confirm our meet, then it’s done and I can leave it alone. You’re right about keeping it simple mind. At work today now so wouldn’t send it until I’m home anyway, thinking about it here stresses me out too much.
Keep it simple. No Emotion.
You asked about the kittens. I loved them. They got to be too much for her. They were fairly wild. Well we did find them in a barn! She couldn’t sleep right and ran all over evrything. I enjoyed them.
Anyway, she got rid of one first and we kept the other for a few months, then she wanted rid of him. And that was that. I didn’t want him to go but it was for the best.
Yes, they can be a handful! It’s a shame you couldn’t keep them, must’ve been difficult to give them away. Our cats have never even spent a day apart, brothers from the same litter. It’s really hard having them around at the moment, every time I see them they remind me of her. I’m between minds as to what’s going on as we have commitments like the cats, and a very close mutual friendship group.
I feel like the longer I leave it, the more difficult it is for me to brush off my absence in my reply.
Have you heard anything today?
Heard nothing today. But not really expecting to hear. What would she say?
Send back a cool-as-a-cucumber reply. Yeah that Weekend would be good. Enjoy your Weekend etc.
The time will be good. And tough. She will be back