I’m 43 and my ex is 44. We are both single parents (I am widowed). We have broken up once a year in the last four years. Our relationship was really serious, but I found out recently that he was only telling me that he wanted to marry me because he thought that was what I wanted to hear. At one point, we had plans to elope and it was totally planned except for one small detail that he didn’t follow through on, so I got cold feet and canceled. Now he is saying he doesn’t want any kind of commitment and definitely not marriage. We had several sessions of really ineffective and damaging couples therapy by a woman who canceled many times and couldn’t remember from session to session. I am devastated because he says this time it is for real and he wants to just work two jobs and focus on himself. He has also started using anabolic steroids again after gaining a significant amount of weight in the last year and a half. We both have a fearful avoidant attachment style. He tends to spend a lot of time scrolling on his phone and watching TV but for some reason I absolutely love him. I feel safe with him and. feel strong affection towards him. His moods can be challenging because he is often irritable or depressed, seemingly about money or his weight. I miss the fact that we were a blended family, even though we lived separately. We each always called each other in an emergency. Part of me hopes that he changes his mind again, but it just really seems like he is done with the relationship this time. The pain that I am feeling is out of control and I am totally panicking. It feels miserable to be around most of my friends and my family is out of the country and unreachable right now. My daughter is visiting her grandparents for a few days so I feel especially alone. My ex and I saw each other last night which he repeated that again he doesn’t want any kind of commitment for three or four years at least until he pays off his mortgage this has been an ongoing stress for him, even though he sometimes is not financially stressed. I am literally so sick that I can’t breathe sometimes it felt easier because it has been so long, but I just feel so isolated and like he was most important person in my life even though I do have a lot of other people, I just don’t want to be around them because it feels awful. We had planned to be together forever, and to know that he is now not wanting any part of that makes me literally sick. We would plan our retirement together and all of a sudden he broke up with me for the fourth time after telling me that I was stuck with him and would never do this again. gets upset if I remind him that he’s the one that told me these things about wanting a commitment. He was really kind to me when we saw each other yesterday, and I thought that it would help me move on. I feel better for a few hours, but I am now back to absolute panic.
{Try to include your age, gender, and what caused the breakup. Choose a Title that’s short, but explains your situation. Avoid a generic title.
For example, “My ex said he is not in love with me” is better title than “Need advice!!”}