I dated a woman for a year and a half, and cared for her a great deal, but kept her at arms length. At the end of last July (2019) she said she wanted to date other people because I wouldn’t commit. I agreed.
We’ve had sparse contact during that time, but I’ve done a lot of soul searching in that time, and have come to realize that I lover her.
Looking back over the past few months I can see that she was reaching out to me through normal contact to gauge my interest, but I had so much going on (emotional overload) that I didn’t understand the signs.
I contacted her a few weeks ago and apologized for my aloof behavior during the time we dated, and apologized profusely for hurting her, expressing my deep affection for her. She was taken back, as she thought that I was not interested in her and that I didn’t want a girlfriend. Over the next couple of weeks I explained as well as I could why I acted the way I had. She was gracious about everything and explained that she was seeing someone new. Throughout our conversations during these couple of weeks, she said that she wanted to be friends on several occasions.
We met for coffee today to give her some small gifts that I’d gotten for her during a vacation last June. Again, she was very gracious and the conversation was pleasant. Before parting, we spoke about our past relationship and what had transpired. She said that she still wants to be friends but it didn’t seem as if I was open to it. I told her it would be hard for me, but I would like to hear from her.
A short while later, while texting a friend about how things went, I mistakenly replied to her in stead of him, saying “no, I didn’t tell her”. She asked what hadn’t I told her. I decided that if I didn’t tell her now, I may not get another chance, so I told her that I love her, and had for a long time. She confessed that there were numerous times in the past that she had wanted to tell me the same thing, but decided not to. She went on to explain that the man she’s dating now adores her. She went on the say that she wouldn’t want to hurt him. I wanted to tell her that I adore her, but felt that it might be perceived as desperate.
Through all our conversations, I believe, maybe wrongly, that she still cares for me but is not willing to let me hurt her again.
I unknowingly did the “no contact” before finding this site. I’m unsure as to where to go from here. How can I win her heart again without pushing her away or coming across as desperate?
@Dgarrison Dating her for a year and a half, but not even knowing your own feelings about her seems extraordinary! And no “excuse” seems reasonable…
When you met in person today, you had a chance to tell her you love her, but you did not. It would not have seemed desperate in light of the long time you dated her and the “friendly” texting over the past few weeks. Adore is a strong word, but love is too, so don’t get hung up on that…
I’m sure she cares about you to some degree, but while she’s with another man, any more declarations of love or adoration would indeed seem desperate. You missed your chance to share your true feelings during the year and a half while dating and again today. Most likely she’s thinking you’re a “closed off” type person that couldn’t or wouldn’t give her what she wants and needs, which is a loving committed relationship. And in reality, this is what most women desire…
If you occasionally text a casual message, that would not seem desperate and would keep open the lines of communication. I’m assuming your contact with her more recently have been through texts or emails. Only time will tell how this will turn out…