After praying about it and talking with the best person I have to talk to, and who is generally the best person for anyone to talk to…my mom. I’ve come to a decision.
The No Contact Rule may work for many people, but it’s not right for everyone. And I don’t think it’s right for me unfortunately. So I’m going to abandon it as of today.
Now, I’m not going to immediately start messaging her and trying to strike up a conversation. She still wants space right now and I’m going to respect that and back off, maybe taking your advice about social media, K777. But I think the NC rule is flawed in that it’s a generalization, and every girl is different (Granted, it’s mostly a time to improve yourself, I know, don’t worry, I’m addressing the parts of it where it’s supposed to make her miss you and such). I know my ex, I know how her mind works and how she operates. And if the day comes when she messages me to try and talk again, and I’m doing NC so I ignore her, then it’ll drive her away more than it will make her miss me. This is what I’ve realized after really thinking about it.
So I’ll wait until she wants to talk again, or maybe at least give it a couple of weeks before I message her again. And as I said in ‘My Situation’ post, we plan on meeting up in person again.
Most people will advise to keep the encounter light, strike up an attraction again and such. But again, I think every situation is different and every girl/boy is different. I plan on letting her know how I feel, but I’m not going to be an emotional mess and cry. I plan on being confident and show her that no matter what happens that day, I’ll still be holding my head high.
I will tell her how much I love her and I will remind her of the connection we once, and maybe still, have. I will show her how serious I am about making things right, how serious I am about changing myself for the better and how committed I am to my goals. I will remind her of the good times we had, but I will make it clear that I don’t want her to take me back. Because taking me ‘back’ implies going back to what we once had, and it’s obvious that what we had was broken. Our old relationship had good times, but it also had serious issues and now it’s dead. I’ll simply tell her I want to start fresh again and build a new better relationship, devoid of all the issues I caused for us in the previous one.
But never will I utter the words “I need you” or “I can’t live without you.” or anything of the kind. I don’t want her to view me as being needy, desperate or pathetic. I will make it clear that I don’t need her, that I can live my life without her. She isn’t in control of my life, I am. I want to present to her a man who is standing on his own two feet, who has a clear understanding of what he wants out of life, a man who is proud, confident and blessed with what he has. The changes I’m currently undertaking (Clepping, exercising, job hunting, getting right with God, planning out what I want to do in life) are what I’ll present to her. I’ll tell her I’m changing myself for the better, I’m growing up and I’m going to be a different man from the boy that she left.
But despite this, I am going to show her that while I do not need her, I do want her. Because it’s the truth. I can live my life without her, but I don’t want to. I’ll remind of her the things we once talked about for our future, and remind her they can still become a reality. She still loves me, I know she does, and because of how long we were together, I can’t believe for a minute that those desires and wishes have simply vanished instantly. She may still be hurt, but I know those feelings are still there and I’ll show her. I do intend on keeping it light with some inside jokes, make her remember the fun we used to have when we were together.
We talked about getting married and I’ll show her that I still want her to be my wife. I still want to have children, and name two of them Ooze and Booze(Inside joke). That I don’t want to build a life and include her in it down the road, but that I want to build a life together.
One thing she has wanted to do is go on an overnight trip together. We went on a day trip to Amsterdam, but she wanted to be able to just be alone together and to fall asleep together. If things go well (Only if they go well, mind you), there is a 3day/2night trip to Paris that I’m going to purchase for us before I leave. It’ll cost quite a penny, about 820 euros, which is roughly $900, but it’ll show I’m serious about everything. Even if we agree to go as friends, I think it’ll still make her happy.
Of course, I’ll need to read how she’s feeling in the time leading up to our encounter and when we first see each other. If she is reserved and seems closed off, then I’ll probably keep things light at first. But seeing as how it could be the last time we see each other for a long time, I can’t let the opportunity pass without letting her know how I feel and how I’ve changed.
Anyways, this is what I’ve decided after thinking long and hard. This is specific for me, so other people may be better off with the NC rule. I just don’t think it’s right for me. Other’s may think I’m laying it on too thick with such talk, but again, I know my ex better than anyone else. Keeping things “general” and light won’t help (Now, if things go well, and we agree to take it slow again, then keeping it light will be the best option obviously). She is an emotional person, and I believe she’d react more to an emotional talk rather than a light one (Again, I’m not going to cry or show her how hurt I am or anything like that. Just that I do care about her.)
I think I finally have a clear head now. I’m no longer an emotional wreck. I may still have little moments here and there like yesterday, but overall, I think the worst is past me.
I just want to say one more thing so people don’t get the wrong idea. All of these changes I’m making, they’re for me. They are to improve my own life, to get me on the right track for what’s best for me, nobody else. She is simply the motivation that has pushed me in the right direction. The NC is supposed to be a time to improve yourself and be okay with letting go, I know, but I’m no longer doing that. I think as these changes start to take effect, I’ll slowly start becoming okay with the idea of letting her go, if I’m not the best for her. More than anything, I just want what’s best for her and for her to be happy. If I have to, I’ll love her enough to let her go.
But until she tells me that she no longer loves me, until she tells me I mean nothing to her anymore, I will try with everything that I am to hold her in my arms again. I have to show her that she is important enough to me that I’m willing to fight for her. I need to show her how serious I am about creating a future with her by my side.
I just want to thank you guys for your advice so far. You have been helpful in opening my eyes in some regards, but I don’t think I’ll need much advice anymore. I’ve made up my mind and I’m determined.