So i’ll give some context first into what’s going on…
My boyfriend of nearly 3 and a half years broke up with me back just under a month ago. We didn’t have a turbulent relationship, we had our disagreements but they never turned into fights. He was always very loving, caring and understanding - especially in the last year and half before the break up when I was diagnosed with having anxiety and mild depression. The depression is no longer as prominent as it used to be but the anxiety is still with me. I did have counselling for it last year and there are some elements of it that have improved, but I know that there is always more that I can work on. He was always funny and would try his best to put a smile on my face even when I thought I couldn’t. In the times that we weren’t both under stress, I believed we were happy and had a light-hearted, humorous and loving relationship.
We are both 21 years old and both studying at university. Since around March of this year, we have both been under a lot of stress with our studies which put strain on our relationship. We were becoming less intimate, my anxiety began to worsen when I was studying for my exams and assignments while he was also studying for his own, and in general we weren’t spending as much quality time together - even though we both acknowledged this way before the break up and at times, there wasn’t much that could be done under our given situation. I think we both tried to do our best to look after each other, but my anxiety would often get in the way of really appreciating what he was doing for me, as well as making me feel very low at times.
Between April-June, I was spending a lot of time around his house while we were both studying - I found that I was able to work better and be more productive here. However, now I see that me being around for such long periods of time may have come across as needy, and I do acknowledge that at times I did feel like I was leaning towards being needy - but for me, this comes from a place of fear and lack of trust due to past childhood issues. I’ve never actually told him that before. This is only something I recently realised through a lot of personal reflection of the relationship from both my side and his. I wish I could tell him so he could understand more, but right now as i’m in no contact, I can’t.
5 days after my 21st birthday, he came round to my house and told me he wanted a break up - bear in mind this was NOT the first time he wanted to break up with me, it was actually the 3rd time over the length of our relationship. The previous 2 times this situation occurred, I sat him down and asked him why he’d come to this decision and eventually, we’d realise that it was something either I was doing wrong that I knew I could rectify or vice versa. But we’d work together on it and promise that things would be ok and we’d get through it which we did (otherwise the relationship would’ve ended long before). It is also worth mentioning that each time he has come to me and said he wanted to break up, it has happened within days or a few weeks after he’s finished his university exams - something I tried to make him see when he broke up with me recently, but he got very defensive about it.
He would often struggle to communicate/voice when something was wrong, and its not just with me - its with friends and family too. Instead, he’d suppress it (something which I used to do and have learnt is not healthy) until it would come out in these outbursts. He’s not a ‘crier’ but when he’s upset, he goes into his shell and its like trying to draw blood from a stone to find out what’s wrong. I’ve thought for a long time that he has his own issues that he’s not tried to seek help for, and I only told him during the break up that he might benefit from seeing somebody but all he said was ‘maybe’.
So yeah he broke up with me. I didn’t get a true reason why he came to this decision. He told me just had a ‘feeling’ that this was the best thing to do and that he didn’t think he loved me anymore - even though 2 weeks prior he was telling me how much he loved me and appreciated my company when he was stressed with his exams - everything he was showing me and telling me felt so genuine which is why this break up hit me hard. I now see that the last 2 months when we were both stressed most likely led him to this, but then again I don’t know for sure. I wasn’t as attentive with him as I should’ve been despite everything he did for me and I realise that now. I don’t believe there were any other girls involved to make him come to his decision to break up. He would always assure me that he loved me and me alone, that I was the only one for him and to never worry about there being someone else. He even assured me as he was breaking up with me that he hadn’t cheated or been unfaithful (because I had to ask to rule out the possibility).
I’m currently on day 25 of NC - I started NC the day after the break up and haven’t broken it since which I am proud of. My anxiety has been messing with my head a lot though. I’ve been swinging from feeing like everything is fine and remaining positive that we’ll get back together, to feeling low and thinking he’ll never come back and will find someone else who hasn’t got ‘issues’ as such. Despite the anxiety, i’ve been trying to do things to keep myself busy: i’m still going to work, i’ve picked up some old hobbies from years back, I’ve been working out every other day. And although sometimes it works to keep me feeling good, I do keep wondering why he hasn’t contacted me yet. Does he care anymore? Has he moved on that soon after breaking up? Is he even thinking about me?
I was hoping by now I would’ve heard something from him - a text or a call. I’m actually quite scared that I won’t hear from him again really. He was my best friend and it does feel like a part of me is missing without him. I know I can live without him but that doesn’t mean I want to. I truly do love this guy and I keep trying to believe that this time apart will only help us come back together stronger than we were before - but his lack of contact is making me doubt myself a lot.
Is there any chance that he’ll eventually reply? You would’ve thought being in a relationship for nearly 3 and a half years that some kind of feeling and love would still be there? I’m really worried, any help or advice would be much appreciated 