No time for a relationship - Should I bother?

reconciliation
1

Hey everyone just need some advice.

We’ve been together for 5/6 months right now and everything was going great until she started her new job. Date nights were then curtailed and pre-planned family/friend commitments got in the way as her time dwindled.

Three weeks ago my girlfriend sent me this long text after she had been on a mini-break to Europe with her sister and best friend.

“Hi. been on a course today, not had any free time. I’m really sorry, i wanted to talk to you face to face but I can’t see you for another week and it’s not fair on you to not let you know what I’m thinking. I haven’t been feeling like my heart is fully us recently. With me being so busy because of my job I don’t have the time to see you and it’s not fair on either of us. Our relationship is based on text messages at the minute, its not natural. Things just get misconstrued. I get that this is my fault cause of my schedule but there’s nothing I can do about that.You know what I think about saying things like this over text but I can’t carry on pretending like everything’s okay. I’ve been trying to sort myself out for the past few weeks and it’s causing me too much stress trying to please everyone. I’m really sorry but I just don’t know what else to do.”

I knew there was something wrong and told her that. I also said I’d like to fight for our relationship. However, she told me she doesn’t have time for a relationship right now and her jobs not a job at work but at home for 6 more months and she’s not happy being in a relationship where she cant see me. I worked out we’d get one day together in April due to her new job and my hours too.

I offered her an out though asking if it wasn’t for time would she still want to be in a relationship. Her answer…“I wouldn’t have been in a relationship with you in the first place if I didn’t want to be in one - I’m just not happy in the current situation”

I must admit it was confusing so we text some more and she said… "It’s nothing to do with us as people and it’s nothing you’ve done or said, nothing’s broken it’s just I don’t have time. Something’s changed and it’s not the same as it was. My job isn’t just a job at work, it’s at home for the next six months,I can’t make it work for me and I’m not happy. I’m not happy because I’m trying to please everyone, when I’m busy you get annoyed and I can’t deal with that on top of everything else. Right now I want space, I need time to myself to think about what I want.

I ended by saying take the time an space you need and she agreed to meet up in person to talk about it, I also asked her not to make a rash decision to which she said “This isn’t rash I’ve been thinking this for two weeks. It’s just how I feel right now” I let her know that I cared about her and wanted her to be happy and she acknowledged that.

I waited 10 days but then waited outside her work to talk to her (I know this was a mistake but I was not in a good place due to the out of the blueness of the break up) and then sent her a message the last week asking how she was and if we could meet up to talk about us, and if it was over if we could end on good terms rather than a text. I’ve heard no reply. From that day I start NC after reading this site.

I’m very confused as a month before that ambiguous break up text; she told me she’d never looked at another guy with me and that she’d never done that before whilst we were on a weekend getaway. Two weeks before that we went for another weekend away and everything seemed fine too, we even laughed off not being able to see each other for a while.

However, the week before the break up text we went for a meal and she seemed distant and stressed. I assumed it was down to the new job which is basically 6 days a week FT so she has one day to herself. I said do you want to get home and pack for your holiday and she said yeah I’m shattered.

What I fear is that I scared her when I was drunk and told her I loved her about 2 weeks before she sent that message,perhaps it was too much. I also was perhaps too needy/smothered her when we couldnt see each other for those 2 weeks. The text conversations had become distant too when before they had been lively and fun.

I’m also worried because her ex cheated on her and she admitted she often puts her defences up with guys. I waited 2 months to have sex with her due to the way her ex had messed with her head and it took a painful conversation for her to actually tell me what had happened.

I just don’t know what to do. I want to wait a few more weeks before getting back in contact as I adore her to bits and her friends and family before that happened said she’d never been so happy. But is that best given what’s happened

I’m also unsure if she’s scared of commitment which may prove to be the big downfall. But I’d like to know who the everyone she’s trying to please is too because I fear shes trying to do too much with her old uni friends, home friends, new work colleagues and her family and perhaps right now I’m the most disposable…

I suppose it’s the not knowing which is killing me currently.

Thank you in advance for any advice.

2

Hi Tom, this sounds pretty similar to the situation I’ve been in before. And the only thing I can say really (which is what everyone says!) is to give her some time and space to sort everything out in her head. Obviously you know what your ex is like as a person, but it seems like she is a bit overwhelmed with trying to fit everyone in right now, and with the added pressure of a new job it’s just become too much to deal with at the moment. I am not for a second saying that she doesn’t want to be with you, actually it seems like she doesn’t want to let you down the most by not being able to see eachother, and pushing you away is her way of trying to protect you from being let down. I know what I’m like if I’m being pulled in all directions with family/job/friends and she probably feels really guilty and like it’s her fault that you two havnt/won’t be able to spend a lot of time together. All I can say is be reassuring, that it’s okay that she is busy (after giving her some space) and when things calm down a bit then she will most likely talk to you. I hope this has helped, at all! It’s difficult trying to see things from the other way around! I would really appreciate a guys opinion on my situation if you have the time to read it!
I do hope everything works out for you!

3

I think u should let it go in ur mind and if she comes back, u can decide what to do…
Trust me its nothing that u said or done that put her off. You have put ur 100% effort in the relationship, u told her u will be understanding and supportive … U have done ur part.
She might be busy with work but when u have someone so understanding, loving and supportive person like u, u just dont let go of them…
This situation might be temporary and hopefully she comes back but for now its better to spend time on urself and not contact her.

4

Thanks, I think I asked the wrong people for advice before.

Yes they’re right that if she want’s to spend time with me she could but then she’d probably neglect all her other relationship which Id feel guilty about. She probably felt that the best thing for both of us was to break up as we were both unhappy with the amount oftime spent together - it’s just hard seeing her put stuff on social media on nights out and saying things like ‘I wish someone would come away with me for two weeks’ when it could and should have been me.

I’ve done 8 days of NC, taking it a day at a time but it’s hard when all I want to do is see her and give her a massive hug. I know she’s seeing her best mate from uni who gets on with me so hopefully she can talk some sense into her or maybe that’s just too hopeful.

5

please dont pay too much attention to facebook status, pics etc…people say/put things they dont always mean. Or may be she is just trying to make u feel jealous ! who knows…
Exactly how u said, take it a day at a time. Make weekly plans. Keep urself busy. Dont allow any negative thoughts in your mind.
We never know what future will bring. She may eventually realise what she is missing and come back…But it will be a torture for you to keep ur hopes high all the time.
Stay strong !
and if you feel like writing your feelings out, we always here to listen :slight_smile:

6

Honestly I agree with the other comments. As someone who had their relationship end due to work stress, the single, honest to god thing that made it work out is that I gave him his space. I let him go through his process of figuring out his work, getting his mind right - so to speak, and missing me. You can’t force it, at this point all you can do is throw it out into the universe and see if it comes back to you. But you also have to be prepared in case it doesn’t. Unfortunately none of us can tell you exactly what your ex is thinking, and we can’t predict the future. Focus on yourself, let her work herself out, and be prepared for any outcome.

7

Just a quick update, something I need to get off my chest really.

17 days NC down and I’m happier. I took a day off work last week, went to see my parents and had a cry and let it all out. It’s what I needed and it’s amazing what an older persons perspective can do for you. I also realised it’s over and that I really need to focus on me. Sorting my career out, hitting the gym and getting out and about with friends.

I’ve heard nothing and I don’t expect to either. My ex is stubborn and easily puts her defences up but she seems to be getting to see her friends more which I’m happy to see.

Yesterday I decided to reflect properly on our relationship and to see if I could make more sense of it. Rather than going over the texts we sent the night we broke up - I went a few weeks back and noticed signs I should’ve picked up on.

As soon as she changed jobs we didn’t communicate as much or as well. Her reply’s went from long ones to evasive one word one or short sentences. Where the conversation was once flowing, it stopped with the new job and I genuinely do believe that it’s the main reason we split. The last words we spoke in person was what I was doing that weekend, my friends housewarming. When I told her she replied “another thing I am missing” - It all adds up.

However, deep down I had a gut feeling that there was something else up. On reflection I think it was me. I knew she didn’t have time but kept pushing her and pressuring her to see me, alcohol and a bad few weeks on my part played its role in that. I’ve never been needy or clingy but reading those messages back I was. I pushed her away because of that and I think she realised she didn’t have the time that I needed.

Part of me is banging my head on the wall saying ‘I’ve fucked this up’ but another part is glad I saw what I’ve done and I can draw on that in the future.

Today I realised. Do I still want her back? Yes. She’s everything I could ever want. Is it the end of the world if it doesn’t happen? No. She will simply be the one that got away.

To those who are starting there break-ups and NC. Just focus on yourself and get your head around everything, it gets better.