Hey Kevin and everyone.
So, here is my situation. This is actually a situation with my wife, not my girlfriend.
She and I have been together 5 years. We are both 33 and have a 3 year old son.
We had a lot of problems the last year of our relationship. I suffer from pretty bad anxiety and depression, I had become a different person and 8 months ago we separated.
She moved into her mom’s condo (her mom bought a house and let’s her live in the condo rent free). And I moved into an apartment. I have my son 2 days a week when I’m not working. My wife lives with a roommate who is a mutual friend of ours and they are like sisters. Oh yeah…her roommate is my ex wife.
Anyway…
Three weeks ago she started initiating casual friendly conversation with me and we had developed kind of a friendship I guess. Things went pretty fast after that and we decided we wanted to get back together but take things slow…see each other a few times a week and not move back in together for at least a year. So we entered into kind of a honeymoon phase I guess. And both of us were super horny because neither of us had been with anyone else, so the sex was great.
Then, after about a week and a half I could feel her distancing from me. I know it was because my anxiety was controlling me and I started to act very needy and desperate for things to go faster because I felt like she wouldn’t commit to me.
Long story short…she took a couple days to herself and changed her mind about everything. She said it’s just not working and probably never will because she can’t get over things that happened in the past and she was afraid I was turning into that person again. I had a freakout when she told me this and made myself look like an erratic crazy person which I think confirmed it for her.
She stopped speaking to me after that because I blew up her phone with texts, both rude and desperate.
So, I stopped contacting her 2 days ago.
What do I do?
I’m pretty sure she is going to reinitiate the divorce.
Hey, I just read your story. I’m only 17 and haven’t had much experience and i can’t really guarantee that anything i say on here might help you, but i also know that just having someone answer your thread and talk with you can make things better and just calm you down. The first thing that pops into my mind is this. Focus on your child, on yourself, build your confidence. She isn’t the main character in your story, you are. Start learning to improve who you are on a daily basis, this means improving your thoughts, emotions and physiology. Start working out, sleeping properly, feeling good about work and build your confidence. I recommend learning to control your body through proper breathing. Take the no-contact period and make sure that the only thing that you contact her about is your child, because she isn’t your priority in this case, your child is. When she senses this from you, she will worry less and it will be easier for her to come back to you. If you’re calm and collected about everything then there is no reason for things to no workout. Understand that there is no reason to get angry. Anger leads to rash actions that then lead to regret.
You can do this.
I don’t know you, but i believe in you.
Thanks for your reply, Louis. You actually made some very good points, no matter how old you are. You are right. Right now I am focused on myself and trying to be the best person and the best dad I can be.
And I realize that I can only control myself, I can’t control the situation or what she is or is not going to do. Today is day 4 of no contact.
@Spaceman3005, you have been given some really good points by @louis!
I’d like to add that it might be good during this NC itself that you take professional help if needed. Sometimes talking it out to a person who wont judge you and still help you figure out the reason behind your behavior goes a long way!
This forum does provide a good platform but most of us arent exactly well equipped to deal with emotions and that is why ended up being here! We learn from our own mistakes and better if we learn from others’ mistakes! Going through certain topics on this or any other forum will help you a lot in avoiding future mistakes but professional help will give you a calculated direction too. I do not recommend professional help easily but in your case a wife and a kid is involved and if I were you, I’d take help from these forums as well from professionals
Am 30 and recently going through a tough time myself. I have realized that women are much more fragile and very emotional on a daily basis. We men are more practical on a daily basis and emotional when critical moments like these arrive. It is a constant effort to narrow this gap in a relation. Love is an emotion and thus we men have to put in a little bit more effort to narrow this bridge! Not like we are not capable but we are just not used to it as much.
Women will give a chance and open themselves up again but they will ALWAYS keep a watch on the smallest actions which might hint towards past behavior which led to break up.
On the other hand sometimes they are so broken that they misconceive an action and connect it to past behavior. In this case professional help can work wonders on both. NC can work in your case better cos you guys have a kid together so sentiments are involved as of now. Very limited scope of a rebound situation I mean.
Hi amcee
I’m not currently seeing a therapist just because I can’t afford it at the moment, but I have in the past.
Today is day 5 of no contact, though she did call last night (from her roommates phone) to talk to my son over speakerphone (he’s 3 and doesn’t really talk yet but she always calls when he’s with me to say goodnight to him).
She and I didn’t really interact at all over the phone other than hi and bye.
No contact continues.
Therapist is not a necessity if you can have enough self control and self realization. Generally being involved in the situation it becomes difficult for one to become objective and find a solution that is why a therapist helps. In your case I think you should try practicing self-realization techniques everyday and how to be less dependent emotionally on anyone else for your happiness (although your son is enough motivation for you to be happy).
I tried practicing the following 5 min everyday whenever I felt slightly relaxed:
Sit in a corner in the house with your back supported by the wall
Close your eyes
Hear whatever possible sounds you can like radio, children, parents, birds, cars, etc but DO NOT start a thought process after listening to those sounds.
In the last point what am trying to say is just be a passive listener and not someone who gets involved in those sounds and forms thoughts (why the kid is shouting, what parents are talking, which bird it could be, whose car, etc). Slowly JUST FOCUS on your breathing and make sure it is normal and not rushed. Worked wonders for me.
This practice helped me become objective in life situations and thus emotionally more stable cos of which during my ups and downs am able to lift my spirits up relatively easily. Currently am almost in the process of reconciliation but havent raised my hopes too much cos am able to control my emotions not the outcome. Keep the focus on you become more stable and independent. Women like to see that in men.
When your wife sees a mature you, she’ll feel those changes and that the time when you will have your chance to take things ahead. This time will help her also heal from the past experiences. After the healing if she notices a changed you, she’ll be more than happy to initiate future talks.
I like that exercise a lot and I can really see the point of it.
I have always had a tendency to obsess over things if I let my mind dwell on them for too long. And when I do that I have a tendency to create all kinds of ridiculous scenarios in my head. The way I react to certain things has gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past. It’s like…I will be sitting there at night and all of the sudden start thinking “I wonder if she is with another guy right now…”. Stuff like that.
@Spaceman3005 you’re doing great!
Also, please dont forget this is the time for you to make yourself stronger physically, mentally, spiritually, morally…very important.
Right now I am working full time night shift and just focusing on myself.
I am getting ready to start the corrections academy in January and I am making a life for myself.
Obviously, I want her to be a part of that life.
I now haven’t heard from her in 2 weeks and I have not tried to contact her for 1 week.
Heard from my ex today. She just wanted to tell me that we aren’t getting back together and that I need to move on. I also heard that there is a guy she is interested in.
No think…why would she tell you unsolicited that there’s someone she’s interested in. She wants a reaction out of you. Remember the plan…play it cool and don’t give her the satisfaction. Rebounds hardly last.
I had asked if she was seeing someone. She replied " no, I am not seeing anyone right now but there is someone who I am interested in getting to know." She then told me that I need to move on because, no matter what, we are never getting back together at any time in the future. Because she is incapable of getting over things that happened in the past. And she said if we got back together she would always resent me.
You asking her again and again about her seeing someone will come across as needy. Am sure as a woman (that too who has a kid with you) she would like to see more confidence in her man which will attract her to him.
Even if she does end up seeing someone, please understand it is not like they are going to end up getting married right away. Am sure she is going to weigh her options and keep you in the back of her mind cos you two have a child.
That being said, try to get your confidence back. This kind of behavior will not encourage confidence in her to get back.
If she has to come back to you she has to see you’re not only capable of being a good partner but also a responsible father. You have it a lot more tougher than any new guy she might be interested in but at the same time you guys have a lot of history so you should be able to figure out what will work in your favor. Just be patient and work on yourself right now. She is human, humans get hurt, they seek happiness and this leads to getting them interested in others. Its normal. So try to be the person with whom she will again feel happiness can be achieved. Actions speak louder than words.
You do not need to write her anything more unless you want to keep coming across as needy. Try not to contact her for any other reason than your child’s well being. Even right now you’re being selfish by thinking how to get her but if you really love her and want her back then show that you can be happy (without her around currently) and provide happiness to the people around you. She’ll notice it over time.
Also, any time she calls or communicates anything please try not to talk about getting back or any emotional topics. Try to be civil (not just portray but see real value in having a mature emotional free conversation with her) and make her feel comfortable around you may be as a friend.
Most importantly please focus on improving yourself in every way. Pick up a hobby, get a grip on work, show enthusiasm towards life, seek happiness not in people but yourself, socialize, work out if you can, etc. These things will add value to your personality and more importantly give you a renewed perspective towards life. This will help you, your kid and your wife if you have to give reconciliation a real shot.
Should I respond if she tries to contact me? Or should I distance myself from the situation?
Obviously right now I really don’t want to be friends with her.
@Spaceman3005 you need to be civil if she contacts you.
You’re hurting right now and most people make wrong decisions during such times. If you dont want to be friends right now that is okay. Take your time and space and get some clarity instead of taking any rash & hasty decisions.
You do NC from your end. If she contacts you then just be courteous but try NOT to discuss about emotions please.
You’re not focusing on the part where it is HIGHLY important that you improve yourself. Without that DO NOT expect her to come back.
