Need Some Advice or Just Support

reconciliation
1

Hi,

I was dumped about 5 weeks ago, we were together for 3 years, things were really good. We were compatible, very rarely argued, we had discussions and talked through things but nothing serious. I have kids and so does she, they got on well, my kids loved her a lot and they doted on her son and loved her back in equal measure.

It seemed too good to be true, my parents loved here, her parents loved me, we did things together and as a family. Fathers day just passed, my parents and the kids went down to her parents house and we all hung out as a family for 3 to 4 days. During that time, we were talking about our future, we even spent time looking for houses to buy, went through a couple with our kids and even with my parents when they were in town. Again, this was as far back as June, we are still in August.

I noticed, a slight change in her, i am astute and pick things up quickly, especially changes to the so called norm. She was being a little quiet, distant and just not as much affection. She shared custody with her son, so the 3 days of the week she had her son she stayed with him, the 4 days she did not, she lived with me, and that flipped to 3 with me and 4 with her son. Just some changes in how we interacted had me slightly concerned. We had a real good way of never letting anything stew or fester, so when we felt something was wrong we would calmly talk through it together so it didnt become a bigger item. To my shock, when i raised this to her, she responded back with its not in your head, you are not seeing things, i am just not sure where i am right now and not sure where i am with us. I was shocked, hurt and just in disbelief. How could we go from spending a family holiday together and looking at houses to this is a matter of weeks, it just didnt make sense. My response was not the best, i guess in times of emotional turmoil you respond with emotion and not logic. I felt hurt and asked her to leave me alone, stay away from me and most of all stay away from my kids…instantly regretted that, but i cant take that back no matter how much i want to.

Fast forward, we talked through this a little, i was a little more calmer and let her talk, i still didnt walk away with any real understanding of what happened, the reasons were rather nebulous in nature, she just felt that we missed our shot… ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

I asked her to respect my boundaries and let me grieve and heal in peace and we started no contact.

I work with her, so i am smart enough to know that business and personal communications are different. I kept any communication with her purely on a business level but it didnt take long for the lines to blur. It was cordial to begin with but we both slipped back into regular conversation, not physical contact just texting and talking at smoke breaks. She did flirt with me via text and comment on her favourite body part which you can imagine sent me into a tizzy. She admitted after that she was flirting and i told her there and then that it wasnt fair, to be clear i told her i was still in love with her, she knew that, and to only do that again if you mean it… she agreed.

I was always her emotional rock, i helped her through problems and situations… provided her encouragementz advice and support whenever she needed it… and this was reciprocated, it was something that we did very well and was a real strength of out relationship.

Communications continued but with no real flirting. I mentioned my plan to go home (i am not from the States) which she at first thought was just for a visit. When she realized it was for good, it took her a couple of days but she asked if i had a timeline in mind which i thought was strange. She recently had some bad news which i was at first happy to support her through (parent had a recent scary diagnosis). This past week was when the news broke, we went for a drink the day before the appt to allow her to talk through things. She was tearful, and then while in her car she broke down totally. Its really hard to see in front of your eyes the lady you love in that much pain and it was my natural instinct to hug and support her.

That night i didnt sleep, i guess all along i was kidding myself, i thought i could still be the person she needs me to be but i CANT. I love the girl with all my heart and its just to bloody hard. I hate the idea that i was deciding to turn my back on her, but i wasnt moving forward, i was not healing, i was just stuck…

I made the painstaking decision on Sunday to start NC… we spoke about it, she wanted to continue with what we were doing and keep working through the process… but it wasnt working for me. i ended the conversation with a simple goodbye and have not texted or spoken since… work emails aside

I am working through the program, doing the workesshets and committing to working on me for 30 days… i just am struggling… i love her, i want to be there for her, feel guilty for not being there for her… just seem lost…

Any advice or support is greatly appreciated here.

2

If it is any consolation, I think you’ve done exactly the right thing.

It is going to be painful. But it does get better one day.

3

Cheers mate, sometimes it doesn’t feel that way… i hope it does get easier as it sucks right now. Torn a lot between whats right for me and doing what comes natural to me and that is supporting people. Working in the same office complicates things, we are not in the same group but we have to interact as part of our jobs… for example every morning an 8.30am kick off meeting…
Not sure i will ever get answers… stuck right now when i think about how this will look moving forward. We spent three great years together, and the friendship we had i cherished above everything else we had… there are parts of me that think in time we can be friends, too soon right now… but i know me, and i have suspicions that all may not be as it seems… and if someone else was involved as apposed to an amicable break up, well, there would be no chance of any friendship as the trust and respect required for that will be gone.

Thanks for responding,

4

You wrote that she said, " i am just not sure where i am right now and not sure where i am with us."

Later you wrote, “I mentioned my plan to go home (i am not from the States) which she at first thought was just for a visit. When she realized it was for good, it took her a couple of days but she asked if i had a timeline in mind which i thought was strange.”

Why would it be strange? She was with you for 3 years and wants to know when you’re leaving.

Did you decide to leave her and go home permanently after she said she’s confused about the relationship?

What do you hope to gain by no contact?

5

She was the one that left me, and you are right, it may not seem strange to an outsider but when you have so many hopes to reconcile you coming into any hope you can… I took her comment as hope.

Before I met her, I made my kind up to go home, in fact having having that plan got me through a pretty tough time… things changed when I met her, now we are no longer an item, maybe it’s time again… I have no family here apart from my kids and they are Soon at age when they won’t live at home… Son goes to college on Sat in New York.

I want peace out of no contact, I need to begin the process of healing… No contact so I can start to move forward…the period post break up where we spoke was nothing but confusing for me… I needed that to stop.

6

To add, not only were we good together, we were good for each other… a lot of support, I got the sense when we are in contact that she still wanted me as her rock but without the relationship, she would still ask for advice, talk her problems especially with family through with me… It’s like she wanted our relationship but without the actual boyfriend, which is something I am honestly not really ready for… On the flip side of ignoring her when I am still in love with her and care for her I want to be there… Maybe because something is better than nothing or maybe I still see a chance… Just not sure.

7

You’re the one who told her you were leaving to go back home. You’re the one who asked for space. Therefore how is it that you think she left you? Is it because she said, "i am just not sure where i am right now and not sure where i am with us.”

Anyway, she’s obviously confused as to whether she wants to be with you long term or not. And yet it seems she wants to remain friends who confide and give support to each other. It will take time to accept and adjust to the new dynamics of the situation. And I understand you must be heartbroken to lose the “relationship”, but if you continue to be loving, kind, polite, and understanding, maybe over time she will change her mind. Seeing her at work must be difficult emotionally, but try to stay strong. I think things will work out in the long run and she will be able to make a definite decision about what it is she wants…

To me, from what you’ve written, it seems you are a good match for each other, so don’t give up all hope.

Good luck…

8

Sorry if I was not clear. She left me, as in she broke up with me… This is all post break up.