My fiancé left me back in June. We have a 2 year old son together. She tells me there is no chance we will ever get back together. I think she still loves me but I was emotionally abusive. Since she left I have been in counselling and taking medication for my anger. I feel completely different then when we broke up. I know I am not the person she doesn’t want to be with. I have lost a lot of wieght from going to the gym. We took our son trick or treating together. She commented that she likes big guys and I’m half the size I once was. I am unsure if she will be able to move past the pain I have caused her.
I stoppped communication with her 6 days ago. We alternate our sons time every week. She messaged me once on Saturday asking how he was, I didn’t reply. She sent me a picture of our son late last night and again I didn’t reply. Why do you think she is sending me these messages? Should I tell her I don’t want to contact her or just keep ignoring her? I do t have to see her ever because I drop my son off at daycare and she pics him up when it’s her turn to take him. I currently have him with me.
She asked if she could see him for a bit yesterday. I let her come pick him up, she seemed more timid then usual. I got my son ready right away and sent them out the door. She came back within an hour and sat down at the front door. We talked a bit about our son then I told my son to say bye to his mom while we were on a positive note.
She seems like she has a lot on her mind. I was normally calling her every day until last week when I cut her off. On the Tuesday before I stopped taking to her she said that if I have changed she would need to see it in how I act.
I am dating other women now and I’m totally confident and I’m fine if we don’t get back together. Should I follow through with no contact or should I work on getting her to come home??
@Kyle I’m glad to hear you’re in counseling for your behavior patterns. Emotional abuse is extremely detrimental to a relationship! Over time maybe she will see improvements in you and consider reconciliation in order to be a family again, but a much happier family:) Always treat her with respect.
If you’re keeping you son for a week at a time (alternating), don’t ignore her questions about the child because naturally she would be concerned about him and want to know how he is. You could also say “thank you” when she sends pictures. Maybe she’s contacting you because she wants to stay in touch on friendly terms. But if you want to do no contact, you should tell her why.
Thanks for the reply Patricia,
My friend had extra tickets to a concert last night. I went out on a limb and asked her to come out with me from 6-10 ( I didn’t tell her where we were going ). She accepted! I took her out for dinner, we had an awesome time talking about our son and the US election.
We went to the concert and had a couple drinks! There was some tears as she crys very easily. Somehow we got on the topic of baby names for girls. I told her if she gave me another Child she could name it whatever she wanted. She hugged me for a good 20 seconds.
She is very hurt still but I think we will get back together soon.
True Love never fails!!
I’ll keep you posted
@Kyle WOW ~ So far so good!! Keep working on your issue and I pray all works out for you and your sweet little family:) Looking forward to the next post…
So we hung out last night. I asked her if she wanted me to bring some drinks over to her place. She said yes. We end up rubbing each other’s feet. We talked about our relationship- she brought it up. Suming it up she told me she wasn’t interested in having a relationship any time soon. I told her that I no longer consider myself lucky to be with her and I was done pushing her to come back. I am very successful, wealthy, attractive, and confident and I told her that if she didn’t want me that it was her loss. We ended up having sex- a lot of it haha, it was very passionate. I slept in her bed with her. I woke up early before my son woke up and left in the morning.
Se sent me a text “thanks for everything” I said “thank you”. I know she said last night that she feels that the sex would set back our “progress” and was hesitant to do it. I know that she still has a lot of resentment towards me.
I feel she is trying to test me. She told me that during the day yesterday she went to the dog park with a guy and thy ended up at the river bottom. He took off his shirt and she went into the river up to her shins. I brushed it off.
Do you think I should re initiate no contact for a week or 2? I need her to stop resenting me and I don’t know how to change that!!
@Kyle - I can’t believe you said this to her:“I told her that I no longer consider myself lucky to be with her and I was done pushing her to come back. I am very successful, wealthy, attractive, and confident and I told her that if she didn’t want me that it was her loss.” Now is not the time to be smug and haughty! If you want her back, which I’m not sure that you do, you should be more humble and careful of her feelings. I know you say you’re in counseling for emotional abuse / anger issues and also on medication, but do you honestly feel your attitude has changed for the better yet? Did you tell her you’re dating other women? Why would she tell you about the other guy? Did you ask her if she was seeing anyone? It’s only been about 4 months since she left you and I would think if your focus is to get your family back, you would focus more on trying to resolve your own issues of controlling your anger and abusive tendencies. I would think that since you’re the one who had the larger part in the break up, that you would refrain from dating at least until all hope of reconciliation is gone. She is the one who was deeply hurt by your words and actions and sure, she would have resentments too, so she is probably out looking to prove to herself that there are kinder men in the world that are easy going and would treat her with respect. She is the mother of your child and most likely she would want to be a family unit with you again, but she’s been wounded and it will take time for resentments to fade. No contact might help, but probably only if you’ve given her something positive to think about. Such as; what you intend to do to make things better in a possible future relationship with her … the ways you would treat her better and then over time proving you’ve changed and that you’re a man of your word. And if you haven’t already, let her know you want your family back and will do anything to achieve it. Maybe for a while it would be better not to get into a situation again where sex would be tempting. Go out and have lots of fun with her, like when you met and be the guy she fell in love with before all the troubles started…
Maybe you’ve already told her of the changes you’re making and your intentions of continued self improvement. If so, and she has something like that which is more positive to think about, she will be leaning more toward reconciliation. No contact (as appropriate considering your son) for 2 weeks would be good and then slowly reconnect to have some nice times with her only and other times as a family. Wishing you all the best…
These sites are very confusing as to what I need to to to get her back. I do want to be with her for the rest of my life- no question. I didn’t tell her that I wasn’t waiting around for her like that. I told her that I’d she no longer wanted to be with me that I knew what I brought to the table and it was her loss.
I told her I was dating other people. This site and many others say that I should be. I didn’t start seeing other people for a month and a half after she told me that she was seeing other people.
She told me that if I gave her the space I’m giving her now at the beginning of our break up that things would probably be back to normal now.
It is very hard not to contact her. I don’t want to see anyone else but her. At the same time my insecurities tell me to find someone else to be with so I’m not tearing myself apart thinking about her.
I just messaged her asking if they were busy today. She hasn’t replied. I imagine she wants to spend time alone with our son. I would love to hang out with them. Should I try to? Or should I wait for her to contact me?
I know she has a busy week ahead. She usually contacts me if she needs something from me. I know she will text me asking me to watch our son during the week as she works nights. Is it right to do everything she asks or should I focus on myself and tell her I’m busy? I feel like she is taking advantage. She knows I love her and would do anything to get her back.
@Kyle - Do you not even see how arrogant this sounds? " I knew what I brought to the table and it was her loss." All I can say is this kind of attitude certainly won’t help! The sites are confusing as to what things might be done in order to get an ex back because most all of the situations involve young people who are trying to get back with a boyfriend / girlfriend. My gosh, you have a child with her and so it’s a lot different. If you want them back, your efforts have to be sincere and stronger. If she wants more space, give it to her. And in the meantime continue with counseling and take the advice you’re given there to heart. The advice on these sites about dating others is more for teenagers and I don’t see how that would help your situation at all, in fact it would probably negatively affect your chances with your ex! Wait for her to contact you and when she does be polite. Why would asking you to watch your own son be taking advantage of you? He’s your son and you want to spend time with him and watch him when she’s at work etc… don’t you? And what could she possibly ask you that would make you think she’s taking advantage of you?? If you go no contact, wait about a month before you ask to see her again and go out on a few fun dates, but NO sex. Make it as if you’re courting her all over again and let her see your improvement and control over your anger issue for herself. Also some times out as a family would be great:) It might take time, but if you get them back it will have been worth any so called sacrifice you made. In fact, don’t think of anything you do or say as a sacrifice, but maybe something you should have been doing all along. Such as more kindness, respect, and understanding…
I admit it sounds arrogant but I assure you I didn’t say it the way you think I did. I am not the arrogant type.
Last weekend was great, we had sex twice and it was very passionate. Now we hang out and she’s distant and isn’t comfortable when I touch her. I feel like the week that I ignored her really made her want me back. Bit then things went to fast I guess. We haven’t fought and everything has been positive. I think space would really help but I don’t know how to make that work. We always make plans together, we talk every day. She always seems distant and thinking about something.
If I had to guess I’d say she doesn’t want to be with me but she knows I’ve changed and I’m a good father. I think she wants to be single and possibly find someone else.
I need a plan, and I need to stick to it.
@Kyle A better plan might be to NOT talk every single day and NOT make plans for awhile and don’t hang out! And don’t have sex again! Only talk when necessary about your son or briefly when picking him up for visits or when she drops him off at your place etc… Right now the bad memories are at the forefront in her mind, so giving her more space will allow the horrible memories to fade. And hopefully she will let go of resentments and eventually recall the more pleasant times. She needs more time to herself to think about a possible reconciliation. If you don’t change the way you interact with her and control your anger, there won’t be a chance for you as she would definitely not want to subject the child to an abusive relationship between his parents. 30 days is the minimum to make self improvements and it might take longer. You could let her know you want only very little contact while you make improvements in your behavior. But try the no (limited) contact until you feel like you have complete control over your thoughts, emotions, and anger tendencies.
Good luck…
The thing is I have already made the improvements. I don’t get angry any more and I only show her love.
I guess I do still show her jealousy and controlling behaviour when she is with someone else. I get jealous.
I suppose that more time apart is necessary for me to make those feelings subside. I have always had trouble trusting her since I coughs her taking with her ex years ago. How to I get past that?
We have counselling together on Thursday
@Kyle - Anger control is a process and a way to know whether or not you’ve made any progress is to be in a situation that previously would have brought out displays of temper. And if you can handle a tough situation with grace and ease time after time it will become a habit. But it’s definitely not an issue that can be resolved within yourself quickly. Jealousy will also over time, destroy a loving relationship. Her talking to an ex years ago should be forgiven and forgotten. This incident happened years ago and it still lingers in your mind. To mistrust or have suspicions or even worse, to accuse someone of being unfaithful when they weren’t, will cause that person to give a defense and deny it, often falling on deaf ears of the accuser as it seems to happen over and over. Then the defendant will become angry, bitter, resentful, and start losing love and feelings for the distrustful person. These two issues alone will make the person on the receiving end profoundly miserable and unhappy. If you can make positive changes in the way you interact with her and display trust, she will be much happier with you.
I’m very glad to hear you’re attending counseling together on Thursday. I’m sure the counselor will have some great advice for both of you to think about and put into practice. I’ve heard couples counseling is often an effective way to reconnect with more understanding, respect, and kindness with each other. It often times give a couple a second chance for happiness:)
She text messaged me last night and told me that she was too busy with work to make it to our councelling.
I drove by her house this morning while we were suppose to be at counselling and her car was at home. I called her and told her that the appointment was very important to me. I asked her if it was important to her and she said “I guess not”.
I told her not to contact me any more for any reason. I was very upset, I wasn’t angry with her on the phone. I am just done with this one sided relationship.
I guess I will now give it a couple months of no contact and maybe we will both be ready at that point.