Feeling very blessed to have everyone on this site here too, and you’re a great friend on here!!
It’s easier to be level headed about other people’s matters!
Strange that your friend wasn’t more sensitive as she’s been through the same. Most often those who are insensitive are whose who are or have been struggling very hard on their own themselves. They had to suck it up and get on with their lives so you should do the same! That’s a trend I’ve found with my own friends at least. The ones who aren’t very sympathetic have usually dealt with something difficult by themselves and don’t really believe your issue is as bad as theirs was or is.
Haha my ex was bringing up 5 year old stuff too! Like I shouldn’t be allowed to get upset about his actions because I did something similarish 5 years ago! And poor him for me having done that to him. Then the whole conversation would turn and I’d be the one to end up apologising and comforting him when it all started with something he upset me with! I’m still not sure if that was a tactic to divert the attention away from his wrongs or if he genuinely still had built up emotions from past issues.
Exactly right regarding not thinking about your ex with someone else. The same goes for stalking. As you say, if no reconciliation happens anyway there would be no point. And if it does then you can figure it all out later if you still want to.
Yes it’s extremely draining, and it is chronic, non stop, obsessing. Little by little though it will become less. So little that we won’t even notice it changing. This site is a real blessing yes, and I’m so happy to be able to connect with others going through the same!
I’ve got this creeping feeling that he is thinking about me, and that he will get in touch soon yeah. It could just be that I’m feeling hopeful due to that atea got a text. Time will tell the accuracy of my (supposed) instincts.
I was thinking that too! Maybe atea hasn’t responded because she’s busy reconciling! Lol! I hope so:) @atea1234 deets please! We’re living our lives through you right now!
hello @belle and @aphrodite,
wow so much to catch up on this morning!! the time difference keeps me behind in this thread! @belle, i just want to say to you, do NOT listen to your friends who just say move on. all my friends give me the same advice and that doesnt feel right to me so that is why i come on this forum to talk to you ladies instead! we understand it. take your time, just get through the days, and everything will fall into place. as for imagining your ex with someone else, don’t do it!!! it will seriously only make things harder for you and he is probably processing the break up right now and feeling many of the same emotions you are. @aphrodite, my ex was a bit multidimensional too. on the surface he was the sweetest, most polite, passionate, and caring. but behind closed doors i did catch him telling me a couple lies, drinking/smoking more than my liking, and not always putting me first. i wouldn’t say he’s confusing, but i definitely saw a side of him that sometimes would turn me off.
so now the text! I’m trying not to get overly excited. his text to me was just about some celebrity gossip, a couple who split in hollywood who we both were big fans of. i answered very calm, cool, and confident. he kept the conversation going as did i about his job, some mutual friends, the weather etc. he also told me i would be proud of him because he thinks he is outgrowing some of his immature friends who drink and smoke a lot and its starting to get old. when i asked what he’s been up to he just said working a ton and hanging out with friends, so no new girlfriend yay! the conversation just ended in which we were discussing a tv show we both love. he is behind in it and said he will let me know his opinions when he catches up. no talk of the relationship or meeting up. it still felt like a small victory to me because in the whole 3.5 months we’ve been broken up, this was the FIRST time he texted me first and it was out of nowhere. i did tell him new years day he could text me whenever he wanted, but still, i had often said this to him and he never did. i actually think maybe the law of attraction is working here. i seem to be a better and happier person and i think he’s starting to pick it up. I’m glad he’s not afraid to reach out now. what do you guys think of that conversation? should i stay with my initial nc plan and just answer him when he reaches out? i totally agree with you both that this process of so many mixed emotions is truly exhausting! glad we all have each other to vent to and are hanging in. and as for them reaching out, just be patient. this is the first time my ex reached out to me in 3.5 months. he used to take hours to answer my texts even with one worded responses and last night answered every few minutes or so. how do you think i should proceed from here?
That’s brill news! So 3-5 months and first time he reaches out! You were right about the 2-4 months of enjoying being single and then along comes reality!
You did really well in keeping a lid on everything and not talk about the relationship. Well done!
Proceed with caution! Wait for him to contact you and carry on being polite, discuss anything but the relationship. Make it look like your getting on with life but don’t push him away. Carry on NC and I’m sure it won’t be long till he next text. Make him chase you.
I’m sure he will be wanting to see you soon!
Well done Atea1234, you’re an inspiration!
Thank you for advise about my friend. Next time I see her I will steer clear of talk about the ex! They only know the negatives what we talk about and she doesn’t know the good things about the relationship and how we worked through 8 years of some of the best times in my life.
my first thoughts waking up this morning were to tell @belle and @aphrodite about the conversation!! so thankful to have the support on this forum. actually, many of my friends said the same thing about my ex that your friend said so i don’t really discuss with them anymore. i have select friends who understand and like to listen and are supportive, but others i just don’t discuss it with ever. thats why i prefer to talk to both of you!
i think the conversation went well. i guess this puts me in a form of nc i read about (no initiated contact). i will keep being friendly if he reaches out, but will stick with my initial plan of 12 weeks before i initiate contact with him. I’m not going to count this as starting over because he was the one who reached out and i don’t want to ignore him because i don’t want him to think i won’t reconcile! so still 11 weeks for me to go without initiating but i will absolutely answer if he responds. do you think this means he is starting to feel more ready to reconcile? I’m really not sure, but i do think it has to mean something that he finally reached out first! especially because there was nothing major he needed to say to me. i also think the fact he told me it is getting “old” going out with all his friends who drink and smoke so much is a good sign. i think initially how he distracted himself from the break up was so much partying so hopefully now he is really taking the time to think and process the emotions I’ve been dealing with for 3.5 months!
You are obviously on his mind! We wanted contact from you so he reached out. What nobody knows is why? Was it because you’re comfortable for him and it’s the safety net of communicating with you for him to function. Or, is it he’s beginning to miss you?
If this is the first time in 3-5 months then he had every chance to move on and think the better of contacting you, he knows how you feel so why would he disturb you and mess with feelings.
What you don’t want is for him to contact you when he’s feeling lonely or bored.
I would respond to his messages but I would back off, leave it a bit of time in between texts. You want to work out his intentions. If you make it appear you’ve got a life and enjoying it then that will worry him slightly I should think. You don’t want to push him away, just don’t be right there every time he texts, if he calls, don’t answer, let time go by then follow it up with a text sorry that you were busy type response. Doing that will not push him away, after all you’re not there for him as he’s your ex is t he!
I await in anticipation for the next text which no doubt will not be long!
It’s nice to know that you can talk to us anytime about anything! It’s a good thing and thank you advice about friends!
Yes time difference, I think Aphrodite is an hour or so in front of me but you’re several hours behind! Never mind. We all catch up sooner or later!
I think he will initiate getting back together. When? We don’t know but I think he will. Out of the three of us you’re the one that’s going to reconcile for sure! X
thank you so much! i think the terms surrounding our break up are very different from most other breakups on here as he basically broke up telling me it was something he needed to do to be with me in the future. i guess I’ve viewed it really more as a “break” but i have been worried because he seemed to not want anything to do with me and it scared me. i think initially i was too emotional and he hurt me so much that he was afraid to reach out and confuse me and make things worse. i think him seeing my positive attitude and moving forward with my life are probably causing him to be more attracted to me again. I’m not entirely sure of his intentions here. he always told me he didn’t want to lose contact with me because of our situation and wanted to leave the door open to reconcile and i think initially i would reach out a lot so he didn’t need to. also, i would always bring up the relationship, something he clearly didn’t want to talk about! i think initially my reasons for contacting him were for comfort, to know he’s still there and thinking about me. he clearly has demonstrated a lot of self-control in not reaching out, so i think last night he made a choice to do so. I’m not sure if he was lonely or bored or what but I’m sure over the last 3.5 months he has been lonely/bored at times and hhasnt reached out.
its funny though now i actually think its too soon to reconcile! i still have changes i want to make to myself and i still want to feel 1000& certain when he comes back he is really ready to commit to me. I’m getting way ahead of myself here but i still anticipate another 4-5 months of this. its just nice to know that he reaches out as well. i think thats a bit of an indication he isn’t entirely ready to be move on either
@ Aphorodite, I made it to 90 days on NC and decided not to contact him. He never made contact during that time and there are too many things against reuniting: short relationship 2 months, long distance, I chased too much etc. I am feeling much better, and right now I am just feeling like if we end up bumping into each other in the future great, if not then I don’t want to put myself thru that pain again.
I have gone out on a couple dates here and there, nothing promising, but it is a good distraction!
I wish more people would post success stories, because sometimes it seems that it does not work out most of the time
Now you have reassurance which will make you relax. I know you’ve not past the winning post but you have had a positive sign that things look promising for a reconciliation. The fact that your communicating on a friendly level is very good. It’s more than what Aphrodite and I have! Lol
This will give you time now to go at your own pace. It’s good that you still want time for yourself. It’s important to grow as a person as he will find that intriguing and see a different side to you that has more depth.
In the mean time you’re stuck with Aphrodite and myself! Lol
the fact that my ex texted me yesterday gives me more hope for you and @aphrodite that your exes will reach out soon as well!!! i honestly thought i wouldn’t hear from him until my birthday at the end of april and was planning on not reaching out until the end of march. but if my ex who is the most stubborn person in the world and kept telling me this break up was “necessary” could message me and be friendly then i am confident both of yours will as well! i think thats an advantage of having had such long term relationships - they don’t fade quickly. i wonder if he will reach out again to me but for now i will take what i can get! i also wonder if he will want to see each other at all…again not my place to initiate.
has your day gotten better since this morning? i sure hope so! I’m really starting to believe in the law of attraction. since I’ve been happier and more relaxed about the situation and open to taking things one day at a time and just letting things happen naturally, my attitude has become a lot more positive and i think thats really helped!
Again,your story gives hope and proves there is a silver lining somewhere. I don’t know about you but I find that there are not many success stories on here, I guess thoes who reconcile have no need to come here anymore!
I was thinking about a small cafe my ex and I used to go too,was a bit of a drive out but it was one of thoes places that only him and I would go too. It was like our place. Our special place. I thought to myself today how can he not want to go there again with me!?
It made me think that he will be back at some point because I know how he felt about me, he would walk over hot coals for me. We had a roller coaster relationship as we were quite similar in some ways so could get a bit fiery and like our opinions to be heard. But we had such a special relationship that to think he won’t be back to me is very hard to comphrend. As you say, it’s the long term relationships that have better chance of reconciliation as so much history.
My day has got much better! Thanks to you two for making me look at things positively and realisticly.
If it was to for this site I would have turned into a maniac! Lol
I think your ex will text you again soon. When you least expect it! Lol
i think the reason that success stories aren’t posted are because most people are too busy and happy after they reconcile and don’t feel the need to come back to this forum! i will absolutely come back and post my whole story in its entirety if we reconcile because i am so thankful to have had this during my darkest days! i also find a lot of people on here are a bit desperate and don’t go about reconciliation properly. each relationship is different and while the advice on here is great and i really think the 30 days NC saved me from going completely crazy, everyone needs to follow their own gut in their process. there are no real “rules” to get your ex back. our exes must choose to come back on their own, but the important thing for now is that we find happiness on our own! since i switched to this philosophy i feel much better day to day and even more confident about reconciling.
when i was in my first round of NC and i was feeling down i would always remind myself that NC was temporary. it wouldn’t be the last time my ex and i spoke. keep telling yourself this. i will be shocked if he hasn’t contacted you by the end of your 90 days but if he hasn’t you will contact him and tell him how you are feeling! i will really be shocked if he doesnt at least want to meet up and discuss everything again. you had a wonderful relationship with so much love and history and it is definitely salvageable. just keep telling yourself you will be back at that cafe with him one day and you will be a happier and stronger couple because of this!
I’ve been feeling worse, feeling stupid for having that feeling that he would contact me soon. It created too much expectation and I’m feeling deflated now and down now!
Just want to curl up into a ball, and I’m finding myself doubting that gut feeling. I just feel so abandoned
Aphrodite,
Re read atea1234 last post. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
I was down this morning but now I’m ok again. That’s what it’s like. Up and down roller coaster ride.
I keep checking my phone for emails coming through, it’s driving me mad because I want him to contact me but I know he won’t but I still keep checking.
Let’s not give ourselves expectations just yet. Atea1234 is in a totally different situation to you and I and she will hear from her ex before we hear from ours. We unfortunately are going to have to ride this one out.
I know what you mean about the gut instinct failing us, but for now we have to carry on with life and become happy again because that is attractive. NC makes them think what the hell has happened to us. If I had made contact this morning I would have ruined a whole week and he would have known I’m still thinking about him giving him satisfaction. Instead,he’s in the dark not knowing what I’m doing.
What ever happens, we will not feel like this forever. If the ex’s don’t come back we will find love again, I promise you that. In mean time it would be nice to,have a choice,mot have them back or move on away from them. At the moment we would have them back in a heart beat. We’ve not grown yet or experienced life away from them. We think about them 24/7!
I’m pretty sure that they will contact us in time. Let’s work on ourselves and be attractive fulfilled people for when it does happen.
He will get in touch Aphrodite, but not yet. Remember he didn’t even say goodbye! He will not be able to finish it just like that!
For sure this is an up and down roller coaster - I was fine this morning! I keep checking too, and with every text I get a part of me still jumps wondering if it will be from him just to get upset it wasn’t.
Yes I know she’s in a different situation. I didn’t actively expect anything but the feeling I got earlier created the expectation. Next time I’m gonna ignore it! And yes, we’ve got to ride this one out for longer.
I agree - we’ve got to carry on because that’s what will make us attractive and help us heal. I’m just having a hard time with it tonight. I’m very glad you didn’t contact your ex though!!
You’re right… We won’t feel like this forever, hence its very pointless wasting time feeling like this!!
I agree, I don’t know if I want him back but I want to at least have a choice and be able to debate it.
Yes, let’s work on ourselves. You’re right, he didn’t say goodbye, but then again he also hopes I find someone else who makes me happy. I’m so angry at him!!
I read you’re last post @atea1234 and you are very inspirational and give a lot of hope:)
Unfortunately though I haven’t been able to get out of my funk tonight. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up feeling better again! Sometimes all you need is a new day x
When he said to you that he hopes you find someone else that makes you happy. That’s so typical. Ignore it. Whether or not he wants a permanent split the last thing he wants is for you to meet someone else. Does he really feel nothing for you? Of course he feels something, he’s known you for years! Even if he knows it’s really over then he will not want another man coming into the scene! That’s takes years to achieve in acceptance.
My ex said the love has gone! Oh really, how shallow is he! To fall out of love just like that? Well of he falls in and out of love like that then I’m well rid!
It’s nonsense talk, just like how you were told that he hopes you find someone else to make you happy.
I hope you sleep tonight Aphrodite and have a better day tomorrow x
I guess you’re right. He got quite jealous so it wouldn’t make sense for his feelings to have shut off to the point of not caring if I find someone new. When you turned it around I really see your point. The love has not gone from your ex!! Haha, of course not! No way would he be angry at you then! He begged and pleaded just a while back. He’s just trying to have the upper hand.
Thank you, I agree it’s nonsense talk:)
I’ve got to do some more LOA! I really believe it works and it’s worked for atea so far, but it can be difficult to imagine having what you want when you’re far from it, it becomes hard to believe.
I’m got a few additional stress factors going on that makes life harder, but I’m determined to rise from these ashes, one baby-step at a time. Reading lots of self-help books. This time is really an educational one for all of us.
Thank you, I hope you sleep well also! Talk tomorrow x
@aphrodite, its ok to have those bad days!! they come and go. the great thing about nc is that your ex doesnt know if you’re having a terrible day or if you’re having the greatest day of your life keep sticking with the law of attraction. I’m telling you i have only been at it for about a week or two and i already feel more positive and better overall and my ex initiated contact for the first time. self-help books are wonderful. I’ve read a lot of them. and yes, definitely keep taking baby steps. my ex broke up with me when i also had a lot of stress in my life - new city, beginning graduate school, roommate troubles, etc. and it was a lot at once, but I’m getting through it and getting better. as far as your ex contacting you, give him time!! its only been a week. my ex did not contact me for 3.5 months. at the beginning i kept checking my phone constantly, thinking he would reach out and he never did. it was only yesterday when i seriously was not expecting him to that he did. i even wrote in here yesterday that i didn’t expect him to make contact until my birthday at the end of april!! i also have no idea if he will initiate again. even though he reached out, he mentioned nothing about reconciling and i didn’t hear from him today. i doubt i will for weeks or months. its hard to know the real intentions behind him talking to me anyway @belle, i agree with what you said exactly. if you contacted him this morning, it wouldve made the struggles of the past week not worth it! my therapist has told me before that each time i reach out, it is resetting the clock. since i am going for 12 weeks now, and have completed week 1, i only have 11 to go. if i texted him tonight, i would have to start again! whenever i feel tempted i tell myself this. i know if i actually last the 12 weeks regardless of what happens with my ex i will feel accomplished and proud of myself for having so much willpower and determination i also keep telling myself this is temporary, the pain i feel. i have been feeling better and find sometimes i can go an hour or so at a time not thinking of my ex, a month ago i never thought this would be possible!! i also initially worried about my ex meeting someone else but lately i feel confident in our connection and not threatened by any girls he puts. plus, i was happy to hear him say last night that he’s been working and spending time with friends. i kept checking for messages initially, but as you said yesterday, they will only come in when we least expect them to.
stay strong both of you even though we all continue to have good and bad days and mixed emotions, we are all slowly but surely making progress! i really think the beginning days are harder on us but it will continue getting easier for us and our exes will start to miss us and question things down the line. hope you’re both able to sleep well tonight!
and there are too many things against reuniting: short relationship 2 months, long distance, I chased too much etc. I am feeling much better, and right now I am just feeling like if we end up bumping into each other in the future great, if not then I don’t want to put myself thru that pain again.
x