My Story - Wanting advice and help

We had amazing chemistry and an instant connection. For the first 3 months we spent almost every weekend together. We were always doing spontaneous things, having plenty of fun, as well as a deep intimate physical and emotional connection. However, during this honeymoon phase. We were both indeed falling for each other. I had become a normal part of her life, we saw each other for the most part of every weekend, and when she had time we would meet each other for date nights during the week, and sometimes she would stay the night with me and I with her. We constantly texted each other during the week. She only brought up maybe once that she wasn’t use to the affection, the constant closeness and how she wasn’t use to it since she has only had mentally abusive, physically abusive or both in the past and I was really only amazing good guy she has met. We both have been cheated on in our last relationships. Cause she knew I wasn’t working any angles or trying to get my ‘dick wet’. I thought it was just overwhelming and something that can be gotten use to.

Around month 2 gone through some fights over one of my long time female friends that lives thousands of kilometers in the state I am in Canada and this friend is like 6 years older than me, It all started around month 2 when she got cancer and needed support I worried a lot for her cause known her for almost 10 years now and been there through the high times and supported me through the low time. So there was a lot of miscommunication and misunderstandings here. Me and my ex would be physically intimate and then I would with in 5 minutes after mention my friend only because it was surgery week and she was going to have a surgery a day for 5 days straight, or got an update sent to my phone from the hospital between point a and point b. So my ex took it as I was thinking about her while we were getting physical. Which wasn’t at all true.

By the end of month 2 early month 3 all the affection and closeness started to bother her, we had shifted into the power struggle phase. I had always been confident with her and our relationship up to this point, I believe we maintained the balance of power but I was the one overwhelming her with attention and affection more then her at times and vice versa. But I started to maintain the power more and more without realizing it. However, when she said to me that this has become a serious issue it through me right off and took me for a ride. My confidence had seriously started to diminish and the insecurity had taken its place

By the start and end of month 4. My insecurities were raising and raising, with that came a growing jealousy. I didn’t notice how being together so much was affecting the relationship, She started to hangout more and more with her buddies (They are all guys), There was one time I can remember that started a snowball that I wish I could go back and stop. One night she said lets go out together and started to get ready. Her sister asked her like a date and she said yeah. So she got ready and we headed out for ice cream and I suggested a walk at this park with a pond. We stop in to say hi to her one friend and she was about to go on break so she came to ice with use not a problem. But her is where the snowball started when we waited for her friend and started to go to the ice cream place. My ex mentioned hey her other friend is coming as well. She never asked me if it was alright this was supposed to be a night out like a date in my mind. So our romantic walk turned into a hang out with her friend instead without me even knowing. I was really hurt by that, It was the first time in a while we got a chance to be just me and her but it turned into hanging with her friend. I never got a say in it just happened, if she asked if it was alright then it would have been a different story cause I could have told her lets go for the walk around the pond together and then meet with her friend. I held my tongue the entire time when with her friend until later when she asked me what was wrong and I was honest with her. She did agree that she should have checked to see if it was alright but she did honestly tell me her friend never really gave her an option he just inserted himself. But we both agreed in the future to communicate these things she will check to see and I will say something sooner.

This snowball continued to grow over the next month, I started to become more and more less confident in myself, my insecurities grew and grew, which in turn made me more and more jealousy and unconsciously more possessive. We started to hang out with her friends more cause I wanted to spend more and more time with her (I realize now out of fear and insecurity). Which is what ultimately lead to the end of the relationship. So here is what happens the more time I spent with her the worst the insecurities, jealousy and ultimately possessiveness became. We would be in bed, sleeping, having dinner either she cooked or I cooked, watching a movie and all you will hear is her phone going buzz buzz buzz. She will look at it laugh, smile, giggle, text back then repeat for a while. It was almost always the same two people, one I trusted and the other not some much but more about that in a minute. I didn’t mean for it to get to me but it did and I let it build up. Then when I opened up and was honest to her about it, It was a huge build up, I didn’t mean for it too come off the way it did but it came off as I didn’t trust her and I don’t like them texting you. I took her for a few days away from the drama of everything to my grandparents way up north in farm country its peaceful and quiet as well as barely a signal it was a good time for us, we minimized cell phone usage and We spend a lot of time walking together, we had probably the best open and honest heart to heart we ever did. She confessed that “She slowly but surely over the last month started to feel like I didn’t trust her and she wanted more time for herself”. I agreed that we should spend more time apart to grow a more health relationship. But asserted that I did trust her, I knew I didn’t show it the way I should but that was reasons I will get into detail later. After the heart to heart I thought I had the jealousy and possessiveness back under control but it didn’t last long a few weeks later came the start of the snowball hitting critical mass.

Like I said the one guy I trusted, he only wants the best for his friends and won’t deliberately poisoned my ex and I’s relationship. The other one was the true issue. So around this time, a few weeks after the heart to hear we were well in to month 4. She started to feel extremely distant, I tried talking to her about it but a good time never really came until a little down the road. When we did talk it was honest and open, 3 of her buddies decide to confess their feelings for her and it caused a lot of confusion and mixed emotions across the board. She told me who two of them were and how she felt. But with the third she didn’t cause she promised them and know now that she didn’t know how I would react but the effect was the opposite cause I already knew who it was. I trusted her enough to tell me when she was ready or if it became a problem. But cause of how insecure I was at this point and had lost myself confidence. I gave in to the green monster of jealousy. Cause he was more like her, he was stronger, …etc I grew negative towards him. Didn’t mean too but it happened it only got worse over time when they started talking more and more and hanging out together more and more. Knowing this is the guy who she wouldn’t tell me confessed. It got worse and worse, not knowing she friend zoned him and didn’t like him like that didn’t know that until a week before the official break up.

We needed time apart and I knew this, I also knew I needed to get my confidence back and started working on myself to reverse the snowball. I was about to start going to the gym and focus get my head straight to get my self confidence back. But my ex got sick pretty bad with influenza and I wanted to be there for her and take care of her like she has always been for me. So I put off the gym and the space she wanted and we needed didn’t happen when it should have. But the next weekend when she was feeling better was the nail in the coffin we headed over to her friends house, the one I trusted for the weekly game night I knew the other one was going to be there. I was fine with that I started to gain my confidence again and was working on myself at this point. My ex and the her buddy the one I didn’t trust were having a 1 on 1 in the garage while having a smoke. I walked in to grab a fresh drink and left, I didn’t give into the insecurity or jealousy. I trusted her more than I ever had. I went back to the game table and started playing again. Time past they were still talking, still no issue they finished up and came back was like 15 minutes. The night continued, it was like 3 in the morning and my ex had to work at 8ish. So her buddy offered sleeping there, She checked with me what I thought and agreed, she can sleep longer since her works right there. She fell as sleep in the garage and me and her buddy carried her up stairs to the couch. She was out like a like. I continued to play as long as I could then headed up to sleep with her around 5:30am. She had the longer part of the couch and I was on the shorter side. I kept tossing over cause it was just couldn’t get to sleep past 5 am. But I found out later that I kept waking her up every toss and turn, she usually a really heavy sleeper. Didn’t know she wasn’t when had too much to drink and my moving around cause her to wake up constantly and get the spins so she got up and went to the bathroom after 10 minutes I went to check on her and her friends go way to piss her off more. Long story short she asked for time to herself, I agreed and headed home after I picked her up from work. But not realizing she was upset about me waking her up and had it in her mind I was uncomfortable sleeping at her buddy’s place.

A day (Monday) or so later which was two weeks before the 5 month mark, she had confronted me about the morning before when I accidentally woke her up and told me that really upset her looking back yes I should have slept on another couch or tryed to stay up but pointed out that she was sound asleep when we put her there and I was pretty sure I wasn’t the one that made her in an alert state, the buddy I didn’t trust went up 30 minutes before me to see if she wanted KD and woke her up to see. I voiced my issues with the buddy and was open and honest about everything about that night, how I didn’t feel like one of the guys and how the untrusted buddy kept starting to say stuff like if only you knew what I was thinking (in a dirty) way and her other buddy saying what and him just saying I will tell you later and kind signals his head towards me. She cleared up all my worries and such but also told me she can’t be in the relationship anymore if the snowball continues it has to stop, She hadn’t officially broken it off but said she needed time and space to think. I took sometime myself and signed up for crossfit and worked on myself while giving her some space. I made good progress in myself and rebuilding my confidence again, it was looking up so I though.

The next weekend I met with her and I knew that this would be the end.This is when we agreed to breakup. It was pretty clean break up with little to not begging or controlling.

I started no contact immediately but relapsed once a week in after her twin texted me asking me to not give up on my ex. She felt like my ex was overwhelmed with realizations that technically someone could make the argument we were living together, I was staying a lot at her apartment during the week and on the weekends, it was like 5 minutes from my work and she works late so it would usually be 11 or 12 before we are done whatever we are doing so I would sleep there and she was scared cause of the being possessive. It was one of those we fixed or were fixing the issues and were in a amazing place but with in a flash a total 180 for her. I decided to take the chance and talked too her twin about my ex. I was in the right mindset and was almost over the negative feelings and healed from the hurt. We talked for a few days when her twin said you should reach out which I did with a terrible bland text of “hey how have you been doing” and heard nothing. Her twin texted back the next day asking if I texted her I said yes and she never responded. Her twin said try again she is EXPECTING a message from you. So I did and I got a reply back like “ can you please not contact me for a while…. Please wait time to heal things then we can start talking” (No clue if that’s a good sign). Then I messaged back, I agree and looked like a fool. I immediately went back to no contact and I joined a crossfit gym and going 5 - 7 times a week depending on how my body feels, reconnecting with friends and family

She unfriended me via facebook, instagram and snapchat 2-3 weeks after the break up. She removed me off facebook and instagram at the same time, I never post to facebook only use it for messenger and instagram we both followed each other but I accidently forced her account to not follow mine, I meant to unfollow her so I can make sure not to be tempted, She requested to follow me a week later but when I went to accept it 5 minutes after getting it , it was gone and I my account was unfollowed from hers. I’ve started getting to the root of what happened. I’d like to believe that I have regain my confidence and believe I have shifted from the feeling on NEEDING her to WANTING her in my life, but at this point I can’t entirely let go of the hope that we could work it out. I feel if I can regain my confidence and be the stronger mentally and physically man I should have been before I met her. I actually wish I met my ex now cause when we first met, I still had issues from past relationships that I never dealt with, I just put it in a box and threw it on a shelf before burying it in the back of my mine.

I still talk to her twin and the twin brings up my ex without me asking and how my ex still all the time brings me up randomly and keeps saying the right guy wrong time…. Is this a good sign?. But her twin feels like her buddies were the reason things broke down near the end. I have started to believe this cause it went from being good most of the time to right down the shitter over that one weekend.

I still have about a week of NC to go but I want to make sure I have my head straight first. I don’t know if I should send a elephant in the room first or just skip to first text. Cause the break up was clean and mutual is a way and didn’t make any mistakes but the one.

I need advice on this?

Uff you had so many issues in your relationship. You are doing the right thing. Staying away and fixing yourself. You have to stop being so jelous. You know you can push your ex to see this friend as a boyfriend material. You can be jelous it’s normal, but not towards only just one friend. Also when you do NC you must keep her family away too. Your mistake is letting her twin decide for you. Just keep doing what you are doing.

Gooluck and keep us posted.

Wow. I’m exhausted after reading your post! Too much time spent being together and texting in a short few months!! You didn’t have to mention your sick friend after sex and you should’ve turned your phone off while you were with her. All the talk of power is ridiculous. You should have given her more space the minute she felt uncomfortable! She apparently has many friends she likes to hang out with and you should understand that. You should’ve been doing things on your own during those time, but instead you became jealous. Whether it was due to a guy or other girls doesn’t matter. You displayed your jealousy. If you ever get the chance to be with her again, take her out on proper dates and don’t mention her friends. Don’t spend so much time together! Don’t have so many home dates. And I think leidy1000 is right; stop talking with her twin. What good will that do you? None. Continue strict no contact and work out your issues of jealousy and smothering in your own mind. Stop the social media shenanigans. If she wants to, you should have a calm kind talk about limits on time spent together and work out a mutually agreeable plan to turn off the cell phones when you’re out together. It would be like starting all over again courting her and avoiding conflicts.

Thanks leidy1000 and patricial12 for the advice, There has been few developments since my first post that I will get into in a minute. But I am proud to say I have made significant progress in working on my jealousy and insecurities. I seeked out help by a physiologist/therapist to learn how to better handle it in the future. Going to the gym and lifting more then I ever thought I could and feeling amazingly positive doing it.

But to the developments, After the end of the no contact period I felt like a new person I was going to the gym had great handle on my issues that I felt lead to the end of the relationship. I could have gone either way move on and live my life or reach out and try too get her back. I decided to reach out at the 34 day mark after I saw her one day when I was in a hurry to grab some fruit and get to the gym. I gave a little hey and a wave and then grabbed what I needed and left but later I messaged her saying it was nice seeing her, noticed she got a haircut and it looked nice and want to stop and say hi but the people working behind the counter took to long and I had to run too the gym. As well as said if its still too soon to talk I would understand. She responded very positively saying she has been good, that it’s still too soon to talk, she doesn’t want to send the wrong signals that we would get back together. I responded honestly saying a part of me does want to get back together but I am in a good place and fine with what ever happens, I honestly just missed talking to her and had no hidden goals or motive to messaging her and I understand why everything happened and don’t blame her for what she did. Wished her a good long weekend and then left it at that. She messaged back saying thanks for understanding. Good bye for now. I then left it at that and went out with my friends before heading to sleep.

Everything was civil and positive, Until I woke up the next morning I looked at my phone and had a new message from her. It wasn’t positive I can tell you that it was polar opposite then the night before, the summary of it she didn’t appreciate me turning her sister against her, making her look bad. her sister is all the family she got… real fucking cunning and manipulative and Thanks for showing what kind of human you are. I made a huge mistake and responded pretty much right away didn’t take a moment and take a breather. I instead responded out of a half awake state as well as being completely hurt and insulted. The response wasn’t that bad, I was honest and gave my side of things cause I have no clue what happened in the 10 hours between talking to her where I was asleep for 8 of them. I know the one thing that led to her next response but it was a complete mistake and misunderstanding out of context kind of thing. I forgot my ex was in a group on my phone and I meant to message only them and her twin too she if it was alright if I parked in front of there apartment cause didn’t have 40$ for hospital parking and I had a medical emergency wasn’t until later I realized I sent it to my ex never got a reply then was like shit I should let her know I am ok but cause the no reply didn’t know if she got it or not so I asked her twin to check, she supposedly didn’t get it thank god.

But back too her response, the response I got was less then pleasant, It said Just leave me alone!!, I got the message you soaked my phone. Stop messaging me I want to be left alone, if I am ready to talk I will message you. but harassing my phone is childish(was a mistake on my end my phone sent it through Facebook messenger and my phone message as well so she got it twice)… it goes on repeating the same from the last message about manipulating. then 30 minutes after that got one more neutral without even responding saying You don’t see how manipulative you really are. Harassing my phone telling me you’re at the hospital. I’ve been down those manipulative roads with others. It’s not gonna gonna work on me nor the guilt trip… If the manipulation continues … I won’t talk to you again ever.

I would like to get advice its been almost 30 something days since then, Should I just give up or wait for her to make a move. I am still friends with her twin only because not going to burn a good friendship for my ex. But I have distanced myself from them so its barely even an issue we never talk about my ex unless she needs to vent and its only in passing we really talk. The wedge between them and the things turning her twin against each other isn’t me. My ex isn’t even close to the girl I knew anymore she went from mature to acting like shes 16 again. But only when she is with her friends, the rest of the time she is the girl I wanted to marry.

@DM313 - I’m sorry to say, but you both sound immature and probably very young. It was a very good idea to seek out the help of a therapist and I hope you’re continuing with that. You messaged her and she responded by saying she “doesn’t want to send the wrong signals that we would get back together.” That should have been your wake up call that she DOES NOT want to reunite. It was a big mistake talking behind her back with her twin! I doubt the twin is a great friend of yours and perhaps you can admit you were conversing with her to find out what your ex was doing and thinking. This whole thing has become very toxic mess and my advice is to move on and continue therapy. Neither of you seem mature enough to handle a relationship. Sorry, but that’s how I see it from what you wrote…

Hi DM I know Patricia can sound very harsh sometimes but shes kind of right. As hard as it is let it go. Your ex doesn’t want to reconcile. Your best bet is to move on. Look I had a problem with a guy on may. He did something unforgivable to me. I stopped contact with this guy but hey beginning July he felt the need to apologize. He messed up really bad. Anyways I just said never talk to me again. When Im ready to forgive you I might do it. So I kept him blocked. He never did another private call to get through. Almost 3 weeks after I felt this need to forgive him and get our friendship back. And I did contact him and said I was ready to let it go and keep our friendship. Long story short it means that over 3 weeks a girl hasn’t reached out to you is because she might not return to you. Im sorry but for your sake just move on.

@patricial12 I have never been good at writing, I write one thing but with out tone it sounds another way, but The scary part is we both were more mature for our age and both wanted the same things for a relationship. She was significantly more mature then me most of the time since she had to take care of herself since she was 14 and lived on her own since she was 17 or 18. But those friends came along and everything changed I became the mature one and she started to act like she was a teenager with no responsibilities.

Thanks Guys, I guess deep down I already knew what you guys were going to say. Its a hard pill to swallow cause I have never understand how you can be so close with someone and then in an instant not be and they act like they don’t know you or care about you.

I know I am not completely innocent in everything, But she wanted to work on herself and couldn’t do it with me so she ended it. The issues never came until her new group of friends when her personality changed. At this point I am pretty much down the middle still. Get back together, Don’t then just be friends, or just disappear. I know which I would like but the be friends works too, cause my ex never really got too see her effect on my which was is significantly positive, I was about to quit my job, I was literally a couch potato but she made me want to be better, more active. Pushed me to be the best version of myself I join a gym and now self confidence is at an all time high, I don’t sit a lot anymore, She use to push me to eat more to not be scary under weight which the gyms not helping in that one but working on that. I am still at my job now excelling towards where I want to be.

She has a lot of shit to figure out and baggage from the past, hope she figures them out but even now thinking about it now as writing this I won’t even want to get back together or be friends with the girl my ex has become hell her sister doesn’t even want to be her sister anymore cause she changed herself to be accepted by her friends and values them as well as puts them top priority over her twin, her health, her future. I know it was an mistake talking to her sister and while admit at the beginning when her twin reached out to me, I asked about my ex once or twice then realized how bad it was for me knowing things. So I stopped asking and wanting to know, I get a few slip ups from her twin about her but I never ask or hint I want to know. I have already started to back off the friendship with her sister for a little while maybe for a few weeks maybe a month see if its shes a good friend or if its just a way to be close to my ex kind of thing.

I will always care deeply for my ex like insanely deeply, and will always wish her the best. I will just move forward with my life. If something happens it happens if it doesn’t it doesn’t I don’t need it to be happy anymore. I will keep you guys posted if anything comes up in the future.

@DM313 - Glad to hear you’re moving forward. Focus on your career and health. Cut all ties with your ex as she is in no condition to even be a friend at this time. Don’t reach out to her twin! Think of yourself first and your own happiness. Spend more time with family and friends. Go to church if you want. Get more involved with any hobbies you might have or doing other things you enjoy. There are many things in life to be grateful for…

Most often ill feelings build up slowly over time with a partner and you might not realize it until there’s finally a breaking point. I think maybe you’ve reached your breaking part and are accepting of the fact that your ex is now toxic for you.

When you’re ready, start dating nice mature women. Wishing you the best…