My story and tricky situation

reconciliation
1

Hello

Me and my ex met when we were about 16 years old. We were together for 2.5 years. We were very close together, we were going to same class and she was, and I still consider her, the love of my life. She was my first love, I was her second love (but she was with a guy that treated her terribly and they were more like a close friends)

I used to be very cheerful person, a little bit introvertic, but overall happy. Me and my ex used to be very close together - we have similar interests, lifestyles and beliefs. When there was an argument between us we would fight or not - but nothing serious ever happened. We were so in love that we trusted each other beyond measure. We both knew that I had loved her and she had loved me. Of course, there was that kind of healthy jealousy between us, but we used to laugh at couples that were jealous over each other. But tough times have come, school started to consume us, I kind of lost my friends, I lost interest in doing anything besides, well, spending time with her, all I did was gazing at the computer screen, I started to feel depressed, hopeless and basically not only have I started to treat her like a love of my live - she became the only thing that was keeping me alive and happy.

And I realized it was my doom. At the same time I started to be depressed, her life turned into a nightmare. Her grandmother and mother became very sick. Mother and father started to fall on the edge of the divorce. There haven’t been a day when they haven’t had an fight and it made her really depressed. Because she couldn’t find love from her parents, she found it in her cat. Unfortunately, her cat had an accident and died very horribly. It lived with her for a very long time and her cat was her whole world. She is also very ambitious - she got consumed by school and by exams, we would visit each other only one time per week or two weeks, because she was studying for final exams. And worst thing is everything that I mentioned here happened in only few months.

She changed. She became apathetic at everything, exhausted all the time, she was sad, upset and angry.
I became very affectionate, I was texting with her even when there were moments when she just didn’t feel like texting with me, I started buying her everything she wished for (but she didn’t want me to do that), I showered her with love and I saw that it made her uncomfortable, I became needy, insecure and my life started to be controlled by fear. To reduce this kind of stress, I started to plan our future in my mind, so that it would make me calm, however, I have never talked with her about our future, she never liked those kind of talks, I noticed that these were making her uncomfortable.

We both felt terrible - there was still love between us, but there was more fear, fatigue and sadness than love. I supported her through the first stressful situations, but soon, after the next ones appeared, it was just too much for me. I was afraid to talk to her (and anybody else) about my problems, her sadness affected me very heavily and not only have I become just sad and depressed that both me and my ex is not happy, I started to feel exhausted.

And it began. We were so overwhelmed by this that we started to fight. A lot. It turned out to be a one week cycle - first there was peace, then an argument happened, few days of no contact and then we would talk and make it up and peace again, argument, no contact and so on, and so on. Soon she felt she had enough. She broke up with me on the 13 of April. She wasn’t herself, she cried a lot, she told me “we are just not designed to be with each other” and “I’d love to be friends with you”. I felt like somebody shot me in my chest. I just haven’t been able to realize and comprehend what has happened back then. She also told me that we had had so many fights and I had told her so many times that the situation between us would change for better soon that she cannot trust me anymore.

There were few days of unimaginable griefness. I was begging her to come back and trying to argue with her about that. And after that many of my loved ones gave me hope. I noticed that I have to change. I started to become more social, I started going to the gym, changed my looks, clothes, started to talk more maturely - basically, I started to be feel more manly (because I heard that she called me irresponsible and not masculine enough). But I did two horrible mistakes - I didn’t stop showering her with love and I didn’t do no contact. I basically just started texting with her casually, like nothing ever happened, after few days of bargaining. I took her to some fancy places so that she would notice my new behaviour. I started being a doormat. I said to myself “I just need to be patient, when the end of the May will come, I will tell her how I have changed and that I love her”. And guess what - it didn’t work. She noticed at one time I am building hope in myself and she told me that her opinion hadn’t changed since the breakup.

And I went through the same griefness I experienced before. Nobody could help me. But then I came across this website and started to absorb all of the information there is. I started no contact on Tuesday, she doesn’t know I am doing it. I am probably not going to contact her for 25-30 days.

My question is what do you think about all of this? Can I hope I can get her back? Is there a high possibility she will soon start to miss me? She is very shy about her feelings - when I asked her one time (after breakup) what how is she feeling towards me she said “can we not talk about that?” or “it’s complicated”.

Hope all this info will help you guys to evaluate my chances, I appreciate any help, if you have any questions feel free to ask
Thanks

2

My god. I read your story and it is like I am reading my own story. My ex suffers from depression and when she had a low point then so would I. Initially I handled it but after years of it I spiraled downward too to the point where I ended up on medication. I was angry and cold towards her for several months until I hit an emotional rock bottom. I picked myself up, started making changes in myself, started doing things to support my career change. We have three kids together and I would look after them if she needed space or if she had to work. I would do things for her like give her time to see friends, walk the dog, bake cakes, clean the house and I thought that if she could see the newer me then it would change her mind. But it didn’t! I became her safety net and she eventually sent a message saying that she can’t see a future with me and that I should move on. Not long after that I told her that I needed to create distance between us so she can talk to me about the kids but that’s all. She accepted that and now I am at the end of day 15. I am planning on another 8 weeks or more.

How long does she have left in her studies? Do you two share anything like a house or kids?

She does need time and space away from you to move past the fights and negative emotions and NC is what that is for. It sounds like you are working on yourself too which is great. 2.5 years is a long time and it sounds like you two had strong feelings for you and those are not easily forgotten, no matter how many fights there were. I would say that she will contact you sometime soon but tell her that you time and space to get past the pain and grief. There is a page about NC on this site which gives you examples of what you can say.

Keep us posted :slight_smile:

3

Thanks for your reply

I hope everything will work out for you and you will be happy again.

Finals belong to the past now, we both did very well and now we have summer break, 4-5 months of freedom.

We don’t share any children (I still consider us to be quite young) and we both live in different places, logistics were never a problem in our case though.

What gives me hope is that the chance of her getting into a rebound is close to none - she is that kind of person who doesn’t fall in love very quickly and easily with random guys and she knows that that kind of relationship would only give her pain. Moreover, she is a bit introvertic too - she basically sits in her room all the time, sometimes goes out with her close friends (most of them are females), but there’s minimal risk that she will meet somebody who might steal her heart in the future so I must say I feel quite secure.

We also have that one close friend - she has a heart of gold. If it weren’t for her I wouldn’t even know that my exgirlfriend existed in the first place. She was always supporting us both for those 2.5 years, she has always been objective and rational, she has never taken sides, she helps me with dealing with griefness and helps me with getting back to my ex to this day.
No worries, I haven’t been using her to spy on my ex or to check her every movement. However, from what she has been telling me lately I acknowledged that I still am in my ex’s mind and that my ex is angry with me (because of those trust issues I mentioned in my previous post). Normally, I would panic, run to her at the speed of light and shower her with apologies, but, fortunately, I know realize it would be a terrible mistake and of course “Anger is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.”
I became pretty calm after hearing that from our friend - I now know what her anger means and that it increases my chances of her wanting to get back to me. There is still a lot of emotions in my head, but I know what I have to fix and how should I behave in the future.

I doubt if she will contact me during NC, but who knows?
I’ll keep you all posted

4

You say you trusted each other and yet there was a healthy dose of jealousy. Jealousy is not healthy in a good relationship!

It sounds like you became depressed (lost interest in everything except your ex) prior to the final school exams. And it sounds like she became depressed later when her parents were fighting and on the verge of divorce and when her cat died. She needed support and you gave it, but it would have taken lots of time for her to deal with those situations and she was also studying for finals. You overwhelmed her by showering her with gifts, asking for more of her time and texting too much while she was trying to study.

You two started arguing a lot, she wanted it to stop, but it didn’t and she lost trust that things would get better. You even asked her after the breakup how she felt about you and she didn’t want to talk about it. You begged her and tried to talk her into getting back with you.

I agree with gamecoder where he says,“She does need time and space away from you to move past the fights and negative emotions and NC is what that is for.” He also said,“I would say that she will contact you sometime soon but tell her that you time and space to get past the pain and grief.” I don’t know if she will contact you soon or not, but I agree you should tell her you need time to process the pain of the breakup. I don’t completely agree when he says, “2.5 years is a long time and it sounds like you two had strong feelings and those are not easily forgotten, no matter how many fights there were.” Endless arguments are a good reason why couples break up and it’s often a relief.

Yes, I think she will start to miss you if the good memories outweighed the bad. Continue no contact in spite of your sadness about the breakup. Force yourself to think about other things. Maybe reconnect with your friends and go out to have fun.

Good luck:)

5

My bad, what I meant by “healthy jealousy” is just caring and thinking about each other and not having negligent attitude.

Yes, not only exams themselves consumed me, but we also had to take care of those final grades and trust me, fighting for those was as much absorbing and stressful. I was just confused - I just didn’t have that much of an experience to help her deal with her problems and there were still issues that belonged to me and had to be dealt with.

I still experience those waves of immense sadness, but I started going out with people, I reunited with my old friends that I hadn’t contacted for a while, I also plan to workout more often, change my appearance and go to therapy.

Thank you for your replies, I still have hope, I’ll keep you updated

6

Here’s my update on how things have been lately.

I have already done 18 days of NC and I plan on doing it for two weeks more.

First week was a true nightmare for me - I couldn’t eat and sleep. Moreover, when I finally managed to fall asleep I had dreams and nightmares about me, her and our relationship. I met with friends many times, renewed my gym pass and, with the help of my parents, I found a job and it will be my first one. I have a job interview this Tuesday, wish me luck!

With the help of my friend that I mentioned in my previous post I noticed some signs in behaviour of my ex that tell me that I am still in her head and that she started questioning her decision whether breaking up with me was a good idea or not. But I am careful and I am not building hope in myself only because of that.

Second week was okay - that darn pain in my chest finally went away. I became happier and I can almost feel like my mindset is slowly changing, I noticed I have been thinking more rationally since the beginning of the week, my confidence is also slowly growing. I can now sleep and eat normally, like I used to, I think doing more workout lately also had an impact on that. I plan on doing some research on how to communicate properly during a conflict and basically learn how to communicate better. Nevertheless, I still think about her very often, those nightmares and dreams are still happening. I love and miss her very much, the urge to contact her is very strong, but I am stronger and I haven’t screwed up yet.

She is too proud (she’s always been like that) to text me, I think she thinks I am playing waiting game with her, but the truth is I am not. She also updated her profile picture today (she does that very rarely) and well, I felt like somebody kicked me in my guts.
Maybe I am overthinking it, but who knows!

I’ve been thinking lately how should I write my Elephant in the Room letter - I don’t know if it should be long and descriptive like that written by Gamecoder today (it’s beautiful, really) or focus more on being brief.

What are your thoughts and suggestions?

7

Just write from your heart. Look at the templates for inspiration if you need to.

Keep up no contact. You are doing well.

8

Oh boy, I am getting worried…

I received another couple of screenshots of their conversation on FB from my friend.

She (my ex) is really angry with me. She basically said that she cannot deal with her anger. She still remembers all those things that got her mad and hurt her. She said that those positive things have no importance.

I must say it got me scared, but I haven’t done anything stupid and I have not broken NC.
I’m not sure how to interpret those signals anymore.

Yesterday I wrote my Elephant in the Room letter. It is a bit long, but I’ll try and translate it to post it on the forum as a separate topic.

9

Small update.

The day after tomorrow is the last day of No Contact.
Things are going quite well, I still have feelings for her and I would like to work on creating a new relationship with her.
I’ve written my Elephant in the Room letter, you can read it, it’s my other topic. She is probably going to receive it on Thursday.
What made the last week interesting is that there are rumors that I already am in new relationship with other girl which are simply not true. My ex fortunately doesn’t believe them.

I knew that I would soon regain confidence, but I didn’t expect that I would become some kind of seducer lol

10

That is a positive sign that she doesn’t believe them. It could mean that she still has a measure of trust in you.

Keep us updated :slight_smile:

11

She received the letter today and well, things are not good, I think.

I don’t know if I should try anymore. We’ve just had a conversation and I don’t know how to interpret it.

She blames me for every single negative emotion she experienced during No Contact. I did terrible mistake and didn’t tell her that I am doing No Contact earlier. She didn’t believe those rumors about me having a girlfriend or she didn’t want to, but nevertheless they made her feel more distrust and distaste towards me.

She told me that she had wanted to keep contact with me, but now she didn’t know because she cannot trust me anymore. I told her many times that I understood what she feels and that I will respect her decision.

I presented her my true attitude towards her and my interests, friends and other things. She just listened.

She told me that the letter had made her angry and sad.

She told me that she had been in a hospital the day before.

Then I told her this:
“If you don’t want to contact me anymore or need more time, I will disappear. But if you want to, you will meet new me. I will respect your decision though. I want to create a new chapter. No hurry. We’ll see how things will be and then we’ll make a decision.”

She says that she cannot forgive and accept some things. She says that we can try and have a contact and maybe be friends, but nothing more.

My reaction:
“I don’t want this to soud like I’m building hope in myself because I am not, but we shouldn’t completely close the concept of getting back together in the future. I think that we should have <<we will see what’s gonna happen>> attitude, if you can of course.”

“I won’t trust you enough for this. I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future”

I also told her that I don’t want to talk about our personal romantic issues for now at least. She backed off and suddenly changed her mind, she said that maybe she was not ready yet to initiate contact. I told her “that’s why we need to take things slow and see where this is going”. It convinced her and she said that we must keep distance if it’s going to work out.

The worst thing is that I still have feelings for her. I don’t know what to do. I feel completely confused and scared.

12

Do you know what is happening in her life right now? She could need more space and time.

13

I’ve decided to show her the best of myself in following weeks, but I’m going to take it slow.
I think I need to help her get over those negative feelings. I’ll follow the 5 step plan.
If things won’t work out I’ll just move on and erase her from my life.

14

Yes, take it from me, you need to take it slow. That’s the only way to chip away at her defenses. I was angry at my ex for months before I let go of everything so it will take time.

15

So the last three weeks were amazing - I’ve slowly increased frequency of texting and we got to the point where we would be texting just like we used to. Our convos were fun and interesting, I made her laugh many times and I didn’t let them get boring. I tried to flirt with her a little. The thing is I’m in a pickle right now, here’s the situation.

One of her close ones passed away recently. I showed her some support, but I also suggested leaving her alone because I thought she might have not felt like texting right now and wanted to be alone. She didn’t answer me and that didn’t matter anyway because I had to leave for work so I left her anyway (after work I immediately went to sleep so I wasn’t available for 16-17 hours).

The next day I texted her and asked how was she feeling. She basically texted very angrily to leave her alone and that I should have thought about showing her support earlier. I just said “sorry”. Then I gave her a one day break.

Then I initiated a conversation about the issue. I was very calm, rational, descriptive, honest and cautious. She didn’t tell me much, almost nothing. At the end of the conversation I apologized and informed her that if she wants to talk about the issue I am available. She also said that not showing her support that time is not the only reason she is angry with me - I don’t know what is that another reason.
Since 9.07 we’ve had no contact. I was thinking about initiating a normal conversation today and making a joke about this issue so it will calm things down but I thought to myself it would be better to ask you guys
what do you think before doing anything.

16

I don’t think I would make a joke about it. I would just initiate the conversation.

17

Okay, so things worked out themselves, I was lucky because the timing was right and she had a good day.
So I took the middle-ground and jokefully initiated conversation. It worked out very well and we are again on the speaking terms.
I’m going to avoid such situations in the future and keep establishing connection and trust.
I can see she still has feelings for me.

What’s not making me happy are our jobs - our days are consumed by work and sleep and we are simply not able to text so often anymore. I hope it won’t affect our relations in any negative way.

18

Update:

We’ve both ended working and now she’s on vacation. Our first meeting is going to be on the 28th of September - we are going to eat some food and have a walk. What made me happy is that she invited me by herself, I was surprised when she did that to be honest. What made me sad is that she told our mutual friend that she regreted inviting me because she felt that I still want something from her. I don’t really know what to think about this.

Some time later I suggested going together to a concert in other town that is kinda far from us. She agreed and she even asked if we are going to book a room in a hotel for night. Today, we had been planning our trip and I asked what about spending night in a hotel (not in a needy or flirty way, I just told her that I didn’t care much about how we are going to come back home and I am just curious what’s her opinion on that) and she said that she wants to come back right after the concert, but she didn’t say that in a mean or negative way.

When we text, she sometimes behaves like she wants affection from me and sometimes she is cold. I’d like to flirt with her, but I don’t know if she’s okay with that. She sends me photos of herself, she’s never done that before, but probably that’s because she is on a vacation.

We are starting studies in few weeks so I really hope we will both find time to meet regurarly.

Any thoughts, suggestions?

19

I would not worry about her thinking you still want something from her.

She knows the mutual friend talks to you too. She probably doesn’t want to show she is letting her guard down.

You just need to play it calm. You are getting a meeting that’s great. Just be yourself and don’t come into her. Focus on building attraction in person. Definitely dont stay at hotel. After meeting then reevaluate.

20

Hi
Here’s my last update on how things are if anybody’s interested.

I didn’t succeed in reconciliation. She didn’t find any time to meet up with me or she just told me that so that I wouldn’t build up hope in myself again.

So I was in a pretty bad spot for a couple of months - I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t move forward in regards to our relationship. I kinda moved on, but I was still maintaining a friendly contact with her and still had the idea of reconciliation in the back of my head - I just took a stance “let’s see what will happen”.

Few days ago she began to send me some mixed signals/messages that made me confused, but kinda happy. I was thinking that maybe she was flirting with me, but it turned out not to be true.

Our friend, that I mentioned several times in my previous posts, told me recently that she had fell in love with her roommate. He has feelings for her too, so I guess it is now a matter of time.

So I guess it is time to move on. I am not going to fool you - I am sad and I wished it would work out, but it won’t happen. I hope she will find happiness.

Thanks to everyone that supported me and gave me advice. I really appreciate that. This site and forum taught me many important things and I hope I’ll be alright.

Take care